Chapter 59
After more champagne, hugs and laughter, the Parisian contingent head off to their Airbnb. Prudence and Blue wish them a Happy Christmas and head off for home, leaving Tilly and Alfie alone in the quiet of the bookshop.
There’s so much Tilly wants to say, but now that they’re alone together, she feels hesitant and acutely aware of her hands.
Not knowing what to do with them, she settles for placing her palms on the shop counter, to steady herself.
The shop is still softly lit by camping lights and glowing fairy lights, despite the fact the electricity came back on a few hours ago.
‘I meant what I said earlier,’ Alfie says gently. ‘Thank you for all of this. Before you go, I have something for you.’
‘I have something for you too.’
She hands him two parcels, one hard and one soft. He passes her a single parcel, his gift small, weighty and rectangular.
‘Hmm, I wonder what this could be,’ Tilly says, turning it over in her hands. ‘A football?’
‘OK, so maybe it’s not the most original gift ever. But I hope you’ll like it.’
‘You open yours first,’ says Tilly, feeling suddenly nervous.
‘All right, thank you.’
He unwraps the soft parcel first, pulling out an olive-green hand-knitted jumper.
‘I hope it fits OK, I had to guess. And if you hate it, you don’t have to wear it …’
He is already pulling off the one he is wearing, his shirt lifting as he does and giving her a brief glimpse of skin that makes her cheeks grow hot. He pulls the jumper down over his broad shoulders.
‘I know how much your dad’s jumpers mean to you. But I thought maybe you should have some things that are yours too.’
‘Thank you,’ he says gruffly. ‘It’s perfect.’ He begins to tear the paper on the other parcel too.
She watches as he pulls out the large hardback book with the Lonely Planet logo at the top of a cover that shows a beautiful sunlit lake and two people leaping into the water, arms outstretched.
‘“You Only Live Once”,’ he reads aloud with a smile.
‘It’s full of suggestions for adventures, some big and some small,’ Tilly explains as he flicks through the pages, beautiful photos of beautiful places flashing past. ‘There are some that are far away but others that I thought you could do here in London too. You deserve to have adventures, Alfie. To go to places, as well as reading about them. The book is right, we only get one life.’
It’s something that her head knew before Joe got sick but that she truly feels in her heart since losing him.
Some days, the fragility of life and the knowledge that we will all lose people we love feels too much to bear.
But on other days, it feels like a precious, remarkable gift.
And thinking of Joe makes her determined to live her one life well – to make it one filled with books, adventures and love.
‘It’s beautiful, thank you,’ Alfie says, his voice rough with feeling. ‘And you’re right. Now the shop is safe … maybe there’s space for books and adventures.’
‘There are a lot of great rocks out there in the world,’ Tilly says as he pauses on a series of photos of mountaintops.
‘There are,’ Alfie replies with a laugh. He strokes the page and says, ‘I always thought it was either or. Either take over the bookshop or see the world, but maybe … maybe I can have both.’
‘You’ve got some pretty great staff,’ says Tilly with a smile. ‘I think they can handle taking on more responsibility. They might even enjoy it.’
‘You’re right,’ Alfie replies. ‘I guess I’ve felt in the past that I’ve had to do everything myself. That asking for help was a sign of weakness. But today has shown me that I’m not on my own.’
Tilly’s stomach tightens. At the start of the year, she thought she was alone too. But today has reminded her that it isn’t true. She has lost so much, but there is still so much left that is worth holding on to. That is worth holding on for.
Alfie closes the book, smoothing the cover gently with his hand. ‘Thank you, Tilly. Now it’s your turn. Turn yours over.’
As she flips the parcel over, she freezes. The word ‘January’ is written on a sticky label.
‘It’s technically a January present, not a Christmas present,’ says Alfie, looking at her closely, his expression suddenly nervous.
‘But I thought you might like it today. It’s also only the first part of your present.
There will be eleven more next year. I can send you the rest when I have your new address. ’
Tilly holds the parcel, her hands shaking.
‘Is this …?’
‘A year of books,’ Alfie finishes for her with a nod. ‘And I know this is absolutely not the same as your books from Joe, but I thought you might still like to have a book to look forward to each month. I thought a set of new books might help you through the next year, whatever it brings.’
Tilly says nothing, she just holds the parcel tightly in her hands, her heart racing and a lump caught in her throat.
‘Is that OK?’ He looks at her with an expression that is both hopeful and anxious.
When Tilly manages to speak her voice comes out as a whisper.
‘Alfie, it’s perfect.’ She wipes her eyes, her heart pounding. ‘But wait, how did you know that I’m moving?’
His throat moves as he swallows. ‘Raj told me at the wedding – about New York.’
‘Oh …’ she says slowly.
‘And I think it’s great,’ he adds hurriedly.
‘You do?’
‘Raj said it was an amazing opportunity. I’m happy for you. You deserve it.’
Around them the shop is quiet and empty, the street outside busy with people heading to the local pub for Christmas Eve drinks.
But in here it’s just them. And Georgette, who is now snoring softly.
Tilly glances around at the bare shelves, imagining Alfie repainting and John moving in upstairs and her not being here to see it.
‘Is that why you’ve been avoiding me since the wedding?’
He flinches, shifting about on the spot.
‘I’m sorry. I just thought, with you leaving, it might make things … easier, if I kept my distance. I didn’t want our stuff to complicate things. Even if it was the best kiss of my life.’
Her heart pounds. But as she looks at him everything else seems to still.
‘Alfie, I’m not moving to New York.’
‘What?’
He looks up at her, his long-lashed eyes shining.
‘I have decided to sell my flat. I’ve been wanting to tell you about it. But I’m hoping to stay in the area, if I can find somewhere. I just thought it might be time for a fresh start in a new place.’
‘You’re not taking the job in America? But I thought it was your dream job?’
‘Maybe it was … once. But this past year has changed what I thought I wanted. It’s changed me. And I’ve realized I don’t want to go back to that life – working crazy hours in an office, always being on call. Helping famous people write famous books. It’s not what I want.’
‘So, what are you going to do?’ Alfie asks.
‘I’m going freelance,’ Tilly replies, feeling a buzz of both nerves and excitement as she says it.
‘I want to work with new writers, helping them get their books ready to send out to agents and publishers. I want to help them at that very early stage, when they’re feeling lost, and not sure if they have a story to tell.
My friend Rachel is going to be my first client.
I did one round of edits for her for free, but she’s insisting on paying me for the next round.
And she’s already referred me to her friends in her writers’ group.
And after that … well, I’ll see how it goes.
Maybe I’ll have to take a permanent job in the future, but I like the idea of working like this, and the freedom it brings.
I can do it how and when and wherever I like. And life is too short not to try.’
Alfie fixes her with a look that makes her heart skip. She is very aware of the space between them, just a couple of paces. It’s a small shop, after all.
‘So you’re staying.’
She nods. And then, ‘I thought you regretted what happened on the balcony.’
‘No,’ Alfie replies quickly, his eyes flashing.
‘I could never regret that. It was amazing. But I meant what I said before. I want you to feel safe with me. And if that, if this …’ He gestures at the space between them.
‘If any of it is too much, then I really do want to stay your friend, even if that kiss was the best kiss of my life. When I thought you were going to New York …’ He draws in a breath.
‘It made me realize how much I want you in my life. Whatever that looks like.’
‘I want you in my life too.’
They each take a step forward … and then they are in one another’s arms, each holding on as tightly as the other.
It would be so easy to leave things there.
The shop is saved and Alfie is her friend again.
But then Tilly thinks of John, taking a second chance on love.
She thinks of Lola and how she hasn’t given up hope of finding someone.
She thinks of Ellen reassuring her that it’s OK to make space for another love, and of the feel of Alfie’s warm hand cradling her face as he kissed her on a balcony looking out over the city, making her feel safe but also sparking a stirring of something she never thought she’d get to feel again.
Hope that there might be more love left for her in the world, after all.
‘I’m not sure I want to be just your friend, though,’ she says softly, tilting her head up to look at him.
‘No?’ he replies, his voice catching in his throat. ‘Because I meant what I said. That can be enough for me. I know it’s scary to think of anything more. It’s scary for me too.’
Tilly thinks back to what John told her. She finds Alfie’s hand, slipping her palm in his.
‘Love is always scary. But maybe we can be brave together.’
He touches her cheek ever so gently and she stretches up on to her tiptoes, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.
When they part they’re both smiling. Alfie rests his forehead against hers.
‘If this were a book or a film, it would start to snow now,’ he says.
Tilly glances around. Her eyes light on the shop window display, liberally decorated with fake snow, and she reaches for a handful.
Alfie grins and does the same.
They lift their hands and at the same time, eyes locked on each other, they let go.