Chapter Two – Liam
Liam
I sat on the back porch and stared ahead. The gardens were overflowing with flowers, and the smell of honeysuckle filled the air. I loved summertime in Moose Village and couldn’t wait for Winnie to experience it just as I had growing up.
Feeling someone tap my shoulder, I looked up to see my best friend, Nathan Banks.
We had been best friends in high school, and even when I moved out of Moose Village and moved to New York, we had kept in touch.
He had really been there for me over the last two years with Hope’s cancer fight and her death.
“You look like you need this.”
I reached up and took the glass of whiskey. “Thanks.”
“Where is Winnie?” he asked, slipping into the seat next to me.
Letting out a breath, I replied, “Jake, Mary, and Opal took her to The Book Nook for storytime.”
“I’m sure she’ll love that.”
I nodded. “She’ll love seeing Aurora.”
We remained silent for a few moments before I asked, “How are things at The Muddled Moose?”
“Things are great. Everyone is ready for you to come back on a more full-time level.”
After Hope died, I asked a huge favor of Nathan to manage the bar and restaurant that I owned on the rooftop of the historic Moose Village Hotel.
It was only going to be until I got all the legal shit out of the way with Hope’s death.
I had started to go back in but hardly lasted a whole night before I found myself heading back home and sitting on Winnie’s bed and watching her sleep.
Mary of course had been here to watch Winnie for me while I attempted to slowly go back to work.
It had become a habit I knew I needed to break.
It was way past time for me to get back to work full time, but I just couldn’t seem to make myself do it.
Everyone would give me that fucking smile of sympathy and tell me how sorry they were.
I was sick of hearing it. No one ever invited us anywhere, and assumed I was buried in this house in a mountain of grief.
It was more like a mountain of guilt. Having Hope’s father and sister here hadn’t helped.
Every time I looked at them, it felt like another pound of guilt was added onto my shoulders.
“Liam, you’re going to have to go back sooner or later.”
I nodded. “I know. I know I do.” Turning to look at him, I said, “I’m sorry that I put you in this spot.”
“I have the freedom to do this for you and still manage my own job. But I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling a bit tired and I’m not sure I can do this much longer. I’ve been juggling my job and yours for almost four months.”
Closing my eyes, I internally cursed. I was asking so much of everyone around me while I sat here in my guilt.
It was June, with beautiful summer weather, and I sat day after day either in my house or on the porch if I wasn’t at The Muddled Moose.
The only thing I did make sure of was spending time with Winnie.
That meant getting in the car and driving to a park not near our house, so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.
We’d had campouts in the backyard and made s’mores.
I played with dolls and horses with her.
I made sure to give her as much time as I could.
But I also relied on Mary to watch her when I did drag my ass to work, or when I went to my office to drink my sorrows away until all hours of the night.
Something I had tried to stop doing, but there was an occasional time or two I got shit-faced and passed out on my office couch.
Turning to look at him, I said, “I was planning to come back on Monday. Full time. Just give me this weekend.”
He smiled. “You don’t have to come back full time. The managers you have there are doing a great job and have really stepped up for you.”
“I’ll have to give them all a bonus or a raise. I’ll see which they would prefer.”
“Sounds good.” Clearing his throat, he said, “Mary is heading back to New York City?”
Lifting the glass, I downed the whiskey. “Yeah. She has to, or they will give her position to someone else. I guess I’ll have to see if Opal can watch Winnie when I work.”
“I thought Opal and Jake wanted to travel? Have you thought about a nanny?”
The image of Hope in bed begging me not to let anyone other than family watch Winnie passed through my head. “Hope didn’t want a stranger watching Winnie.”
“You can’t bring her to The Muddled Moose,” Nathan stated.
“I’ll figure something out. I’m able to spend time with her for part of the day before I have to go into work, and well…I’ll figure it out.”
Nathan remained silent for a few moments before clearing his throat softly.
“Just say what you want to say, Nathan.”
“Liam, Hope isn’t here anymore, and what she asked you was unreasonable on her part. You’ve got to think about this realistically. You’ve got to work or you’re not going to be able to pay for this house.”
I turned to him. “So what you’re trying to tell me is that life moves on.”
He drew his brows down. “Yes, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying. By moving on with life, that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten Hope, or that you aren’t allowed to grieve. I don’t know what you’re going through.”
“No, you don’t!” I shouted. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through, Nathan. And that’s the thing…I’m not grieving.”
His eyes widened. “Really? It sure as hell seems like it. Listen, I know you and Hope were going through a rough spot before the cancer diagnosis, and I don’t know what you’re going through if it isn’t grief. But whatever the hell it is, you’re drowning in it, Liam.”
I shook my head. How did I explain to my best friend that the entire town thinks I’m lost without Hope, when in reality, I was feeling lost for some other unknown reason.
“I can’t explain it, Nathan. Because I don’t feel grief, I only feel guilt.”
“Have you thought about going and talking to someone?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, so you’re feeling guilty. I’m here if you ever want or need to talk, just to let you know.
But you can’t ignore life. You’ve got a daughter who needs you, and I know you spend a lot of time with her here at the house, but you’re avoiding everyone in town.
When was the last time you took Winnie to storytime, just the two of you? ”
My head pounded. I didn’t want to admit he was right. I needed to say it out loud, though. “I can’t remember.”
“And you don’t see a problem with that? Why are you avoiding friends?” Nathan asked. “Liam, I’m not trying to get you to forget about Hope and everything that you have went through, but you can’t hide out here in this house like this.”
Closing my eyes, I let out a long breath. “You’re right. The reason I don’t want to see friends isn’t because I’m grief-stricken over Hope…it’s because I’m not. And you have no idea how guilty that makes me feel.”
“What?” he asked, surprise laced in his voice. “I mean, I knew you asked for a divorce, but I had no idea your feelings for Hope hadn’t changed during the time she was getting treatments.”
Setting the empty whiskey glass down, I scrubbed my hands down my face. “Fuck. I can’t talk about it all right now. The Hope I met and fell in love with…”
My voice trailed off.
“Dude, you need to talk to someone if you don’t feel like you can talk to me. I can see you’re being eaten alive from the inside, and you can’t do that. What you have to do now is concentrate on Winnie.”
I dropped back into my seat. “Once Mary is gone, I’m on my own. What if I mess this kid up?”
Nathan let out a chuckle. “Liam, you’re the best father I’ve ever known besides my own. You’re not going to mess her up. The first thing you need to do is stop pushing people away. If they want to help you, then let them. Trust me, you’ll get a pattern down, and the two of you will do great.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Nathan stood. “I’ve got to run. I’m having dinner with my parents, Lou, and Aurora tonight.”
The mention of her name caused my heart to free-fall. I attempted to sound casual as I asked. “How is Aurora?”
“She’s good. I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t stopped by to visit. She was so good about it with Hope, and I know she loved helping with Winnie.”
Great. More guilt piled on, and it felt like someone kicked me right in the chest. Did I dare tell Nathan that the last time I saw Aurora I had been awful to her?
I said things I didn’t mean, and it upset her and caused her to leave.
I had been in a bad place that day, and unfortunately, Aurora Banks had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I stood. “Do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“The last time Aurora was here I said some pretty shitty things to her. She hasn’t spoken to me since. That was back in March.”
His brow went up. “What did you say?”
I exhaled and pushed my hand through my hair. “I accused her of trying to replace Hope in Winnie’s life and…” I stopped before I added ‘and in my life’. Clearing my throat, I went on, “I asked her if it had been her plan all along.”
Nathan took a step back as anger grew in his eyes. He drew in a slow breath and exhaled. “She was Hope’s friend, as well as yours, Liam. All she ever wanted to do was help you both out, and you knew how much she loved Winnie. I thought the two of you were friends.”
“We were. We are!”
“Are you seriously saying you are trying to tell me you thought my baby sister wanted to take Hope’s place?”
With a shake of my head, I replied, “No. I mean, I was drunk and I implied it. Winnie was upset, and she wouldn’t settle down for me when I was trying to get her to go to bed. She only wanted Aurora and it pissed me off. I said the only thing I could think of to push her away.”
Slowly shaking his head, Nathan closed his eyes.
“I’m trying really hard not to punch you right now, Liam.
” He opened his eyes and stared at me. “You were trying to push her away, why? Because Winnie wanted Aurora to put her to bed? Or is it because you were drunk and maybe you wanted to go to bed with my sister?”