Chapter 16
Theo
“Miss where do babies come from?”
Oh fucking hell .
I always knew that that was the dreaded question that every parent prayed they’d never have to answer. I guess I didn’t realise that it could also be a potential question that a teacher would have to explain too.
I’d been hanging on by a thread this morning, not going to lie. I’d followed Astrid’s morning plans as best as I could, but no matter how hard I tried, these 4 and 5 year old devils just wouldn’t bloody listen . I’d show them something on the board and they’d all immediately try and tell me that something was wrong, a little boy called Isaac stood up and audibly declared that my Gruffalo drawing was a piece of ‘poop.’ Admittedly, I’m glad he ended the sentence with that word, rather than a more exotic choice, but the sentiment was still the same. I’d tried to read them a story and they’d all either completely shout over me or they’d critique my character voices. One child shouted that they needed a wee, but I remember Yaz mentioning briefly before I started registration, that we don’t allow them to go to the toilet unless they ask nicely. I was about to say yes, when Yaz clocked my eye and shook her head, the kid wasn’t asking nicely I guess. They continued to shout in desperation until a wave of “ Ewww’s!” echoed around the room and the smell hit my nostrils. The child had pissed themselves, and now the liquid was trickling in a pool right down the middle of the carpet.
“Go to the toilet Esme!” Yaz shouts, completely changing her tune from earlier. “I’m going to get some carpet cleaner and paper towels to clean it up, move them all from the carpet and sit them at the tables.”
Was this what Astrid’s regular day-to-day working life was like? This chaotic?
Who was I kidding, of course it wasn’t. She was an incredible teacher, if any of her mountains of ‘best teacher’ presents she received every Christmas were anything to go by. Myself on the other hand, this felt like complete foreign territory for me. It didn’t come naturally. Thankfully, we were nearly approaching lunch time, so I just told the kids to find themselves a seat on the tables and either play with the Duplo, trainsets, or colouring sheets that were already laid out over the tables, (makes a mental note to thank Astrid for being over-prepared). I thought this morning had been enough of a test, but this afternoon’s observation was going to be the real kicker for my patience. I was worried. I’d just about managed to scrape by this morning, mostly with Yaz stepping in at every angle to pick up my mess, so God only knew how I was going to somehow summon the holy-teaching-power of Astrid and convince the headteacher that she was the same teaching connoisseur that she’d always been.
◆◆◆
“Well that was…an interesting morning.” Yaz says, over a mouthful of crisps.
I’ll say. There was no way in hell that she wasn’t already onto me.
“I’m just feeling really nervous about this one.” I mumble, trying my hardest to stomach my sandwich.
“Astrid, it’s literally going to be the same as all the rest. You’re in Debra’s good books, that’s more that can be said for the rest of us.” I don’t miss the look of disappointment as she finishes that sentence .
Somehow, knowing that Astrid was a rare favourite of Miss James, made the idea of teaching in front of her all the more nerve-wracking. I didn’t want to ruin that for her.
“Anyway.” Yaz breathes, readjusting herself in her seat, “How have things been since the wedding? Has the wicked witch of the west said anything since?”
I didn’t need to be Astrid to know that she was referring to my mother. Did they really call her the wicked witch of the west? I knew Astrid didn’t like her, but I didn’t know it was enough to garner bitching and name calling with her friend.
“Uhm, no. She just got on with the day and went off to Cyprus for their honeymoon. Haven’t heard from her since.” I mumble, trying my best not to get into bitch-territory about my own mum.
Yaz squints her eyes, looking like she doesn’t quite believe me. “And how’s it been with Theo since the couple’s counselling? I hadn’t heard from you much over the holidays Hun, I was starting to worry I’d pissed you off.”
I could hardly tell her that Astrid’s radio silence was nothing to do with being peeved and a whole lot more to do with being body swapped with her partner .
Still, I didn’t want Yaz to be upset or think badly of her. I needed to set things straight. “No of course not. Just had a lot on my mind lately. The couple’s counselling was okay, she asked us to spend some quality time together, so we went to Giovanni’s.”
Her face lights, “Ooo! The place where you went on your first proper date? How romantic! Theo decided that?”
I try to ignore the element of surprise in her voice as she questions how I could make a romantic gesture like that. “Yeah he did.”
“So, how was it? Did it help?” She pushes, nervously twiddling her thumbs like she was about to see the plot twist in a soap opera.
“Uhm” I whisper, do I lie, or do I tell the truth here. “It wasn’t great to be honest. We got in a fight.” A fight that ultimately led to us being catapulted into one another’s bodies, but that was for another day.
“Again? What’s he done this time?”
I felt a slither of anger rise through my chest. I knew Astrid would always paint me as the bad guy, she always did. I mean, I guess it was stupid of me to assume she’d own up to any of her own part in the problem. She’d throw me under the bus as usual .
No. This time I was going to do what she always should have done. Take responsibility. “I’d drank too much; I got pissed off. We both said some things in the moment, but I basically insinuated that I wanted to end things, and then I stormed off into the toilets for half an hour.” There, the truth was out in Black and White. I bet if the real Astrid had been asked the same question, she would have conveniently missed the above parts out.
“Oh Hun, I’m so sorry to hear that. Have you?...” I can tell she’s reluctant to ask if we’ve officially broken up, not knowing whether it’s a sore spot or not.
I shake my head. “Let’s just say we’re trying to re-learn one another right now.”
◆◆◆
I feel like I’m a scared little kid again as she walks through the door with her nose turned up and her icy stare. She was the sort of headteacher you’d read about in a book, the stereotypical hag who looked like she’d boil you down and eat you for dinner.
“I presume you have everything planned as usual?” she asks in a drawn-out, posh accent. One that sounded like she belonged to the royal family.
“Correct.” I gulp.
“Good.” She breathes out, her stone face not moving an inch, “Well when you’re ready, please proceed and pretend that I’m not here.”
It was go-time. Astrid had literally given me the blueprint. Now I just needed to build it. The class topic was ‘The Deep Blue Sea’, so she’d told me that she was incorporating that into the math’s lesson that was going to be observed.
I’d dressed up as a pirate, much to both Yaz’s and the children’s humour. I sat them on the carpet, (that I had frantically sprayed with Febreze to mask the smell of piss), and just as Astrid had planned, I began whipping out the plastic crabs out of the bag.
“Ahoy Me’Hearties!” I bellowed in my best Blackbeard voice, making the children roar with laughter, “We are going to be learning today how to count in two’s!”
“ YAY!” The chorus of children sang, at least I knew I had them on board. If you’ll pardon the pun.
I begin placing the crabs in groups of two on the floor when one of the children suddenly grabs one of the crabs and lobs it straight at one of the other children’s heads. Trust them to play up for me now .
“No thank you!” I shout, “We have kind hands with our friends. What do you say to Lucy?”
“ Sowwy.” the little shit said. There, crisis averted.
“Right. Back to counting yer’crabs-”
That same kid had now somehow managed to sneak into my other bag and started lobbing toy sharks at my head, giggling frantically with every pummel.
“That’s enough Jonah!” I wince as I try to pick up the remaining sharks. This kid was singlehandedly ruining my lesson. What the fuck did Astrid do with ones like this? Where was the chokey when I needed one?
My eyes flicker to Mrs. James, her expression unreadable. At least she didn’t look pissed I guess.
“Jonah.” I whisper, having to bite my lip as hard as I can, “If you don’t stop, there won’t be any golden time for you at the end of the day.”
“ NOOO!” He screams, standing up from his chair and kicking me straight in the crotch. I’ve never been more grateful for my missing penis. Then, just to add to his crazy rampage, he slaps me round the face and swipes the pirate hat from my head, putting it on his own, and running around the room, both laughing and crying, you know, just like the devil’s spawn he was.
Yaz is frantically doing laps around the room trying to grab him before he comes face to face with me again. He jumps on my toes, landing with his full bodyweight. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he’d broken Astrid’s toes right now. He then starts singing at the top of his lungs, “Yoho, Yoho!” and the rest of the kids clearly find this hilarious as they all instantly pry themselves up from the carpet and start skipping and singing along with him. That was it. I’d lost complete and utter control of them now; I don’t think there was any hope in getting them all back. I tried desperately to call them all back down to the carpet, I tried ringing the bell, I tried doing a Simon-says. Hell, at this point, I’d even give them my right arm just to get them to sit back down. But it was no use, Yaz flashed me the most sympathetic look as she tried to herd the children, and Mrs. James expression was still unreadable.
“Are you pregnant miss?!” Jonah squealed hilariously, adding that final nail to the coffin. I wasn’t even a woman, but now I understood the sheer embarrassment of being asked whether you were pregnant when you clearly weren’t.
The gloves were coming off now, it’s like the wires in my brain weren’t even connected to my body. “Right you little Ginger shit, sit back down now! You think you’re so funny and clever, but you’re ruining my lesson and you’re making me very SAD!” I boomed. “So I suggest you take my pirate hat off, bring back those toys, stop messing around and sit your snotty nose, fat ass down, NOW.”
Oh god. I hadn’t realised the repercussions of what I’d just said until Mrs. James stood up from her chair and grabbed me firmly by the arm, ushering me out of the room. “Continue with the lesson Miss Singh, I need to talk to Miss Cartwright for a moment,” she said, turning her head towards a gob smacked Yaz and an equally, gob smacked class who had miraculously sat down after my outburst.
Once we’re outside, she slams the door shut, immediately craning her head towards me. “What on earth do you think you’re doing Miss Cartwright?! In what universe was that even remotely appropriate?,” she spits out, her tone laced with venom.
Not having a clue how I was going to get back from this, I stumble. “I-Uhm- Debra I’m so sor-”
“That’s Mrs. James to you, don’t you think?” She squawks, interrupting me. So we weren’t even on first-name terms anymore, great.
Gulping, I add, “I don’t know what came over me. I was just nervous and worked up. Jonah wouldn’t stop and I just got overwhelmed an-”
“We’re not blaming the child for your outburst, surely ?”
“You saw him in there!” I squeal, getting on the defence, “He was literally attacking me, and I didn’t see you step in!”
Jesus, I was just making things worse.
“Oh, so it’s my fault now is it Miss Cartwright? Finding everyone to blame but yourself for your foul language and disgustingly unprofessional behaviour.”
I couldn’t actually believe this. Sure, maybe I shouldn’t have insulted and sworn at a literal 4 year old. But they also shouldn’t have been allowed to physically abuse me and get away with it either. Was Astrid hurt like this on the daily and just expected to deal with it? It was horrendous.
“I tried the whole reinforcement malarkey, and it didn’t work. You shouldn’t be allowing kids to hurt teachers like that without any repercussions, it’s disgusting.” I add firmly, holding my ground.
“Then you try other methods!” she screams, pointing an accusing finger in my face, “if he reports your behaviour to his parents, we’re done for as a school! This could be in the paper!”
I swallow down the thick lump in my throat and the anxiety starts to reap it’s head once again. “Look. I’m sorry. I lashed out and it was wrong. There needs to be some real changes with regard to sanctioning though, that’s for sure.”
Shaking her head and tutting, “and I think there needs to be some real changes with regards to your employment with us as a teacher, Miss Cartwright.”
Wait. What did she mean by that?
“What are you saying?” I ask, nervously.
She sighs, “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to let you off with something as serious as this Astrid.”
I’m desperate now as I realise that I’ve potentially just had Astrid fired, “But you’ve done loads of observations of me and never had a problem before! I’ve never had any complaints and if I acted like this on the daily, you’d have been told by Yazmine or other teaching staff.”
She looks contemplative, biting her lip like she’s considering what I’ve said. “Right. Here’s the deal. You’re going to have another chance to do an observation again. But it’s one, and one only. Any mistakes, hiccups, or outbursts, and you’re out that door. ”
I nod, shaking with relief that she’s given Astrid another chance.
“But I am going to have to put you on a temporary suspension for now. You clearly need time to cool down. Also, if there’s even a small chance that Jonah tells his parents, or if even one of the children repeats the event to theirs, all pitchforks are going to be heading straight for you. So I need to make sure that we as senior leadership can deal with it first if that happens and put things right.”
That sounded like a fair deal, but I knew Astrid would be absolutely livid if she knew that she’d been suspended, even if only temporarily.
“Can I ask how long the suspension will be and when from?” I whisper, looking more at the floor, than her.
“It’s imminent. I want you to pack your stuff, leave now. Let’s give it about a month, and see where we’re at.”
A month!
“But what about wages, what about the kids, who will teach them?”
“Let me worry about the kids. I’m sure Miss Singh can take over for a while until we find a supply. I presume you’ve got all your lesson plans to hand. As for wages, you will still receive full pay until you return.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, at least I know that we’d still have money coming in. “Thank you Deb- I mean- Mrs. James.” I meant it.
She nods, “Don’t make me regret this Astrid.”
With Astrid’s job hanging in the balance, I now knew with absolute certainty that there was only one way that the situation would ever be rectified. We had to find this bitch and get our bodies back. Pronto.