Chapter 37 #2
Kate’s joy faded. He dropped such momentous news and now he was just going to leave?
What was wrong? All she wanted was to walk with him through the prairie grasses as they once had and talk about everything, about his story, his heart, about all that had happened to bring him here. But he was leaving.
Her voice was small, filled with brittle hope. “Won’t you stay?”
“No,” he said forcefully, and Kate took an involuntary step back. “No,” he said again, softer this time. “I—it wouldn’t be right. ’Sides, I don’t think Andrew would appreciate havin’ me around.”
“Andrew?” Kate asked.
It dawned on her. In the tumult of his unexpected appearance, in the whirlwind of emotions of everything he had shared, she had failed to realize one monumental truth.
He didn’t know she wasn’t married.
Kate bit her lip, suddenly nervous. “Jacob,” she said hesitantly, “Andrew’s gone.”
He looked at her sharply. “Gone?”
She nodded.
“Gone where?”
“Fort Laramie, last I heard. Might be on his way to California by now for all I know.”
Jacob just stared at her. His blue eyes were wide and intense, and something that looked like hope came alive in their depths, like the first grays of dawn lighting the horizon.
For some reason his gaze flickered to her hat.
Or his hat, she realized. She had begun wearing it this winter—she didn’t know why, perhaps to keep some small part of her dream alive, some part of him close to her even if she never saw him again—and that hat had become as much a part of her as the braid that spilled over her shoulder.
Kate’s breath quickened. How could she explain?
“You see, I—I made a mistake. I thought that marriage was only about duty and obligation. I thought I had to lose myself in order to become a good wife, to be what everyone else wanted me to be.” She faltered and looked down.
She couldn’t meet his eyes. She was exposing her very soul to him, laying bare all her mistakes and faults.
But she needed to explain, needed him to understand.
“I thought that was what the Lord was askin’ of me.
But I was drownin’ under the weight of it.
And I knew that if I went through with it, I would lose myself for good.
So I called it off.” Regret flooded her again.
If only things had been different! Her voice was tight.
“I hurt a lot of people. My family. Andrew. And you.”
Kate chanced a look at Jacob’s face. Shock rested on his strong features.
And something more. The tender hope that she had seen kindle in his eyes now broke like a glorious sunrise, pouring out its golden warmth, washing over Kate until she could nearly feel the heat of it on her skin.
And for the first time in a very long time, Kate allowed that very same hope to kindle inside of her, allowed that beautiful, dreamy what-if to materialize into the hazy, tantalizing vision that had slept dormant in her heart for so long.
It was intoxicating.
And terrifying.
What if she made the same mistakes? What if her daydreaming, romantic heart once again stole away her mind and led her down the garden path into hurt and pain and regret?
What if she made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons and hurt those around her yet again, and broke her own heart in the process?
Kate’s throat constricted, anxiety making it hard to breathe. Her voice was raw. “I’m sorry.”
Jacob lifted a hand as if to reach out to her, then dropped it to his side, balling it into a fist. “You have nothin’ to be sorry for,” he said in a low voice. “As long as you feel you made the right decision, I’m happy for you.”
Kate’s heart thudded. “I believe I did. No matter what happens next.”
“Good,” he said simply. He paused, studying her face.
His eyes were expectant, full of questions, like he stood ready on the cusp of some cliff edge waiting for someone to tell him he could fly.
Kate stood motionless, unable to speak past the swirling in her mind.
Her heart ached. Lord, must I lose him again?
But she didn’t dare say anything she would regret—not again. What could she do?
Jacob’s strong shoulders slumped. He turned and walked away, his horse and mule following placidly in his wake.
And in that moment, staring at his broad back as he walked away from her, a realization hit Kate like a hammer stroke.
She still loved him.
Truly. Desperately. Completely. Even after everything. But the intensity of her feelings frightened her. Her heart had betrayed her before. She couldn’t bear to go through that again. And the thought of causing Jacob more pain nearly stole the air from her lungs.
She needed to be sure, beyond any shimmer of doubt.
Kate’s mind whirled, searching for clarity amidst the tidal wave of emotions crashing through her.
She loved him. She yearned to be close to him.
She longed for him to wrap his strong arms around her and kiss her.
Was it only passion? Was there more to it than that?
Kate thought about all the time they had spent together crossing the wilderness.
What was it about Jacob that made her heart turn somersaults in her chest?
Her mind raced. He had protected her when she was vulnerable.
He wasn’t intimidated by her strength or put off by her unconventional ways.
He made her laugh. He brought out a side of Kate that was reserved for those she cherished most. She thought of all those special moments they had shared, the memories sparkling like jewels in her mind’s eye.
The moccasins he had given her as a farewell.
The way he had held her when Danny died.
Her chin puckered. Their quiet conversation beneath Chimney Rock.
The ease of their friendship was a golden thread woven through all the trials she had faced.
And now that he followed the Lord, what was holding her back?
Nothing. There was no barrier between them except her fear of making a mistake again. Lord, help me! I don’t know what to do! I love him, but I don’t want to start down a path unless it’s the one you want for me. Help me see. What is your will?
Her swirling thoughts stilled. A peaceful clarity descended gently on her mind as her mother’s tender voice echoed in her memories.
Katherine, the Lord never tells us to forget ourselves to become a wife.
He tells us to bring all that we have in us to bring glory to Him in all circumstances, including our marriage.
The Lord didn’t want her to carve herself into pieces to live a life solely of dutiful obligation.
He simply wanted her entire life, her whole being, fully and unabashedly dedicated to His glory.
Kate knew she needed someone with whom she could be all of who she was, every wild and unconventional part, to walk alongside her on the path the Lord had for her.
She watched Jacob’s retreating form, and her heart nearly burst out of her chest. He had been just as comfortable partnering with her in guiding panicked mules through a buffalo stampede as he was sitting in pleasant silence next to her on the wagon seat as they slowly sailed through the grass-covered hills of the prairie.
He had seen every part of who she was and had loved her.
And suddenly, Kate knew. She knew with a certainty that was almost solid enough to hold in her hands: she wanted to walk through life by Jacob’s side. She loved him. And she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And the peace that flooded her at the thought was the greatest gift of all.
“Wait!”
Jacob stopped but didn’t turn around, every part of his tall, rugged form rigid with tension.
Kate closed the distance between them with long, quick strides, weaving through the sagebrush, Sadie trailing dutifully behind.
She stopped in front of Jacob, searching his face.
His features were strained, his eyes pleading.
Kate’s breath came quick, her heart expanding in her chest until she could barely contain it.
“Please, Jacob,” she said softly. “Stay.”
His voice came out as a tortured whisper. “Why?”
Kate reached out and tentatively clasped his strong, calloused hand. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Because I love you.”
The strain in Jacob’s body slowly melted away, hope lighting his eyes once again. His hand tightened around hers until she couldn’t have let go if she’d wanted to. “Truly?” he asked.
She nodded, beaming. “Truly.”
A dazzling grin split his bearded face, and his eyes creased in the corners in a way that was so achingly familiar, Kate nearly melted on the spot.
The walls that had separated them were gone.
They were shattered and discarded, nothing between them now but the prairie breeze.
Jacob’s gaze sparkled in teasing amusement as he gently tugged her closer.
“Took you long enough,” he said, his voice husky.
“I know,” she said breathlessly. Kate’s heart was beating so hard she was sure he could hear it.
She drank in his nearness, the rightness of it sending tingles pulsing through to her fingertips.
As the sun set in a blaze of glorious color, his gaze wandered over her face, drinking her in, lingering on her mouth.
Then his arms wrapped around her and pulled her to him.
“I guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time then.
” The heavy promise in his voice made Kate’s breath catch.
Jacob leaned his head down and then paused, their faces mere inches apart, his breath feathering across her cheek. “May I kiss you, Kate McGrath?”
“You may,” she whispered, and their lips met.
It was a tender and beautiful kiss, sweet in its simplicity yet full of the promise of a thousand more, and when they broke apart, they were both a little breathless.
“So,” Jacob said casually, snugging his arms around her waist, “you decided to steal my hat, did you?”
Kate laughed, reveling in his closeness, in the feel of his muscled back underneath her fingertips. “Just lookin’ after it for you. Guess you’ll need it back now.”
“Naw,” he said with a wink, “it looks better on you.”
“We’ll have to find you a replacement then.”
“We got time.”
Time. All the time in the world. Joy filled Kate’s body.
She was floating, ready to soar into the sunset flaring on the western horizon.
Except she was anchored firmly to the earth by Jacob’s strong arms around her.
She couldn’t imagine a more perfect moment.
She wanted to memorize it in every thrilling detail: the way his dark beard curled along his jaw, how his mouth tipped in a dreamy half smile, how the fading sunset highlighted the handsome contours of his beloved face.
A delicious excitement filled her as she saw her future stretch out in front of her to where the distant hills met the sky, full of promise and light. She would walk whatever path the Lord had for her, arm in arm with the man she loved.
Kate reached a hand behind Jacob’s neck and drew him in for another lingering kiss and then pulled back, a soft smile playing on her lips. “So what do we do now?”
He gently brushed a wayward lock of her hair behind her ear. “How ’bout we start dreamin’ and see where it takes us?”
“And never stop?” Kate asked softly.
Jacob smiled. “And never stop.”