Chapter Twenty-Four
G abriel should be proud ; he’d achieved a lot, with Liam and Jem’s help. The banker would have no reason to complain. Renwood Hall was restored to its old glory, more or less on budget. Bookings for weddings were already flooding in even though the website had only gone live a week ago.
But instead of being jubilant, Gabriel was dejected and empty. By rights, he should be celebrating with Delia now. After all, she’d been deeply enmeshed in the project. Maybe he was exhausted and not relishing the fact he’d have to serve some made-up divorce story to Brady-Greene in a moment.
When the banker’s car roared up the gravel driveway, Gabriel made his way downstairs to welcome him in.
“Your ancestral home is a gem, Lord Renwood. Congratulations on achieving the near impossible.” Alistair Brady-Greene beamed, and Gabriel forced a responding smile.
He’d given the bank manager the grand tour of the big house, explaining the completed renovation works, before presenting him with the financial projections for the next two years in his office.
“Thank you for your support, Mr. Brady-Greene,” Gabriel said. “It wouldn’t have been possible without your willingness to take a chance on me.”
The older man puffed out is chest. “I’m delighted to have been able to do my part in the effort to keep this magnificent building in the family.”
Now was the time to bring it up. Before Brady-Greene mentioned his supposed church wedding to Delia in the newly restored chapel.
Gabriel cleared his throat and straightened in his chair.
“I’m...ah...my business affairs are indeed improving, but I’m afraid my personal life has undergone a significant upheaval. ”
The banker watched him with concern, and guilt washed over Gabriel.
To hell with it, he wouldn’t lie to him again, whatever the consequences.
He’d beg him to keep John Winter out of it once he was done.
He owed it to Vanessa too. It was important to her to one day become the first, the only, seventh Countess of Renwood.
“You may have noticed I’m not wearing my wedding ring, and Delia’s portrait is missing from the gallery.
” He took a deep breath and averted his gaze from Brady-Greene’s somber expression.
“The truth is, we were never married. We lied, I asked her to, in order to save Renwood Hall, because I was convinced you’d never give me the loan otherwise. ”
The older man remained silent for a few moments. When he spoke again his voice was not angry, merely sad. “But my wife and I, we witnessed how much you two adored one another. Impossible to believe...”
Gabriel bent his head and clasped his hands in his lap. “I loved her, I truly did. To be honest, deep down, I must have hoped the whole pretense would become real if I wished it hard enough. But she, well, it wasn’t a wish she shared.”
Why was he even saying this? Why was he baring his soul to a man who was essentially a business partner and nothing more? High time he went to see that psychologist.
Mr. Brady-Greene put a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “This is a terrible blow indeed.”
Gabriel lifted his head to face the other man fully. “I’m truly sorry, Mr. Brady-Greene, I shouldn’t have lied to you and your wife. It was awful to deceive you, and there’s no excuse for my behavior.”
“Of course, it’s never pleasant to be lied to with such conviction, but you did achieve what you set out to do.
You were honest to a fault in your business dealings with me and the bank, and that is what counts.
On a personal level, what concerns me more is the pain you have brought upon yourself with this charade.
It seems to me you would have married her in a heartbeat. ”
Gabriel winced. God knew he would have. He didn’t deserve this man’s graciousness, but he had another urgent request. “If I could ask one more thing of you, please don’t mention any of this to Professor John Winter?
I would like to give Delia the chance to deal with the matter in a way she sees fit. ”
“Not to worry, I will only tell my wife.” The bank manager frowned. “I’m not eager to share this sad news with anyone else.” He stood and stretched his hand out. “Lord Renwood, I’m looking forward to seeing your business thrive.”
Gabriel clasped the offered hand. “Thank you, and please give my regards to Mrs. Brady-Greene.”
~ * ~
G abriel rang the bell below the shiny brass sign that read “C. Miller, UKCP psychotherapist” and was buzzed in.
He ascended the stairs with a coldness in the pit of his stomach.
This was his second session with Mr. Miller, and he wasn’t looking forward to it.
In fact, it was a mystery to him why Evelyn had recommended this particular colleague of hers.
Where she was warm, caring, and encouraging, this man was aloof and mostly silent, only occasionally urging him on to continue with his life story.
Until now, Gabriel had babbled like a fool in front of a disapproving judge.
He would make a decision today. If things didn’t improve, he’d try to find somebody else, recommendation yes or no.
In hindsight, he should have been suspicious of a psychotherapist who had no waiting list to speak of.
On entering the consultation room, Mr. Miller gave him a curt greeting before motioning for him to sit on the smooth leather couch in the impersonally furnished room.
Again, the therapist sat opposite him, his gaze averted.
Gabriel was being dissected like frog while he poured out his heart to this stranger.
Anger rose in him at the lack of empathy he was being treated with. He mightn’t be the man, who had suffered most in the history of mankind, but he was pretty certain a counsellor shouldn’t be openly disapproving.
But before he could put his plan into action and leave the room, never to return, Christian Miller crossed one leg over the other and faced Gabriel. The sudden movement startled him, and he couldn’t think of anything to say.
Which was no problem since Mr. Miller had decided to do the talking. “I suppose it’s time to cut to the chase, Mr. Kirwan. You had feelings for her from the beginning?”
Gabriel swallowed, unsettled by the sharp, confrontational tone. “I wasn’t aware of it, I mean, I was attracted to her naturally. She’s beautiful, witty, and good company...”
“But you didn’t fall in love because...?” the therapist asked.
Gabriel clenched his hands, and a knuckle cracked. “I suppose she made it clear she was more detached and not interested in anything romantic. Sub-consciously, I must have suppressed any yearning for emotion and interpreted it as simple lust.”
“Then, what changed?”
Searing heat rose in Gabriel’s face. “We, erm, made a pact to try for a baby and co-parent the child because she wanted to be a mother but did not believe in committed relationships.”
Christian Miller raised one eyebrow. “And you went along with it?”
“Yes.” Gabriel drew in a deep breath. “Yes, because I also wanted to be a father. She wasn’t offering a romantic relationship, so I was willing to enter into this alternative arrangement.” On reflection, it was painfully clear that he’d snapped up every morsel she’d been willing to give him.
“And still no feelings?” The therapist eyeballed him with barely concealed derision.
Gabriel’s jaw tightened. “At first, we were quite clinical about it. I provided her with a sperm sample, and she did the rest herself. But after two failed attempts, we fell to...well...erm, trying to get pregnant the conventional way. That’s when I realized I’d fallen in love.”
“Even though she’d warned you.” Mr. Miller pursed his lips.
Gabriel lifted his chin. “Let’s just say, I wasn’t as invested in the idea that romantic love always ends in tears because I’m the product of a happy marriage.”
Cynicism wasn’t the only valid worldview. Deep and lasting affection between partners was as much a reality of life as conflict and eventual indifference.
The therapist scribbled something into his notebook. “And so, you came to believe you could heal her with your love, but that backfired.”
Gabriel bit his lower lip and hung his head. “I suppose so, yes. Not consciously, but yes.”
He sounded foolish even to himself. Relating the story to a stranger made it clear to him that he had tried to change her mind from the word go.
He’d wanted her to be his love not just his lover, not just the mother of his child but also his partner.
From the very moment he’d hung her portrait next to his, he’d wanted her to belong there.
It was glaringly obvious and pathetic. He didn’t mention that he had persuaded Delia to pretend to be his wife because he was afraid Christian Miller would deem him too stupid to live.
“So, in summary, Mr. Kirwan, you’ve fallen for a woman with a bona fide attachment disorder at a vulnerable time in your life.” The therapist tapped his notebook with his pen. “And now you’re going to become parents together.”
“That’s it, pretty much, yes,” Gabriel said.
“I know you have been recently bereaved, but if we momentarily put the tragedy of losing one’s parents at a comparatively young age to one side and, instead, view the formative experiences of both you and the young lady you were involved with.
” Mr. Miller fixed his gaze on a spot on the wall behind Gabriel.
“We may compare your childhood to a stroll through a sunlit park, whereas hers, from what you have told me, seems to have been more like a walk through a minefield. Can you imagine how that might shape a person? One’s ability to give and receive love is not merely a character trait one is born with, but to a large extent, the direct result of the positive and reassuring experiences one had while growing up. ”
Gabriel was stunned into silence. He had the distinct feeling if he mentioned that sometimes his parents had been benignly aloof, Christian Miller would lose his rag with him for being a whiny, spoiled, posh boy.