Thirsty
From: lvstrom@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Subject: Ghost in the Slack
Dear Wise Old Crone,
I think my workplace Slack is haunted. No one in the company has died recently, but for the last few months this weird, unclaimed profile has been showing up in our channels, sending all-caps messages and then vanishing.
Sometimes the messages are just nonsense or warmed-over dril tweets, but sometimes they make the screen flash brightly, causing us to fall unconscious and wake up covered in blood or .
. . worse. Also, the ghost profile seems to have access to our private DMs, because sometimes he’ll show up during all-team meetings and start spreading gossip that he couldn’t possibly know otherwise.
But lately he’s been talking a lot about pay disparities, and I think he’s trying to unionize everyone.
How can we stop corporate from exorcising him?
Sincerely,
Don’t Salt and Burn
From: pbailey@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Date: April 30, 10:03 AM
Subject: “Faked” Allergy
Dear Crone,
My girlfriend “Alex” is a faerie, and as you may know, faeries are allergic to honey.
(Apparently this dates back to some kind of long-standing feud between faeries and bees, but honestly I kind of zone out anytime Alex starts talking about her ancestral backstory.) My mom does not believe that Alex is actually allergic to honey.
She keeps slipping it into everything she cooks for us when we come to visit, I guess in an attempt to “prove” that Alex is just making up her allergy, for attention or whatever?
So far this hasn’t caused any harm, because Alex can smell it before she eats anything, so she just puts down whatever my mom’s been expectantly waiting for her to eat, and the worst that’s happened is some awkwardness at the dinner table and a fight on the drive home.
But a few weeks ago I learned that my family on my mother’s side is descended from this ancient druidic cult that worshipped bees, and when I told Alex about this, her fangs emerged and her skin turned hard and brittle, like one of those beaches made of rocks instead of sand. What can I do to mediate this conflict?
Sincerely,
Honey for my Honey
Wise Old Crone
Should I Cross Dimensions for a Fling?
My friends think I’m crazy (or possessed).
May 26
Dear Crone,
Years ago I hooked up with this demon at a festival. Time of my life, etc., but the guy was literally between dimensions and we figured we’d never see each other again.
Well we randomly became twitter mutuals lol.
We started DMing, and now it’s been over a year of us flirting and—I think—falling back in love, but all over text!
We’re never in the same dimension so we’ve never had a chance to meet up, but the other day he said he wants to.
Actually, he said he wants to perform the ritual that allows humans to vibrate on the demonic dimensional frequency, because he asked me to come traveling with him.
Crone, this guy wants me to leave my whole life behind for him, and I’m .
. . kind of into it? Am I crazy to want to leave the human world behind and travel with him through the void?
I’m finally at a good place in my career, and my friends and family all think I’m crazy for even considering it—but it sounds fun.
Sincerely,
Portal Hopping
Dear Hopper,
Go for it.
—Crone