Chapter Twenty-Five
janae
May 8
“We can’t use any of these,” I said as I reviewed the photographer’s computer screen in Landon’s office at his brownstone. Although he and I had made an attractive pair in various romantic and passionate poses from our shoot earlier that day, Landon had never fully relaxed, and it showed in the photos.
His hands were fists beside me. “I told you I didn’t want to do this.”
“And it shows. You look like you hated every minute.”
The photographer said, “I can edit some things to make the pics work.”
Landon stared at his hands, his jaw and mouth tight. He’d wanted to make me happy by agreeing to the shoot, but I’d done nothing to make him comfortable beyond suggesting his home as the shoot location. He was himself in this space more than he was in any space I’d seen him. We could do better in the photos, and we would.
I asked the photographer, “Can you come back in maybe an hour, two tops?”
The chic woman, whose hair remained stiff no matter how often she moved, looked around at her lighting equipment and the young male assistant. We’d been at it for hours. Hours I knew that worried Landon after he’d told the band he wouldn’t miss any more rehearsals. “We can take a break.”
I walked them to the front door. “I have an idea. Once you get back, you can tell me if it works.”
Landon stood at the window in the office, staring out at the quiet Harlem community. “Sorry.”
I propped my phone up on his desk, facing the window, and placed it on a timer to take multiple shots. I walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his taut waist, and rested my head against his back. “I’m sorry for expecting you to be anyone other than yourself. The woman was a stranger.”
He looked back over his shoulder and smiled.
“God, I hope my phone caught that.”
Landon’s brow furrowed, and he glanced at the desk.
“Don’t be mad.” I got on tiptoes to kiss his lips. “I think we should take each other’s pictures.”
He tilted his head while I left him to pick up my phone and show him.
I grinned as we looked at what the phone had captured. Landon’s stoicism, which seemed indifferent on the photographer’s lens, presented as pride and strength in mine. The way I held on to him was like a woman who knew who she was and what she had in him.
“This is love.”
Landon’s breath caught. “Beautiful.”
“Exactly.” I held my phone up. “Think we up to it?”
He picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder. “After we have sex.”
We laughed, and I snapped pics of us as he carried me to the kitchen. He placed me on the island and settled in between my legs. Landon took my phone out of my hand and snapped a couple of shots. “We label this one a woman about to be eaten out good and then sexed in the kitchen.”
I laughed, taking off his hat and bandana, running my hands through his wild hair, and wrapping my arms around his neck as he eased my panties down my legs. He jerked me to the edge of the island, kneeled before me, wrapped his arms around my thighs, and indulged in my clit for lunch. My head flung back, I caressed my rigid nipples through my dress as his tongue played sensual music with the most intimate part of me. Being sexual loosened Landon up.
After a steamy romp in the kitchen, we took turns capturing on camera who we were and our growing love in various states of undress. When the photographer returned, she clapped in delight at the deliciously sensual photos we’d taken of each other. “I won’t have to do that much to get these ready. And you just used your phones?”
Landon hugged me from behind, and we both nodded.
She smiled, lifted her camera, and snapped. “Perfect. Del wants to see the photos. Are you giving him permission to use any of these shots? I can probably sell some of them to other mags, but they’ll want an interview.”
I rubbed his forearm. “Not quite ready for an interview. As long as I can post one of my favs on IG and you give us proper credit, you and Del can use any of the photos the way you see fit.”
“This isn’t The Hollow Bones,” Landon reminded us. “This is me and Janae.”
The woman nodded with the biggest smile, and her bob finally moved. “That’s clear on these photos.”
May 9
The following night, I stared at the sky through the glass ceiling long after Landon had drifted off to sleep. I couldn’t see the stars with the clarity I could down south, though the sky was just as vast and awe-inspiring.
My mind hadn’t been quiet since New Orleans more than a month ago. None of the relaxation and meditation practices I’d learned in the last three years seemed to help. Or maybe my mind couldn’t relax between this new relationship, the buzz with this tour, and navigating the balance between the guys and Landon. I missed Dr. K and her reassuring and comforting advice. Like a true professional, she’d emailed me a list of coping strategies and wished me well two days after I’d ended our therapeutic relationship.
Landon shifted on his side, facing me. I wanted to smooth the lines on his forehead without waking him. Landon didn’t sleep well, either. He was restless and moved constantly, though his breathing remained slow and deep. Maybe it was because he wasn’t used to having a warm body in his bed every night. Or maybe he couldn’t rest because we had a single dropping tomorrow, and photos of us that would be plastered across the internet for all to see. Or maybe he didn’t fully relax because his unconscious self held on to the nervousness he attempted to hide with his hat and his music.
Returning my attention to the universe, I fluffed my pillow and rested my head on it. When would be a good time to tell him about my history and all of my present? What would Landon say when he found out that I’d used alcohol and drugs to help with my moods and not just to perform? Or that as much as I hated it, I may need medications to function somewhat normally? Would he still accept me once he knew that I’d been diagnosed with bipolar after my suicide attempt that my old manager and ex had kept from the press?
I hadn’t just disappeared from the music world. I’d wanted to disappear, period. I might not battle cravings for drugs anymore, but I fought against my darkness and irritability whenever people around me moved slowly while I moved fast. I worried that the beautiful man lying next to me, who contemplated everything he did, wouldn’t understand my need to operate on instinct and impulse.
“When’s the last time you really slept?” His eyes were closed, though his finger traced my neck and shoulder.
“Don’t worry about me.”
“No choice but to worry about you.” A small smile graced his lips. “When, Janae?”
“Remember? I can go days without sleep.”
His eyes slowly opened. “There are times I’ve seen you sleep. Is it just the ebbs and flows of your condition?”
Now would be the perfect time to tell him everything. Would everything include what happened when I was a teenager?
“Yep,” I answered instead. I was becoming the poster child for bipolar but was still afraid to be completely honest with the man in my bed every night.
“You need to sleep,” Landon insisted. “I noticed you’re more jittery than you normally are these past few days.”
Shit . “I’m good.”
“You’ve been snappy,” he said quietly.
“When? I thought I handled the photoshoot well.”
“It’s the in-between times. Like you make decisions for us because you don’t have the patience to wait for me. You decide what we eat and where we go. Give me a chance to respond.”
I resisted saying something that I couldn’t take back.
He smiled. “Right now, you want to curse me out.”
“I really do.” I popped his shoulder playfully.
“Tell me.”
I turned on my side and laid my head on the crook of my arm. “You’re careful in every decision you make. It really is okay to just do it.”
“It’s also okay to take a moment.” Landon stopped tracing circles on my skin.
“A moment or an hour?” I gripped his wrist when he removed the hand touching me. “Don’t get mad. You know I’m telling the truth.”
“Not mad. Trying to figure out how we can have a middle ground. I don’t want you to feel like you have to answer for me. I allowed Cedrick to do that for me way too long. It’s why he’s having trouble accepting that you are the one I turn to now.”
I raised my head slightly. “Hmm… I just realized you act on impulse when you believe I need protecting.”
He chuckled. “According to Cedrick, I’m Captain Save-a-Ho.”
I frowned.
Landon quickly pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back. “I didn’t mean it like it sounded, or that he’s ever called you out of your name. One of the first women I was with had been needy, and because I was excited to finally be in a relationship, I ignored the signs that she only wanted me because she saw my moneymaking potential.”
“I do need you. I’m that needy woman who wants to be with you all the time.”
He kissed my forehead. “I need you too, but you’re not needy. You have a mind of your own, and you’re determined to get what you want whether you have a man or not.”
“My ex wouldn’t agree with you.”
“Well, I’m not him.” His heart beat faster against my cheek.
“Landon, he doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. He hasn’t in a long time. It was a toxic relationship, and he was just smart enough to leave me first.”
“Is that why you wanted to take those photos? To show him that you can move on, too? To compete with his pics with his new woman?”
I wryly commented, “Looks like we’re never going to sleep. Might as well get up.”
“I’m still tired. We can talk later.”
I twirled one of his curls around my finger. “I want to braid your hair while we talk.”
Lines appeared on his forehead again. “Right now?”
“Yep.” I walked to his closet and donned one of his T-shirts. I then went into the bathroom and grabbed a large tooth and rattail comb and oil from my bag. I sat on the bench. “Grab a couple of pillows and sit between my legs.” At his hesitation, I said crossly, “Boy, I’ll wash the pillows. Get down here.”
“Okay, Snappy Susie.” He grabbed the pillow and slid from the bed, easing onto the floor between my legs. Naked.
“You won’t get cold?”
“Naw.” He kissed the inside of my thigh sending warmth through me. “I must love you to let you touch my hair.”
My heart skipped at least five beats at his offhand announcement of loving me. Did he really mean it? Of course he did. Landon was intentional in anything he ever did or said.
I took a calming breath before I casually asked, “When’s the last time you went to a barber?”
He exhaled, relaxing into my touch. “I cut my own hair when it gets too long.”
“Didn’t answer my question.” I sounded like Dr. K, so I softened my tone. “Why don’t you want anyone touching your hair?”
“I don’t know. Just never liked it. I remember crying whenever my father brought me to a barber. He got so tired of fighting with me and punishing me that he stopped when I was about nine. I allowed my mother to clip the ends or cut when my hair grew too long. I rocked the post-COVID Trevor Noah look before it was popular.”
I smiled, rubbing my hands together to warm the oil before threading my fingers through his thick curls. “I love your hair. Just think it needs some TLC.”
He let out a low, contented moan. “That feels good, Nae.”
I chuckled. “Is that your nickname for me?”
“I’ve been trying to find the right one.”
“See what I mean? All that thinking when you can say what you feel when you feel it.”
He leaned back tilting his head to meet my gaze and smiled. “I just did. It popped in my head and I said it.”
“Oh…”
“Like I just told you that I loved you because it felt right.”
Suddenly, my tongue was thick with expectation.
His eyes danced as he stared up at me. “It’s all good with me if you want to take your time before you tell me you love me back.” He added, “You look funny at this angle.”
“What am I going to do with you?” I laughed, lowering my head to kiss him.
When I started to pull back, he gently cradled my neck, holding me in place. “Just accept me.”
I nodded, my fingers tightening in his hair before he released me.
Taking the rattail comb, I started parting his hair gently through the tangles. “I wanted to take those photos for the reason I told you. I want to show the world what love looks like. To show the world how much I love you. The old me would have wanted to post pictures to be petty and show Adam that I’m good. Who I am now wants to show the world that I’m good and have a good man.”
“I love how you slid that you love me in the midst of explaining why you wanted the photos.”
“You think I’m afraid to tell you straight up how I feel?”
“Nope. You have no problem expressing yourself. I’m the one who struggles.”
I kissed the newly exposed part of his scalp. “Not with me. I’m so glad you’re getting used to my being in your space, because I plan to be around for a long time.”
Landon’s shoulders relaxed, and he let his head rest against my thigh. I combed his curls, gently working through the tangles.
I had never known this kind of peace before.