Confessional
janae
Richmond
April 27
I sat cross-legged in the green-screen space in the corner of my hotel bedroom in Richmond. “The calls and comments about my bipolar diagnosis have been so overwhelmingly supportive. I never thought I would ever feel comfortable enough to share this with you all. The speech at ASMI was from the heart. I impulsively made the decision to be honest after an argument with Landon. I can say that we are seriously contemplating a relationship. Whether he realized it or not, he made me own up to what I thought I was hiding . He could clearly see how much pain I was in and still wanted to be there for me. I can never thank him enough for being my biggest support during this new part of my ever-winding journey.
“I asked the producer not to be in here during this recording because I didn’t want his presence to alter my thoughts in any way. To be in this place, where I’m admitting that I have the darkest days, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. Something I don’t believe I ever have been. I’ve got trust issues that stemmed from not knowing my father or having a good relationship with my mother, which makes being vulnerable with Landon or anyone hard.” I paused and nodded to myself slowly. “The only reason I’m being this honest now is that maybe I can help someone who’s been where I’ve been or where I’m currently at right now. Maybe you’re feeling so down and heavy that you don’t want to live anymore, just don’t want to exist, and you have to cut or hurt yourself in some way to know that you’re real.”
I stared at my arms and wrists. “I have eleven tattoos. Five on my arms and wrists and two on my thighs to cover the scars of wanting to matter. If my testimony can help, I don’t want anyone else to believe that they have do this to themselves. It’s not healthy, and it could lead to your wanting to take your own life. Talk to someone you trust, even if it’s not your parents. A teacher, a therapist, or your neighbor. Just tell someone that you’re tired of the pain.”
I glanced around my luxury hotel room from the king-sized bed with the Egyptian sheets, the ornate light fixtures, the plush beige chaise longue, and the large balcony. “I know I’m more blessed than most, so maybe my so-called charmed life may not resonate with some of you who are doing their best to survive every day. All I can say is don’t give up the fight, even when everything in you is demanding that you do it.”
Resting my head on my knees, I lamented, “There are some trolls who have called me a liar and said that I’m hiding behind my mental health to excuse my behavior. Those types of comments were what kept me from living my truth. I had to accept that no matter how much I’m honest or whatever advocacy I do for mental health, some may always believe it’s a publicity stunt. And I can no longer worry about those people.
“For too long, I walked around with this facade that I was okay. I might have seemed strong and didn’t give a fuck. I really did care. I played around with love and got my heart handed to me by a man who wasn’t perfect and had his share of women but loved me the best he could. I thought I had to be hard, and even when I started this whole journey back in Houston, I slipped into being MILA instead of Janae. I don’t want to be that lonely woman anymore, and I believe I’m finally on that path.
“We are almost halfway through this tour, and I can’t tell you how I feel so blessed.” I wiped my eyes. “I’m already changing in ways I never imagined. Spending every day with this phenomenal group of people is shaping me to be a better person… the best person.
“I love Atlanta in so many ways besides peaches and the ten-minute ovation.” I winked, thinking of the hot sex I’d had. “Jammed in Charlotte, and Richmond chanted our name. New York is next with the Big Apple in April. Spring is in bloom. We’ll be in Landon’s and The Hollow Bones’ hometown for almost three weeks. We may have a surprise or two up our sleeves, and I can’t wait.”
I waved at the camera. “Until next time.”