21. Now
Chapter 21
Now
I t’s mid-afternoon by the time I peel my eyes open in my childhood bedroom. I’m holding Hyla, who has forgiven me for leaving her in a stranger’s company for the night once I climbed into bed and offered her little spoon. She is not a big cuddler, save for when she can find a warm, sunny spot she can bathe in.
“Hey, baby girl, do you want belly rubs?”
Hyla rolls over onto her back as if she’s doing me a favor. Maybe she is.
I glance at my phone. No missed calls. I fire off a quick text to Mama, asking if there’s any update on Dad and when visitors will be allowed. I don’t know if I can face him, but if something happens and I don’t …
I used to think I’d feel relieved with him gone because he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. But now? Now that I know he’s been sober and turned his life around? On the other hand, in his grand quest for turning over a new leaf, I haven’t been a part of it … he hasn’t called. He hasn’t asked to speak to me when Mama’s reached out. He hasn’t hitched a ride with Nana and Pop on their visits up north. My lungs constrict, and I gasp for air, trying to steady myself.
MAMA: “Sounds like it’s still gonna be a while.”
I exhale. I don’t have to figure out a plan right now.
“Hey, Hy?”
Hyla snuggles further in bed.
I pull back the covers and see her looking at me from the corner of her eye, but she doesn’t get up until after I’ve changed into fresh clothes and grabbed my running shoes.
“What do you think, girl?”
From the incessant jumping and tail wagging, I know she’s on board. I grab my earbuds right as the doorbell rings. “Hold that thought.” I bolt down the stairs and swing open the front door.
Carrie is standing on the porch in a long, black maxi dress, hair pulled up into a messy bun, and arms full of grocery bags.
I step aside to let her in, and she puts the paper bags down to pull me into a tight hug.
I cling to her. “Oh, I’ve missed you.”
“You’ve been gone far too long.”
When she pulls back, I gesture to the bags. “What is all this?”
“Oh, you know, a little something and nothing at the same time.”
We head to the kitchen, and she unloads meals into our freezer while I put a large bouquet of lilies in water. I inhale the soft, sweet aroma. “This is so sweet of you, Carrie.”
“Oh, this is nothing. Your family was there for me endlessly when I lost Eric.”
I avert my gaze.
She points at me. “Including you.”
“I don’t know how much I was there then … I stayed away from it all and then left town.”
Carrie clicks her tongue. “Oh, sweetie, I know my son pushed you away. Stupid boy.”
I glance at the firefly on my wrist: a token of the promise we both made—and broke. “It wasn’t all him.”
She pats my hand. “He’s grown up a bit. Listen, all of this to say: life is short. Appreciate the time you have with who you have. They won’t be there forever.”
“I love you.”
“Love you more. Alright, well, I should get going. Tell your mama I’ll call her later to check in, okay?”
I nod and walk her to the door, considering her message: Appreciate the time you have with who you have. They won’t be there forever.
Putting in my earbuds, Hyla and I head out for our run. Hyla’s leading the way on what’s become our traditional path, making the couple of turns we need to get to Main Street. We take a pit stop past the high school to pick up a few dandelions before continuing.
It’s barely three o’clock, and the bar is packed. Jase seems to have made a name for himself, which can be hard to do in a town like Sloane. I’m sure Lindsay was there every step of the way. The jealous pangs are as fresh and strong as they were the day I found out they were a couple.
Hyla and I turn around back and run down the alley right as the bar’s back door swings open. Jase hurls a bag of trash into the dumpster and catches us as he turns to the side. His head tilt is cuter than I’d like it to be. He crosses his arms and lets me start.
“Hi.” I’m a little breathless. Good start.
“Hi,” he echoes.
We stand there, staring at each other, waiting for the other to say something more. Taylor’s singing in my ear about forgetting Calvin Harris existed, and while I can normally relate, standing in front of my ex, I’m having thoughts that are anything but hate or indifference. After six years, I haven’t been able to forget about him … or how important he once was to me. Last night made that abundantly clear.
Hyla barks once and pulls me toward Jase.
Well, this is new.
“Hi to you, too.” Jase bends down to pet Hyla.
“Seems like you made quite an impression on my dog,” I remark.
Jase smiles from ear to ear and scratches my pup’s butt.
“Careful, keep treating her like that and she’ll get dog hair all over your black uniform and not think twice about it.”
“Oh, that’s okay, right girl?” he asks Hyla as she rolls over for belly rubs. Jase complies. “I doubt you came here for me to give all my attention to your dog,” he adds hopefully.
Hyla looks at me with puppy dog eyes while getting the belly rubs of her life. Can we keep him?
I shake my head. “We were out for a run.”
“Uh huh, and you always run past the front of the bar … and behind it?”
“Oh, I, uh …”
“Kay.”
I shift my feet, take the buds out of my ears, and pull a bundle of dandelions from my pocket. “I wanted to thank you for taking me to the hospital last night and staying. I know you could have been home with your family instead.”
His eyebrows scrunch together in a look I don’t recognize.
I hand the flowers to Jase, and the second his hand touches mine, it sends a shock right through me.
He shuts his eyes and inhales. He felt it too. For all that I don’t know about him now, I still know him. He knows me, too. He understands me in ways no one else does or could.
“Come inside with me?”
Hyla stands, ready to follow him.
I need a minute and move side to side to think.
“Don’t overthink it.” Jase grins at me. “Come on, I want to show you something.” He takes my hand and leads me through the doorway.
My other hand is holding Hyla’s leash. “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” His eyes shine.
Hyla’s tail wags.
The butterflies in my stomach overpower my logical brain. I follow Jase, and my heart beats quicker in my chest. I shouldn’t get attached. It’ll only lead to getting hurt again, but I can’t help it: I love Jason Cole— loved. Loved Jason Cole.
“Hey, Jimmy,” he says.
“Boss.” Jimmy nods as Jase walks us behind the bar to a latch in the floor.
“Jade’s Jimmy?” I eye him a little closer. He’s tall, built, and has a buzz cut and caring eyes. He’s cute.
Jimmy grunts and Jase keeps moving.
On the wall right by the bar is a picture I haven’t seen in years—one of us as kids, catching fireflies. “Jase.” I point at it in awe.
It clicks: the picture, the name: Firefly Lounge, him always being here, Jimmy calling him ‘Boss’—Jase doesn’t just work here.
“Jase, is this your bar?” I think back to the first time I stopped in here with Amy. There were signs, and I missed them.
“Yes.” He looks back at me.
“No, no, no, let me rephrase. Is this your bar?”
“Yes.” He points to the liquor license above the photo of us. Jason Cole. He swallows. “Although technically, it’s our bar.”
Dazed, I turn to him. “What?”
“Come on.” He opens the hatch to reveal a set of steps leading to a wine cellar.
“Oh, I don’t think Hyla can go down there …”
Hyla flies down the old wooden steps like she’s done it her whole life.
“What were you saying about Hyla?” Jase smirks.
I purse my lips and follow him down. I’m met with an immediate chill from a drop in temperature, but it’s not unwelcome. The mostly gray space has a large wine block in a third of the room, with a variety of vintages lined floor to ceiling. The rest is almost apartment-like, with a small couch pulled out into a bed, a desk by a tiny basement window with ample light sneaking in, and a kitchen bar with a humming mini fridge.
“This is not what I expected down here.”
Hyla sniffs around, and Jase finds her a bowl for water.
“What did you expect?”
“A bunch of cobwebs, honestly.” I laugh. “It’s … nice.”
“Thank you.” He places the flowers on the desk as he walks by. He folds the couch bed back in. “I thought you’d like it.”
I sit next to him on the couch. “Ooh, this is even comfy for a throwaway couch.”
“Why do you think it’s a throwaway couch?”
“It’s in a wine cellar … oh my God, do you live here? I’m so sorry.”
Jase shakes his head. “You’ve been to my house.”
I narrow my eyes, “Not an answer.”
“I don’t live here, but sometimes I do stay the night if it gets too late.” He pauses. “I’m not with Lindsay, Kay.” His voice is a little higher than normal, and his jaw clenches. What isn’t he telling me?
“Oh?”
“Oh,” he repeats plainly. “In fact, I haven’t been with Lindsay in six years … and not even then, if I’m being honest.”
I feel the heat rising to my cheeks. I want to ask him why and what happened, but I’m scared to know the truth.
Jase blinks at me but doesn’t say anything.
“What?”
“You don’t know?” He studies my face. “You don’t know.” His voice turns serious.
“Know what?” I raise my eyebrows and cross my arms to fight the sudden chill. Must be from the cellar. The chill sends shivers down my spine. Not the chill in Jase’s voice, not that, never that. “You and Lindsay were ...” I can’t say it.
He steps closer and stares intently at me, not breaking eye contact. His voice cracks. “When my dad passed, I fell into a deep depression. Lindsay asked me out, and I said yes, because I thought she could distract me from … everything.”
I blink away.
He continues, “We went out a few times, but it didn’t mean anything.”
I shake my head in disbelief.
“Everyone, including Lindsay, knew I was wrapped up in you. Jack invited you to the party thinking if I saw you, I’d come to my senses. He was partially right. When you left, I ended it, but it was already too late.”
Standing, I pace back and forth, trying to process what he’s telling me. I run my fingers through my hair. “You let me believe you moved on like that.” I snap my fingers together. “Like we meant nothing to each other.”
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he sighs. “I was angry and scared. I lost my dad, and you were moving to New York. It doesn’t excuse anything, but I was a stupid kid. I was lost and didn’t know what to do.” Jase’s eyes plead with me to believe him.
I try swallowing the lump in my throat. I try to get the night, the whole conversation with Jase and my dad’s insults out of my head, but I can’t. They’re right there, taking up space. I only love your mother.
Jase shoves his hands in his pockets and bows his head. “Listen, Kay. I was young and dumb back then, but I’ve grown up since then. I bought a bar.” He gestures around him.
I follow his gaze, taking it in. “You bought a bar. You’re practically an adult,” I joke.
He snickers. “Well, yes, but I meant I bought a bar to get my life on track. It also reminded me of you. The wine cellar is what sold me on it—it’s a safe place to think, write, and be.”
“To write?” Why would he get the space to write? Oh, my God. He got it for me to write, in a safe place, in Sloane. Jase is several feet away from me, but piecing together his admission hits me like a punch to the gut. “You bought this bar for me?” I blink back the tears starting to form behind my eyes.
“I mean, it’s not New York or anything, but yes, I bought it after your dad stopped drinking. I figured he wouldn’t want to come in here and see me, and I was hoping he wouldn’t want to see me enough to actually stay sober.” His voice breaks.
He bought this bar to try and keep my dad sober and keep me safe from his abuse. Of all the beautiful things he’s done for me, this is … this is beyond comprehension. I can’t calm my beating heart … nor do I want to.
I rush to close the gap between us and hop up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. He holds onto me. I’m not thinking about what to say or do next, and he knows it.
“Kay?”
I tie my hands around the back of his neck. “Shut up and kiss me, already.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He wiggles his eyebrows and closes his lips over mine.
In that moment, every wall I’ve carefully constructed over the last six years crashes down like they’re hit by a tidal wave. All that matters right now is him and me. Us. We’ll deal with the rest of it later.