Chapter Thirty-Two
landon
June 13
Janae had been partially right about my reluctance to travel to Austin with her. It wasn’t just about the city. Being in her space meant adjusting to a world that clashed with my own.
Her condo was stylish and modern, filled with personality. It was also overwhelming. She loved bright colors, bold art, and decorative pieces that seemed placed on a whim. My head spun just looking at it.
And she was messy. Not dirty, just disorganized. Clothes draped over furniture. Shoes scattered in places they shouldn’t be. Half-full water bottles left behind like she had meant to finish them but got distracted. She insisted she had been too busy traveling to call her housekeeper, but I suspected otherwise.
Janae wasn’t careless with money, but she managed three properties and had accumulated debt over the years. She never seemed worried about it, but I had a feeling she was not as comfortable as she let on. Sooner or later, we would need to have a real conversation about finances.
I paused at the thought. I had never gone this deep in a relationship before. Did I even have the right to ask about her money? Was offering financial advice overstepping? At what point did her problems become ours?
Part of me wanted to combine accounts and build something together like my parents had. Another part of me knew it was smarter to keep our finances separate, protecting both of us from any future conflict.
I sighed and rubbed my temples.
Janae was right about another thing. I hated change. But here I was, standing in the middle of her chaotic and colorful world, trying to figure out how to make space for both of us in it.
I strummed my guitar on her balcony, hoping I wasn’t disturbing anyone. Four days in her space had left me feeling restless. In my own home, I played whenever I wanted, but here, I hesitated out of concern for her neighbors. The unease had been constant since we arrived in Los Angeles, except when she was in my arms.
I hated how much I needed her. The thought of losing her made it hard to breathe. That night, when I thought she was ending things, my heart felt like it had stopped. I stayed calm on the outside, but inside, the panic was suffocating. If she had walked away, I don’t know how I would have handled it.
I rarely had episodes anymore because I had learned to manage them. Keeping my environment controlled helped me stay balanced. But my life had never included someone like Janae. She was unpredictable, impulsive, and constantly challenging the stability I relied on. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold everything together.
The door behind me opened. I glanced back to see Cedrick step outside, smiling as he dropped into the chaise longue across from me.
“Frankie and Janae just left for the store to grab a few more things for dinner,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. “The store? Did she dress to blend in?”
Cedrick grinned. “Not at all. She wants all the love in Los Angeles.”
“Glad I’m not with her. Her fans are vicious, and it’s worse when we’re together.” I shook my head.
“How are you holding up?”
I shrugged. “Day by day.”
“The attention is only going to get worse once our album drops. Are you up for it?”
“Do I have a choice?” I quirked a brow.
“Naw, bro. Get used to it.” He smiled as he crossed his ankles.
“You seem happier now. You and Frankie a thing? Because I thought Janae just invited you over to eat dinner with us.”
“We’re not exclusive or anything. Trying her out for a while.”
I chuckled. “She’s not a car.”
“I see the impact Janae has on you, and my parents have been in the marriage game forever, still loving each other. Maybe it’s time for me to start getting serious, and Frankie is good people. She’s not caught up in fame and works hard for her brand. She likes her independence, and I like that about her.”
“I like her for you. She won’t take your crap.” I pushed his arm playfully.
“Just like Janae won’t take yours. She pushes you better than I ever did.” He gestured to my hair, which Janae had braided down again. “You used to wear the hat even in the house. You move around the stage more. You’re taking pictures and smiling more. Traveling on planes just because she asks.”
“I hadn’t really noticed…” I started strumming my guitar again to avoid more conversation about me.
“Some things are still the same,” he commented ruefully.
“What do you think about this chord sequence?” I asked.
Cedrick nodded. “I like it.”
“Not sure if it’s for me or Hollow.”
His forehead puckered slightly. “Going solo on us?”
“No, not sure this music fits Hollow. Besides, I can’t go on that stage by myself.”
“You’ve been on stage with just Janae.” She and I had performed “Fallen Star” at a late-night show in a small club in St. Louis.
“It wasn’t easy. I’m most comfortable with Hollow Bones.” I held my fist out. “I’m not going anywhere, Cedrick.”
He bumped my fist. “You’ve been soaring above us for a minute now, and I’m here to tell you it’s okay if you do. Whether you’re with us or on your own, we’re always your brothers.”
I hugged my guitar to my chest. “I’m not leaving the band, and even if Del pushes for me to go solo, it’s not going to happen.”
Cedrick nodded slowly. “And it’s okay if he does and you want to.”
“Why do you keep insisting? I told you how I feel.”
“You and Janae have been asked to open a special Grammy event in November. They had someone else in mind to do it, but they want you two now. Janae Warner, featuring Landon Hayes. Del told me first because he wanted to clarify that he wasn’t trying to break up the band and asked me to talk to you.”
“No,” I answered without thought, and started playing again.
Cedrick was silent for a long time before saying, “You’re going to lose her if you don’t get help.”
“Help? What do I need help for?” Painful discomfort rose inside me, and I couldn’t temper my tone.
“You once told me that your parents didn’t really see you. They tried to make you something you’re not.” He met my glare with determined eyes. “I’ve been doing the same thing since we met. I adjusted to you and how you needed things to be a certain way, and the band followed because we love you. Acceptance also means being honest when you’re hurting others. Every time you have a panic attack, or whatever you want to call it, it hurts me, bro. It feels like you’re dying in front of me. It takes me a while to recover to see you like that. I walk on eggshells, hoping not to set you off. That’s not living for me or for you.”
I gritted my teeth. “I’m sorry I wasn’t lucky enough to have two parents who loved me unconditionally, sorry that my father hit my mother when he couldn’t control her and only seemed to love me when I did what he wanted. I’m sorry if that fucks with me.”
Cedrick dragged his hands over his face. “Stop blaming everything on your parents. You haven’t lived with them since you were sixteen. You can’t keep living carefully because you’re afraid to break. I can’t keep being there for you when you won’t help yourself.”
I slammed my guitar down on the balcony. “You don’t have to do shit for me.”
Cedrick swung his legs to the side of the chair and sat up. “Naw… naw, fuck you. You don’t get to tell me that I don’t have to do shit for you. I’ve been protecting you, looking out for you, and refusing to take projects because I knew you couldn’t handle it, or at least you believed you couldn’t handle it. You want my help when you’re struggling but reject it when I say something you don’t like. You walk around like this honorable man who doesn’t lie, smoke, drink, or fuck around, judging the rest of the world. But the truth? You’re scared to live, scared to truly get help, hiding behind your phenomenal talent. That’s a bad look, Landon.”
I glanced toward the door and back at him. This wasn’t Cedrick. “Be honest, it wasn’t Del. Janae put you up to this. Is that why she invited you to dinner… to have some sort of intervention for poor Landon?”
“No. This is all me. Janae made me realize how I didn’t push you to be better. She made me believe that change is possible.” He gestured to the door. “That woman was out there bad three years ago wilding out, cursing out people, breaking contracts, and fucking around on a man who seemed to love her. Now all she sees is you. She kept her word to us and to you. She’s shown up every single time. It hasn’t been easy when she’s snappy with us, Frankie, and Jeri, but she’s trying. Reaching out to her therapist and distancing herself from us when she needs to. Both of you are soaring right now, and if you don’t check yourself, she’s only going to fly higher and leave you to crash and burn.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I spat. “She needs me now, and one day she won’t. I’ll deal with that day when it happens.”
Cedrick narrowed his eyes. “You really prefer her helpless and needy and not strong and independent? Wow. You don’t want her to get better so you don’t have to change.”
My chest heaved up and down, and I wanted to protest, though my words were lodged deep in my throat.
He stood. “I’ve always looked up to you, even with your ways. Proud to call you my best friend and brother. Right now… at this very moment, I can’t say that because you’re nothing but a coward. Give my apologies to Janae. I lost my appetite.”
He walked back inside, and I slumped down in my chair.