Chapter 04
“Mom! Mom! Mom!”
I barely had time to brace myself before Nat crashed into me, barreling out of the school doors the next Friday afternoon.
We had settled in nicely and school was going wonderful for her. My job was amazing and I loved all the customers I was cleaning and organizing for so far. This move had seemed to work out for the best.
I laughed, “What? What? What?”
“Lexi wanted me to ask if you could come in and talk to her mom about having a sleepover at her place?!”
“Come in? Isn’t she out here?” I asked, looking around questioningly, skimming the other parents. Nat had been going on and on about Lexi for the last two weeks, instantly finding a sort of soul sister in the girl.
“Ugh. No, Mom! Her mom is the receptionist, Monica!” Nat started pulling on my hand, dragging me inside the building.
“Oh!” I replied, actually pleasantly surprised. I usually didn’t allow sleepovers this early after a move but Monica had set me at ease last week and I knew she was genuine in caring for the other students like they were her own. The vibe I got from the other parents was that she was like a mom at school for all of the kids.
Monica was standing at her desk packing her tote bag and looked up smiling to buzz us into the office.
“Becks!” she exclaimed, “It's so nice to see you again! I’ve heard so much about Nat from Lexi this week and it looks like our girls have become instant best friends!”
“I’ve actually heard a lot about Lexi as well! I was happy to hear who her mom was.” I smiled at Monica.
“Lexi comes and sees me sometimes in the office and Nat has been coming along with her, so I’ve kind of adopted her as a third child! I hope you don’t mind!” Monica laughed.
“Not at all, Nat could use the extra supervision!”
“Mom!” Nat groaned. “God.”
Lexi had broken into giggles as Nat joined her, rolling her eyes at her embarrassment of a mother.
“So what’s this I hear about a sleepover?” I asked.
“Oh. Very low key. Lexi just wanted to celebrate the end of the girl’s first full week of seventh grade and eat Chinese food and watch movies. Nat is the first real girlfriend Lexi has had. She always seems to get along more with boys and would rather be reading her books. I was so hopeful when Nat started coming around. I couldn’t say no.”
My heart melted, looking at my daughter. It looked like she’d found someone who was a little like I was in school and of course instantly gravitated to her. It warmed my soul to know I was raising a good human being.
“I think I’d be okay with that,” I smiled as the two girls squealed with excitement. “Would you mind giving me your address and cell? I can take Nat home to pack a small bag and drop her off around five o’clock?”
“Of course!” Monica jotted down both on a piece of paper. “I hope you all didn’t have plans we’re interrupting?!”
“No. We were probably going to do a lot of the same tonight. It’s just Nat and I so we keep it low key.”
“Well in that case you should come too!”
Monica laughed as my eyes bugged out of my head at her request. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked me to do anything with them. I typically tried to remain standoffish and keep to myself. It had maybe been since my early years of college.
“Not to sleep over of course!” Monica continued, laughing. “We could partake in some of the Chinese and maybe sit on the deck and have a glass of wine? Get to know one another ourselves since it looks like Nat and Lexi have hit it off!”
“Oh, I don’t know…..”
“Oh, Mom! Come on! You don’t have any friends and never do anything!” Nat interjected.
“Thanks for pointing out my social inadequacies, Natasha.” I responded drily, playfully glaring at her. Taking a deep breath I decided to go outside my comfort zone. This was hopefully our forever home and I hadn’t allowed myself any friends since getting engaged. Maybe it was time.
“You know what? I’m in.” I stated firmly.
“Wonderful!” Monica exclaimed as Nat looked at me shocked. “We’ll see you all around five then!”
I shook my head thirty minutes later as my daughter ran around her room in a blur, packing an overnight bag, rambling excitedly about the night and her friends. It eased my tension about wondering if this would be the right spot for us to know she’d already found a friend she felt this close to. As I leaned against the doorway I glanced around at how my daughter had already made this her space. Nat leaned towards making every room she’d ever had her nest and comfort zone and I admired that about her.
“Are you almost ready to go, love?” I asked.
“YES! I’m so excited, Mom! I can’t believe you’re actually coming! You never go anywhere or do anything!” she replied.
“Since we’re wanting this to be our forever home, I thought it was time I made some friends as well,” I replied.
Nat stopped and turned. The look on her face stopped me in my tracks for a moment.
“What?” I asked gently.
“I knew you had said this would be our last move, I just don’t think I believed it until you said yes to Monica about hanging out,” she responded tearfully.
“Oh, sweetheart,” I whispered, pulling her in for a hug. I knew the moves had taken their toll on her, even as resilient as she was. Picking up and leaving after a few years in a place was difficult for adults, let alone children who were finding themselves and trying to make friends. That’s why this being permanent was necessary for both of us this time. Entering her emotional teenage years were going to be stressful enough without her worrying about leaving friends again or picking up and moving.
“Honey, I promise you that Reading, Pennsylvania is going to be it. It just feels right. I want that for both of us,” I said softly, squeezing her tighter against me.
She sighed against me and it was like I could feel the weight of the world rolling off her shoulders.
Was this what peace felt like? It had been so long since I’d let myself feel it.
We pulled into the driveway of the address Monica had given me at four fifty nine p.m. and Nat jumped out of the vehicle before the SUV had rolled to a complete stop.
“Natasha Rae!” I scolded, “be careful!”
“Sorry, Mom. I’m just so excited!” she grinned, grabbing her bag and running towards the front door as Lexi swung the door open, knocking the wreath askew as she screamed Nat’s name and hugged her like they’d been apart for months. Monica walked up behind them laughing.
“I think they missed each other!” she joked, winking at me.
I smiled in return, glad I had decided to dress comfy. Gone was the business skirt and blouse Monica typically wore behind the receptionist desk. Her long brown hair was thrown up into a messy bun, not unlike my own, and she was wearing gray workout leggings with a black sweatshirt that said ‘Got Coffee?’
“Girl, you look like a woman after my own heart! I knew I was gonna like you from the first day you walked into that office late!” she laughed pointing at my sweatshirt leggings combo and then her own.
“Is there any other way to do a Friday night of Chinese and girl time?” I asked, even though I really had no idea nowadays. It had been over thirteen years since my last friend had walked out of my life and I hadn’t had a night of girl time ever.
“Honey, I’d rather be in leggings and sweatshirts any day. But some time you and I should hit the town kid-free! We could get all dolled up and everything!” Monica responded. “We could let Lexi’s older sister Lacey watch the girls.” she added in a whisper. “Paul, my husband, would be home to supervise too!”
I couldn’t help but tense. “Oh?” I replied, hoping I hid my anxiety well, “Is Paul joining us tonight?”
Monica began getting Chinese food out and setting it on the kitchen counter while she spoke, “Nope. Just us girls. Paul actually works at the police station with Lucas Marshall.”
She looked at me, grinning like a smug cat, “They’re partners and friends! Lucas actually comes over for dinner once or twice a week. You’ll probably be seeing him occasionally if we hit it off.”
I laughed breathily, “Oh, that’s…nice?”
Nat intervened, “Mom needs to get out. This is the first time she’s ever hung out with a friend that I can even ever remember!”
“Thank you, Natasha,” I said, turning red.
Monica stared at me with her brown eyes as she paused opening containers.
“Baby steps then, Becks. You and I are going to become fast friends, just like our girls.”
I smiled back at her, grateful for her understanding.
Later after eating Chinese food and sending the girls up to watch movies, Monica stepped out onto the deck with me carrying a half bottle of chilled, white wine and two glasses.
“So, I know it's rude to pry, but I really gotta ask your story?” she questioned, gently. “If it's none of my business, just say the word. I have a sense about these things though, and I think we are going to end up being close.”
I stared at her, taking my wine glass. Could I do this? Finally tell someone my story and let them in?
I filled her in slowly. Explaining my somewhat isolated, nerdy childhood and lack of friends besides one or two. My parents died after graduation leaving me with no siblings or family. Describing not going to college after graduation and just starting a cleaning and organizing business of my own. When I was twenty four I met Clark and he swept me off my feet. He had seemed to have his life together. A job and apartment of his own. I didn’t know what a relationship was like, let alone just starting my first one. I was an easy target. He was well-known in town and had been a star football player in high school. Seeing how everyone responded to and treated him had made me feel like he was a safe choice.
We’d been engaged within three months and the couple of friends I’d had cleared out at the rapidness of the situation. I had been scared and so very desperate for the kind of all-consuming love that I was constantly reading about. It was after the engagement Clark started being controlling. I had moved into his apartment with him, giving up my own lease. He didn’t like any of my decisions or life choices. He claimed that he knew what was best for me.
He started making small comments about my height and weight, what everyone probably thought of me when we were out in public, but don’t worry he loved me and my body. He wouldn’t change a thing. Further cementing my thoughts of needing him because no one else could ever find me attractive. He was dismayed at finding out he wasn’t my first in everything ironically. I had given my virginity away to a clumsy boy in high school that I thought I’d loved. Only to be rejected the next day. I hadn’t ever pursued love or sex again until Clark.
Clark promised me the best I’d ever had. The first few times we went to bed together it wasn’t bad. I never had an orgasm, but it was not as bad as fumbling in that high school boy’s parent’s basement when I was seventeen years old. But Clark also put my lack of satisfaction in bed on me. He was to initiate everything and it was to be how he wanted at all times. It was just the way it was. I wasn’t going to argue. He laughed when I’d bring up my love of romance books and told me they were fiction for a reason. He’d even used that against me and bought me a popular BDSM series, telling me I needed to take notes and lessons to be obedient. He was constantly twisting and using things I loved to make me appear worthless or dirty, including my love for these books. He had tried to tarnish something meant to be beautiful and based on mutual respect, turning it into something it wasn’t.
When we got married things got steadily worse. I was forced to give up my cleaning business that I had worked so hard to save up for. Clark didn’t like me cleaning for other men and he wanted to take care of me. It was around this time he started treating me like I was stupid. Making fun of me for telling him I wanted more in the bedroom, or telling him I wanted a child. He started getting physically abusive soon after ending my request for children in fear that he would do the same to them. I just figured if it was just me, and this was my lot in life, I could deal with it. Maybe this was how relationships and marriage were meant to be?
Sex became painful because he stopped even attempting foreplay, so I stopped asking for it. Just would randomly get a text that would tell me he was in the mood and to take my pants off and lay down on my bed. He’d even started sleeping on the sofa, away from me.
I paused flashing back in my mind.
One night I had the sheer audacity to text back that I wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t in the mood.
Footsteps pounded down the short hall from his couch in the living room to where our bedroom was in the back of the apartment. I remember my head jerking up when he threw the door open knowing I’d messed up. He was on me in seconds and I couldn’t even form the word no, did I have a right to say no to my husband? I just turned my head and cried as he told me to shut my mouth, that I’d always begged for it, so I could take it without complaint.
After he finished he stood up and had the audacity to ask me what was wrong, because I just laid there crying, he laughed when I didn’t answer and told me “Well, hey, I finished in you. Maybe you’ll get that baby you were bothering me about.”
I’ve never been so terrified that he may be right.
I blinked, coming back to myself as I took a small sip of wine to hide the awkward silence. Maybe this was more than Monica had asked for? I was leaving out some of the more graphic details as I reached the night where I’d gotten rid of the pregnancy test in the dumpster.
Monica stared at me with wide eyes, “And you got away from the asshole then, right?”