Chapter Thirty-Four
landon
June 15
I stared in the mirror of my dressing room. The guys were joking and teasing each other behind me, the usual antics to get rid of nervous energy before a show. If they’d noticed that Cedrick and I were distant, they didn’t say. We hadn’t addressed our conversation on Janae’s balcony or the cathartic cleansing in Del’s studio yesterday, subconsciously deciding to be cordial and respectful for the band’s sake.
I stared at my attire for the show. My Alexander McQueen harness black shirt and black pants had been designed and tailored at Janae’s request. The Hollow Bones were all wearing variations of red and black. Janae would rock a white suit with a custom red-and-black hat. This was a big night for her. She’d been restless since we arrived in town, and nothing I did soothed her.
Or maybe there was something I could do. Cedrick’s words reverberated through my mind.
I removed my hat and ran my hands over my cornrows, then inhaled and started taking out one braid.
I caught Cedrick’s widened eyes in the mirror, and he stepped closer. “You need help?”
I nodded.
He started on the other side. “We better hurry.”
Santiago rubbed his hands together. “I’ve been dying to touch this dude’s hair.”
The room went silent, and we all looked at him with raised brows.
“Come on, don’t act like I’m the only one. He has pretty hair,” Santiago reasoned.
We all shook our heads in laughter, and I smiled at the reflection as Cedrick and Santiago started undoing my braids. “Someone needs to take a shot of this. I don’t know when I’ll go on stage without my hat again.”
Cedrick frowned. “Fuck no. Don’t want my alpha male card taken away.”
“Oh, that happened. Already posted to our IG.” Brian laughed from behind us.
“Charles, get him,” Cedrick demanded.
“Why? I’m not in the picture.” Charles started blowing his trumpet.
A rapid knock on the door interrupted our teasing camaraderie.
Brian opened it to an upset Jeri, who sobbed, “It’s Janae. She’s a mess. She won’t get up off the floor.”
My heart dropped to my stomach and I left the room without thought to my appearance, needing to get to her. When I hurried down the hall past staff and guests to her dressing room, her cameramen were outside filming, and I yelled, “Shut them off now.”
I rushed into the room, and she was balled up in the corner, rocking, tears destroying her makeup. She was in her bra and panties. Her vulnerability sliced through me like a blade. Frankie, also crying, clutched her hands together helplessly.
“Give me her robe,” I demanded, my voice hoarse.
With shaky hands, Frankie tossed me the satin robe, and I wrapped it around Janae, sinking onto the floor beside her. “Nae, come on, baby. It’s okay. I’m here.”
She didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge me. The blankness in her eyes gutted me. She wasn’t here. She’d checked out.
“Did you take anything?” I asked, gripping her face gently.
Frankie shook her head. “No, she was already nervous. Her eyes were jumpy, and her hands trembled so much that I told her to hold them together. Then her mother visited her, and when we came back into the room, she was like this.”
Her mother. Of course.
I grabbed her face and shook it slightly until her eyes focused on me. “I’m here now. Remember, I’m your life jacket. Grab on and don’t let go.”
Fresh tears flowed down her face. She wiped her runny, reddened nose with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
“Shh… shh… You don’t need to apologize.” I wiped her tears with my thumbs. “We can walk out that door and go home, okay? If you can’t perform, it’s okay. I’ll pay whatever we owe.”
She shook her head violently. “Nooo… Then they’ll hate me again. I have to… I have to…” Janae shook in my arms. “I need something, Landon. Please. I need something. Just this one time.”
“No. You don’t.” I held up her coin around her neck. “You don’t need anything but your talent and me. I can hold your hand and stand next to you. Whatever you need. If you want to go on that stage, we’ll go.” I pulled at my hair. “I wanted to surprise you and wear my hair like you love. Please, it will be okay. It’s just a show.”
Janae’s eyes were wild and fearful as she weakly smiled and touched my wild strands. “Beautiful.”
“I love you, and I can be strong for the both of us. Okay? Come on. You don’t need drugs,” I begged her, wiping impatiently at my annoying tears.
Cedrick said from behind me, “We’re due on stage in fifteen minutes. We can delay if we have to, but we got to get her ready to go on.”
Without breaking my gaze from hers, I grunted. “Forget this show. I’m taking her home.”
“We can’t cancel this close to showtime.” He kneeled beside me. “Listen, Janae, can you sit on a stool and sing? We can say that you’re feeling under the weather. We can do this.”
“I need something. I… can’t go on that stage… like this… and… they already hate me… I have to prove my mother wrong. Why does she hate me so much?” she wailed, and began scratching her wrists and forearms.
I gripped her face tighter. “Doesn’t matter how she feels about you. Everyone in this room loves you. We are your family now. Look at me. I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore, do you hear me?”
“I do… baby, I do…” She patted her face, then looked at Cedrick. “Can you give me something… just in case I can’t pull it together?”
My blood ran cold at how she’d dismissed my undying love and replaced me with Cedrick. I dropped my hands from her face to grab my chest and protect it from the raging pain. I sagged against the wall, forcing my stomach not to empty its contents.
Cedrick glanced at me and then back to her. “I can’t, Janae.”
“Yes, you can. I’ve seen you pop pills before we performed in Chicago.” She grabbed his lapel like a desperate addict, and I slowly rose on shaky legs, unable to see her like this.
“I don’t have anything,” he insisted. “We can sit here with you no matter how long it takes, until you can get on that stage as the Janae we’ve come to know and love.”
“Wait… Landon.” She hugged my leg and used my body to stand. “See? I’m already better. Don’t leave me, baby. You’ll see it’s going to be all right. Give me thirty minutes, and I’ll be ready. I won’t take anything. I just wanted to have something in case I couldn’t pull it together. That’s it.”
“The last time you had something ‘just in case,’ you took it,” I wearily reminded her.
Janae smiled brightly, though her darting eyes were still heartbreakingly dull. “The last time I didn’t have you. You’re right. I can do this.” Her eyes focused on something behind me.
Before I could turn my head to see what had grabbed her attention, Brian squeezed my shoulder. “Jeri will help you with your hair. Give us a minute with Janae. She’s too close to you, and both of you need the space. It’s going to be fine. If she isn’t ready to go on stage, we won’t go, okay? Now, take some deep breaths before you can’t hit the stage, either. I have a feeling we’re about to turn it out. She’s just nervous because she’s home.”
I looked around the room at Frankie’s, Cedrick’s, and Brian’s concerned gazes. We were a family, and they would help Janae remember that she could handle whatever came her way. Maybe I was placing too much pressure on her, too, and she could receive their comforting words better than mine.
Frankie straightened her shoulders and smiled at Janae. “We’ll hook this makeup right back up and throw a wig under that hat. Landon is going to get that hair right, and we’ll stay up all night after the show celebrating.”
Janae nodded and blew me a kiss. “Love you.”
“Love you more.” I tapped my heart with two fingers and walked out of her dressing room to a worried Del, Santiago, and Charles.
Del hurried beside me and whispered, “What’s going on?”
I said nothing until we returned to the dressing room while Jeri worked on my hair. “I don’t know if Janae will be okay, though she says she will be. Apparently, her mother said something, and it shook her. I don’t know what went down.”
“Have you met her mother?” Del asked.
“We were supposed to officially meet after the show.”
“Her mother is a piece of work. It probably wasn’t a good idea to allow her to see Janae before the show.”
Charles snorted. “No shit.”
Santiago looked at me in the mirror. “What’s our plan B if she can’t make it?”
“Janae is hitting the stage,” I reassured him. “Just might be sitting on a stool or maybe leaning against the keyboard or something until she gets her confidence back. We can start off with our songs, giving her time to relax. Maybe give them ‘Stuck Between’ from our second album. She’ll remember who she is once the crowd screams for her and the music hits.”
My cell rang. I picked it up from the vanity without looking at the caller.
“She’s ready,” Brian said, loud enough for everyone to hear my phone’s speaker.
Del slowly exhaled while the men grinned at each other. I smiled at my reflection. My hair was finally wild and free.
Like Janae.