20
“I’m sorry.” Adam mutters after our third and final loss of the night. “Even I wish I wasn’t on my team. Damn it!”
I hand him a water from the garage fridge next to us, panting. “I really thought you could redeem yourself with impromptu pingpong.”
He chugs a bit, then wipes his mouth. “I mean, how do your parents play like that? Do they come out here and practice?”
“Yes. Regularly.”
At that, he laughs. “You guys are insane.”
“I tried to warn you!” I laugh too.
“You did. You really did.”
I shrug, “At least we didn’t have to pretend to be all over each other, no boyfriend of mine is getting any action after three losses.”
He scoffs and gets back to chugging. Once the plastic bottle collapses he puts on the cap and tosses it into a trash can across the garage.
“What about the golfer?”
“Steven?” I look up at Adam, surprised. He watches me answer. “I never brought him around for the holidays.”
“Hm.”
“What about Regina?” He frowns, I go on, “I mean, did you ever bring her around for the holidays?”
“Hell, no.” He pushes off the wall and uses the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face. I can’t help it, I look. I only catch a tiny glimpse of the masterpiece that is his washboard-like torso. I look away, hoping he didn’t see.
“She probably wouldn’t have made your poor mother choke.” I say. “Sorry again about that.”
“I told you it’s fine.” Adam sighs and then moves around me to open the fridge and grab another water. “You didn’t need to defend me like that, she’s not used to it. Hell, she’s not used to anyone talking back to my dad.”
“But why do you let him say that stuff?” I hear a replay of Leeland’s deep country-twinged voice in my head.
Can’t believe they picked you as team captain.
Not sure how you’re going to lead my company if you can’t lead your football team to pull out the W.
Better get ready for a lot of training, boy, swinging a hammer ain’t enough.
“Ugh! He’s wrong! And he’s disgusting!”
“So you said,” Adam says, almost smiling at me. “But you sure do take a lot of crap from your own family.”
“What?”
“They ride you constantly and you just take it.”
I shake my head as I finish off my own water bottle. “Huh? No they don’t.”
“Your sisters called you anal retentive, uptight, bossy, a drill sergeant, a head case and I think at least one of them whispered bitch a couple times. All before we even started the games.”
“Oh,” I wave a hand, dismissive. “I am all those things.”
“Bullshit.” Adam spits, suddenly angry. I shush him, a reflex, even though no one else is in the garage. “It bothers you. You flinch every time.” My mouth drops open, and no words come out. Because do I? Do I flinch every time? “And let me tell you what else, your mom is nice, and we all know she’s a genius, but the only person who seemed to remember all the traditions from the past years was you. You also kept the turkey from burning and reminded your dad about the errands she needed him to run.”
My face heats. “My dad gets distracted because the holidays are so busy for the business and I, well, my mom is the best, but her brain is wired for a few very specific things. She’s not a natural hostess, I just help her.”
“You help everyone. ” His voice sounds garbled when he says it and when did he get so close to me? I can feel his lungs, inhaling and exhaling, rubbing against my thin tank and sports bra. I can feel his breath, quickening just above my lips.
“Susan! It’s time for the movie!” Sally bursts through the garage door, causing Adam to jerk backwards. “Ew, were you just sharing saliva? I saw that kind of kissing on Nickelodeon and mom says it’s natural but I disagree I think it’s unnatural. I—”
“No, Sal, we weren’t.” I cut her off. “We’ll be inside in a minute.”
“One minute exactly or—”
“In a few minutes!” I almost yell.
Adam grins at the direction of the door after Sally shuts it. “She’s something else.”
“I know. Smarter than all of us combined.”
He looks back at me, “Not all of you.”
His voice has gone weird again and I force myself to ignore it. He has made it plain that we are just friends, just trying to make it through this arrangement. I can’t let the warm fuzzies of the holidays blur our lines.
Even if Adam fit right in next to my dad, talking football one minute and quarter four sales numbers the next. Even if he sat and listened to Samantha tell him about all of the drama that is being a sixth grade girl for a full twenty minutes while I helped mom plate the food. He followed along and nodded and at one point he laughed at her joke. I dropped the serving spoon and splashed mashed potatoes onto the counter.
Even if he added two more hugs to our schedule last week and he’s looking at me now with eyes that are…different.
“C’mon, winner gets to pick the movie but either way it will be a Christmas classic from before the year 00.” I head into the house assuming he’ll follow. But I don’t look back. I can’t handle what I might see on his face. I can’t afford to misread him yet again.
We sit and watch Jingle All the Way together on the end of the couch, in a tiny spot that’s left after three of my sisters take over one side. Adam puts on a good show, first putting his arm around behind me on the back of the couch. Then he puts that hand on my shoulder. Then he starts moving his fingers on my shoulder slightly, in a soft, almost thoughtless way that probably looks completely natural to anyone observing us.
But it’s not natural.
It’s burning my insides up.
So much so that I have to take off my socks at one point. I don’t know why taking off your socks cools your whole body down a good ten degrees but I’m grateful for it right now. Though it only helps a little bit. Because I’m hot in a deep, low, almost unreachable place.
Finally, the movie is over and I practically jump off the couch.
“I’ll walk you out!” I say, sounding weird. Adam gives a polite goodnight to each of my parents and sisters before following me out of the family room. I make a beeline for the front door. Once I’m out in the cool air of the porch I feel like I can almost breathe normally. Almost.
“You okay?” Adam says as he pulls the door shut behind him.
“Yeah. I’m good!”
He frowns, returning to his natural grumpy state. “You’re acting weird.”
I force a chuckle, “I am weird.”
“Will you stop?”
I laugh again, “ You call me weird! Dorky spice, remember?”
“Well, I take it back.”
“You don’t need to. I can own it. I like who I am.”
“I like who you are too.”
He inches toward me and everything inside me screams. Whether my cells are screaming in protest or rejoicing, I am not sure. All I know is that it feels like he wants to kiss me. But my feelers have been off before. And they can’t be correct right now because there’s no one here to see us.
He’s spent months making it clear we’re only acting. We’re just friends. Friends don’t kiss goodbye on the porch in the dark when no one is watching.
His hand reaches for me and I should ask. I should be clear and concise and simply ask if things have changed. If he’s changed.
Instead, I bolt.
“Okay thanks. Goodnight!”
I run up the stairs, as if he’s going to follow me back into my house. Of course, he doesn’t. That’d be odd. It’s not that late but I decide to shower and go to bed instead of watch another movie with Sadie and Samantha.
I consider texting Adam but we don’t have anything else to say. We know our plans. We have one date scheduled, a football dinner, then we will have to keep up the charade over Christmas. It’s all already planned out. So I just lay down and try to fall asleep.
I do sleep, for a while. Until my phone erupts with texts.
From Skye.
Of course my emo, wanna-be rebel, sixteen-year-old middle sister snuck out to some sketchy party. And now, at 1am she’s totally freaked and wants to come home. She fights it, but underneath she’s just as much of a people pleaser as the rest of us.
And bless her little heart, she’s crying in the bathroom, alone.
I pull up the address she sent.
“Oh crap,” I mutter at the screen. She’s in a creepy part of downtown even in broad daylight. I debate waking my dad but if I do, Skye will be crushed. She already said she knows she messed up. But there’s no way I’m going down there by myself.
I hesitate for a moment but then tap Adam’s number. If he’s asleep I’ll try Shep. If they’re both asleep I’ll just have to wake up my parents.
Susan: Are you up?
Adam: I am now, what’s wrong?
Susan: My sister. She is scared at some sketchy party and I’m afraid to go get her by myself
Adam: Where
I send him the address.
Susan: Can you come get me?
Adam: No
My stomach twists in disappointment but then another message comes through.
Adam: I’m not taking you there.
Adam: I’ll go get her and bring her to you
Susan: I want to go with you
Adam: Too bad.
Adam: Tell her I’m coming. Give me her number so I can text when I pull up.
Susan: Okay
Adam: Is she inside?
Susan: Yeah, in a bathroom.
Adam: Tell her to stay in there until I come inside and get her. She doesn’t need to come out. She stays in the bathroom.
Adam: Ok?
Susan: Ok
It takes almost an hour for him to pick her up and deliver her back to our parents house. I run out the second I hear the rumble of his truck on our street. When he parks his truck, not in front of the house but a few houses down, like a sneaky genius, Skye bursts out of the passenger side and flings herself at me.
“I’m sorry! I will never do that again! Thank you for sending him!”
“Okay, okay, shhh!” I hug her back, surprised to see her crying. The only emotion I get from her lately is mild annoyance. She’s also shaking a little bit. “Don’t thank me, thank him.” I say quietly.
“I did.” She says, then she turns to look at Adam who just rounded the front of the truck. “Thanks again.”
“No sweat.” He says.
Skye hugs me one more time and then hustles into the side door of our house.
“Thank you so much for doing that,” I say when he reaches me.
He nods. “I think she’s officially been scared straight. That place was a creepy dump. I’m so glad you texted me.”
I hug him, hard. It’s involuntary. He hugs me back, resting his cheek on my head.
“Thank you,” I say again. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Of course I did. She’s your sister.”
“You could’ve said no, I could’ve asked Shep,” I say into his wide, hard chest.
His arms tighten around me, “I don’t think I could. Say no to you.” He pulls back and shifts so that I can look up at him. “If you need something, you call me. Anytime. Every time. Okay?”
“Okay.” I say, releasing all of the tension I’d been holding since Skye’s first text woke me up. I yawn, then Adam yawns. I pull out of his arms, remembering how late it is.
“Sorry, gosh, it’s so late. Thanks again.” I wave and turn back to the house. I don’t look but I hear him climb back up into his truck and quietly shut his door. Once I’m safely inside, I hear his truck pull away.
When I climb in bed, another text lights up my phone, turning the corner of my room blue.
Adam: Just to review: if you need something you call me. Not Shep.
I smile at the screen. But I don’t reply. Because I’m afraid I’ll send him all the questions bouncing around in my head. Questions I’m not going to ask because I’ve asked them before and I didn’t like the answers he gave me. If Adam has changed his mind, he’s going to have to show me.
Actually, no.
If he’s changed his mind, he’s going to have to tell me. With words. Clear, concise, open communication.
“Yeah.” I say into my pillow as my room goes dark again. “That’s never going to happen.”