Chapter 4
four
SASHA
It’s been a week since Nathan and I have spoken, a week since we’ve looked each other in the eyes, and a week since I had the last remaining pieces of my heart stomped on.
He’s tried a couple of times to talk to me, but I shut him down before he could try to talk himself out of the situation.
I’ve learned very quickly that he’s a two-faced liar.
At least I don’t have to go to school with him, don’t have to pass him on campus or share a class. It’s the first time I’ve been thankful I went to Livler instead of Eastwood with my brother and ex-best friend.
When he finally realized that physically speaking to me wouldn’t do him any good, he started leaving notes on the fridge…
notes I refused to read. His would be angry, words only written to make himself feel better and to shine a positive light on himself.
They would be so different than the kind words left by someone unknown, words that were written solely for me, to make me feel better, to comfort me.
As angry as I am, the piece of me that misses him grows stronger every day.
I miss the way we used to be, before he became a piece of shit.
When I start to think that maybe we could work this out —which is stupid to begin with— I remind myself that he never stopped to think about how his actions would affect anyone else.
So now I spend my days completely alone, going to and from class, and hiding in Jurian’s room when I can’t stand the silence anymore.
I found his iPod underneath his pillow one night when I fell asleep in his bed. It was his dirty little secret, one only I knew of.
The stupid thing he got when we were twelve was the one thing he refused to share with anyone, he kept it hidden, using it as an escape when he needed the world to fade into the background. I bring it with me everywhere now. It’s my little escape from the world, just like it was for him.
God, what I wouldn’t do to have a twin talk with my brother about everything going on right now. He would probably tell me that he’s proud I’m finally standing up for myself.
“Sashaaaaa,” Jurian sing-songs as he closes our front door.
I stay where I am, face-first into our slightly questionable leather couch. This thing smells like old gym socks.
He drops his keys onto the counter before walking towards me, “what the hell are you doing?”
I lift my face off the couch, just long enough to give him a coherent answer. “Don’t ask questions, just let me pout in peace.”
A heavy sigh comes from my brother a moment before I feel his fat-ass sit on me.
“Get off of me, you jerk!” I yell, my long black hair falling into my face.
He chuckles, “not until you tell me what’s going on.”
“J!” I try to roll him off of me, but he’s too heavy. All that muscle from years of playing hockey is making it impossible.
“Don’t make me do it, Sash” he says.
He wouldn’t.
His hands brush my hair back, allowing me to see his upside-down grin before he pulls the card. “Tuna Casserole.”
I hate him, and I hate that stupid fucking pact we made when we were eight.
“I got passed up for an intern position at Starlight Games because my professor forgot that I applied.” I felt my heart drop out of my chest when she apologized to me today in class. I had to fucking remind her who I was before it even clicked in her head.
Jurian gets up the second the words leave my mouth, and I suck in air like my life depends on it. He doesn’t say anything while I sit in an upright position, and for the first time in years, I can feel the disappointment coming off my brother in waves.
“You don’t have to say it,” I tell him.
He sighs, running a hand through his black hair, those grey-blue eyes looking right into an almost matching pair.
It’s one of the many things I’m jealous of.
His eyes are beautiful, while mine are a dull grey.
His face softens, “why do you never stand up for yourself? I watch you let people walk all over you, and I watch you struggle because of it every day.”
I like it better when he doesn’t take anything seriously.
“You deserve so much more than this, Sash.”
I roll over in my bed, willing sleep to come to me, but an overwhelming amount of emotion hits me instead.
Tomorrow is my last day living in this apartment, my last day living with my best-
Fuck.
Ex best-friend.
I wish things were different, I wish he had never raped Claire, I wish he could have stayed that little boy he was when we lived back home, and I wish I had my brother here to comfort me.
I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t see a shift in him when we went off to college. Maybe it was because he was leaving his mom at home to deal with his dad all alone, or maybe it was because he finally showed his true colours… I guess I’ll never know for sure.
He was good once, pure, happy. His dad was always a piece of shit, but he never let that stop him from being a good person, he never let it affect him.
Maybe it’s the grief talking, but I don’t want this chapter of my life to end. I don’t want to walk away from my home, from Nathan.
I’ve seen a darker side of myself since everything happened, a side that I knew existed, but it stayed deep down where I could barely reach it. Now it’s hitting me harder and harder every day, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I have a better understanding of my brother now. I can see why he fought so hard to be the class clown, to always be the centre of attention… he needed to feel less alone.
The thoughts I have scare me. I try my best to ignore them, but sometimes they get so loud I can’t help but listen to them as they scream through my head.
The scariest one of them all is wishing I could join Jurian and Ian, but I’m too afraid to do it. I’m too afraid to actually commit to doing it, and I can’t tell if I’m thankful or angry for it.
Against my better judgment, I throw off my sheets, walk around the many boxes scattered across my room, and go across the hall.
I stand in the threshold of his room for a second, watching him sleep while tears gather in my eyes.
One last night.
That’s all I need.
A moment later, I’m crawling into bed next to him. He jumps, turning over with a startled expression. “Wha-“
I settle in, rolling onto my side and turning my back towards him, “I’m not ready to lose you too,” I whisper.
The tears start to fall, and they don’t stop. I choke on air as I sob, allowing myself to be comforted by my best friend when he pulls me in and holds me tight.
“You were the best thing to ever happen to me, Sasha Price.” I swear I hear his voice break before he takes a deep breath, “I hope you find someone who loves you half as much as I do.”
This isn’t love.
Love doesn’t hurt this much.
“Goodnight,” I tell him.