Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Reverend Mother tapped the paddle to her palm. “Do you not knock, Sister Lilith?”
“It was—I was—just bringing you dinner, when—” Her wide eyes met mine and I watched helplessly as sadness swept her features for only an instant before it was quickly replaced by flushed-faced rage.
“Is this how you are so experienced?” She shook her head before addressing Reverend Mother.
“Is this what really goes on at The Altar Church of Lost Souls? Are all the nuns just—just—your playthings?”
“You’ll want to clean that up before it stains, Sister Lilith.
” Reverend Mother casually walked to her desk, picking up the white book and strolling over to Lilith, extending it towards her.
“Here, I wouldn’t want you to run out of paper before you write that letter back to The Abbey of Silent Damnation.
Send them my regards. Now, if you don’t mind, Sister Jezebella and I were in the middle of something. ”
Lilith kicked the lopsided bowl, loudly knocking it across the floor. “I hope you two are very happy together. I’m finished with this.”
As she stormed off, I stood, pulling my tunic down.
Reverend Mother raised an eyebrow. “Did I say you could move?”
“We’ve been intimate, her and I… me and her… Lilith and me.”
“Very eloquently put, Sister Jezebella.”
“Why were you looking through her prayer journal?”
“To ascertain her motivation for being here; however, I now find myself questioning yours.” Reverend Mother stepped forward, backing me into her desk.
“I took you in when no one else wanted you, I trained you in the ways of the lord, I taught you to be who you are within the confines of your vows, and you end up sleeping with the enemy? This is how you repay me?”
“I don’t think Lilith is the enemy,” I argued, straightening, feeling the heat in my body rise, my collar tightening around my neck.
“Who, pray tell, is the enemy, according to you, Sister Jezebella?” Reverend Mother crossed her arms, still holding the paddle, her expression unreadable.
Something inside me snapped into place in that moment.
All the doubt and skepticism floated to the bottom of the lake inside my soul and rendered itself useless.
We’d all run from something; we’d all sought refuge in churches that didn’t always offer us the safe havens we deserved.
Instead of love and mercy, each of us knew the harsh truth of what was really offered under the guise of communion bowls and crucifixes—and despite its name, it wasn’t sanctuary.
In the fury of the moment, I gestured around the room.
“All of this… the confines as you put them. All the men and rules and bullshit that forced each and every one of us to run for this steepled cage. You know it, I know it.” I stomped towards the door.
“Sister Lilith is a product of a system, a whole fucking religion built against us. A religion that forced you to marry, forced you to take a vow of silence, too. A religion that makes women like Iris Maison feel like they have to stay with husbands who want them dead. A religion that exalts bad men and puts them in positions of power. We’re all under the thumb of their god, aren’t we, Reverend Mother?
Who knows what sort of hell she’s been through.
If she was sent here for nefarious reasons, I don’t know, maybe she felt it was her only way out of Silent Damnation.
You of all people should be merciful towards that.
So, if you consider me blasphemous now, so be it.
I’m going to go find her, because I would want someone to come find me, too. ”
Reverend Mother didn’t say a word, or come after me, as I left her office.
I didn’t stay to read her expression or weigh the ramifications of my declaration.
It was very possible this final act of showcasing my rebellious spirit would have me exiled from Lost Souls.
I couldn’t take the time to seriously consider that horrifying reality.
A twice-dismissed nun… what a disgrace I’d be.
When I reached the door to Lilith’s and my shared room, it was locked. My fist beat against it as I spoke through the barrier. “Lilith? Let me explain… that wasn’t what it looked like.”
On the fourth pound of my fist, my arm slacked forward as the door swung open.
Lilith slung a bag over her shoulder. “It looked like you’re a liar and you’ve had some sort of twisted relationship with your own abbey’s prioress this whole time.
I’m such a fool. You never cared about me.
” She pushed past, storming down the hall.
Chasing after her, I replied, “That’s not entirely untrue… but I do care about you. Please, let me explain.”
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough begging for one night, Sister Jezebella?”
Turning the corner, Sister Pandorian and Sister Delilyx lingered in the doorway to the kitchen, their eyes widening as we passed by.
“Do they know?” Lilith stopped to ask.
When words escaped me, I rubbed the back of my neck, searching for something to say.
Lilith continued, addressing my Sisters in Christ. “Sister Jezebella enjoys being beaten and otherwise sickly pleasured by your own Reverend Mother. I walked in and saw it all myself.”
My face flushed beet red as my two sisters’ jaws dropped. Turning on her heel, Lilith pushed out the mudroom door and down the steps. Not waiting to feel the ire of Pandorian and Delilyx’s reactions, I continued to run after her.
“Did you think that would scare me off?” I asked, walking briskly next to her. The dinner was over, but a few parishioners lingered over tea and conversation, not paying us any attention. “Because it doesn’t. Do you think I have any shame at this point?”
“No, clearly you don’t. Not after what I just saw.” Lilith stomped towards the edge of the property, kicking through tiny yellow butterweed flowers.
“What about you, Sister Lilith? Where’s your shame? Weren’t you sent here to spy on us? To report back to Silent Damnation and what? Have us all sent away to more horrible churches?”
Lilith stopped in her tracks, only the back of her head covering and a few fallen locks of golden hair flowing behind her in the wind.
“Who are the children?” I asked, catching my breath, yet feeling every molecule in my body tense up as I awaited her answer. “The drawings, I found the drawings they sent you. Two women, two kids. Is that why you’re so good with babies?”
Lilith spun around, struggling to hold onto her bag. “You know nothing of me, Jezebella.”
“But I want to. Don’t you see that? I want to know you, Lilith. Are they your kids? What did the church scare you with to make you come here and do their bidding? Tell me, maybe I can—I can—”
“You can what? You’re just as helpless as I am, as we all are.” She held tight to her bag and turned, stomping towards the forest.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going to scale the other side of the moors and find the road home. I’m not staying here.”
I ran after her. “I can’t let you do that. You’ll die—plus the woods. There’s something in there, monsters, I don’t know, but I can’t let you—”
“I prefer those monsters!” She stopped at the tree line to shout, her eyes watering with tears.
“I’ll take the howling monsters in the forest over the monsters in robes holding bibles any day.
At least the ones with pointed teeth will make my death a quick one.
The other kind like to drag it out for decades. ”
“Lilith,” I breathed, feeling her sorrow sink into my bones. My own emotions cracking towards the surface of my chest.
“Go back and cry to Veilentine,” she snapped, trudging onto the trail and into the shadows of the forest. “I’m going back to Damnation.”
I looked back at Lost Souls and the soft glow from the stained glass. Beyond it, the lanterns of Howl Moor lit one by one. My home. The only home I’d known.
Yet somehow, something more precious marched into the woods. So, I followed her. Once I was walking next to her, I said, “Then I’m going with you.”
Her head whipped around as she shot me a glare. “What? No, you’re not. You wouldn’t survive it.”
I reached for her bag, and she held it tight, recoiling. “Would you give me that? It’s pathetic watching you try to carry anything heavy.”
“You’re not coming with me.”
“I definitely am. Sinister and Damned just earned themselves a stray nun. Let them do their worst to me, at least I’ll be there with you.”
“I won’t talk to you. I won’t even look at you.”
“Fine, then I’ll spend my days protecting you. I don’t care.”
Lilith’s ice melted just a bit as her voice wavered. “You can’t protect me… I can’t even protect… those that are important to me.”
Reaching forward, I slid her bag off her shoulder, and she let me. “Will you tell me, please?”
“What’s the point? At the end of this, I go back there and you go back to your—your—girlfriend, or whatever.”
A gruff chuckle left my throat as I hauled Lilith’s bag over my shoulder. “Veilentine is not my girlfriend.” It was then I noticed that somehow, with all our running and stomping, we’d made it a good ways up the trail. Though, it was getting dark and hard to see.
“Then what is she? Does she… force you to do those things?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. We have an… arrangement.” Feeling hot again, I pulled off my head covering and shook out my hair. “I came to Lost Souls because I couldn’t get a handle on my… urges. Reverend Mother helped me through our sessions.”
“What ever could any of what I just saw be helpful with?”
I shrugged. “Emotional release and feeling like I wasn’t trapped within the bars of my vows.
She helped me see myself and religion in a way that suited us and not them.
I learned my body, how to communicate, what I liked and disliked…
It helped me. She’s not the villain here and she’s certainly not anything romantic. ”