52
He strokes lines up and down my back with his fingers. I melt into the mattress, and into my feelings. I feel safe, calm, whole. I could easily fall asleep here. But I shouldn’t. I look up at him and his eyes are closed. He looks peaceful, happy.
“I forgot how nice this feels,” I say absently.
He opens his eyes and looks down at me, “I didn’t.”
I huff and look away. “Sounds like you were too busy being mad at me to remember this.”
“I was mad. And depressed and bitter. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. Didn’t miss you. Didn’t think about you all day long.” I don’t say anything back. Because I’m not sure I believe him. He clears his throat to go on.
“I never forgot anything, ever. I just didn’t show you. I remember the little spaghetti straps you wore the night I met you. Every time you ever wore spaghetti straps again our whole lives, I always thought back to that night. You walked up to the table like…like a nervous ray of sunshine.” He chuckles and I just lay still, hanging on every word. “Then you had to actually spend time with me. You were a little less sunny. Understandable with my grumpy ass. But you, man you were smart as a whip and so together. So on top of everything. So passionate. I’d never met anyone like you.
“And your damn skirts. I remember pulling up to the side of the road that day when you were stranded. You were bending over to get something out of your car. I almost crashed the truck.”
“You did not.”
“I did! Then inside you whipped your shirt off, and I thought I’d died and gone to hell.” I pull back to look up at him. “Hell, because you were supposed to be Josh’s then. My sister-in-law-to-be and well, my thoughts were not very brotherly. Then,” he smiles and looks down at me, “I caught you having some thoughts yourself.”
“What?”
“When I would haul equipment on those trips, I think I actually saw you drool at one point.”
I poke him in the side. “I did not!”
“Almost. And so after that, damn. Did I work hard on those trips. I pushed myself to the max, lifting, moving, doing whatever I could to break a sweat when you were around.”
“You did that on purpose?”
“Of course I did. No man loves physical labor that much, Suze. I dislocated my shoulder on one trip. Ray had to pop it back into place.” I gasp in shock. “Then there was all the talking. You just kept asking question after question, I’d never talked so much in my life.”
“I’m shocked,” I deadpan.
“But I liked it. I liked talking to you which made me mad because, remember, I had a whole escape plan and it didn’t include falling in love with my fiancé.” He squeezes me tight and looks back up at the ceiling. “Then the hugging. Good Lord, the hugging. How did you get to be such a good hugger?”
“Me?” I laugh. “You’re the hugger!”
He smiles, “I am a stoic, manly, grizzly bear. You are the one who is the amazing hugger.”
“Uh huh, if you say so.”
“You started letting me kiss you, even though we both knew no one was around. I was so hopeful after that. And I would stay up late at night finding you those songs I sent, thinking of things to text you.”
“You texted me like two words!”
He shrugs under me. “And that took all my brain cells. I never claimed to be a smart guy.”
I laugh and he squeezes me closer into his side.
“I was kind of disappointed at the wedding.” I snort and he corrects me. “No, not disappointed to be getting married. I already told you I tricked you into marrying me, remember? I mean about the first dance.”
“Huh?” I squeak.
“We have a song, Susan. That weird Proclaimers song.” I just wait for him to elaborate. He does. “You know about going five hundred miles to be with you? It was on the playlist I made and you used to sing it so loud. You loved that song.”
“That doesn’t make it our song.”
“The words, though. I would’ve walked five hundred miles if you needed me to. I still would.”
I look away from his face, which has gone serious. My heart is racing and my eyes sting. Because I know what he’s saying is true.
He would.
I think back to all the events and appearances. To how he took care of everything when Mom died, when my dad was in the hospital, when Sally was shot.
“I know it wasn’t enough, you needed more, but I just didn’t know what more to do, how best to help you. And then, as life went on, you didn’t need my help anymore.” His voice has gone scratchy. “You managed our whole life, every detail, you made all the systems and plans and hey, I’m not complaining, you’re a genius at it. But I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t know what you needed.”
I sniff. “I needed words.” I feel him look down at me but I don’t meet his gaze. “That’s what happened with Bobby.” His whole body tenses under me but I go on. “He just…he showered me with praises. All the time. I was never attracted to him, I never confided in him or connected with him beyond a professional capacity. I really didn’t.”
“I believe you,” he whispers.
“Still, I didn’t mind you know? I didn’t mind that he lingered too long, that he followed me around and worshiped the ground I walked on. Everyone else in my life was telling me I was just a nag, a checklist czar, uptight, annoying…I enjoyed his words. You’d gone completely silent then. I mean literally. There were days you didn’t say a single word to me. Still, it was wrong of me, to let it get so far with him.”
I wait to see what he’ll say, and for a couple minutes he just thinks.
“I went to his house.” Adam surprises me when he grunts his admission.
“You what?”
He sighs, “I was going to beat him to a pulp. I’d read the HR reports. Your dad caught wind of how I was acting strange and didn’t show up for work. He called me off.”
“You…you didn’t even seem mad.”
He sneers, “I was mad, Susan. I just wanted to make sure you were okay first, you were so worried. You looked like you were on the edge of a panic attack. And I would’ve taken all my rage out on you if I’d tried to talk about it. So I just stewed. Until your dad talked me off the ledge.”
“Wow,” I say.
“You didn’t think I’d be mad? I’m still mad. Someone else put their hands on you. Their mouth on you. I’ll be pissed about that asshole until I die.”
Someone else.
At that moment, I hear my phone buzz.
It’s probably Dad or Loretta but it could be the app. It could be Pearce, checking in again like he did a few hours ago.
Pearce, who I’m supposed to have breakfast with the day after tomorrow.
And here I am, snuggling post-orgasm with my ex-husband.
Again, what the actual hell are you doing, Suze?
“I should go.” I sit up.
“Oh. Alright.” He lets me get up but I can hear his disappointment. He follows me to his door. “I probably won’t see you until the flight home tomorrow afternoon.”
“Okay,” I say.
“I’ll walk you to your door,” he jokes.
“How chivalrous.” I joke back.
At my door I turn to say bye but he grabs me, pulling me into his chest, hard. I melt into him because I can’t help it. Then he kisses my forehead and lets me go.
“Quit trying to seduce me with your magic hugs, woman,” he teases but his nose is red and his eyes are glassy. I have to look away. “See you tomorrow.”
I nod and flee into my room before I do something stupid like grab his face and kiss his tears away and strip naked and beg him to bend me over and have his way with me.
Susan!
I need to sleep.
Actually, I need a cold shower.
And then I need to go to sleep.
I need to rest up so I’m strong enough to face whatever Adam has planned for us on the trip home.