16. ~Caterina~
16
~Caterina~
“It’s not your fault, you know? Losing the baby is something that happened to you, not something you’re responsible for, Cat. I promise.”
“We’re in this together. We’re a team. I have your back just like the three of you have mine.”
“This is what it means to be ours, principessa.”
As those thoughts swirled around my head, it had my fingers flying across the keyboard of the military-grade laptop Joe had provided me a few days ago.
Thoughts of my men and the intense need to get back to them were spurring me on, firing me up, making me push harder and faster.
It had been two and a half weeks now.
Too long.
The four of us had been living under the same roof, intrinsically linked and bound together on our mission and in love for so long now, that I hated being away from that, away from them, away from what we shared.
And as I kept coming up against the same obstacles over and over again in my technological aspect of the fight against Angelo and Erebus, all of that just fueled my frustration to an unbearable degree.
This organization… fuck… to say they were technologically advanced didn’t exactly cover it. They were also using military-grade encryption.
While it wasn’t my first rodeo where either of those things were concerned, I had been running into a shitload of roadblocks that I wasn’t actually used to—at least, not to this extent. After making it through the arduous task of decrypting, all that time and effort had been proven fruitless when I’d discovered Erebus had a network of redundant servers. There was no way I could break in with that in play without being detected.
Son of a bitch.
Movement across the small living space had me jerking my head up from my laptop just as the front door of the small cabin opened. Instinctively, I snatched up the gun that Joe had left for me before he’d headed out earlier.
I quickly cocked it and took aim.
A split second later, he came into view.
As I lowered my gun, he shook his head at me. “You were slow on the draw there.”
“Well, I was distracted by the task at hand,” I said, securing the gun, then gesturing at the laptop on the coffee table before me.
“Hmm,” was all he said.
“Was there an issue?” I asked him.
“Issue?” he queried as he shook off his tactical jacket and hung it on one of the hooks beside the front door.
“You’re back early. Did you even have time to communicate with Carlo?”
He frowned as he walked over to me on the couch. “I’ve been gone for four hours, Caterina.”
“You have? Wow, time really flew on by then.”
“I assume that intense focus means you’ve made some headway?”
I closed the laptop lid and sank back against the couch. “I’m up against redundant servers, several layers of technological subterfuge, including cryptographic keys, and military-grade encryption.” I shoved a hand through my hair. “To crack their system, I’d also need to hit multiple servers at once, which would require synchronized precision. The bottom line is that I can’t do this on my own because of their complicated, multi-point security. I need to work with Levi.”
“You want to leave here,” he murmured. “Hmm.”
That hmm with him never boded well. It meant he was resistant to what I was suggesting. And that meant that I had a fight on my hands.
“As for trying to track Nathan Donahue directly, I’ve generated two sightings of him in the last five fucking years. There’s absolutely nothing recent. He’s clearly been underground this entire time. Our only chance is to access their communication systems and obtain a location on him from there. Obtain all intel about these fuckers. The locations of their servers, their operational hubs, upcoming operations, physical locations and systems.”
He perched on the edge of the coffee table. “Your boys have carried out two successful joint operations with Carlo Benzino that have resulted in the decimation of all the safe zones that Erebus was using within the city, while also eliminating said targets, as well as removing all remaining Leone Family soldiers from the equation.”
“Wow, that’s… that’s amazing.”
“It is, yes. Erebus will be suffering the fallout of it shortly.”
“So this is when we make our move. Sneak me back into the city so I can work with Levi and get this done, while Erebus, Angelo and also Leo, by extension, are reeling.”
“While this is a blow, it won’t have them reeling for long. One of Erebus’ strengths is being able to pivot and recalibrate.”
“As is ours. And by ours I mean all of us collectively. It’s time we pulled together on this, time you did. No more lone-wolfing it. Even all the leads and personal intel you gave me via your insider knowledge on Donahue haven’t panned out. He’s a true ghost like you. So you’ll need more that you to accomplish this mission. You’ll need all of us.”
He smiled.
“What?” I asked, off the indecipherable look he gave me.
“You’ve come a long way, is all. From a lone wolf like me, to an adamant team player.”
“Well, you made sure I could operate as a lone-wolf, but circumstances forged a different path for me in order to both survive and thrive in this war.”
“And you’ve also made connections that remain strong, despite your time away.”
“Did you think bringing me out here would alter that?”
“I suppose part of me had hoped that it would. The truth is that I don’t want you having anything to do with that lifestyle, the mob, any of it. Especially now the tide has turned, and there’s actually an opportunity for you to escape it. You could set up somewhere else, yet still use your reputation that you’ve garnered in the city so it wouldn’t be completely starting from scratch.”
“Leaving my men is not an option. We’re a package deal, Joe.”
He sighed heavily.
“I spent my life alone and they’ve altered that. They’ve become my family . I won’t turn my back on that. I can’t.”
I saw my words penetrate, the hurt all over him, as my statement was put out there.
He was leaving me little choice.
I needed him to understand.
There was no other way forward for me than with Nico, Julian, and Milo. They’d earned that devotion from me several times over.
“If you’d like to be a part of that, for me to keep you in my life beyond this brief safehouse interlude, a great step toward that would be you accepting them and respecting my decision.”
His eyes lit up. “You’d actually want that? Beyond this safehouse interlude, I mean?”
“To get to know you as my father?”
He nodded.
“I would like that, yes. But, given everything that has happened, and how I know you to be, it has to be on my terms.”
The corner of his mouth turned up. “I suppose after all you’ve suffered, all that training I put you through, expecting you to live a normal life devoid of danger, is a tall order, yes?”
“I’d say so. The die has been cast there, I’m afraid.”
“Okay,” he said, rising to his feet. “I accept your terms. However, you need to accept my condition. And it is non-negotiable. For your own wellbeing, Caterina. This isn’t me being stubborn or overprotective. It’s a necessity.”
Here we go. “What’s this condition of yours?”
“You take me down and we’ll leave.”
“What? You actually want me to fight you?”
“You didn’t have a problem doing that beforehand.”
“I was undergoing training then. A really brutal training program, I might add.”
“What you’re asking me to take you back into will require nothing less than being able to live up to that brutality.”
Damn him.
“Besides, I’m sure there’s some residual anger toward me that this will enable you to work out.”
“I don’t know how residual it is.”
He grinned. “Indeed.”
I pushed off the couch and rounded the coffee table. “You don’t think I’m ready, do you?”
“It needs to be a certainty. You’ve healed physically, but let’s not pretend that what happened didn’t shake you.”
“Something I’ve been processing since we’ve been here. And, while we’re talking about this, it’s something I can’t completely process without my men. We all lost our child, we all went through that, and we all need to work through the grief together.”
“It’s doubtful there will be time to entertain that much joint processing when we return, so I need to ensure that you’re combat-ready, and clear-headed to do what needs to be done, even in spite of that.”
“Some things never change. You always have a rebuttal for everything.”
“As do you. You’re welcome. You got that from me.”
I rolled my eyes. “You do know that I have the ability to disable all your security protocols in and around this safehouse, and leave without your agreement?”
“And you know that I’ll give chase. While your skills are next-to-none when it comes to the hacking and cracking of it all, you’re not at the same level as I am when it comes to fieldwork.”
Damn him again.
“Fine.” I squared my shoulders. “Let’s do this. I’ll show you that I’m good to go.”
Here goes nothing.
I grunted as I hit the grass hard.
Again.
Before I could recover, he was there going in for a kick.
I managed to roll out of the way in time, and I used the momentum to come up in a primed crouch.
“You’re not afraid to hurt me. You got past that during months of our training. So you’re afraid of getting hurt? Is that it?”
“No,” I told him. That would be a hell of a lot easier to conquer.
He dropped his fighting stance and frowned at me, at a loss, something definitely rare for him.
But there was no way he could deduce this, what was really eating at me in this situation. He didn’t know about it, he didn’t know the violence he’d taught me had slammed up against the violence of the world I’d inhabited for so long and had created a… monstrous entity within me.
I pushed from my crouch and back to my feet, straightening as I told him, “With everything that’s happened lately, something that was formed in me years ago, something I’d tried hard to deny, has risen up and become more prevalent. A dangerous, depraved and monstrous side of me. When I’m in combat, it unleashes. It’s what happened the night I was kidnapped by those three Erebus soldiers at Santino’s behest. It was also in that state that I murdered him.”
“You’re talking about bloodlust?”
“In a sense. But it’s also more than that.”
“Are you referring to the state that Nico lapses into when the need for violence arises?”
I started. “You know about that?”
“I’ve had eyes on him since he inserted himself into your life with your war several years ago.”
“Your invasiveness knows no bounds.”
“Not when it came to protecting you and ensuring you were well.” Off my look, he added, “But with how things have shifted, I’ll try to curb the intensity where that’s concerned.” He smiled. “For the good of our new father-daughter relationship that we’re trying to build.”
Well, that promise would do. At least for now. So long as it wasn’t just a fleeting thing, and I saw him actually trying to keep it.
“So, is that what we’re talking about with you as well?” he pushed.
“It’s similar, yes.”
“As I understand it, Nico likes entering that state. It’s very much bloodlust to him. How about in your case?”
“It’s triggered. By fear, indignation, the sense of powerlessness.”
“Everything that Santino and the world he created around you incited.”
“He was a major trigger, yes. No doubt.”
“It could very well just be a product of circumstances, then. And that’s something we’re working on changing, that we will change.”
“I haven’t let it out since that night I killed him. I haven’t wanted to. Not just out of concern that I could lose control, as I most often do when I unleash like that, but because I haven’t felt the need to. There’s been no pressure building up to do so, like there usually has been. So it could be better, or at least easing off now that he’s dead, that I’ve finally conquered that fucking demon in him.”
“But you’re concerned that may also not be the case and that it’ll come out through our battle here and any that you involve yourself in back in Tolhurst?”
“Yes.”
He rubbed his bristly jaw. “You’re certain you want this monstrous part of you gone?”
“It’s uncontrollable. It has me losing my grip on rational thought. I’ve also hurt Nico during an episode before.”
“It’s triggered by desperation, fear, and the sense of hopelessness, you said. That means you believe it gives you more power being in that state.”
“Undoubtedly.”
“Then I’d suggest learning how to control it, instead of repressing it. Learning to obtain better control will also take away your fear of losing yourself to it. Nico understands it, so you can work together. And I’ll help you both.”
“Okay, yeah. I mean, I’ll have to run it by Nico, but on my end, I’d like that. I trust you as a trainer, after all, so there’s a solid foundation there.”
He smiled, then assumed a fighting stance. “And, for right now, try to put me down without bringing it out. Let’s see how that goes.”
“It will give us a baseline,” I realized.
“Exactly.”
I readied myself and crooked my fingers at him. “Come at me, old man.”
“General rule of thumb, Caterina? Don’t antagonize your opponent.”
“I’ve actually found that to be helpful. It gets under their skin.”
“Touché. Although, you know well that it won’t work with me.”
“Either way, I should warn you that I’ve learned a few things since we last trained together.”
“I can’t wait for you to demonstrate them.”
“Then make your move. Let’s do this.”
A thrill ran through me as he did make his move, coming at me.
And for the first time in a long time, the thrill of the fight, the empowering sensation of being able to hold my own in combat wasn’t overshadowed by pain and negativity, by something bearing down on me through every moment of it.
No. This time it felt different.
Freer.