Epilogue
One Year Later
“Oh, my God. We’re going to be late down the aisle to my own wedding!” I said, rustling over to the mirror and checking my makeup.
Monica was still laughing behind me, the cause for my tears of laughter at her antics to alleviate my nerves. She looked gorgeous in her lilac matron of honor dress. I knew she was still holding in a world of hurt having lost Paul though. There was much I suspected she wasn’t telling me and she would rarely talk about herself anymore. Just the girls and memories.
She talked of Paul frequently. It just seemed it was something within herself she was coming to terms with and I worried. I put it all aside for now. I’d start working on her after Lucas and I got back from the honeymoon he’d planned.
I looked at myself in my A-line wedding dress. I’d never gotten a real wedding before. Just a rushed elopement at the courthouse to tie myself to a monster. And that monster had almost stolen me away from this happiness. My eyes teared up again for a completely different reason.
“Hey! None of that!” Monica said, walking over to me quickly. “I can tell those aren’t happy tears this time.”
“I know.” I sniffed. “Are the girls ready?” I asked worriedly.
“Becks! Yes! The junior bridesmaids are all present, lined up, and accounted for. I promise,” she said, shaking her head. “All you have to do is get your butt to the doors at the back of the church before they open.”
I nodded, picking up the front of my dress as she helped with the back.
I’d told everyone at 39 years old I didn’t need a fairy tale wedding. I would be fine with something small and simple but no one would hear of it. Lucas’ Nan said she’d have my hide if I didn’t let her see her baby getting married in a ceremony. So here I was. Dressed as a blushing bride at almost forty years old.
Deep down I was relieved they’d talked me into it.
My best friend looked absolutely gorgeous, and I was elated for her. As I stepped out into the church, following Nat a few paces behind, the doors shut behind me so they could open them for Becks’ big entrance. I smiled down the aisle meeting her groom’s eyes and he winked at me.
He looked worried about me underneath it all and I hated that. Stealing any sort of joy from their wedding felt horrible. I was doing my hardest to carry on business as usual but I was struggling. Trying to find myself after being Paul and Monica for all these years, helping Lexi and Lacey navigate a life where Paul wasn’t there.
I hadn’t told anyone, but I still hadn’t slept in our bed since he’d passed. Everything was the same in our room. Untouched. His bath products were still in the shower. I opened them every morning and smelled his soap and allowed myself to cry a little.
I slept on the couch, getting up and heading to bed long after and before the girls so they didn’t know.
I glanced behind Lucas at Trevor who was standing in as best man. It should’ve been Paul. I was glad Lucas and Trevor had gotten closer. Lucas had taken losing his best friend and partner so very hard.
Trevor’s eyes narrowed at me and I looked away quickly. If there was anyone who could see through my bullshit it was going to be my ex-husband. I felt like I was walking across a frozen pond, the ice shattering slowly underneath me. Any day, any minute now it would give out and I’d sink below the surface, never coming up for air again.
I blinked rapidly and made sure my smile was still on my face. “Put it away, Mon.” I whispered to myself. “This is two of your best friend’s wedding day.” I winked at Nat as I took my spot beside her and faced the back of the church.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything was beautiful and perfect. I winked out at my Nan who was sitting in the front row, dabbing her eyes already. All my department was here and it was a relatively small wedding. But we’d convinced Becks to do it up right because she deserved this kind of memory.
Monica was grinning at me from across the altar and I raised my eyebrows and pretended to wipe sweat off my brow. I heard her snort laugh quietly much to the reverend's chagrin.
I wasn’t nervous or scared. I was excited. I wanted to get this done so we could sign that marriage license and file it. Then she would be mine forever. We’d finalized Nat’s adoption two months ago and she was now, Natasha Rae Marshall. I had a daughter. I never would’ve seen myself here a year and a half ago.
The Canon in D Major started playing as the doors opened and there she stood. The other half of my heart, walking around outside my body.
She looked like perfection and I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve her. She could’ve been walking to me in sweatpants and one of her band shirts and I would’ve been just as proud. I would’ve been brought to my knees by her beauty still.
I closed my eyes briefly to whisper a silent thank you to Paul. I did that frequently. I knew wherever he was he could hear us and see us. He was why we were here today and we could get married. I owed the man everything.
The ceremony was beautiful. Perfect. Becks blushing a faint pink throughout it at all, everyone’s eyes on her. We’d included a slot for me to say some vows to Nat as her new Dad. We weren’t calling me stepfather. I was her Dad. Pure plain and simple.
As the reverend told me to kiss my bride, I smiled down at her, “Here’s to forever!” I said, surprising her and tipping her back, before kissing her deeply.
Forever.
The church rose to applause at the announcement of Mr. and Mrs. Lucas Marshall and I joined happily. I only had eyes for one person though. The Matron of Honor, standing in whatever shade of purple she was wearing, looking like an angel.
She thought no one could see the pain she was hiding, but I knew her inside and out. We’d been high school sweethearts. We’d been married for three years before I started using drugs and pulling my bullshit. I paid for that every day of my life living away from her. I had a child with her for god sakes.
She was hurting and she wasn’t letting anyone in.
Typical Monica.
It had been a year since Paul died. I wouldn’t wish that on him or anyone but he wouldn’t want her aching and alone. Hurting forever. He and I had talked. I’d gotten my life together around the time Lacey was eight and Paul had sat me down.
He’d told me he knew Monica still loved me and I cared for her a lot. He’d asked me to try to step back in if anything had ever happened to him. I’d brushed him off and joked. Never thinking all these years later we’d be without the redheaded comic relief of our group.
But it was time. I couldn’t stand by anymore and let Monica fade away. Paul wouldn’t have wanted her to be this shadow of herself.
I still loved her, and regardless of if she would ever feel like that about me again, I’d spend the rest of my life ensuring her pain was at a minimum.
It was time to make good on a promise I never thought I’d have to follow through on.