27. RYA
27
RYA
What have I done, what have I done, what have I done? I’m a mixed-up mess, my life a catastrophe of my own making.
“Rya, you’ve hardly eaten in days. It’s not a wonder your dance is suffering. We should get breakfast before we head back to the dorm.” I hear Hazel, but I’m so stuck in my head, I’m having difficulty pulling myself out of it. She’s right. Audition practice this morning sucked. I’d dragged myself sluggishly through until the hour was up. She puts a hand on my arm, and her chilly fingers grip at my skin. But it’s only after she yanks us to a stop and gets right into my face that she gains my attention. “What’s wrong ?”
What’s wrong? Anxiety has my problems running on an unending loop through my tortured mind. Oh, I don’t know , a shrill voice in my head cries out. Could it be that someone broke into our room and ruined half our belongings? Or… wait, the voice quips. Could it possibly be that I finally had a chance with Logan, only to have the experience soured by what Hazel suggested to me an hour after the best night of my life? Could be. My stomach has been twisted into uncomfortable knots ever since. Or maybe it’s the niggling guilt over Jaxon not having a clue that I had sex with Logan… and Logan not knowing about the video call with Jaxon…
Fuck. Me. Sideways.
“Rya! What the fuck?” I jolt back to awareness of my surroundings once again to find an exasperated Hazel staring at me as if I’ve got three heads and a couple extra pairs of eyeballs. I blink at her as I slowly bring a hand to my forehead to rub at it.
She’s probably so glad I asked her to come with me to take a look at what I’m planning for the auditions. I roll my eyes at the sarcasm dripping from the thoughts inside my head.
Miserable company. That’s what I am. And a shitty friend, too. I’ve kept more than one thing from her lately.
I wet my lips, then let out a sigh at the way her brows are pinched together. “I’m not up for the dining hall right now. I’ve got protein bars in the room. ”
Not bothering to mask her irritation, Hazel folds her arms over her chest. “No way. Not good enough. Talk to me. I know it can’t just be the whole situation with our room. It’s my room, too, and I’m not freaking the fuck out over it.”
Staring into her blue eyes, I’m at loss for what to tell her. I know she’s trying to be a good friend, and I feel like shit that I haven’t shared, well, anything. “I… um.” Pausing, I expel a harsh breath and try again. “Logan—” How do I say this? The gut-wrenching conversation we had yesterday when I returned to our room after being with him drifts through my head, mocking me and making my heart sink with every word.
“Rya. I’ve gotta run something by you that occurred to me last night. What if… what if Logan did this?” I’d looked at her as if she were crazy. But then, she’d continued. “You two have been… estranged. He knows you’ve been hanging out with Jaxon, and he’s gotta hate the idea of it, right? Well, what if he thought this was a surefire way to get you to come running back to him?”
And I had. Right into his arms… and into his bed. My mind doesn’t want to wrap itself around her theory. I’ve been so torn ever since she brought it up that I haven’t reached out to Logan at all. Unease flows through me as a sick feeling wrenches my stomach. No wonder I can’t fu cking eat. I don’t want to believe it. But what if she’s right?
Hazel tilts her head to the side, her eyes assessing me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. “Just spit it out, Rya.”
Blood pounds a steady, taunting rhythm in my head. “I-I slept with him.”
“I know you did. You told me you stayed in his roo—” She halts, her eyes turning into wide circles of blue. “Wait. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
My voice comes out raw and shaky. “W-we had sex. I had sex with him.” Just saying the words has my face flaming and my skin prickling with sweat despite the chill in the air. I press my hands to my cheeks and open my mouth to continue, but without knowing what else to say, I snap it shut again.
Hazel stares at me, the disbelief plain on her face. “Oh, shit .” She covers her mouth with a few fingers, her study of me intense. Blinking rapidly, she finally groans. “Oh god. And then I told you I thought he was the one to fuck up our room.” She pauses to suck in some air before continuing. “Why didn’t you say something?” Freezing in place, she points at me accusingly. “Oh. My. God. Did you really pull a muscle and that’s why you were dancing all awkward-like… or was that just a convenient cover for I devirginized myself and my lady parts got scrambled by Logan’s dick ?” When all I do is shrug, she smacks at my upper arm.
“Ow!” My brows pinch together as I stare at her. But, she’s kinda right. My aching muscles have been giving me a not-so-subtle reminder of every second I’d spent with my body naked, pressed against Logan’s. I never knew it would be like that and?—
“Holy shit, are you in cock shock or something?”
My eyes squeeze shut for a count of three before they pop open. “W-what?” It’d already made me nervous to bring this up, but her question takes me to another level.
“Cock shock, Rya. When it’s so big you hardly know how to deal with it, so you go into a state of shock.”
I scrape my teeth over my bottom lip, searching her face for any sign that she’s pulling my leg. “You made that up.”
Hazel rolls her eyes. “Did not.” Her nose wrinkles, and she catches the corner of her mouth with her teeth. “So… was it”—she lowers her voice conspiratorially—“really big?”
I huff out a breath as the churning in my stomach resumes. “The size of his dick has nothing to do with what’s wrong with me. I think you’re missing the point.”
“If you say so.” She nibbles on her lip as we begin walking again. “So, what is the point, then? ”
“We haven’t spoken since it happened because I’m confused and nervous.” And … she put doubt in my head, and it makes me feel awful for even considering Logan would do that to my room just to drive me back into his arms.
“Is that because you think I’m right?” She arches a brow.
I shake my head, whispering softly, “It’s because I’ve made a terrible mess of everything, and now we won’t ever be the same again.” It’s because my heart is breaking.
A while later, I’m in my room getting ready to head to class when I hear a door open and close down the hall. I glance at my phone, reading through the texts that’ve come in from Logan since the night we were together.
Hey, Ry.
I just woke up, and you aren’t here.
Wishing you were still in my bed.
Then, even though he hadn’t heard a peep out of me—because I was wigging out—he sent another.
Getting on the bus to head to BBU.
Talk soon? You okay?
He’d tried to reach me one more time before the game. I draw in an uneven breath as I read the confusion in each word he sends.
So, we’re on the field, warming up now.
Game starts in 20.
Call me, would you?
I need to hear your voice.
It makes me feel like shit that I hadn’t called—haven’t said a damn word—and the texts had stopped coming in after that… even after the game was over and the team was at a hotel for the night because of the shitty weather. I am nervous as fuck about how Logan and Jaxon managed their stay in the same room.
Then, like an idiot, I’d added another heap of trouble to my plate with that video call with Jaxon. There is a massive battle being waged in my head and in my heart. The Logan I want to believe in versus the Jaxon I’m only beginning to know but that I like very much. In completely different ways, they each give me what I need. Jaxon has a knack for taking my mind off things. He’s fun to be around. Exciting. Logan is like a soothing balm to my soul. So kind and caring. My person.
How I’ve gotten myself into such a tangled web, I don’t fucking know. When Jaxon kisses me, I feel a fire inside me. And Logan, he was all my wildest dreams coming true… until the nasty dose of reality Hazel had given me.
I don’t regret the video call. It’d been hot, and my mind had been relieved of thinking about what to say to Logan. And like some twisted weirdo, I’d wondered what would happen if Logan had come back to their room in the middle of all that. That had me so turned on, I couldn’t help but comply when Jaxon asked me to show him what he’s been missing. That half-hooded, smoldering gaze of his had been my undoing. I couldn’t see anything from the middle of his abs down, but from the way the muscles in his arm were flexing and contracting, he had to have been jerking off to the sight and sound of me touching myself.
But then… reality had steadily crept back in. I really like Jaxon, but his relationship with Logan makes this so difficult, I don’t know what to do. Or why I feel like this toward not one but two men. Because, until Hazel put shit into my head, I fully admit to myself—I’d wanted them both. But now she has me questioning what lengths Logan would go to in order to ensure Jaxon can’t have me, even though in my heart, I don’t believe it to be true. My gut twists angrily as I continue to process .
Even so, I trust Hazel’s opinion… and what if her instinct is right? Even if Logan had nothing to do with the upending of our room, there’s no way he’ll go for me continuing to see Jaxon. Either way, the writing is on the wall—there is bound to be some fallout, and I’m terrified I’m going to lose the best friend I’ve ever had, all because we let this get messy. The cracks in my heart only grow and spread with every second that passes.
I’ve fucked everything up by thinking it’d be a good idea to be with Logan as more than a friend. We never should have crossed the line. It was really stupid of me to go there. Groaning, I let out a nervous breath. I need to talk to Logan in person.
I poke my head into the hallway, then slip down to his room. I’ve just raised my hand to knock when the door flies open. Logan’s face registers mild surprise when his eyes land on me.
“Rya. Where’ve you been?” He rakes one hand through the tousled mop of hair on top of his head, peering steadily at me for a few moments before wrenching his gaze away. His tongue slips out to wet his lips. “I’ve been texting you.”
“I—” My gaze darts behind him to Levi, who’s sitting at his desk. Swallowing convulsively, I murmur low, “I need to talk to you.” I want to ask him about the game yesterday and how he felt, but I don’t know how to do that with everything else weighing so heavily on my mind.
“Um, yeah. Okay.” Logan reaches out, takes my hand, and tugs me into the room. I glance at Levi, but he has his earbuds in and is drawing on his iPad. I really wish he weren’t here. My thick throat doesn’t allow me to voice that thought, though, so I glance from him to Logan and back.
Logan leans close. “He can’t hear us. Watch. Levi.” Then louder, “Levi!” Nothing. Not even a hint that he’s aware of Logan calling his name. My friend—though how much longer I’ll be able to call him that remains to be seen—gives a subtle shrug.
Even if Levi is occupied, I’m hesitant to speak. This definitely isn’t a conversation for anyone else’s ears, so I swallow, then step closer to Logan. Reaching for his hand, I take it in mine, and… he smiles. My heart can’t handle it. It throbs in viciously sad beats inside my chest. I blink up at him through a sheen of tears.
Logan stares curiously into my eyes, watching the play of emotions on my face as a cloud of concern falls across his. “Rya? You’re scaring me.” I try and fail to form words. My chest rises and falls quickly, a sure sign of my anxiety over the entire situation. My skin feels so tight it could burst, and I bite down hard on my lip, swaying toward him, because despite all the confusion of the last few days, Logan is my safe space.
Out of nowhere, and with his back still turned to us, Levi growls, “If you’re gonna fuck, could you warn me so I can get my stuff and go to the shower?”
My brows shoot up, and I suck in a sharp breath. What the hell? Logan shoots me a pained apology as he mutters, “No fucking, man. Just talking. Didn’t know you could hear us.”
“Sure could,” Levi chuckles humorlessly, without looking at us. “By the way, when I walked in the other night, it smelled like hot sex and bad decisions in here.”
Heat infuses my face, and the tightness in my chest is nearly unbearable. Oh my god. It smelled like sex? I squeeze my eyes shut as embarrassment flashes through me, causing my to ears buzz.
Logan exhales harshly, “Fuck, man. Could you be any more blunt?”
Plucking his earbuds from his ears, he shoves them in his pocket before setting the iPad on the desk and pushing to his feet. “Nah. I call ’em like I see ’em.” He finally turns with a shrug, eyeing the two of us. “And you can’t tell me I was wrong. I see it written all over your faces.” He wets his lips as he grabs a towel hanging off the rack on the side of his wardrobe. “I think I’ll go shower anyway, despite your insistence that there’s nothing between you. Besides, seems like some sort of awkward conversation is about to happen.” With that, he throws the towel over his shoulder, grabs his shower caddy, and walks out.
Cringing internally, I wonder how he sussed that out, because he’s not wrong, even if Logan hasn’t figured it out yet. My stomach pitches in my abdomen with everything I need to say to him.
Logan sighs, bringing up a hand to cup my cheek before tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Sorry about that. Levi is just?—”
I grit my teeth against the inevitable. “Levi. It’s fine. It’s just embarrassing that he knew.”
His blue eyes connect with mine. “Don’t worry about it. He’ll get over whatever his issues are. He’s been cranky as hell lately, so I don’t think that even had anything to do with us.”
I nod stiffly as he cups my shoulders to pull me to him, and at the last second, I hold out my hand, bracing it against his chest. The way he’s looking at me. I can’t. I can’t.
Sucking in a breath, I tear my eyes from his and blurt, “I think we should just be friends.”
My declaration is met by utter silence. Deep breaths.
Logan’s hands drop from me, and he looks down at his chest where my fist clenches tightly. “What?” he questions softly, his tone full of an ache that makes me want to cry .
I pull my hand back, wringing both of them in front of me because they’re shaking. “I don’t regret the other night. Us. Because it was something I’ve wanted for so long… and I was too scared to tell you because—” I draw in an agonized breath because the pain in his eyes is tearing me up. “I’m really confused about how you feel about me.”
“I thought I was pretty clear about that, Rya. I meant every word and every touch.” His brows draw sharply together. “I don’t understand where this is coming from.”
Swallowing convulsively, I blink up at this guy I’ve spent over a year pining for. The hurt and confusion in his eyes is enough to take me out. My next words scrape painfully up my throat. “You’ve thrown this curveball at me. I-I thought you were gay all this time that you’ve supposedly been my best friend. How did I not know? How could you not tell me? It’s not even the only thing you’ve kept from me, Logan.”
“I’m not.” His tone is flat as he stares off somewhere over my shoulder, and he doesn’t answer any of my questions or acknowledge that he never told me about Jaxon.
“I don’t understand.” The tension between us is thick. Unbearable. Finally, I summon the courage to ask him something I’ve wondered about for a while. “Did you know I saw you with a guy at a party back in high school?” I tip my head to the side as I chew on my lip and watch the way shutters fall behind his eyes .
He clears his throat. “No, I didn’t. I’m bisexual. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I wasn’t sure what you’d think. I didn’t want to ruin?—”
I blink rapidly, holding up a hand. “It really hurts that you never said something about it.” One hand flies to my chest, and I claw at my aching heart. “But now that I know, it might be worse. It was easier thinking I couldn’t have you because I wasn’t what you needed.” Breathing becomes more and more difficult, and tears fill my eyes, spilling over. “And maybe I’m not what you need. Or you’re still figuring things out. Logan, you’re everything I’ve wanted for so long.” My chest jerks, but I force myself to keep going. “How am I supposed to feel when I know you hid this from me? I don’t understand.” I shake my head slowly. Why would he never have said something, except that maybe he simply didn’t like me like that. And that just feeds into my biggest worry—that he’s using me to get to Jaxon. My head pounds, and my eyes slam shut. “Why didn’t you want me?” I whisper, my heart beating itself up with every truth I spill.
“I didn’t want to lose you.”
I open my eyes to find him staring woodenly at me with his jaw tightly clenched. It’s now or never. I need to get this last bit out, then I can figure out the rest later. “I’ve felt at times like… you’re using me to aggravate Jaxon.”
“What does Jaxon have to do with this?” he bites out. But when I study him, I know he has an idea of what I’m referring to already. And it’s clear he doesn’t want to admit it.
“I don’t enjoy being caught in the middle. I love you, Logan, but for the sake of my heart, my sanity… I just can’t with you right now. If that’s why you finally gave in and were with me… it’s upsetting.”
Logan’s gaze travels my face for a moment before his eyes crash shut. He’s forcing air in and out through his nose, and to me, the truth seems crystal clear. Tipping his chin toward me, he takes a deep breath. “What do you see in him, Rya? Tell me that.”
I wet my lips, realizing my Logan is gone. My lips tremble as I murmur, “It’s just easy with him.” More tears seep from the corners of my eyes. “Logan, I need to ask you something. It never would’ve occurred to me but—” I hesitate, unsure whether it’d help or hurt to mention Hazel was the one to bring this awful possibility to my attention. Exhaling harshly, I continue, “I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m so lost right now. So, I’m going to ask because the strain of not knowing is going to break me.” My heart squeezes painfully. “Were you the one who messed up my room?”
He jerks as if I’ve slapped him. “Why would you ask me that?” he grinds out.
Uncomfortable for maybe the very first time in his presence, I rub my sweaty hands over my hips. “I’m wondering if you didn’t like me talking to Jaxon… and maybe you thought I’d come running to you.” I swallow hard. “And I did.”
His chest inflates raggedly as he eyes me. His gaze is wounded. “If that’s what you think, then maybe you deserve him.” He doesn’t deny a word that I’ve said, instead calmly slipping past to leave me standing awkwardly in his room. A piece of my battered and bruised heart chases after him… but I can’t bear to follow.