19. Finn
Finn
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6TH
A t least this phase of confusion comes with a pair of soft lips to balance it out.
I’ve been a nervous dipshit since I walked through her door (or, more accurately, since I drove her back home. Or, most accurately, since I saw her ass in the air on Back to School Night).
And now all coherent thoughts have left my brain and I’m only aware of the fact that I’m kissing the only woman who’s managed to weasel her way into my life.
Ha…weasel…
Focus!!
Her tongue glides across my lips and I groan involuntarily, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her into my body. I don’t want to hurt her but— holy shit, you asshole, you could hurt her! She just sprained her ankle!
I break the kiss and lean back, my brain knowing it’s the right thing to do, but my dick being pretty unhappy about it.
As a nice consolation prize, I’m rewarded with Callie’s satisfied smile. “I hope that was okay,” she says.
I blow out a breath. “Um, yeah . Yeah, I’d say it was more than okay. Are…are you okay?”
Her grin grows impossibly wider, and she gently touches the side of my neck and leans up to kiss my cheek. “I’m good.”
I glance back over at her couch and she catches me.
“You’re not going to feel okay until you set up the couch for me, are you?”
I rush over to it. “I just…like, positioning is really important when the injury is still new, and I want to make sure it’s all at the right height.”
I make quick work of arranging and rearranging pillows and blankets, although both of us have to know that I’m stalling at this point. But she doesn’t seem to mind, so I’m going with it.
I push the coffee table back a little and kneel on the floor to tuck a blanket under the large couch cushion. The touch of her hand resting on my shoulder interrupts my mission.
“I think this is good, Coach. Would you mind helping me get situated here?”
I brush my hands off on my pants.
Standing, I offer her my forearm, which she uses to brace herself as she hops on her good leg before I lower her down. She swings her foot up onto the pillow stack I carefully built and smiles up at me again. “Wow, this is fantastic, thank you. You’re pretty good at this!”
All I can manage is a chuckle and a grab at the back of my neck to keep my hands from touching her again.
“Hey,” she says softly. “I want to talk to you about something. Do you have a quick second?”
No.
Yes.
I mean…I have all the seconds. But if I spend too many more of them here, I’ll be tempted to feel things, and that’s probably ill-advised, right?
“Yeah, absolutely,” I stupidly say, sitting on the bright blue rug. “Holy shit, this rug is soft.”
“I know, right?”
“Like…like is it made of cashmere or something?” I run my fingers through the ridiculously plush material.
“Muppet,” Callie deadpans.
“Grover, no!”
We both laugh for a moment. “There might be some Cookie Monster in there, too, I didn’t ask the seller too many questions.”
“That’s probably for the best.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “Do you want to keep talking about my interior design, or can I be serious for a second?”
I’m not sure I can hide my expression from her.
Honestly, I feel like even if I could , she’d still see right through it.
“No, go ahead.”
“It’s not bad serious,” she promises.
I hold my hands out to the side. “Fire away.”
“Listen, I promise I don’t usually make it a habit to make out with my coworkers.”
Coworkers? That doesn’t feel great.
“But,” she continues, “I can’t help it. I really like you, Finn.”
Okay, that’s better. “I like you, too,” I admit, surprising myself.
“And I feel like it’s safe to say we’re attracted to each other, right?” She runs her palm over my biceps and I cover it with my hand.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go with ‘that’s a safe bet.’”
“So can you think of any reason we couldn’t?—”
“Lex,” I blurt out. “I can’t date someone and risk Lex getting attached. If it didn’t work out…she’s had enough abandonment in her life.”
Callie’s hand is still on my arm, and she offers a squeeze. “I hope you know I adore your daughter and would never do anything to hurt her.”
I believe her.
“In case you didn’t get the memo,” she chuckles, “I’m not exactly relationship material.”
“What memo? What are you talking about?”
“Finn, I’m a professional drifter. I never stay in one place for very long, and honestly, it’s better for everyone that way. But that doesn’t mean I’m a robot. Neither one of us really wants a long-term relationship, so it’s kind of a perfect setup for a little no-stringsies thing, right?”
“Did you just say ‘no-stringsies?’”
“I regret nothing.”
“So you mean…like…friends with benefits?”
She nods quickly. “Yeah! What do you think?”
I think that sounds like not nearly enough.
I rub my chest for a second and look at her.
Her smile fades. “Oh my god, you’re not into it.”
“No, no,” I promise. “I’m into it. I…I love benefits. And friends. Great things, both of those things are great.”
“You don’t look so sure. Finn, it’s okay, I promise. I probably shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
“I’m glad you brought it up.” She doesn’t look convinced. “No, really, I am! I just…want to make sure that you don’t…“
Crush my soul because it already just died a little at the thought of you leaving.
“I swear I won’t get too attached or anything. I’m a professional, remember?” she grins, then scrunches up her nose. “Drifter. I’m a professional drifter. Not a prostitute. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a prostitute.”
I grab her hand without even thinking and it forces her to look at me. “I know what you mean, I just, uh, I haven’t had a… friend in a really long time,” I lie. I had a fantastic friend in Illinois just a few months ago. But I can’t tell Callie the real reason I’m stammering like an idiot. I can barely articulate it to myself.
Her smile returns, warm enough to melt even Dr. Cratchett’s cold, black heart. “Well, as far as I know, all my past friends have been happy with the arrangement.”
“We don’t really need to talk about your other friendships.”
“Right,” she twists her nose a little. “Sorry. But listen, you don’t have to answer me now. Think about it and let me know. We’ll make sure all the rules are clear and there’s no confusion. The most important thing to me is that Lexie doesn’t end up finding out or getting hurt.”
That she has such genuine concern for my daughter is touching, but it’s not what I’m worried about. I’ve been protecting Lex her whole life, I can keep this from her pretty easily.
But admitting I want more from Callie than just sex? That’s definitely going to be my undoing.
And as I look at the deep green in her eyes and the sparkle of the nose stud I originally disliked ( you always liked it, you horny liar ), I know that there’s no way I can get closer to her without watching her rip my heart completely out of my chest and doing the cha-cha on it.
Fuck, that’s probably going to happen even if I just stay regular friends with her.
I pinch my lips together, silently telling her what I can’t say out loud. This is a bad idea.
She mirrors my expression in acknowledgment but squeezes my hand and nods in solidarity.
“Let’s do it,” I blurt out.
“Wait, what?”
What?
“Hey, when a goddess makes an offer like that to a mere mortal man, he’d be pretty stupid to turn it down.”
I’m full on false bravado now, we both know it.
She bites her lip and leans towards me. “Are you sure?” she whispers.
“No.”
“Maybe this will help.”
Her hand wraps around the back of my neck and our lips touch again. A soft signature on an unwritten contract.
“I’ve got to get back to Lex, but we’ll talk tomorrow?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I make sure she’s settled before letting myself out, locking the doorknob and feeling the crisp evening air fill my lungs. The walk back to my car is slow, and the sound of every dead, fallen leaf crunching under my feet makes me think of how truly and royally fucked I am. That myth about the guy who flew too close to the sun is Greek, isn’t it?
I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.