Chapter Sixteen
There was no such thing as healing, only mending to a certain degree.
Hours passed, and Rune didn’t return. Seraphina thought it was only in her head at first, that time seemed to stretch endlessly because she was alone and worried about him.
But then she felt a chill in the air, and when she pressed her nose to the cracks in the boarded window, she smelled nightfall.
She couldn’t see the daylight dwindling, but winter nights had a specific scent that was unmistakable – crisp and burning, it made her nostrils stick together.
“Where are you?” she whispered.
She left the storage room and went to the front door, opening it quietly so she could peek outside.
A gust of wind sent a wave of fine snow across her face.
Seraphina pulled her cloak tighter and forced herself to step out of the building, her boots crunching on the thin layer that had begun to collect.
It was freezing, but she forced herself to stand still and listen.
She hadn’t realized it before, but the storage room was a perfect choice – small enough that the little fire and their body heat would warm it tonight.
They would sleep comfortably, but why wasn’t he back?
Something must have happened. He wouldn’t abandon her.
Rune wouldn’t take her money and disappear.
Seraphina cursed herself and pulled her hood over her head.
She had to find him, even if it meant scouring the entire city in a blizzard, street by street.
She walked to the end of the alley and slipped into the next one.
As she passed a row of dilapidated houses, she sensed a bundled shape huddled in a doorway.
She raised her stick and hesitated, unsure if it was safe to approach. Then she heard a sob.
She would recognize his voice anywhere.
She ran and dropped to her knees beside him. Her hand reached for his face, but his hand shot up and caught her wrist.
“Don’t,” he said.
“I’m sorry. What happened? Are you all right?”
“I’m a coward.” His voice was thick with self-loathing. “I’m stupid.”
“No, you’re not–”
“It took me forever to get to the market. I almost didn’t buy the food because I was too scared.
Then it took even longer to come back, and I lost my way.
I couldn’t find the building anymore. All the houses look the same, in ruins, abandoned.
And then it started to snow, and I was foolish enough to look up at the sky.
I... I don’t remember what happened after. I woke up on the ground.”
He hit his head with his other hand while still holding onto Seraphina’s wrist.
“Useless. Stupid. Useless.”
She shook her head and reached for him again, but he kept her hand at a distance.
“Please don’t touch me.”
“All right.”
Her hand went limp, and when he let go, she curled her fingers into a fist and pressed it to her chest.
“I should have been able to do this one simple thing,” he said.
“It’s all right,” she said. “I found you. Nothing else matters. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let you go by yourself.”
“I did get food,” he said. “But it’s not much. Just a loaf of bread and some cheese. I didn’t know what else to get, and I’m sorry I spent your kreuzers on things that aren’t even good. The bread is hard. It’s probably old.”
A short, breathless sound escaped her, and it took Seraphina a moment to realize she was laughing. She frowned and pressed her lips together, then started pulling at his cloak, trying to get him to stand.
“Come on, let’s go. You were so close. You did good.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, sobbing again. “I’ve disappointed you. I should have done better, but I couldn’t even find you.”
“You found me today,” she said. “In the middle of a crowd. That’s all that matters. You did so good. Come on. It’s freezing out here, but it’s warm inside, and we’ll eat and talk.”
Finally, he stood and followed her to the chandler’s shop.
Seraphina could tell from the way he moved that his head was down and his shoulders hunched.
She ached for him. And she ached for how grateful she felt that he’d returned to her, that she’d found him before the frost took him, like it had taken the old man in the cell next to theirs.
Another one bites the frost.
As their footsteps echoed in the night in unison, she swore to herself that she would never let him go anywhere without her.
She’d been dumb, had taken a pointless risk, and she could’ve lost him tonight.
The fact that he was out of prison and they weren’t going to separate his head from his body was a miracle, and she’d squandered it by letting him deal with the city alone.
If Seraphina had lost Rune, it would’ve been her fault entirely. And she would’ve deserved it.
They reached the hideout, and he pulled the food out of a deep pocket.
She took it and divided it in two. The bread was stale, the cheese old and pungent, but it was edible, so they sat by the fire and ate in silence.
With her stomach no longer empty, she felt how exhausted she was.
Running from Hartmann, fighting him, then witnessing his dismemberment. ..
She still wasn’t sure how she felt about that.
But she’d witnessed so many horrors. War had raged in Europe for twelve years, and when Napoleon fell, another tyrant had risen.
Who knew when the bloodshed and gore would end?
She’d felt it on her own skin, inside her body.
.. She still felt it in her empty eye sockets. The extent of human savagery.
What Rune had done, he’d done it for her. She was going to own it.
Seraphina lay down on the floor, wrapping the too big cloak tightly around her. When she didn’t hear him move, she reached behind her and patted the empty spot.
“Back-to-back?” he asked.
“Always.”
Neither of them could sleep, though. Seraphina listened to his breathing, and she knew his thoughts were churning. Like hers. Her spine was pressed to his. Even through the thick cloaks, she could feel the heat of his body and the hard muscles in his back.
“We must leave the city,” she said, unable to keep her thoughts to herself anymore. “As soon as we can. There’s no point in staying.”
He shifted, and she thought he’d turned his head to stare at the ceiling.
“What about the academy? Your initial plan.”
“My plan was stupid. I shouldn’t have come to Ingolstadt. I should’ve gone to where they are.”
“They?”
“The men who...” She bit down on her tongue.
He nodded. “Where are they?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I heard...”
She reached up to rub at her temple, trying to put her thoughts in order.
She’d done everything backwards. She’d thought that if she went back to Kr?henstein Academy and told the resistance about what had happened to her and Matteo, and how she wanted to take revenge, Headmaster Wolff would’ve sent someone with her.
But that had been childish. He would’ve never done that.
He would’ve shoved her in a workshop – maybe hers and Matteo’s old workshop – and made her work as a shard technician to assist another weaver.
He wouldn’t have let her leave again, go on her little warpath, he would’ve asked for names instead. And she could’ve only given him one.
“Eisengrau,” she said. “Viktor Eisengrau. He used to be no one, but last I heard, he became Major Eisengrau.”
The one name she’d heard that day when they lifted her skirts and pushed themselves against her.
There had been four of them, common foot soldiers, the lowest of the low, ambushing travelers, robbing and raping, looking for relics or people of interest to bring back to their Harvester in hopes of climbing the ladder.
They’d managed, because if two years ago, the name had been Eisengrau or Viktor hissed by the other three rats to draw his attention as he was busy holding Seraphina down with her face in the mud, a month ago, when she was on a mission with the sisters of Saint Vivia’s and stopped at an inn to rest, she’d heard the name Major Eisengrau spoken with both fear and regard.
He’d last been seen at the front lines near Neuburg, commanding troops in the assault on the city. The resistance held. Rumor had it that before a new attack, he was sent away to Freising, deep into the Harvester’s territory, to take care of something of greater importance.
What could’ve been more important than breaching the walls of Neuburg, which would’ve led them to the gates of Ingolstadt and within arm’s reach of the relics held at the academy?
Hearing that name after two years of healing and fighting, and building a new life at the convent, encouraged by the sisters and Briar to leave the past behind, had.
.. untethered her. It had pulled at the invisible threads she’d used to sew her soul back together, and once she shattered into pieces again – a slab of meat discarded in a ditch with blood gushing out of her face – she hadn’t been able to recover.
She didn’t even try.
Because hearing his name had revealed the truth to her.
Healing was pointless. It was an illusion.
There was no such thing as healing, only mending to a certain degree.
Like when you broke a bone and it mended, but you felt the place tender for the rest of your life.
Seraphina had broken her clavicle when she was little, playing and rolling in bed, until she rolled too far, too fast, fell on the floor and heard a snap.
Years later, when Matteo’s beautiful, strong hands with long, skilled fingers pressed into her shoulders to release the tension after a night of shard work, Seraphina would flinch when he inched too close to her left clavicle.
A soul mended was not and would never be a soul healed.
Waiting for time to do its magic – which also seemed to be a myth – was a passive approach.
Revenge, at the very least, felt raw and real.
Something she could strive for, not wait to come around.
Seraphina had forgotten herself for a minute, but at her core, she had fire, and that fire could burn.
“Freising,” she said. “That’s where he is.”
If Eisengrau hadn’t moved on already, sent on another mission. But she didn’t say that out loud.
“Maybe all four of them are there.”
If they were still a pack.
“We’ll do what you want to do,” Rune said.
He moved, looking for a more comfortable position on the hard floor, and Seraphina caught a whiff of him. More precisely, of his clothes. Her nose wrinkled at the odor of grime and blood. She knew she smelled the same; she’d just gotten used to her own stink.
“We need clean clothes,” she said. “If we find a way through the city gate without being questioned, we need to look presentable.”
“We can wash–”
“No, we’ll steal what we need. I know a few shops, and we can choose one and hit it at night. I also need a set of daggers.” Her fingers flexed just at the thought. “There are plenty of cutlers’ shops in the city.”
“Seraphina, stealing is–”
“Faster. Tomorrow, we’ll go out together, walk the streets and choose our targets. Then tomorrow night, we get what we need.”
He let out a sigh but didn’t try to argue with her again. She could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
The man who’d torn another man from limb to limb just a few hours ago felt uncomfortable about stealing some clothes and weapons. She wasn’t going to comment on that.
“I don’t know if I can sleep,” he said.
“Why not?”
She felt him shrug.
“Is it because of what we did today?” she asked.
“No.”
“Then?”
“It’s what comes next. It’s dangerous, and... how can I protect you when I’m useless?”
“Rune. You’re not useless. Stop saying that.”
“It’s true.”
“And you don’t have to protect me. I can take care of myself. And I’ll take care of you.”
“That’s only proof of how stupid and useless I am.”
She sighed. “How about this? We’ll protect each other.”
For a minute, he didn’t say anything, and Seraphina listened to him breathe and fight with himself.
“All right.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Do you want me to sing you a lullaby?”
Seraphina felt him relax against her back, and that was when she realized how tense and rigid he’d been all this time. She didn’t wait for him to answer before she started singing.
He’d said her voice grounded him.
She was his anchor.