Chapter 9
nine
SASHA
The morning light pours through the window, lighting up the wall with beautiful arcs of sunshine.
All I can think about is how I opened up about my brother for the first time. I didn’t even mean to, it just kind of happened.
He made me feel safe, comfortable. Maybe I crossed a line, got too serious with him too fast, but it just felt… right. Everything about sharing that fucking bed with him felt right.
I don’t know what to do with Johnny, he meant every word he said to me last night —I know it— but that’s the thing that scares me the most.
For the first time in months, I don’t feel like I have to face all of this alone, because he’s here to help me through it.
If I ever tell him how I feel, and he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, then I risk losing him and the support he’s given me without even knowing it.
His arm tightens against my waist, and I feel a blush creep onto my cheeks. My back is pressed against his chest, pulled in tight by arms that haven’t let go of me all night.
He’s asleep, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Realistically, I know that this moment won’t last forever, but just for a second, I let myself think that this is more than it is.
Last night, he gave me way too much hope, confused me beyond belief with all the touching and whispering and jokes. Those fucking jokes about being more than friends are what truly sent me reeling.
He thinks he’s being funny, but I think it’s kind of cruel. He doesn’t know how I feel, but that doesn’t mean the sting isn’t there.
“Good morning, Pixie,” Johnny grumbles, seemingly unfazed by the position we’re in. “Did you sleep well?”
Let me think about that for a second. Yes.
It’s the best sleep I’ve had since Jurian died, since I killed him. I’ve been plagued with nightmares, restless sleep and a world filled with guilt for so long, I forgot what it felt like to sleep peacefully.
Ever since I met Johnny, the guilt seems to fade more and more. It’s still there —I don’t know if it will ever fully go away— but everything feels lighter when he’s around.
“I did. You?”
When he doesn’t answer, I turn over so I can look at him. He’s smiling, and the sight makes me dizzy.
No wonder every girl on campus is obsessed with him.
“You might have to spend every night with me if it means I get to keep sleeping like that.”
That sentence should have made me the happiest woman on earth, but it did the exact opposite. He’s saying everything I want to hear, all the things I want, but without the look in his eyes that I crave.
So instead of smiling or answering him at all, I just get up and start to put on my pants. If I open my mouth, I know my voice will break and the floodgates will open.
“I think the girls got up early to get Estellas. You hungry?” He asks. When I don’t respond, his brows knit together, “Hey, are you okay, Pixie? What just happened?”
“Yeah, I think I’m gonna go though,” I say, rushing towards his bedroom door, “thank you for last night, I’m sorry I got all emotional.”
Without looking back at him, I run out and down the stairs, praying to be the same I’ve always been… unnoticed.
“Hey!” Claire smiles from Lucas’s lap, his arms wrapped protectively around her waist. “How’d you sleep?”
Everything in me tells me to run, that their friendliness won’t last, and they’ll soon go back to their perfect lives and forget that I ever existed.
I want to run, except my feet won’t move. I’m frozen in place with a stupid look on my face and no idea what to say other than, “we didn’t do anything last night.”
Sometimes I want to punch myself in the face.
Blair laughs, “oh trust me, we know. Any time Davis has a girl in his room the whole-“
“Say another word and I’ll make sure Tony knows who took the screws out of his chair last year during prank week,” Davis growls, coming up to my side and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
Claire gawks, spinning around in Lucas’s lap to stare at Blair. “That was you?”
They start to bicker back and forth, but I completely tune it out and focus on the casual way Davis is touching me.
I need him to stop touching me.
I need him to let me leave so I can protect myself and my heart.
He’s going to break it.
But what if he doesn’t?
“You should stay for breakfast,” Davis whispers, “please.”
No, no, no, no, no.
“We weren’t sure what you liked, so we got you the basic breakfast,” Steph says, cutting through the storm brewing in my head. “I hope that’s okay.”
Her big green eyes look up at me with nothing but hope, hope that she made the right choice, hope that I’ll stay.
Stephanie Saunders has one of the spikiest exteriors of anyone I’ve ever met, she’s sassy and tough, speaks her mind without a fear in the world, and goes to bat for her friends when they need her most… but on the inside, she’s a big teddy bear who loves with her whole heart.
She’s nice, at least she has been so far.
She came to my rescue —kind of— that day when I first met everyone.
Suddenly I feel bad for wanting to leave, they went out of their way to get me breakfast. They thought of me when they didn’t have to.
“That’s perfect,” I tell her.
The smile on her face makes the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach dissipate, and the smile on Davis’s face makes my stomach do about a million flips.
He guides me to the kitchen counter where our food is waiting, and digs in while chatting with his friends.
Estellas is the best restaurant in town, but I’ve never had the chance to try it. Most people go with their friends, and my only friends went to Eastwood, which meant it was in enemy territory.
I’m shovelling the food into my mouth when I notice everyone staring at me. A blush creeps onto my cheeks and I swallow, “what?”
August snorts, “you eat like you haven’t had food in months.”
Claire smiles softly at me, elbowing August in the side to shut him up. “You’ve never had Estellas, have you?”
I shake my head, “I never really had anyone to go with.” The admission makes me realize just how fucked up my college experience has been so far.
I’ve spent the majority of the last four years following Nathan and Jurian around like a dog instead of doing things I’ve wanted to do. I always let them decide, and never pushed when I probably should have.
Part of me expects them to laugh, to mock me endlessly, but instead they all smile. Like they’re happy they get to experience this first with me.
“Guess we’ll just have to take her with us next time we go,” Miller tells the group, then turns to me. “It’s so much better in person.”
Steph plops down in one of the stools next to August, wrapping a hand around his, “they have these slushies that are to die for. I introduced them to Claire during freshman year, and she went crazy.”
Claire laughs, cuddling into Lucas like they’re the only people in the room. “They are amazing, but they don’t have the only good flavour-”
“Orange,” we say at the same time.
My eyes widen in shock.
The guys look between the two of us as we stare at one another, something like understanding coming over us as I realize we may be more similar than I thought.
I don’t know how, but I know that the reason why we both love orange slushies is the same.
They were a comfort when we didn’t have anything or anyone else. Something to make the days a little less dark.
“Can we keep her?” Steph chuckles, pointing at me like a pet in a window.
Maybe there is a place for me here.