Chapter 21
‘I’m so happy you came,’ says Cécile with a smile as Tilly approaches the book table.
Amirah Lopez sits nearby, signing books and talking with people. Cécile wears another grey-and-black outfit but with the same bright red lipstick.
‘I hope it was OK to suggest it. I thought of your lovely husband and everything you are going through … and I always find books comforting during hard times.’
Tilly picks up a copy, running her hand over the cover decorated in stars.
It looks even more beautiful now she knows the meaning behind the design.
Up until now Tilly has thought of her grief as a darkness, but she loves the idea of it being a light instead – a light that could shine and be spotted by other people who have experienced something similar.
‘It was wonderful, thank you for suggesting it. I haven’t actually read any books about grief before.’
‘It’s a beautiful book. It helped me to process the loss of my own mother. When I heard Amirah was doing this event I insisted on working tonight.’
Tilly looks at Cécile with a new understanding, the two of them sharing another smile. By now the queue ahead has cleared and Amirah Lopez smiles expectantly at Tilly.
‘Hello,’ she says as Tilly steps forward. ‘Thank you for coming to my event and for buying a book. Who would you like me to make the dedication to?’
Now that Tilly is standing in front of her she feels star-struck in a way she never did in the presence of the celebrities she used to work with. Amirah waits patiently, a calm smile on her face.
‘If you could please write it to Matilda. That’s me.
I just have to say how much I enjoyed your reading and that I’m so glad I came tonight.
I lost my husband last year and I’ve never heard anyone speak about grief like that before.
The story you told about your mother’s telescope …
it really resonated. I think books are my telescope. ’
The words tumble out of her. She’s been thinking about the books from Joe and how they feel like a connection to him, but also how reading them has opened up whole worlds to her, places she might not have seen otherwise, like this very room in this very bookshop.
‘Sorry, that probably doesn’t make any sense. ’
‘It makes a lot of sense. In fact, I think it’s a lovely idea. Books transport us and yet keep us rooted at the same time, exactly like a telescope. I hope you enjoy mine.’
She passes the book back and Tilly holds it tightly in her arms. ‘Thank you,’ she says with meaning, before stepping away to allow the next person in the queue to have their moment.
It’s only when she has moved to the side that she opens the book and reads the inscription.
Dear Matilda,
From one lone star to another – never forget that you are part of a constellation.
Amirah Lopez
Tilly is in no rush to leave the bookshop, enjoying watching the groups milling about and chatting as the final copies of the book get bought and signed. She is browsing a shelf of newly released titles when Cécile approaches her.
‘Hello again. We’re just finishing up here and a group of us are going on to have supper at a nearby bar. Would you like to join us?’
She gestures to a group gathered near the doorway and Tilly spots the woman who sat next to her during the event and handed her a tissue.
The woman smiles warmly at her. Tilly thinks about the apartment waiting for her with its view over Paris and its deep, comfortable bed.
And how, when she returns to it, the place will be completely quiet.
‘I’d love to join you, thank you.’
The bar is noisy and lively, the sound of French music playing over the chatter of voices.
Tables and chairs spill on to the street that overlooks the Seine, and the air smells of crusty bread, garlic and the dripping candles that glow in empty wine bottles on the tables.
Cécile introduces Tilly to Lola – the woman who sat next to her during the event – and the others in the group, all bookshop regulars.
Partway through the meal, Tilly’s phone buzzes and she checks it quickly.
Rachel:
Hi Tilly. Just messaging because I sent an email to your work address about the Esmerelda Love project and received an out of office telling me you’ve left Splash! Wow! Where have you gone on to? Somewhere exciting, I hope. It would be great to catch up soon. Perhaps we could go for that drink? R x
P.S. Hope you enjoyed Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow.
‘Is everything all right?’ Cécile asks, noticing the frown that has appeared on Tilly’s face.
‘Just a message from an old friend,’ she explains. ‘At least, I thought we were friends. We’ve drifted ever since Joe got sick. I’m not really sure where we stand now.’
Across the table Lola nods knowingly, reaching for one of the frites in the shared bowl in the middle of the table.
‘I lost a lot of friends when my Larry died. Some people just don’t know how to handle grief.’
‘Or what to say,’ adds Fairooz, a student in her early twenties wearing a purple dress and matching headscarf, who shared earlier that her brother died when she was a teenager.
It turns out everyone in the group has some experience of grief. Which is perhaps not surprising, given the nature of the event.
‘But what is there to say?’ chips in John, an elderly man dressed head to toe in tweed, with a floral pocket-square poking out of his jacket.
He takes a sip of his glass of wine, a bottle of Beaujolais nearly empty between them on the table.
‘All the common words of condolence sound so trite. But I am yet to come up with anything superior …’
An image of Alfie’s face pops into Tilly’s mind.
‘… I’m sure I said some thoroughly stupid things to people before I lost my husband, Henri. Before I really understood.’
‘That’s a good point. I’m sure I was the same, now I think of it,’ says Tilly, trying to remember what she said to her parents when her grandparents died, and to colleagues returning from bereavement leave. The thought makes her wince.
‘Anything is better than nothing, non?’ says Pierre, a tanned man in his forties wearing an expensive-looking navy cashmere jumper. ‘Silence is the worst thing. When my best friend died I think people were so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they said nothing at all.’
‘That’s what it was like with Rachel. She went really quiet after Joe got his diagnosis.
We used to hang out every couple of weeks or so, but as soon as Joe got sick she was suddenly super busy with work.
Which I get, because we work in the same industry.
I know about deadlines and publication schedules.
But it felt like she wasn’t there when I needed her. ’
Tilly swallows hard, thinking back to the dark weeks following Joe’s diagnosis, when it felt as though her life had fallen apart. She could have done with one of her evenings in Rachel’s company, talking about books as a distraction from hospital appointments and medication schedules.
One particularly bad day, when Joe’s pain had made him irritable and everything Tilly suggested doing to help seemed to make things worse, she messaged Rachel, telling her she could do with a night out and asking if they could meet at the pub that evening.
Rachel replied saying she was on a deadline and would be busy for a while.
Tilly didn’t ask again after that. It had taken so much strength to reach out for help the first time that she didn’t think she could do it again.
‘When Joe died, Rachel sent flowers and came to the funeral but after that, nothing. I only reconnected with her again recently because of work,’ Tilly continues. ‘But now she wants to meet for a drink …’
‘Maybe she wants to make amends?’ suggests Cécile.
‘Maybe …’
‘The important question is whether that’s what you want,’ says John. ‘Death certainly shows you who your true friends are. But on the other hand, we all fuck up, don’t we?’
The swear word seems so at odds with his posh English accent that Tilly laughs into her wine, before forcing herself to think about his question.
‘I have missed her …’
Tilly finished Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow last week, and it was perfect. So many of the pages Rachel had dog-eared were Tilly’s favourite bits too. She turned the final page, bursting to talk to someone about it – and knowing that ‘someone’ was Rachel.
‘Then maybe it’s worth going for that drink,’ nudges Cécile. ‘Just to see what she has to say?’
At the end of the meal they all exchange numbers and firm hugs. She leaves the restaurant feeling as though she has just made five new and unexpected friends.
When Tilly gets back to the apartment she flops on to the bed, leaving the curtains open so she can see the lights of the city twinkling outside. Lying on her stomach with her heels kicked up behind her and the view of the Parisian rooftops outside, she sends a reply to Rachel’s message.
Tilly:
Hey, sorry not to have messaged you sooner but yes – I have left Splash!
I’m actually taking a bit of a career break for a while.
I’m currently in Paris for a few weeks! One of the other editors will be picking up the Esmerelda Love project so will be in touch with you shortly.
A drink when I get back would be nice. And I finished Tomorrow x3 and loved it. I have thoughts. T xx
Rachel:
Paris! Fantastique. Hope you are having a wonderful time. And a career break sounds like a brilliant idea. Have a great rest of trip. Can’t wait to see you and chat about the book with you when you get back. Xx
Tilly pauses for a moment. Me too, she writes in reply, realizing as she types it that it’s true.
Her phone lights up with another notification, this time telling her that she has been added by Lola Ricardo to a WhatsApp group called Paris Grief Gang.
Lola:
Welcome to the club that absolutely no one would choose to be part of!! Thanks for a lovely evening.
Fairooz:
We should get T-shirts made.
Pierre:
Or badges. With skulls on them.
John:
Count me in! Just home safely. I think I may be a little tipsy! An enchanting evening, nonetheless.
Cécile:
Agreed! Thank you all for coming.
Tilly smiles as she reads the messages then types a reply.
Tilly:
It was lovely to meet you all. I’m actually going to be in Paris for a few weeks and it’s my first time in the city. If anyone is around and wants to meet up again I’d love that.
John:
Sacré bleu! A Parisian virgin! You are very welcome to come for tea at my little apartment in the 7th arrondissement. It would be a pleasure to show you the library my husband and I spent our lives curating.
Cécile:
Say yes! John is being modest, his place is enormous and his library is directly opposite the Tour Eiffel. Magnifique! And I’d love to show you some of my favourite bookshops in Paris. You must see Librairie Jousseaume in the Galerie Vivienne – it’s the most charming place.
Pierre:
I’d recommend a walk along the Canal Saint-Martin. It’s très joli at this time of year.
Fairooz:
Parc des Buttes-Chaumont is my favourite park in Paris. I live nearby so could show you around.
John:
Oh, and you must see the museums too. The Louvre, the Musée d’Orsay … I’d be delighted to accompany you.
As more suggestions come pinging in and Tilly glances out at the shimmering view of the City of Lights spread out beneath her window, she feels a tingling sense of excitement take hold. Suddenly three weeks doesn’t seem so long, after all.