Thirsty
From: grose@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Subject: My In-Laws Are Neglecting Our Baby
Dear Crone,
My husband and I are proud parents to the sweetest, most adorable fur baby—he’s half doodle, half pug, and all heart.
There were some tough moments early on with sleep training and behavior issues, but he’s thriving now.
Part of that is the loving relationship he has with our entire extended family, including my in-laws.
They love seeing photos and videos of him, and they were always happy to play with him when they came to visit.
That all changed a few months ago, when my husband’s sister got a familiar to help with her witchcraft.
Ever since then our beautiful pup may as well be dead to my in-laws.
They talk our ears off about how my SIL’s familiar can enter the void and levitate toy mice, and how cute it is when she cleans her whiskers, without ever seeming to notice that they never ask about our sweet boy anymore.
They haven’t even asked to see a picture of him in over a week!
I’m sick of the favoritism. How do I explain to my in-laws that they can’t love one grandchild more than another?
Sincerely,
Furious Fur Mama
From: 44cyan@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Date: April 23, 1:06 AM
Subject: Didn’t Age Well
Dear Crone,
I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the last few months, but I recently learned something about her personal history that horrifies me.
We’re both physically in our twenties, but she is a vampire who was turned in the early ’80s, and recently, when we got to talking about old times, she revealed that she voted for Reagan.
Crone, I’m appalled. We’re queer women, and I’m stunned—no, sickened—that she could have voted for Reagan when his policies devastated the queer community (not to mention THE RACISM).
I’d been so happy in this relationship up until now, but this feels like a major red flag.
Am I asking for too much from a partner?
Or am I just going to have to accept the fact that, if I stay in this relationship, I’m effectively dating a baby boomer?
Sincerely,
My GF is Problematic
Wise Old Crone
How Do I Impress a Banshee?
I don’t want to blow this for my son.
May 19
Dear Wise Old Crone,
My only son is bringing a girl home next month.
We’re all very excited because he’s quite shy and hasn’t dated a lot; but he’s been so happy ever since he started this relationship, and we’re thrilled for him.
Because of all that, their visit feels very high-stakes—we really want his new girlfriend to feel welcome in our home!
But I’m terribly nervous because his girlfriend is a banshee, and I don’t know what that means for our hosting her.
Do we need to prepare in any particular way?
What should I expect? I’m so nervous that I’m going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing while she’s here, and somehow make her feel unwelcome.
The last thing I want is to mess up my son’s relationship, or, even worse, cause a rift between us!
What can I do to prepare and set my mind at ease?
Sincerely,
Harried Hostess
Dear Hostess,
First, breathe—plenty of relationships have weathered awkward first meetings between partner and parents. Even if everything does go comically wrong during this visit, I’m sure your relationship with your son will survive. Bad first impressions are just that—the beginning of something, not the end.
That being said, the Crone understands why you’re feeling so nervous.
Many supernatural communities are quite insular, and it can be difficult from the outside to determine what’s fact and what’s rumor, especially when those rumors have been parlayed through thousands of years of Celtic folklore.
Why not cut through all that by asking your son if there’s anything you can do to prepare for their stay?
It doesn’t have to be about his girlfriend’s mystical roots—you could just check in and see if there are any snacks he’d like you to have on hand, and let him volunteer if any more specific preparations are needed.
Then, during their visit, just try to remember that you’re getting to know your son’s girlfriend, not a creature of legend.
You don’t need to be prepared with a list of questions about her connection to the underworld of spirits (indeed, that could make her feel awkward or nervous).
Instead, ask her to tell you how she and your son met, and about what interests they share.
Remember that supernatural creatures are, well, people—maybe not humans, but people nonetheless, with foibles and quirks and shows they’re binging, just like all of us.
The point of this visit is to learn more about the woman who means so much to your son. If you focus on that, this old hag believes you’ll avoid any portents of doom.
Sincerely,
Crone