Chapter 14
fourteen
SASHA
I’ve learned three things in life.
One. The happiest people usually have the darkest minds.
Two. I’m observant, sometimes too observant.
And three. Johnny Davis is worth fighting for.
The second he walked into this house and scooped me up in his arms, I knew he was sticking around for the long haul. He didn’t hide or run from my truth. Instead, he ran straight into the shit storm that is my life, headfirst without a worry in the world.
He’s sure of me, just like I’m sure of him.
And now he knows that.
It took me longer to see than I’d like to admit, but after I saw that he was fighting a battle not all win, I couldn’t un-see it. Everything he does is lighthearted and silly, but it’s just a mask.
Maybe he didn’t tell me because he doesn’t trust me, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s because he thought I would go running for the hills the second I found out.
I didn’t.
I’m still here, and he’s finally seeing that.
All these walls are being broken down, every barrier we put up to protect ourselves is being shredded into pieces, and fuck is it scary…
But so exciting at the same time.
“Guess we’re both a little fucked in the head, huh?” He laughs.
Shrugging, I keep holding onto him, too comfortable in his arms to let go. “Everyone’s a little fucked up, we all have our own crap we’re dealing with.”
“Exactly. Don’t forget to listen to your own advice every once in a while.”
“Hmm,” I hum, not willing to tell him it’s easier said than done. “Can we talk about the rest of our crap another day? I was having fun tonight, I don’t want to ruin it.”
He kisses the top of my head, “whatever you want, Pixie.”
That nickname gives me butterflies every time I hear him say it. It’s for me, and only me. His own little territorial stamp.
I don’t think he’s realized everything yet, just that I’m afraid of cars. One day I’ll tell him, but voicing the truth to someone I barely know —someone I’m so scared of losing— is terrifying.
“Oh my god!” Claire screams from upstairs, “my curtains!”
The stench of fire fills my nose a couple seconds later, Johnny must smell it too because we blink at one another before running up the stairs.
When we stop in the doorway, I can’t help the burst of laughter that exits my mouth.
Her curtains are charred.
“What the hell happened?” Johnny asks through laughter of his own.
Claire crosses her arms, huffing before nodding her head to her boyfriend and his three friends who are tangled in a pile on the floor. “Ask these idiots.”
Steph lays on Claire’s bed, barely sucking in oxygen as she rolls around in hysterics at whatever happened up here.
All the boys glare at her. Well, except for the boy standing next to me.
“It’s August’s fault!” Lucas yells, “he tripped Claire.”
August’s jaw drops, “we were messing around you protective asshole.”
“Nuh-uh, you were messing around, she got tripped,” Lucas retorts, kind of sounding like an eight-year-old who’s getting into a fight on the playground.
“Still not understanding here,” Johnny says.
Rolling her eyes, Claire picks up a candle and thrusts it in our direction.
“August and I were messing around, he tripped me and I landed on my bed,” she sends a pointed look to Lucas before continuing.
“Lucas lost his damn mind and tackled August, so Miller tried to pull him off, which then made Blair jump into action to get Miller off of Lucas.”
My head is spinning.
“The four of them ended up in a big pile on the floor and knocked the candle off my desk… hence the burnt curtains.”
Oh.
“So they caused a small fire,” I state, just to be sure I’m on the same page.
Claire nods her head.
“That’s it?” I ask, looking around the room and seeing no other damage.
“Oh my god, it was priceless,” Steph finally chokes out. “I thought they were gonna piss themselves. I’ve never seen a group of men so scared.”
All I can think of in this moment is how fucking ridiculous they all are. I mean, who else would experience something like this? Literally no one. No one but these people have these kinds of problems.
But they’re good problems to have.
Despite how pissed Claire seems to be, I know that within a couple hours she’ll be over it, and the whole group will be back to their twisted version of normal.
I don’t think I’ve ever met a group of people so god damn absurd in my entire life.
It seems like there’s always something going wrong, and yet they love each other to pieces anyway.
They have this weird way of brushing things off and moving on in life, like no matter what happens, they have each other and that’s all that matters.
I guess in a way that’s true, if you have people in your life that love you unconditionally, everything else just kinda falls into place.
“Aren’t you glad I dragged you into this mess?” Johnny smiles, pulling me into his side, draping an arm over my shoulders.
“I was just trying to help!” Miller whines.
“And I don’t want to hear it,” Claire chides, “you had just as much a part of it as anyone else.”
“But-“
“She said stuff it,” Blair cackles.
Claire’s eyes snap towards Johnny’s would-be twin, “don’t make me come over there, Nicholas Blair. I will call your mother.”
August snickers, shoving Blair towards the brunette with fire behind her eyes.
Pun intended.
“You don’t even know who my mother is,” Blair retorts, stumbling away from Claire.
“I’ll give you her number!” Lucas screams, no doubt trying to get back on his girlfriend’s good side.
“Nice man, real nice.”
“Sorry, but that girl knows where I sleep. She’ll cut my dick off if I don’t take her side.”
“I know where you sleep too, asshole.”
Yes, Johnny. I am happy you dragged me into this mess.
Staring at the dysfunctional family in front of me, I can’t help the soft smile that curves my lips. There is nowhere else I’d rather be in this moment. These people are healing parts of me I never thought could heal.
One smile…
One laugh…
One day at a time.
“August Write you should not be laughing right now,” Steph warns from her perch on the bed, coming to her bestie’s aid.
“What-“
Lucas, Blair and Miller burst into laughter the second she silences him with one look.
That all changes the moment the two girls start walking towards the massive hockey players and they get to their feet faster than I’ve ever seen.
All of them shove past Johnny and I in an attempt to escape, screaming for mercy as they book it down the stairs.
“So, am I officially your favourite again, Clarity?” Johnny asks, completely unashamed.
She nods, “yes. Yes you are.”
With beer bottles scattered around the living room, and the earlier events of the night long forgotten, I snuggle into Johnny’s side.
The girls convinced me to stay the night, to let loose and have a drink or two and I could crash in Claire’s room, but I think we all know whose room I’m ending up in tonight.
Call it a gut feeling, but I don’t think Johnny is letting me out of his sight.
Claire and Lucas lounge in a big chair next to us, trapped in their own little world while the rest of us watch a Dallas game. The two of them are so in love, it almost hurts to see.
I can’t imagine one without the other. I don’t know their full story, but from the small bits and pieces I’ve heard, I know getting here wasn’t easy for them.
Those two will last a lifetime.
Turning my attention back to the game, I realize just how crazy hockey is. I mean, sure, my brother and best friend played at the collegiate level, but I didn’t go to any games.
I was always uninterested in going, but now I’m starting to think it’s because I was told I would be uninterested. My attention has been locked on the TV for almost the entire game, every twist and turn captivating me in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I watch as Dallas’s number 22 gets on the ice, plowing through the other team and grabbing the puck right from one of their sticks.
It’s mesmerizing.
“That’s Claire’s brother,” Johnny whispers in my ear.
I shoot up from my position in his arms, turning to get a good look at his face. “Really?”
He nods, and when I turn to seek confirmation from Blair and Miller —who are sitting right next to me— they do the same.
“Holy crap,” I say wistfully, turning to Claire.
August snorts from his position on the ground, “she sounds like us when we first found out.”
Steph elbows August in the ribs, “shush.”
I mean, I knew her brother played hockey, it was all anyone could talk about after the whole Nathan incident at the arena a couple months ago… but I had no idea just how good he was.
He’s dominating the ice.
Claire smiles sadly at me, and my heart breaks for her. “I’m sorry,” I say, kicking myself for projecting my own life onto her.
I had a brother who overshadowed me in every sense of the word. I was always second place to him, no matter what I did, and just because that’s how I grew up doesn’t mean that’s how she did.
“Why are you apologizing?” She asks, genuine curiosity coating every word.
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I want to know what you meant.” Her eyes bore into mine, but not in an accusatory way, more like she knows what I’m about to say before I say it.
Shrugging, I scratch at my forearm, seeking comfort in the tattoos that make up most of my skin.
“My brother played hockey too,” the words tear themselves out of my throat, but I keep going because I need to learn that it’s okay to talk about him.
“We were always close, he never treated me like I was lesser than, but that didn’t stop others from doing it. ”
Johnny places his hand on the small of my back, rubbing small circles, reassuring me in the tiniest of ways.
“I was always the second sibling. I guess I just figured things were the same for you. Having a big, famous brother might seem fun from the outside, but when you peel back the layers and look at it for what it really is… it’s sad.”
Claire climbs off of Lucas’s lap, and as she crouches down in front of me, I feel panic starting to crawl up my throat.
But I take a second to look at her, and I mean really look at her. Her bright blue eyes are stunning, but I see the same thing in her that I saw in J, that I see in Johnny.
It’s hurt.
The freckles that lay across her cheeks are like little kisses, but as they scatter up towards her brow, I notice they seem almost out of place.
Without being able to stop myself, I press my thumb to her temple, tracing a faint scar that faded over time.
She takes in a sharp breath, closing her eyes before opening them again and smiling. “You are not the second anything, Sasha. In fact, in this group, you’re the first.”
“What?”
“No one ever caught that detail without me having to explain it to them, my relationship with my brother, I mean.”
Oh.
“So no, Sasha, you are not the second-place sibling. You two were wonderfully unique in your own ways, I’m sure there are things he envied about you, things he could never do and wondered how they came to you so naturally. I know he’s looking down on you with nothing but pride.”
Everything pauses just then, my body goes numb and I stop seeing anything but the girl in front of me. “You know?”
Claire licks her lips, staying silent to allow me to process this at my own pace.
It takes fifteen seconds.
Fifteen seconds of silence in the room.
Fifteen seconds of my heart thundering in my chest.
Fifteen seconds of my mind whirling.
“You all know?” I rasp.
Lucas is the first one to speak, “yeah. We all know.”
Jesus Christ, I can’t breathe.
Why can’t I breathe?
My face falls into my hands, trying to save whatever pride I have left.
“Sasha, it’s okay,” Steph tries to soothe.
But is it? I was talking to him about J, opening up to him about my grief and he already knew about the accident. The one time I actually opened myself up and he already knew.
I want to feel betrayed, I want to feel angry, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to be upset with any of them because at the end of the day, they were giving me the choice to talk about it when I was ready.
Jurian’s death was headlining news for weeks, his face was plastered across every social media post. The hockey world is small, and I knew that, I knew that everyone would know.
Looking around at all the people I’ve grown to know, I realize that they are all about choice. They give each other space to come forward when they’re ready, to talk about it when the time is right, not to feel pressured.
Nathan was never about choice. Sure, he masked it to look like choice, but at the end of the day, it was always what he wanted. We always went to the bars he wanted to, always watched his movies… whatever it was, he would push until he got what he wanted.
Just like he did with Claire.
“I’m sorry, Sash,” Claire says quietly.
Johnny leans in close, pulling my hands from my face and forcing me to look at him, “this doesn’t change anything.”
It will when you find out why he died in that car.
They don’t know the whole truth.
Run.
Run.
Run.
“I know,” I lie, “I just thought you guys didn’t know.”
Miller places a hand on my shoulder, tears hanging in his eyes as he speaks. “Davis is right, it changes nothing. We’re here for you if you ever want to talk about him.”
“He was a good guy,” Blair offers, “vicious on the ice but kind as hell the second we took off our helmets.”
My heart hurts.