Chapter 14
I swipe Too Faced’s Better Than Sex mascara onto my eyelashes, staring at myself in the cloudy bathroom mirror and taking deep, ragged breaths in an attempt to calm my nerves.
“Stop breathing so loudly. I can literally hear you from here,” Jo shouts. “You may not pass out on my watch.”
Jo has been here since she closed up shop this afternoon, and she’s spent the last hour and a half helping me select an outfit and come up with conversation starters.
What’s your favorite restaurant in Boston?
How do you get your hair to look so sun-bleached even though you live in New England?
Jo knows as well as I do that it’s been many, many months since I’ve gone on a real date—double date not included—so I need to make sure my tool kit is full.
Especially considering that the last date I went on only lasted thirty minutes.
It was my old co-worker’s friend, so I thought he would have been appropriately vetted.
But no: Half a cup of coffee in, he made a joke about the size of his dick, at which point I “ran to the bathroom” so I could leave through the emergency exit.
I don’t know why I agreed to go on the date in the first place, but I suppose that’s the eternal question.
Tonight’s outfit is a silky midi dress, dyed a deep turquoise. The way it clings to my body while simultaneously swinging back and forth as I move is mesmerizing to watch in the mirror. And dressed down with a pair of strappy sandals, I look cool. Chic. Collected. Adult.
“You could always ask Harrison on a date instead,” Jo yells.
Something gnaws at my insides. (It’s guilt.)
“I’m not trying to get out of this.” I narrow my eyes at her as I walk back out of the bathroom and collapse next to her on the bed, taking care to smooth out my dress so it doesn’t wrinkle.
“You’re not trying to get out of the date, or the dress? Because asking Harrison out would help you accomplish both, if last night was any indication,” Jo mutters.
I scowl, ignoring her and not thinking about the almost-kiss last night. It’s so far removed from my mind, I don’t even know what she’s talking about. Last night? Remind me, what did I do last night?
“This guy is hot,” I say. “This is good for me.”
“I mean, I guess I agree. But why do you want to go?”
“Why not?” I ask, as if it’s that simple. “I’m trying to be an adult and do adult things. Plus, Rose said I should go.”
Jo shoots me a glare. “Well, if Rose says you should do it.”
I also bought a record player for my apartment because Rose told me it was embarrassing I didn’t have one, but I keep that to myself.
I also do not share that I switched from silver to gold jewelry because Rose told me all the hot girls wore gold now.
My ears and fingers are permanently stained green.
“It’s not that simple,” I say, holding my hands up in defense. “He literally told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t seriously dating right now.”
“Opinions change. Besides, I saw you two outside at Rose’s party last night. I’m not an idiot, and neither are you. You both know what’s going on.”
My skin prickles in the exact spot where Harrison’s fingers brushed against my back last night as he held me. Your smile makes me smile, he’d said. So much for not thinking about it.
“I have something to say,” I quietly offer.
“If you’re about to tell me you have a crush on Harrison, I’m going to slap you.”
“No, I know you already know that.” Jo slaps my arm anyway. “This sounds crazy, but…”
“Please, for the love of god, just say it.”
I swallow. “I think Harrison might have broken up with Stephanie because of me.”
For once, Jo actually looks like I’ve caught her off guard. She waits a moment before speaking, as if the statement deserves a moment to settle before she responds. Finally, she asks: “What makes you think that?”
“I swear, I never would’ve thought that at first,” I say, and she nods. “I mean, that would be insane, and even now, I feel so full of myself even suggesting it.”
“Okay, stop the self-deprecating. Get on with it.”
“It’s just that…the explanations he keeps offering for why he broke up with Stephanie are vague, but also I heard my name come up when they were fighting upstairs that one day, and I know he told his mom his relationship problems with Stephanie weren’t because of me, but of course he wouldn’t tell her that, and then there’s the timing of it all, and—”
“You’re rambling.”
“And he obviously has feelings for me. I think he doesn’t want to have feelings for me, but he does anyway, and he’s not sure what to do about it yet.”
“Hence last night.”
“Hence last night,” I agree.
Jo blinks slowly, considering. “I’m going to ask you a question.”
I blink slowly in return. “Shoot.”
“Do you want him to have broken up with her for you?”
“That’s an impossible question.”
“Try to answer it anyway, though.”
Do better, I think. Think it through, then tell the truth. “I want him to like me when I’m ready for him to like me. And I’m not ready yet.”
Jo’s face is devoid of emotion. “I cannot even begin to fathom what that means.”
I sit up, taking off my shoes, then propping my back against my pillows and flinging my throw blanket over my lap, potential wrinkles now worth the comfort of a warm cocoon.
“Um,” I say, staring at my toes peeking out from the foot of the blanket.
“It means that I would like Harrison to like me once I’m done with pelvic floor therapy, but not before then?
” Jo looks like she’s going to pass out, so I continue rather than face her wrath.
“And it means that Harrison thinks he likes me, but he doesn’t really know what he’s getting into, so he can’t really like me? ”
“So tell him what he’s getting into,” Jo says without missing a beat.
“If I told him, he’d want to date me anyway.”
“So tell him,” Jo repeats, looking around the room as if searching for an explanation.
“I don’t want to date him until I’m the best version of myself.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Jo says.
I laugh, and then I realize she’s not laughing. “Okay,” I say cautiously. “Your point is made.”
“You don’t need to better yourself to date someone you like,” she says, fuming.
“That’s not how it works. You don’t wait until you’re the best version of yourself, whatever you mean by that, to date the person who you’ve been pining after and who has liked you forever.
You’re the only one making it complicated. ”
“You know as well as I do that Harrison and I have always been just friends.”
She scoffs. “Yeah, right. Me and you? We’re just friends.
” She puts air quotes around the words, her tone turning sharp.
“Whatever’s going on between you and Harrison is something completely different, and it always has been.
And believe me, I would know. I’ve had a front-row seat to the entire saga, from day one. ”
“What is happening right now? Why are you being mean?”
“Because!” Jo raises her voice, and I cringe, praying Harrison isn’t home.
Jo lowers her voice slightly as she continues.
“Because we were supposed to be taking care of each other right now, but now Harrison is back in your life and Macy’s gone, so I’m suddenly the third wheel.
And that’s when you decide to invite me at all. ”
“I know. I’m sorry. And I really, really empathize with you about Macy having to leave for six months. I can’t imagine how hard that is.”
“Yes, Emma, it’s fucking hard. And I’m so grateful to have you here in town, but whenever I’m with you, it feels like you actually just want to be with Harrison.
And he only wants to be with you!” She waves at me to stop talking as I open my mouth to argue.
“You literally ditched me at Rose’s party.
Did you think I wanted to talk to Rose’s roommate’s cousin about drug store hair dye?
No. I wanted to hang out with you. I mean, for the love of god, does no one want to be around me? You don’t. Macy didn’t, apparently.”
“Jo,” I whisper. “What happened with Macy?”
“Nothing!” she yells. “And that’s the worst part!
Nothing was wrong, and then they took this gig anyway because they said it would be good for their career, and now I’m fucking lonely and I’m fucking stressed all the time, and you are driving me insane because you have the love of your life right in front of you, and you just complain about it! ”
“I’m really, really sorry about Macy. And I’m sorry I haven’t been prioritizing you. That’s shitty of me. I promise I’ll be better. But when it comes to Harrison, it’s complicated, and you know that. It’s not the right time. I’m not ready.”
“If you say you’re not ready, then why are you going on this date?”
“I can go on a date without wanting to be in a relationship. It’s good practice.”
Jo looks at me like I’m insane. “What are you going to do? Sleep with him?”
I reel back. “That was mean.”
“Look, I’m sorry,” Jo says, sighing and rubbing her eyes. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”
And that is the question, isn’t it? Why am I doing this?
Why am I going on a date if I know I shouldn’t be in a relationship? I think it’s because this is part of doing better. Maybe if I go on a date and it goes well then I’ll take my physical therapy seriously and be able to have sex with someone. Maybe it’s because I’m bored.
Or maybe it’s because I want to feel normal. I want to feel like a fully fledged adult.
When I don’t answer, Jo continues. “I know dating is complicated for you. I know you haven’t been able to have penetrative sex yet.
I get it. But you can’t keep using this as an excuse to not be with someone you actually care about.
It’s depressing.” I blink, startled by her honesty.
“I know that’s a lot, but you’re never going to admit that to yourself.
Someone needs to say it,” she adds. “You deserve love.”
“I know I deserve love,” I say, my voice growing more heated even while I keep the volume low. “I deserve love, and yes, Harrison deserves love, too, but that doesn’t mean our love is a good match, at least right now.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Love is supposed to come naturally. It’s supposed to be simple. And that’s not us. It never has been, and it might never be. Not until I figure this thing out, anyway.”
Jo scoffs. “Anyone who’s ever been in love could tell you that nothing about it is simple.”
There are a million things I should say, but instead, “Jo, you have no idea what you’re talking about” comes out of my mouth. Which I know is absurd even as I’m saying it, because Jo has literally been in love with the same person for nine years.
“Don’t I, though?” she says, scowling.
“Sorry it’s depressing for you to hear that I can’t be in a normal relationship. Sorry it’s depressing to you that I’m a twenty-seven-year-old virgin.”
Jo narrows her eyes. “Do you know how idiotic it is for you to define a ‘normal’ relationship as one in which a man can successfully fit his dick inside of you?”
“That is what sex between a man and woman is, Jo.”
“I’ve told you a thousand times before, there are other ways to be intimate with men! Non-penetrative sex is for everyone.”
“Tell that to all the men who have ghosted me because I wouldn’t have penetrative sex.”
“Harrison isn’t like that, and you know it,” she hisses.
“Maybe Alexander isn’t, either,” I continue while Jo groans.
“So, yeah, Jo, I’m going on a date as my way of pretending I’m doing something about this, when we both know, as you’ve made so clear, that my own stupidity is the only thing stopping me from being happy.
Am I going to have sex tonight? Obviously not. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
Another loaded pause. And then, “So just to summarize,” she says, slowly, “you know going on this date is a stupid idea, but you’re going anyway?”
I stand up abruptly, my breathing stilted. “Fuck you, Jo,” I say. She scoffs at me, then stands up, grabs her tote bag, and rushes out, slamming the door.
I’m still glaring at the door when my phone buzzes.
Harrison: Everything okay? Heard shouting.
Instead of dealing with my emotions healthily, I scream into my pillow. When I lift my head, there’s a faint imprint of my Better Than Sex mascara flaked off across the fabric of my pillowcase.
Fuck you, Jo, I scream silently into the void. Fuck you for thinking you understand what I’m going through.
Some insane voice from the depths of my brain whispers back, Harrison would understand.
I punch my pillow, right in the makeup-imprint face. Fuck you, brain.
Emma: Yep! Just the tv. Thanks for checking.
Before I can text Alexander and cancel my date, another notification pops up.
Alexander: I’m outside in a silver Prius! Ready when you are
And most of all, fuck my life.