26. Chapter 26
Long after he”d set the grocery bags in the kitchen, and long after the initial wave of emotion — shock, relief, confusion — Eunjae still couldn”t settle on how he felt about his brothers’ arrival. He struggled to contend with the nagging notion that this should be simple. Jungwoo and Max were here. He loved them. He”d missed them. So he should be glad to see them, right?
But he wasn”t. The joy of seeing them was tempered by a creeping apprehension that filled him with shame. And then there was annoyance, even a glimmer of rage. Eunjae battled the urge to push Jungwoo and Max back outside so that they stood on one side of the door and he stood on the other. This place is mine. You don”t belong here.
And yet, Eunjae didn”t belong in the life he”d been borrowing, either. His brothers were a physical reminder, an encroachment of reality. That was what he resented, Eunjae corrected himself. Not Jungwoo, not Max, but the impossibility of his situation. This truth that he would never be able to outrun.
“Why do they keep calling you Ryan Kim?” asked Jungwoo. The three of them sat in the empty dining room, at the same corner table where Eunjae had eaten on Waffle Wednesday. The shades were drawn and the door had been locked. Muffled voices could be heard in the adjacent kitchen as the Hans restocked their fridge and pantry for the Sunday rush.
“I mean, it”s not like hyung could give them his actual name,” said Max, sounding scornful and superior in the way only a fresh-faced twentysomething can manage. Not wanting to tell the whole rambling story, Eunjae nodded his head in agreement. This proved somewhat challenging with Max’s arms draped around his neck.
“Sure. That makes sense. Smart of you, really.” Jungwoo reached out to swat at Max, who swatted right back at him and continued clinging to Eunjae like a barnacle. “Let go, you big baby. Weren”t you just yelling at him the other day?”
“I never did that.”
“You kind of did,” said Eunjae, but he made no move to displace him. “How did you find me?” he asked Jungwoo.
“You mentioned a door like the one in that book. There aren’t many interesting doors within walking distance of where we went on our last day. It was trial and error from there.”
Max said, “We tried to come by in the morning but it was way too busy. Couldn”t risk it, even with the masks on.”
Eunjae kept his eyes on Jungwoo. “Hyung, I told you that I need more time.”
“Yeah, and I wanted to find out why. What could possibly make you act so crazy all of a sudden? This isn”t like you, Ari.”
The kitchen door swung open just a crack. Jiyeon peeked out at them. “Time to go home,” she called to Eunjae. “Oh, or I can come back for you later. Whichever.”
Jungwoo flinched at the word home. Then,Denny’s voice ricocheted through the sliver of open doorway. “I don”t care if they claim to be his brothers. They could be anybody. I”m that idiot’s employer, I”m responsible for him —”
Eunjae made a valiant effort to get up from his chair. Jungwoo intercepted him, though. He walked over before Eunjae could pry himself free of Max.
“Hello,” Jungwoo said, taking Jiyeon by the hand and drawing her fully into the room. “I wanted to thank you for taking care of my brother.” To Eunjae”s bewilderment and Max’s disgust, he gave her the most dazzling of his smiles. “I”ve explained it all to your mom and brother, but Ari’s coming back with us tonight. I’ll make sure you guys are fully compensated for being so kind to him.”
Jiyeon looked over at Eunjae. Then she carefully freed her hand from Jungwoo’s grip. “It cost us nothing to be kind to him,” she said firmly. “You can keep your money. We’ll keep Eunjae.”
“Eunjae.” There was a discordant note to Jungwoo’s voice as the name rolled off his tongue. Turning his back on Jiyeon, he let the dazzling smile go out like a light. “You told her that name? Why? Who is she to you?”
Max released him, confounded by how drastically their reunion had iced over. Free to move, Eunjae pushed past Jungwoo in order to reach Jiyeon.
“It”s okay,” he told her, even though he felt the exact opposite. “I”ll meet you outside. Just give me a few minutes.”
She cut another glance at Jungwoo. With no small amount of trepidation, she said, “Alright. I’ll be at the car when you”re ready.” And then Jiyeon slipped away, the silence acquiring a bladed edge in her wake.
“I”m not going with you,” Eunjae said.
“That”s enough,” Jungwoo snarled back at him. “This is done, okay? Game over. You’ve had your fun, you’ve had your little adventure, but you’ve gone too far. You’re taking it where I can’t follow.”
“What the hell are you even saying?” Max blurted out. “Is this about the girl? You can’t be upset that he might be dating someone in secret. That would make you the king of all hypocrites, hyung. It’s not like we don’t know what you’ve been doing with Hazel behind the company’s back.”
“Ha. Sneaking around with her is nothing compared to what he’s doing. If I get caught, I get caught. Emerald will deny everything, I”ll get slapped on the wrist, we wait for the media to shut up about it and then we move on. But Ari’s mess,” said Jungwoo, glaring fiercely at Eunjae, “won’t be so easy to clean up. There’s no moving on from that. And there’s no turning back, either.”
Eunjae refused to concede. “You’re acting like it would be the end of everything, but it doesn’t have to be.”
“So you”re admitting it, then? You”re telling me that I”m right, and you — you”re —”
Here, Jungwoo faltered. So did Eunjae, because he had failed to anticipate the full measure of how much this would hurt. It was a pain that cleaved flesh and shattered bone. It was a sorrow that filled his lungs and threatened to drown him.
“He”s what?” demanded Max. “Quit fucking talking around me like I’m not even here!”
“Leaving.” Eunjae forced himself to look Max in the eye as he said it. “I want to leave, Max.”
“But you already left. You”re here, aren”t you?” And then understanding dawned, bringing unwelcome clarity. Max removed his baseball cap and slumped into a booth, stunned.
Jungwoo shook his head in disbelief. “How can you even be considering this? After all these years of working so hard to get here, you just want to give up? Ari, for god’s sake. This is our dream. It’s been our dream since we were kids. Are you telling me that it means nothing to you anymore?”
It was never my dream.
This thought struck instantaneously, a spark devouring dry tinder, and then it went up in a blaze. Eunjae felt half blinded by the truth of it. “It was never my dream,” he whispered. Jungwoo heard him loud and clear. Eunjae could tell by the way he staggered backward, as if the sentence was a violence enacted physically.
They stood in the same room. They stood a thousand, thousand miles apart.
“This can’t be real,” said Max, looking younger than ever. “I never thought this would happen to us. I never thought one of us would want to leave. Is it something we did to you, hyung? Are we the problem?”
Eunjae gave him an emphatic denial on that count, but Jungwoo said, coldly, “This isn’t about us. This is all on Ari. We could support him in every way, be strong when he’s weak and pick up the slack when he needs a break, but the willpower has to come from him. And right now, he’s decided that he can’t take it anymore. Right now, he’s making a mistake.”
As he made this declaration, Jungwoo took out his phone. He chose a name from his contacts and began composing a message. Eunjae”s heart sank as he realized what was happening.
“I can”t let you do this. As your brother, as your best friend, I have to stop you before it’s too late.”
“No. Please, Jungwoo.”
But he sent the message anyway. Now the company knew exactly where to find them. Made cruel by grief, Jungwoo echoed Jiyeon”s words from earlier.
“Time to go home.”