Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
HALLIE
Guilt has been slowly eating me alive. Telling Gabe’s family the truth about our relationship made it even more apparent I need to do the same with mine. Despite all my fears, I can’t truly have a clean slate with Kevin if our foundation is muddled with lies.
Thankfully, Clara is very generous with her car. I could’ve asked Gabe to drive me to the mainland, but this is something I need to do on my own.
My phone buzzes in my purse, and I pull it out to check it. My heart thumps in my chest. I half expect it to be Kevin, telling me now actually isn’t a good time to come over. I’m a little disappointed when it isn’t, if only for my own self-preservation.
Gabriel
Hey, you headed back? I thought you finished work at three today.
Just running some errands on the mainland. I’ll be home in a bit.
Home .
I put up a valiant fight, but somewhere along the way, I lost the battle. For the longest time, the only home I had ever known was with Pops. Living with Gabe—letting him back into my life—has made me realize just how safe he makes me feel. Cared for. Loved .
Gabriel
Abbs is spending the night with my parents.
You better get your fine ass back here soon, Foster. I have plans for you.
A thrill travels down my spine at the promise. Not only do I feel loved by Gabe—I feel wanted. Craved. It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before, and one I wasn’t sure existed.
I tuck my phone away and look toward the house I’ve parked in front of. I recognize Caitlyn’s and Bryan’s vehicles in the driveway. I guess now is as good of a time as any . Might as well rip the Band-Aid off for the whole family.
Walking up to the door and knocking feels a hundred times more nerve-wracking than it did that first time. Part of that is because I don’t have Gabe here to hold my hand, but I also know it’s the dread of finally coming clean. Telling the truth.
The door opens before I’m ready.
“Hallie,” Kevin says with a smile, “come in.”
“I know you said it was fine, but I’m sorry for coming on such short notice,” I say, stepping over the threshold.
“That’s alright. You’re welcome here anytime.”
Not for long. Not once you know what I’ve done .
I toe off my boots, then follow Kevin into the kitchen. Caitlyn and Bryan are sitting at the island, squabbling over something. A smile tugs at my mouth—they remind me so much of the Bowmans.
When my gaze lands on Dana, my smile slowly falls. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Hi,” I say.
“Hello,” she says coolly.
“Hey, Hallie,” Bryan says with a smile. “Good to see you.”
Caitlyn hops off her stool and digs through her bag. “I got you something from Fiji,” she says. She and Amara just got back from their honeymoon there. “It’s nothing fancy, but it made me think of you.”
She holds a bracelet out to me. It’s made from different shades of purple beads, threaded into a repeating pattern. It’s beautiful.
And that does it. I break under the pressure of all the lies I’ve told, and the truth begins to force its way out.
“Thank you, but I…” I blink to hold back tears as I set the bracelet on the counter. “I can’t.”
Caitlyn’s expression falls. “You don’t like it.”
My gut churns. “No! I love it, I swear. But I don’t deserve it.”
Kevin and Dana have stopped their conversation now. Four pairs of eyes settle on me.
“What are you talking about?” Bryan asks. “It’s just a bracelet.”
But it’s not just a bracelet. Not really. Caitlyn went on her honeymoon, and she thought of me . The half sister she just met. My siblings have welcomed me with open arms, and all I’ve done is lie.
I take a deep breath. “I want to start by saying that I’m truly sorry.
My intention was never to hurt anyone, but that doesn’t excuse anything.
I’ve been lying to you all, and I can’t do it anymore.
” I offer Kevin a sad smile. “Gabe and I…we aren’t really engaged.
His daughter got confused when I moved into their house because I needed a place to stay, and she accidentally started the rumour.
That day I met you at Dockside? That was the first I had heard of it. ”
“I…don’t understand,” Kevin says. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Why? Because I’m a coward . That’s what all of this comes down to, at the end of the day.
“When you heard I was engaged, you looked so happy. And I felt, at the time, that I didn’t have much to show for myself.
I wanted you to like me. To…want me. So I figured it wouldn’t hurt to pretend a little.
Only, now it’s become a whole mess and I never meant for things to get this far, and I’m sorry. ”
“So you and Gabe aren’t together?” Caitlyn clarifies.
I debate how to answer this. “We are now. It’s…complicated. He and I have been orbiting each other for years, and we finally gave in. But engaged? No.”
My fingers twist together in front of me as I wait with bated breath for someone to say something. I’ve shocked them, but I know the anger is coming. I brace for the impact.
Finally, Dana scoffs. “We should have known better. You know what her mother is like.”
“ Mom ,” Bryan chastises.
“Well, it’s true, Bryan. She seduced your father, and now look what’s happening.”
I’m not sure why, but it’s this comment, above all the others, that breaks my resolve. For years , I’ve held my tongue when people have made snide comments about Amanda. About me. But I’m done feeling small.
“Forgive him or don’t. That’s your business,” I say to Dana. All four of them look a little stunned at the force of my words. “But I will not be made to feel less than for choices I had no hand in making. What I did was wrong, I won’t deny that, but I’ve been treated no better by you.”
Dana rears back like I’ve slapped her.
“I can appreciate that this situation is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too. But I didn’t ask for any of this. So if you can’t accept me based on some moral failing you think I have, simply based on who birthed me, then that’s fine. I won’t bother you anymore.”
My monologue has rendered everyone speechless. I wait a beat, to see if Kevin or my half siblings are going to say anything. When they don’t, I turn on my heel and slip out of the house.
No one stops me.
I don’t look back.
The familiar numbness sets in on my drive home. Every disappointment, every failed visit from my mother has prepared me well for this. The only way to get over these feelings is to ice them out. So that’s what I do.
Or what I try to do anyway.
Confidence is a finicky thing. I used every ounce of it back at that house, and now that it’s gone, there’s room for self-doubt to come trickling in. My mother’s voice isn’t far behind.
Amanda Foster hasn’t come out of life unscathed. But instead of owning her issues, confronting them, she blames them all on Pops. On the men she’s been with. On me. And after years of internalizing that, it’s hard to separate her opinions from the truth.
In a daze, I pull into the driveway behind Gabe’s truck.
Thankfully, Clara will be swinging by later to pick her car up.
If I had to see her right now, she would definitely know something is wrong, and I don’t have the energy to convince her I’m alright.
It’s bad enough I’ll have to face Gabe so soon after that epic showdown.
I shut the front door quietly behind me, hoping Gabe doesn’t hear. I need another moment to compose myself. But when I hear his footsteps coming down the hall, I silently curse.
“Hi, beautiful,” he says, and even that hurts.
Everything hurts.
“Hi,” I reply. Despite how much I try to mask it, that one syllable is fraught with despair.
As it turns out, telling the truth isn’t enough to wash away the guilt. The shame. I feel dirty for letting him pull me into his arms, like I’m still using him.
He starts kissing me, and I try—I try so hard to kiss him back. But I feel hollow, like my soul has been sucked from my body. Every movement feels robotic.
Men don’t stay with women like us .
Gabe draws back, his brows furrowed. Concern mars his handsome face. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, trying to pull his mouth back to mine. “Nothing,” I lie. All I do is lie .
He doesn’t let me get far. “Hallie, I can tell you’re not with me right now. What’s going on?”
Tears spring to my eyes. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I know you had plans for us and?—”
“Hey.” He cups my cheek, brushing away a tear that manages to fall. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to have sex with me if you’re not up for it. I love spending time with you, Foster. It doesn’t matter what we do.”
Doubt still swirls in my mind. “Are you sure? I’m sorry. I can?—”
“Hallie, baby, no more apologies. There’s nothing you need to be sorry for.” Gabe’s arm drops from my waist, and he grabs my hand. “Come with me.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to sit on the couch and watch a movie. And later, if you feel like it, you can tell me what has you thinking so hard over there.”
I think my feet carry me to the living room, but it feels like I’m floating the whole time.
Gabe nudges me to sit in my usual spot on the sectional, and then he drapes a blanket over my lap.
My fingers curl into the plush material as I watch him turn the TV on and queue up our movie.
When 10 Things I Hate About You starts playing, my eyes burn.
The last time we watched this together was the night of my eighteenth birthday party. I had never been happier to ditch Clara and our classmates in favour of curling up against Gabe’s side.
Now as he settles beside me, I feel terrible for the comfort he brings me.
For the plans I ruined. Gabe already doesn’t get to spend as much time with his daughter as he’d like.
She’s staying with her grandparents tonight because he wanted to be alone with me, and now he can’t even do what he wanted.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He places a kiss on the crown of my head. “I’m not. I’m living eighteen-year-old Gabe’s dream right now. Couldn’t be happier if I tried.”
I look up at him, skeptical. “Your dream was to watch movies with me?”
“No, Foster. My dream was to call you mine.”
Mine .
I cast my eyes downward as I rest my head against him. And I let myself have this. Indulge in it. Because I can already picture it slipping from my grasp, just like my mother warned me.