Chapter 15 #2
When I join the others, they’re giving Blair shit, mostly for lying down in the middle of the ice like a toddler having a temper tantrum, but also for quitting while the rest of us stuck it out.
August wraps a towel around his waist as he exits the showers, “seriously man, you gotta work on your cardio. That was pathetic.”
Blair tosses an elbow pad at him and flips him off, “my cardio is fine, thank you.”
“Sex doesn’t count!” Lucas tosses over his shoulder, zipping up his bag and running a hand through damp hair.
A couple of the guys try their best to hold in their laughs while my best friends continue bickering. They’ve learned very quickly to keep quiet while we’re fighting, otherwise they get ganged up on and become the centre of our attention.
Most of the time, it doesn’t end well for them.
“Sex totally counts bro, that shit is hard work,” Blair retorts. “But maybe Claire’s holding out on you, so you wouldn’t know.”
Lucas’s face screams murder just long enough before he springs into action to allow August and I to grab him. “Say one more thing about my girlfriend and you won’t have to worry about anything anymore, cause you’ll be dead!” He screams, trying to rip himself out of my grasp.
“Low fucking blow,” August grumbles to Blair, “you know she’s off limits.”
If I weren’t so busy trying to stop my friend from killing my other friend, I probably would have punched Blair in the face myself. But, I know he regretted the words as soon as he said them, I can see it on his face.
Lucas being in a relationship is taking some getting used to. We love Claire more than anything, but I think we sometimes forget we can’t make jokes like that anymore.
When there was a rotating door of girls coming in and out of the house every week, that was a different story.
“That was too far, I’m sorry.” The sincerity in Blair’s voice is clear, he didn’t mean to hurt Claire or even bring her into it. He was just trying to snap out a response.
Lucas finally calms down enough that August and I feel comfortable letting him go, but we keep an eye on him.
When I walk out of the change room, I notice Claire leaning against the boards and staring out at the ice. She has a thoughtful look on her face, like she can’t decide how she feels about whatever is running through her mind.
“Do you miss it?” I ask, leaning on the boards next to her.
She shrugs, “sometimes, but I’m happy with my choice.
Running this arena takes up so much of my time, and Lucas is always complaining that he doesn’t see me anymore.
Besides, I’ve been thinking of coaching after graduation.
” There’s a note of hurt or longing in her voice, like she’s trying to put up a front even though she doesn’t have to do that with me anymore.
I don’t fully understand why she would quit something she loves so much, especially because she was so damn good at it, but I can understand wanting to move on.
From what I can gather, skating was the one thing she had that wasn’t about her brother, but now that the world knows they’re siblings, they might try to spin it.
“Clarity, what’s going on?” I ask, thinking back to the conversation I overheard before.
“I’m waiting for you guys,” she laughs, “I thought that was kinda obvious.”
I give her a knowing look, “no. I mean with you. Tony said you were gonna be okay, which makes me think that things aren’t okay.”
She turns her head, hiding her face from me.
“Talk to me,” I beg, “you know I’m going to be here for you no matter what. You saved my life, Clarity. Let me help you.”
She doesn’t say anything, so I grab her hand. “Let me help you,” I repeat.
When she finally looks up at me, she has tears in her eyes. “The anniversary of my suicide attempt is coming up. It’s next week.”
For the second time in what seems like days, I have a girl crying in my arms, holding her heart out for me to see all the beatings it’s taken.
I’m the only one in the house who knows about her attempt and about how bad it truly was when she was living with her parents. My heart aches for her, knowing all too well how this kind of anniversary can have a negative impact on a person.
“Claire,” I choke out.
She shakes her head, “I’m fine, really. I’m being a big baby about it.”
“Secret for a secret?” I ask, knowing that it might be the only way to get her to open up to me.
She laughs, “you’re cruel.”
“Talk to me,” I repeat.
All I want is for her to be okay and to know that I’m here for her. She’s been trying to be more open about her life before Livler, and how all of the abuse she went through has affected her.
I have to give her credit, she doesn’t flinch anymore when someone brings up the topic or mentions her father —not that it happens often— but she’s trying.
“I don’t know how to talk about this kind of stuff with anyone other than Chris or Tony. I’ve never had anyone else to talk to.”
She didn’t have friends, I remind myself.
“I just hate knowing how bad I let things get before I reached out for help, and even though I never told anyone about the abuse, I still got help for my depression and anxiety. I hate how much power my father had over me, and that the only way I thought I could get out was by killing myself.”
The hand I’m still holding in mine shakes violently, but I don’t let go.
She smiles sadly at me, “I’m thankful Chris got to me in time though, otherwise I never would have met you all.”
I thought she’d been happier lately, more peaceful.
Everything with her parents came out in the media, and even though the paparazzi have been more aggressive than usual, she doesn’t seem bothered by it…
but then again, I’ve been wrapped up in Sasha.
I haven’t been paying close attention to my friends at all, and I kind of want to kick myself for not noticing her drowning sooner.
“Have the press started to back off a bit?” I ask.
She shakes her head, “a little, but I think that’s only cause Chris bit one of their heads off when we went for dinner last week.”
I remember that headline. A nice, big picture of Chris screaming was plastered across multiple magazines. They called him crazy, but they seemed to miss the part where the guy tried to grab Claire’s arm as they were walking to the car.
Lucas went berserk when she told him that little detail, said he’d be willing to rot in prison the rest of his life if he could get his hands on the guy who tried to touch her.
We had to lock him in the bathroom until he calmed down.
“I still don’t completely understand how you stayed hidden for so long, or why the press cares about your family so much.”
Claire adjusts her position in the chair, “I don’t get it either, the whole caring about us part, but when you have a famous brother and a father who runs an investment company with the biggest names in the game, I guess it just comes with the territory.”
My heart hurts for her, she doesn’t deserve a single thing that’s happened.
“I used to go to galas with my parents, Chris and I would be forced to show our faces out in public to sell the idea that we were a big, happy family… but my parents never wanted me in the pictures with them.” She doesn’t look sad as she speaks, but there’s a note of disappointment or exhaustion, like she’s tired of the life she’s lived.
I squeeze her hand, “you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I mean it when I say that, she shouldn’t have to keep talking about them, or feel like the most interesting thing about her is her family… because it’s not.
“They would force me to head in separately from them,” she continues, “and it hurt at first, but eventually I was thankful for it. When I decided that I didn’t want to be associated with Chris for the rest of my life, it made it easier.
There were a couple of photos from when we were younger, but we both looked so different then, you’d have to really dig to find them, and there were enough pictures of Chris floating around already that the media didn’t need to dig to find anything.
No one could ever make the connection by looking up my name, for all they knew it was Claire Loyola, and looking up Chris’s name would only bring up photos of him, mostly hockey-related things or events he would go to with the team. ”
I can’t imagine how she must have felt, the kind of invisible no one should ever have to endure was basically her entire childhood.
The two people who were supposed to protect her, let her down in so many ways that I don’t think I can count them all.
“Everything that happened to me hurt, and I’m still learning how to cope with it all, but knowing I have all of you makes it just a little bit easier.” Claire throws her arms around me, holding me tight before whispering, “you’re turn.”
With a deep breath, I hold up my end of the bargain.
“My mom has always worried about me, but after my dad left, she was dead set on making sure that I was going to be okay. I felt so bad that all of my problems had been dumped on her, and that she was trying to figure everything out on her own, that I started to pretend like I was getting better.”
I had always downplayed my depression, never wanting to talk about it or let anyone know how bad it really was, but after my dad decided I wasn’t worth sticking around for… it got so much worse.
“When I came to Livler, I thought it was time to reinvent myself. I didn’t want anyone knowing how fucked up in the head I was, so I created this whole I don’t give a fuck about anything persona, all the while I was getting worse and worse.”
Claire’s hands wrap around mine, squeezing so tight I start to think that I’m going to lose blood flow. But she just nods, encouraging me to continue.
“Like I told you before, I never told any of the guys why I was out for so long a couple of years ago. I didn’t want to burden them, so I lied and said I was really sick.” A dry laugh escapes my lips, “I guess that wasn’t a complete lie, I was really sick, just not in the way they thought.”
They fussed over me like mother hens when I got back. Miller was the worst of them, he barely left my side while I rotted away in bed. The man literally was spooning chicken noodle soup into my mouth while telling me I was doing such a good job.
If I hadn’t been so fucking depressed, I would have told him to go fuck himself, but it felt good knowing my friends cared about me.
“I used to play this game when I was a kid,” I tell her.
“I would see how fast I could put on a happy face by flicking the light switch on and off. One second I would be sobbing, and the next I would be smiling like nothing happened.” I’ve never told anyone that before, but I know that Claire is the right person to confide in.
“I still do it sometimes. I mean, I don’t physically flip a switch or anything, but I still tell myself to turn it on when I leave my room, or walk into a house full of people. ”
Tears burn the back of my eyes, but I force them back.
“I feel so lonely, but I can’t bring myself to make the leap of faith.”
“You know you can tell them, right? They’d want to know, want to be there for you,” she reassures.
I smile at her, “I will —one day. I just don’t know how I would bring it up to them.”
“And until then, I’ll be here for you. Every step of the way, okay?”
“And I’m here for you. This next week is going to be hard, but you’ve gotten through it before, you can get through it again.”
“You headed to meet Sasha?” She asks, changing the topic.
“Not today.”
Her lips quirk up into a smirk, “I like her, she’s good for you. I like seeing you happy, it’s refreshing.”
I like seeing myself happy, too.
Lucas walks up next to us, wrapping an arm around Claire’s shoulders and leaning down to place a soft kiss on her lips. “Don’t you have your own girlfriend to bug now?”
Claire gives him a light shove, “you are so not funny.”
He smirks at her, “and yet you’re still with me.”
Watching them finally together —and happy— brings a warmth to my chest. I’m glad they finally found each other, and seeing how well they balance one another out gives me hope for what Sasha and I could have.
I would never admit it to either of them, but they’re a pretty damn good couple. It may have started out rocky, but they figured their shit out and got to where they need to be.