Chapter 33
Astrid
“ Wow.” I breathe as we arrive back at the house.
I couldn’t believe he’d done that. It was about time . He literally mic-dropped Maggie. Her face was hysterical. Granted, she probably thought I was even more psychologically challenged now than before after hearing ‘me’ talk about myself in the third person. But none of that mattered to me right now. All that mattered was that Theo took a stand and fought my corner like I’d always hoped that he would. It made me feel supported and appreciated, finally.
Did this mean that something had changed? Was he having second thoughts about us?
It had only been 24 hours and I was already hating this new living arrangement. Sleeping without him felt wrong on so many levels, and I couldn’t believe that I was saying it, but I even missed his snoring. I missed the safety of finding his warm arm perched over my stomach in the night or the scent of musk and pine from his hair. When you sleep next to someone every night of the week, they might as well become a part of the bed itself. He was the soft linen sheets against my skin, my thick throw blanket on a cold winters morning, the crisp side of the pillow. There wasn’t an inch of the bed that was free of his scent. I breathed it in and immediately felt safe. So turning over to find his side vacant felt like a gut punch, acting as a stark reminder that things had changed. It was like waking up from one of the best dreams you’d ever had, feeling nothing but emptiness and a lack of fulfilment for the rest of the day. Why did it take all of this shit for me to finally realise that?
Theo grabs a glass from the cabinet and pours himself some pinot before pointing to the bottle.
“I’m good thanks.” I insist, I wanted to talk to him with a clear mind.
Awkwardly coughing, I speak, “Theo, what you said to Margaret-”
He shakes his head, “It was nothing.”
It was as if he’d poured me a glass of water because I was thirsty, he was acting that nonchalant about it. It meant more to me than he’d ever know, and I was quickly getting the impression that he didn’t want to talk about it.
“It wasn’t nothing.” I add, taking a seat opposite him, “Thank you for doing that for me. She needed to hear that…and so did I to be honest.”
He raises an eyebrow as if he’s going to reply, but then he just takes another sip from his glass .
“Are you still angry with me?” I ask seriously. I wasn’t saying it to cause an argument, I just needed to know.
Clearing his throat and setting his glass down, he finally replies, “Astrid I don’t know what you expect me to say. Yes, I stuck up for you in front of mum. Not that it even had the impact I wanted it to because she thinks I’m you.” A flicker of annoyance crosses his face as he says this, “she was completely out of line and I’m sorry. I would feel awful if your mum were saying the same crap to me. But to answer your question, yes. Trust me, I don’t want to be angry. I’m exhausted with feeling angry, but I can’t just read nearly 3 years-worth of slander about me and be fine with it in 1 day.”
It was taking everything in me not to get down on this floor and pray for forgiveness like a pathetic idiot. “Did you want to do another session of couple’s therapy? See if we can explain what happened?” There I went with the groveling.
He grimaces, “I think we’re beyond that now unless you fancy having a session with her every day of the week and breaking the bank.”
I’m struggling to balance the line between anger and sadness right now, “Did you not find last night hard? I found it awful without you . I could barely sleep. ”
Sighing, he replies, “ Of course I found it hard.”
“Then let’s try and sort this! Maybe this is what Darla meant.” I plead, cursing myself for getting to that point.
His face sinks, “Astrid, I just can’t. Reading that has stirred up way too much shit. I don’t know what you want . I don’t know what to believe and what not to. I don’t want to keep kidding myself and self-sabotaging, it isn’t fair to either of us. Maybe we’re just past our sell-by date.”
No. I wasn’t having that. That couldn’t be how this ended.
“ Past our sell-by date? What are we, fucking milk?!” I scream, “You always complained how I was the queen of holding grudges, yet here you are, doing exactly the same thing.”
He cracks his knuckles, not meeting my gaze.
I continue, “this is our life Theo. We can’t make rash decisions on a whim.”
Piping up, he replies, “this isn’t some ‘ rash’ decision like deciding whether to get a chippy or a Chinese for dinner, we’ve been in this constant state of battle for over a year now Astrid.” He coughs, “…and even more for you, clearly.” He mumbles under his breath and I don’t miss the snark. “I just need time. This is all way too much right now.”
At least there was one thing that we could agree on. Everything was far too much. Not wasting a second longer, I stand up from my stool, and leave.