Thirsty
From: shellmer@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Subject: Next Week on Mad Men
Dear Crone,
My partner and I have been together for six years and it’s going really well—I love him deeply, and he really understands me.
He has one bad habit though that’s driving me crazy: as a psychic, he always knows what’s going to happen on every single show we watch together, and he keeps spoiling them for me!
He claims it’s because it’s hard to distinguish between what he’s actually seen and what he sees when the muse visits him, but I’m sick of having every great plot point on all of our shows ruined! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Foretold Fights
From: lewisknef@
To: wiseoldcrone@
Date: May 6, 4:12 PM
Subject: Penne a la Regret
Dear Wise Old Crone,
My roommate is part of a hive of magical interconnected spores stretching across the entire continent.
He’s polite and a great roommate, and I can see us being friends.
Or at least, I could—but last night I got super drunk and accidentally ordered this pasta dish from my favorite Italian restaurant down the street, and I got it with mushrooms. Now he’s not talking to me, and I feel awful.
The kitchen is like a crime scene. How can I apologize?
Sincerely,
Fungi Faux Pas
Wise Old Crone
Am I Wild Enough to Date a Wolf?
Who could ever learn to love a bookworm?
June 23
Dear Crone,
I’m in a new relationship with a great guy—he’s funny, sexy, and treats me really well.
The problem is that apparently no one “gets” us as a couple.
I’m known to be kind of uptight, I guess—I’m definitely type A, and not really that adventurous—and my new boyfriend is a werewolf.
My friends keep asking me how the relationship “works”—like, whether he’s “supposed” to be dating another werewolf, or if I ever feel overwhelmed by his “animalistic nature.” (They’ve even asked if we have sex in the woods!
!) Even acquaintances or work colleagues seem surprised—in an unflattering way—when they learn I’m dating a wolf, I guess because I’m so bland by comparison.
My boyfriend is kind and gentle, not a toxic “alpha” type at all, but these comments make me feel so bad about myself.
I love this man, but I’ve never dated a nonhuman before, and I’m nervous for our future.
Is it true that a werewolf could never be happy with a quiet human, one who prefers staying in with a good book to howling at the moon?
Sincerely,
Not Wolf Enough
Dear Bookworm,
Allow the Crone to recap: you have a hunky, sweet, adoring boyfriend who makes you happy. What’s the problem?
Seriously, fuck every single person who’s made snide comments about your relationship.
They are clearly jealous. And why wouldn’t they be?
Whether you really are getting busy out in the woods or staying in to scrapbook together, it sounds like this is working for you. Who cares what anyone else thinks?
It is understandable to have anxieties early in a relationship—to wonder about the person we’re dating, what they’re looking for and what they need, and what being with them might mean about us.
It’s especially understandable to feel out of your depth when it comes to the supernatural, if this is your first such relationship.
But to be clear: of course a werewolf could happily date a human, even a “bland” one (which I doubt you are).
I personally know many werewolves who don’t fit the dated stereotypes your friends are relying on—I’ve seen senior werewolves play like pups, and met type A werewolves who could probably out-organize you.
The truth is, there are humans who behave like beasts, and werewolves who’d probably love to curl up beside you while you read The Call of the Wild.
If you’re wondering about your relationship, think about the person you’re dating, not his species. Does he make you laugh? Can you pass hours or days together and still want more? Do you think about him when you’re not together?
Are you happy—not just content, but deliriously, giddily, uncontrollably happy? If the answer to that is yes, don’t let anything else phase you.
And if anyone makes a shitty comment to you again, you have my permission to maul them.
Sincerely,
Crone