55
My head starts shaking violently as I back away from him, “No, I tested you! I sent a message and you didn’t pull out your phone!”
“Matt,” he answers simply.
“Matt…Matt like my brother-in-law M att?” My stomach flips.“I was texting with—”
“No! No, he only sent some canned responses or questions that we had in place for when I was with you.”
“We?”
“Ugh, I’m not explaining this well.”
“Start explaining it well!” I can’t help yelling.
“Okay, come sit,” he pulls me down into the dining chair and drags another one from around the table to sit beside me. “Emerson told—” My eyes go wide. How many people knew about this?! “Wait. Your sisters don’t know. Any of this. Only Shep and Matt know about the profile.” I relax the tiniest bit.
He goes on, “Emerson overheard you girls a while back when you decided to get on the apps. And I, well for months I’d been planning this, showing you this place, explaining everything. But I didn’t realize I was going too slowly. So I enlisted Matt to help me because he knows everybody.” My mind is spinning with confusion, overwhelm, anger. He studies me, gulps and keeps going.
“Including the owner of the lover app. Or L-V-R, however you say the stupid thing. Matt just asked if we could, uh, prank his sister.”
“What?”
“Yeah, kind of shady, the dude just let us have access to your account and made sure that you only matched with one person. Me.” My head starts its compulsive shaking again. “Hey, you said you tested me, which means you knew! Deep down you knew it was me.”
“You sent me photos of food!”
“I sent you photos of tables.”
“You invaded my privacy!”
“I You’ve Got Mail ed You.”
I stand up, sick to my stomach all over again. “This is insane!”
He stands too. “It’s romantic?”
“But why? You could just, you know, talk to me? Text me as yourself?”
He winces, “I needed a little more time to figure out my plan to get you back. This place was a wreck and I needed to figure out how to explain it all, what to say.”
“Your ‘practicing’?” I sneer with air quotes.
“Yes, with Shep, believe it or not.”
With Shep?
I freeze, not even able to blink for a second.
“You practiced talking to me.”
“Yes.”
“With Shep Riggs?”
“Yes. He and Sadie have gone to a lot of therapy. He was…surprisingly helpful.”
“But that doesn’t mean you needed a whole fake persona?”
“I know but, I wasn’t, I—” he stammers.
“What?…You weren’t what?”
“I wasn’t sure…I was afraid you wouldn’t want anything less than the international CEO.” I huff out a shocked breath. “I wasn’t sure you’d want just…me.”
“But…but it wasn’t you. You lied, so many times,” I start.
“Only by omission. Even that day at lunch, there was a fire here at the shop.” He cuts me off. I look around for evidence. “It was small and fine. But it did happen.”
“Omission. You’re going to try and correct me on a technicality? ” My blood is really starting to boil now. “This is one big pile of lies, Adam!”
“Not a big pile. Just the app.”
I clench my jaw and ask through my teeth. “What about the other apps? I was on that other one too.” He breaks eye contact. “Adam?”
“I mean Matt is like a friendly, smooth kind of Elon Musk okay? He is friends with everybody, you never matched with anyone on that one either.”
“You’re insane!” I get up and start pacing wildly. “My life is insane. What a mess. What a SHITSHOW!”
“Hey,” he tries.
I turn on him, hands up. “Stay back! You’re crazy!”
“You came to meet me this morning. You picked me!”
“I picked hearing you out before going on my date. Which, wow, doesn’t even exist because you are insane!”
“More like possessive.” That shuts me right up. “You think I’m going to just let you fall in love with someone else? Some nice guy? Over my dead body.”
I frown even deeper. “You apologized for trapping me and then you trapped me again? How does that make any sense?”
“I know, and it doesn’t. You make me crazy, okay? And I’m sorry for before but I don’t apologize for this time.”
“What!” I scream. My eyes go to one of the smaller side tables. “I want to pick this up and throw it at you but it’s too beautiful!”
“Thank you?” he grins.
“Don’t you dare grin! You’re grinning?! Oh I hate you. I hate you!”
“You don’t. That’s why I’m not sorry about this time. You love me.”
“I don’t!”
“You do, you still love the crap out of me and you think this is romantic even if it is a little crazy because you wanted me to fight for you and I did. I didn’t fight fair but I fought. And I’m going to keep fighting.”
My head shaking is back, probably contributing to the dizziness and nausea. “You said you were going to be supportive, let me go.”
“If you didn’t love me anymore, I would.”
I’ve had it with this.
“Love isn’t enough!” My voice breaks as I yell the words. The conversation changes. In an instant, the almost-fun fighting back and forth is over. All the air leaves Adam’s lungs.
He barely whispers, “You don’t mean that.”
“I…I don’t know anymore,” I say. Everything is spinning, my thoughts, my feelings, the room. He inches toward me but I put up my hands. “No, I need some time. I need to think. I can’t believe you did this. I feel stupid and humiliated and just…stupid!”
“I promise you Matt didn’t see our conversations. And you’re not stupid, you even suspected it was me. I…I know it’s nuts but I hoped you would feel…wanted. I want you back, I want you with me, I want you all to myself.”
“I want to get out of here, I can’t breathe,” I say, starting to panic and needing a deep breath of air that isn’t filled with shavings and wood stain and Adam.
“Okay, we can go outside—”
“Not we.”
“Suzie, baby, please—”
I make quick work of grabbing my purse and crossing toward the door. “Don’t,” I call behind me as I practically run to my car. I climb in, jam the start button and struggle to grab my seat belt with my trembling hands. As soon as the car is in gear I fly out of the little parking area and down the street. I make a few turns, not caring where I’m going. Then the tears get to be too much to see through, so I pull over.
All the hope I had drains down my face in mascara-stained rivulets. Hope for maybe a new start, a new chapter with Pearce or, if not him, maybe someone else. That hope morphed over the last week or two into hope for starting a new chapter, but with Adam.
Sure, he said so much of what I have longed to hear for years. So many beautiful words but again, they’re built on lies. Even if he was trying to be romantic, in a very unhinged way, isn’t it all just too late? I’m so tired. Of all of it.
How could I not see he was manipulating me? And not in a small way. And not for the first time! How can I trust my feelings? How can I know if I truly love him or I just…never had another choice? He trapped me. Twice.
But…because he loved me?
I mean, what?
I start to laugh hysterically through my tears.
“What even is my life right now?!” I say to the ceiling. “What is this, Gossip Girl? This is toxic and stupid. I can’t…I’m…I’m going to work,” I mutter to myself. I check the mirror before pulling the car back out into traffic. The Morticia Addams woman reflecting back startles me.
Okay, first I’m going home.
Then I’m going to work.
Then, I’m calling my sisters.
Actually.
For the first time in my life, I’m taking an unplanned personal day.
I pick up my phone and pull up the group text.
Susan: 911
I start to put my phone down but then I realize I need to clarify.
Susan: I mean, no one is hurt or dead. Except maybe my heart. But I need you all. ASAP.
_____
“I didn’t mean you had to scramble the jets!” I say when Samantha and Skye arrive at my door.
“Scramble? Ha! We’re not the Air Force, Suze,” Skye says as she hugs me.
“With the company plane and the Clark’s jet and the DeLane's jet and Matt’s tech friends and Nate’s former military contacts, we have so many planes at our disposal these days, we might as well be,” Sam laughs. “Man, I love our life!”
Skye glares at her. “Reeeally making a case for why normal people hate rich people right now, Sam.”
“I reject the premise. We are still normal!” she replies as they ditch their shoes and jackets in my entryway.
“That yellow diamond Emerson bought you is the price of a car.”
“What kind of c—”
“Yes, yes, we are completely gross and privileged and ridiculous but can we focus on Susan, please?” Sadie calls to them as she does the put the newborn to sleep dance in my living room. She really gets into the sway-and-squat motion so that she can log it as a mini-workout.
“Awww you brought the nugget!” Sam rushes to greet our new nephew.
“Again,” I sniff, my eyes burning with gratitude. “You all didn’t have to physically come up here.”
“Of course we did,” Sadie replies.
“You’re not one to throw around the 9-1-1, Suze,” Skye agrees as she sits on the couch.
Sally responds from my fridge, “I’m here for the food. Nate’s gone on a job and I’m prepping for a test. I am surviving on vegan protein bars.”
All of us grimace and then I tell her, “I’m not sure what vegetarian options I have in the fridge but I know there are marinated salmon filets in the fr—” She heads out to the deep freezer in the garage before I can finish my sentence.
“We’ll have to FaceTime Kat, she had just gotten a semi truck of products delivered at the shop when you texted.”
“Okay,” I say.
“On it!” Sam pulls out her phone. A moment later we hear the call go through.
“Hey, look what the cat dragged into my little hillbilly haven!” Kat says, pulling the phone away to show herself and our friend Janie.
“Janie?” Skye frowns. “What are you doing in Arkansas?”
“I made her come help me with the shop,” Kat answers quickly.
Skye is bothered. “You left New York without telling me?”
My other sisters and I look around with confused, awkward expressions. Skye and Janie have been best friends in New York for years. Janie is also close with Kat and Sally, as they’re all younger and, until recently, all single. She’s become a dear friend to all of us. But there’s definitely something weird going on with her. Kat cuts us off before we can ask any questions.
“Yes she did. Because I made her come out, spur of the moment. And we’ve got about thirty-three minutes before another supplier shows. So, Susan, you’re up!”
I nod and stand, then sit, then stand again. I try and figure out where to start. What a mess.
“Well, this morning I was supposed to meet Pearce for breakfast.”
“Yes, was it him? I have been dying to ask but Skye told me to wait and just be cool!” Sam jumps up and down on the couch.
“Spoiler alert: she cannot just be cool.” Skye deadpans. Everyone chuckles, including Kat.
“Wait,” I look at the phone, “Does Janie know about Pearce?”
“Yes, I filled her in since you’d already told her about the arranged marriage and the secret divorce.”
“Right,” I nod. “Okay, well,” I look at Samantha who is literally on the edge of her seat. “No, it was not Pearce.”
“Knew it,” Sally says from the kitchen. We all look at her. She shrugs. “The odds were too low. You were projecting your hopes and biases on the guy.”
I sneer, “You got that right.”
“So? Who was it?” Sadie is almost as excited as Sam.
“It…” my stomach roils all over again. “It was Adam.”
There is a beat of silence and then, as expected, an eruption of reactions.
“Wait, wait,” Skye settles everyone. “Did he know it was you?”
“Yes.” They digest the information, starting to collectively wince. “It gets worse. He and Matt hacked the apps so I would only match with him.”
“Matt…James?” Janie finally says.
“My Matt? Matthew? Matthew did that?” Skye gapes.
I raise a hand, hoping to slow the snowball of negative emotions building inside her, “Well, he connected Adam to his founder friends I guess. Said it was a prank.”
“So, Adam made sure that the only person you could match with was him?” Sam says, little hearts and stars forming in her eyes already.
“Wait, how did he even know?” Sadie asks. I level a glare at her. She nods in realization. “Shep.”
“And Emerson,” I add. “It sounded like all the guys knew about Adam’s grand plan to get me back. I’m not sure.”
“I am.” Sally says. “I was talking about how weird Adam’s absence from everything has been and Nate said he was sure Adam would fix it. He barely even knows Adam. I suspected they’d all talked about you with him.”
“Shep does love a grand gesture, he probably helped with the trip this week,” Sadie says, staring off into space as she talks.
“He helped with more than that,” I huff out, still in shock.
“What does that mean?” Skye asks me.
“Apparently Adam has been practicing how to talk about his feelings.” Murmurs of surprise ripple all around my living room. “With Shep.”
Kat responds first, “You’re shittin’ me.”
I put a hand to my pounding head, “I shit you not.”
“Shep is a pretty good communicator these days,” Sadie says, still sounding dazed.
“And? What did he say?” Sam can’t help herself. She’s smiling and buzzing with hope.
I sit down. “So much. A lot of what I would’ve given anything to hear, the last decade. And some…surprises.” They wait. I get up, and I fill in some of the blanks.
I pace and rant.
I tell more details about the trip and his confessions. I tell them that he lied about the loophole. Trapped me in our marriage. Hated his work, his daily life. I cry through the parts about Mom’s death and my resulting hyper fixation on planning and organizing.
I regain some composure after I get through Lance’s death and Adam’s failed dreams. By the time I get to the new workshop and new business and how—Surprise! It wasn’t a taco truck! He’s built a whole new life! And look, he has an Instagram now!— my scattered emotions merge into fresh, hot, anger.
I sit and finish, “So, I’m a big, gullible idiot and he trapped me. Again.”
Everyone is frozen, processing, except Janie.
“That is really some next level billionaire bullshit.” Kat’s eyes go wide next to her on the screen. Janie looks at Kat and shrugs as she continues, “What? It is. An arranged marriage is weird enough. Then he hijacks her trip with a private plane, jets her all over the place to just take kitschy little selfies, hacks into one of the most popular dating apps in the United States and forms another secret business that is already somehow super successful. Your life is insane!”
“I think it’s romantic,” Sam defends Adam in response to Janie’s accusatory, almost disgusted tone.
“I think it’s hot,” Sally says. “I mean, only if I picture all this happening with someone other than you and other than Adam, of course. He went all dark and possessive and stalkery. Hot.”
Sadie shakes her head at our younger, mafia-romance-obsessed sister, “I am going to ask Lorelai to retire.”
“Don’t you dare!” Sally almost raises her voice. Lori Kent is a famous dark romance writer, Sadie’s good friend and Sally’s favorite author. We really shouldn’t have been so surprised last year when Sally ended up falling in love with her tattooed, bad boy bodyguard.
“I don’t know what to think.” Skye locks eyes with me. “I remember how terrible it felt to find out about Matthew’s identity, and he wasn’t manipulating me on purpose. I’m not sure I’m on board with this.”
“Yes! The manipulation!” I stand again. “I mean, how can I know if I really love Adam or if he’s just all I’ve ever known. All I’ve ever known because he made sure of it!”
“Nah, there have got to be many loveless arranged marriages in your world,” Janie says, her voice softer now. “Just because you are stuck with someone doesn’t mean you automatically love them.”
“Plus, you told us you loved him before, you wanted the marriage to happen, remember?” Sam’s voice is pleading with me.
“Calm down the Team Adam vibes, Sam,” Skye scolds her.
“It’s fine, she’s right, I did. But now I feel like the foundation from years ago has been pulled out from under me. I don’t know anything anymore. But I know you all love Adam.”
Skye stands up. “Let’s get one thing straight.” Everyone braces themselves, including me. Skye is insightful and smart but her bedside manner is awful. “We are on Team Susan.” She looks around at each woman and the phone, her eyes a bit wild. “WE are on Team Susan. One hundred percent, no question, ride or die forever. Who cares if it was romantic or if he’s a changed man or if we love him or any of it. Susan, you’re being sisterventioned. For once in your life forget about everyone else! Forget about Adam! Forget about your marriage and your kids and the business and the family. Think about you. You tell us what you want. What you need.”
I sniff and I’m not the only one. All the girls are nodding and sitting a little straighter. Skye isn’t finished.
“You want us to slash his tires? Sabotage his Instagram account? You want us to watch the boys so you can go on a solo vacation and not think about any of us for a few days? Tell us. We’re here for you, Mama Bear. You.”
It’s the mama bear that does it. I start to sob and all four girls get up and hug me, hard. “No one is slashing anyone’s tires,” I manage to say. We all laugh through our tears. The baby stirs in Sadie’s carrier and we separate. They all study me.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know what I want or what I need.”
“Then you take the time to figure it out,” Skye shrugs. “He just dropped a bunch of information bombs on you. You need to process and recover.”
“Agreed,” Janie says from the phone.
Skye turns on her, “Don’t even think we’re not going to address whatever weirdness is going on with you sometime soon.”
“Skye is right. Also, you probably need to just detach for a while. Want to take a bubble bath and just read? Or maybe a long nap?” Sadie asks. “We can get the boys.”
I smile, seeing everyone piled in my living room like this. “I know what I want to do.”
“Please say ‘watch Cool Runnings,' ” Sam whispers loudly.
I laugh, “Not Cool Runnings. But a movie. A new, good, funny movie please.”
Sadie grabs the remote and Sam starts giving movie commentary as she scrolls. Skye hops up to get drinks and Sally starts digging for popcorn. Kat and Janie say their goodbyes and I promise to keep them updated. Then, I sit.
I sit and for the first time in a long time, I do nothing. I don’t think or plan.
Loretta picks up the boys and takes them to Dad’s. My sisters ply me with wine and snacks. They order in dinner. Then dessert. I continue to sit.
It’s absolutely wonderful.
Eventually, though, they have to go home.
And I have to deal with my reality.
I pick up my phone. First, I delete all the dating apps from my phone. Next, I text Adam that I need space and I’ll call him when I’m ready.
Immediately I put my phone on airplane mode, since I have the old school landline if Dad needs me overnight. I lay down and will myself to go to sleep. But I don’t sleep much. Because I know I’ll wake up to at least one message, probably many messages.
Still, I don’t have to react or reply, no matter what new, or old or terrible or painfully wonderful things Adam has to say come morning.