Chapter 23 #2
She returned to the bench to sit beside him, paying little heed to the faint whistle of the kettle.
It could boil over for all she cared in the face of this new disclosure.
Baró grew up in the teachings of the Great Holy and he might judge her for her birth.
“No. Usually, we are celebrated. There are many ways of expressing gender and to be given a body and spirit that crosses boundaries is considered twice-blessed. I told you — the reason I am an outcast is that the omens at my birth did not speak of celebration. The healer told my parents that I would live a life alone as I was ‘not meant for mankind.’”
“The omens held more weight than the uniqueness of your existence?”
Rivani nodded, feeling like her head had come unhinged from her spine.
What if Baró didn’t understand or didn’t accept it?
He would turn her out, of course. He grew up as an acolyte of the Great Holy.
Even if he did not subscribe to the teachings of the Great Holy now or ever, he would have to turn her out for failing to live up to some ideal of a noble savage.
Isn’t that what the Rivani were to those of his breeding — uncultured, uncivilized people?
And wasn’t she just some exception he had made in his own mind?
She kissed him and cuddled with him and held him like a lover.
He would hate her when he thought about it. She held her breath.
“I do not understand,” Baró said.
Her belly twisted.
“Why should you be shunned for that?” He continued.
“You could not determine your birth anymore than I could determine my parentage. I know firsthand how subjective omens can be and if you should have been honored and celebrated for that which makes you different, then an omen should not have been given credence.”
She breathed at last, relieved beyond expression that there were no recriminations or blame laid for not revealing it sooner.
Why should she say anything if they were not intimate in a way that would have merited that disclosure?
She had no expectation that they would be although she had imagined it, and hoped, a hundred times.
“You asked me early in our acquaintance if I preferred masculine language to describe me and I did not extend to you the same courtesy. I apologize. Do you wish me to refer to you with different language?”
His question banished her last lingering doubts since he showed more concern over doing her a disservice than anything else.
“No, Baró.”
“You said you have times when you present differently. If you wish my language to change at any time, let me know.”
Her heart swelled. With as new a piece of knowledge as all this was to her Baró who had been raised under the Great Holy, he did not fully understand it, but he did not let his lack of understanding impede his unconditional acceptance.
She took his hand, leaned over, and kissed his cheek in gratitude.
With the confession out of the way, her fantasies could leave the realm of fiction and become a fact. Her heart raced anew.
“Perhaps that is why I find your scent irresistible,” he theorized. “I smelled the difference without knowing.”
“Has no one ever mentioned anything like this to you?” She ventured.
“Why would they?”
“Your hips,” she said. Although he had behaved well at her own confession, she did not know how he would take this revelation. “They’re very wide for a man. Have they always been that way or were they a result of your ‘gifts?’”
“Always this way.” He glanced down though as if to verify his claim.
“I noticed that other men had slimmer hips but I always attributed it to my questionable parentage, like my lack of facial hair. The fashions of my day flattered me, though, and that would have been the only thing to inspire complaint.” He fell into silent consideration again.
“Are you suggesting that I’m...? But I have a.
..” His brows battered each other as he turned his attention back to her. “You know. A full complement.”
“Below means nothing. You may have all the equipment but....” She bit her lip. “I hate to tell you, Baró, those are birthing hips. There is no way to know for sure without taking you to a Mother, but I have suspected for some time.”
“That I am neavhiyat?”
“Nezhiyat,” she corrected, her face splitting into a grin. “It would also account for why the stories always describe you as ‘beautiful’ instead of ‘handsome.’” She paused. “You were an acolyte of the Great Holy. Does the revelation bother you?”
“My body changes constantly.” His face remained a mask of indifference. “Do you think that would shatter my worldview?”
Rivani breathed a sigh of relief. “A neither male nor female Rivani, who is not you, may serve as a better intermediary for you.”
“If you want to converse with the Magic, I will not stop you because I trust you to be wise. I do not profess to understand how gender works in magic, but She has no power over you, only me. Let that be all, I beg. If you should come to harm because you bargained over me, I will never forgive you and I will have to live with that, too, all my days.”
Rivani nodded again, her head again attached to her spine but feeling a wild mix of emotions.
“I will not compromise myself,” she promised.
They remained silent for a long while, letting the kettle whistle like a manic bird. Baró noticed first and retrieved the kettle, pouring for them.
“Rivani,” he asked as he poured, “you said the omens said you were ‘not meant for mankind.’”
Silence prevailed until Rivani recalled herself.
“Hmm?”
“You said that you were ‘not meant for mankind.’ You said you are ‘unlucky.’”
“Right,” Rivani confirmed, still somewhat distant. “While they thought I was nezhiyat, they wrung their hands but did nothing. When they saw I was neavhiyat at ten years old, they wed me to avoid ‘a life of misery and solitude.’”
“I have witnessed weddings of young girls at that age, usually as marriages-by-proxy, but rarely were they able to conceive at such a time of their life and they usually lived with their families until years later. But a ten-year-old wed to anyone with the expectations and obligations of a full spouse does not sit right with me.” His face crumpled in deep contemplation.
“Engaged perhaps, as I had been. I had been engaged three times before the age of six, but not married.”
“I know.”
“Did the omens prove true?” Baró encouraged when Rivani did not elaborate.
“My first groom was found dead the day after the ceremonies. In his revelries, he wandered into the forest and disturbed a boar. I was spared from the odious union but at ten years old, my reputation was sealed. Only a fool, it was said, would take me to wife.”
“And since, you have been outcast?”
“My parents tried again when I was thirteen,” she said with a sigh.
“A different caravan with different people. My new husband fell too into his cups on the wedding night to do anything and persisted in the occupation that we never consummated the marriage. A month later, he too died, falling down the steps of the vyardin and splitting his skull on a stone.” Rivani shrugged.
“My third husband and I married because it was safer in the parts we traveled. That one was my choice though. When I was twenty-six. He had no interest in me and I had no interest in him. He and I parted amicably several years ago when the marriage no longer served its purpose.”
“So...Are you...?” Baró prevaricated. Rivani bit down a smile and spared him from dancing around the topic.
“I tried taking the omens literally and took a few non-male lovers but...” She shrugged and took up the tea to give her hands something to do.
“They didn’t move me either.” And Rivani, not for the first time since she had begun entertaining intimate thoughts of Baró, considered other literal interpretations of the omens of her birth.
What was so wrong with her that she longed for a monster’s touch when she desired no other?
And what would he think if she confessed her desires?
Clutching the warm tea, she rose from the bench and opened the door to the sleeping herb garden.
She stood on the threshold and let the cold damp air soothe her burning cheeks.
The bench creaked as Baró rose and followed her, the noise of his hooves on the stone oddly comforting.
He did not touch her but stood at her back.
She shivered for reasons other than cold and fear.
She took a shaky drink of her tea. How would she introduce Baró to other Rivani?
He’s, bloodline-wise, one of us and although he is covered in fur, and doesn’t look human, and towers over everyone in camp, and sometimes finds it easier to walk on all fours, he’s excessively civil, gifted in construction, a skilled hunter, and dear to me.
The absurdity of it almost made her laugh until the inclination devolved into grief.
No one would ever understand even if she had the opportunity to take him with her.
Baró’s arms wrapped around her and he pulled her back against his chest. She smiled through her despondency, knowing the debate he must have had with himself about the appropriateness of holding her if he had not explicitly asked.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms now, though, so she hoped he realized that their intimacy was established enough that he could touch her with the knowledge she would let him know if she wished otherwise.
“Tell me, Baró, that there is nothing wrong with two outcasts taking comfort and solace in each other’s company.”
“There is nothing wrong with that,” he assured her, tightening his grasp on her and putting his cheek to the top of her head.
“Thank you,” Rivani sighed in his arms, afraid and comforted at once.
“Anyone from outside would look at us and think I am out of my mind for enjoying your affections as much as I do.” She took another sip of her tea for fortitude.
“I thought this year would be dreadful. I thought once you told me you would break the contract, I would stay through winter and leave at the first sign of spring. I thought that I would be eager to go.” Rivani closed her eyes, enjoying his warmth and solidity.
“I know I cannot stay bound to the land beyond the year. I feel my restlessness already, but I want to be with you. I want you to come with me.”
“If only I could.”
She lived in two worlds now, his and the life before him.
And like her, he too lived two separate lives — for him part man, part animal.
Maybe that was why she found a creature of fellow feeling in him.
She would have to ask the Magic for a way to work around all of this, one between-worlds being to another.
Rivani feared that if he could not go with her, she would be torn in two yet again when she left her heart behind.