Chapter Thirty-Six
landon
Like the night of the rodeo show, I observed Janae flirt and laugh as she moved through The Deluxe Club as we celebrated the end of the tour. I sipped water, and those around me drank wine and champagne and were merry. Numbly, I watched her as she hugged Cedrick and then Frankie. I sat alone at the bar table for two for most of the night. It was a private party, so I wasn’t bothered by zealous fans, though a few people from the restaurant and guests of the venue staff wanted selfies, and I obliged.
Janae weaved in and out of the tables set for our special night, held against the backdrop of the greatest African-American musicians in history. Michael Jackson, Beyoncé, Chuck Berry, B.B. King, and other greats graced the walls. Janae Camille Warner would be on those walls one day, and I would be proud to say that she’d once loved me and that I’d loved her. I picked up my cell and ran my finger over the selfie of us on the train.
I wasn’t enough for her. I hadn’t been able to help her when she needed me the most because what I could give, she didn’t want, and I could never give her what she wanted. I’d been elated when she walked on the stage, strong, fierce, and beautiful. I’d thought her able to command a stage of that magnitude clean and sober. When we’d left the stage, and she avoided me, I’d known otherwise.
Even at this party, she refused to be in my presence for longer than a second. I continued to sit and observe as I contemplated my next move. Staying with her had become almost impossible after I realized what she’d done and that Cedrick had given her what she’d asked for. They’d convinced me to leave so he could feed the habit I thought she’d beaten. My stomach churned with hurt and disappointment that two people I trusted had tricked me.
“My daughter should never leave you alone. Way too handsome to be sitting here waiting for her.” A pretty woman approached me with an outstretched hand. “I’m Ebony Tanner, Janae’s mother.”
I took her hand and smiled politely. “I see the resemblance.”
Ebony touched her chest. “You were amazing. I don’t think I cared about the guitar until you played it.”
I sipped on my water and looked past her shoulder for Janae. She caught my gaze from across the museum and shook her head slightly. She wasn’t going to come near us.
“What did you say to Janae earlier?”
Ebony’s sculpted eyebrows met. “I didn’t say anything.” Then she smiled. “Oh, she’s probably upset because she never liked my man, and we’ve recently gotten back together.”
“Which man?” I scanned the room and noticed an older man standing awkwardly in the corner.
“Antwon.” She turned around and beckoned to the same guy. He hurried to us and grinned like he was excited to be invited to an exclusive party.
I didn’t smile and looked back toward Janae, who’d turned away and was talking to Jeri and Frankie.
“Antwon.” The man held his hand out, and I emptied my glass, ignoring him. Embarrassed, he dropped his arm and tried again. “Thank you for everything. Del told us you and Janae arranged for the trip. First class all the way. Your concert was the best I’ve ever been to.”
I nodded. I wouldn’t be polite or friendly until Janae told me what had happened between her and her mother and this man.
“Call Janae over here,” Ebony demanded with a tight smile. “I’ve been trying to track her down all night, but she’s always busy with this person or that. She needs to speak to her mother.”
“Janae doesn’t need to do anything. You upset her, and I can’t let you mess up her night any more.”
“Whatever she told you is a lie.”
I calmly replied, “She didn’t tell me anything. She’s never told me anything about you. Janae cares about family, and I insisted you be here tonight for her sake. I should’ve realized there was a reason she didn’t want you around.”
An observant Del passed nearby, and I called his name. He approached the table solemnly. “You need anything?”
“Yes. I need you to escort these two out of here. If they don’t make a scene, they can keep their first-class tickets home and their nice suite. If they make a scene, they’ll have to figure out where to stay and how to get home. After you escort them out, stop back here, please.”
Del nodded and addressed the couple. “Come this way. Our driver can take you anywhere you want.”
Ebony looked in Janae’s direction as if she were about to ask for help, but Janae had moved somewhere out of sight in the large club. Antwon urged Ebony out of the place, angrily whispering something to her. I cracked my neck to release the tension as I watched them leave. I was wound up like a jack-in-a-box, ready to pop, and we still had cake and the champagne toast to end our tour.
When Del returned to my table, I said, “I’m ready to leave. Can we go ahead and cut the cake?”
He studied my face. “Are you okay? I don’t think Janae’s mother will cause any more problems.”
I rubbed my guitar pick in my pocket. “Do you really care if I’m okay or not?”
Del eased into the chair opposite me. “Don’t accuse me of not caring about you. The band hired me to manage its business side, and that’s what I do. I think I’ve done a good job. It’s not just you, as you keep reminding me.” He opened his arms wide. “This is your night, and you’re sitting here brooding. No one is coming over here because we can feel your vibe. You don’t want to be bothered because you don’t like these parties, but can you at least pretend to enjoy this one for your brothers?”
I snorted. “I’m upset with some of my brothers and finding it hard to fake it.”
“What happened?”
“I’d rather not go into it. I can smile for the cameras. Can you just get everyone together?”
Del tightened his jaw and walked away.
Within ten minutes, we were all gathered by a massive red, black, and white cake. Janae stood beside me, and I held a possessive hand on her lower back. She was mine for now, and I would play my role. I smiled and laughed as I listened to the toasts of my friends and crew.
When it was Janae’s turn, she looked at me. “I first want to thank Landon. He’s been a trooper this whole tour, doing whatever we needed him to do when all he wants to do is play that guitar.” Everyone cheered. “I love you to absolute pieces and don’t know how I would’ve made it through these last few weeks without you.” She stood on tiptoe and angled her face toward mine.
I pressed my lips against hers and whispered, “Love you more.”
Janae smiled at me, her eyes tearing with relief. She turned back to the group and thanked some other people. I had no idea what else was said because the gnawing started impeding my hearing and vision. I declined the cake and champagne.
I kissed her forehead as the toast ended. “Enjoy. I need to go. See you at your place.”
She tugged on the bottom of my shirt. “What happened with my mother?”
“I got rid of her. I won’t let anyone hurt you as long as I’m around.”
“Thank you, baby. I’m glad you got the hint that I didn’t want to see her. I planned to avoid her all night. I’ll tell you later what happened between her and me.” Janae hugged me. “I love you so much. If you go to sleep, I’m waking you up once I get home.”
“I’ll be up,” I promised. I caught a glimpse of Cedrick walking toward the restroom. “I need to use the bathroom and then I’m out.”
Janae walked in the opposite direction as I headed toward him. When I walked in, I checked the stalls from the door. No one was in there except Cedrick and me.
“What did you give Janae so she could perform?”
Cedrick zipped up his pants and walked to the sink to wash his hands. “Is that why you’ve been sitting alone all night? She’s fine. She’s not intoxicated. We had a good show. Move on.”
“Since when did we become the band who’ll do anything to perform?”
“Since we have the number one song in the country and the expectations for us are at an all-time high. Janae would’ve never forgiven herself, and neither would the world if she didn’t get on that stage. You can hide in the corners and pull your head down when your nerves get the best of you. She’s front and center.” He hit his hand. “She can’t do what you do. You’ve always turned a blind eye when any one of us used to get on the stage. We’ve all popped pills and gotten wasted. There were times I needed something to perform to take up your slack.” He backed up and raised his hands. “And guess what? We’re fine.”
“She’s not you. This is a slippery slope for her. Can’t you see that?”
“You sleep with her. Is she fiending every night for drugs? Is she sneaking out trying to find the nearest dealer?”
I shook my head. “She was like an addict before the show. You were there. I’ve never seen you or the guys act like that.”
“Because we always have something just in case. I don’t know what her mother said to her, but it did her in, right before the biggest night of her life.” He moved closer to me. “Please, let it go. We just finished the tour to rave reviews, and our album is the next big thing. Can you just chill for once and not overthink this?”
“The Hollow Bones will never sell out. The Hollow Bones will always put its members above any money or opportunity. The Hollow Bones never make a decision unless we all agree.” I stared into the eyes of my best friend. “You said you would never allow Janae to destroy the band. Well, guess what? You just did by giving her drugs. I’m out.”
“Landon.” He grabbed my arm, and I shook him off.
“Soar as high as you fucking want, and you can keep the name. The Hollow Bones isn’t my band anymore.”
I pushed the door and walked past everyone as I strode out to the waiting car. I kept my head tucked between my legs to keep the panic away on the ride to her place.
June 16
I waited up for Janae so we could talk. She finally dragged herself home and crashed into bed with me, too tired to do anything but strip and sleep. I held her close, unable to drift off. I then packed my stuff, which didn’t take long, since I kept my belongings neat and tidy. I had a flight back to New York in a few hours, and I had no intention of missing it.
It was after three in the afternoon and I’d just moved my belongings to her living room when she walked in wearing one of my shirts, wiping sleep from her eyes. I was fully dressed and wearing shoes. She frowned. “What are you doing? Our flight to New York isn’t until tomorrow.”
“I waited all night to talk to you, but you were too sleepy. I didn’t want to just up and go without a word. You deserve more than my ghosting you, so I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”
“You’re leaving?” she squeaked.
“Yeah. I need some space.” I folded my arms. “What did you use last night?
“I… I…” Her hands fell by her side. “I won’t use anything again. This isn’t a line or a plea. On that stage, I had an epiphany that the music was enough. That having you was enough to cope with whatever strikes. It’s the truth.”
“And the last time wasn’t the truth?”
She moved to me. “Last night was so different.”
“Yes, it was. You involved my friends. You asked Cedrick to give you drugs like I wasn’t there. Then you lied to my face. Everyone did. I thought you managed to do the show without anything until the after-party, when I could tell you took something. You were too mellow and avoided me. What did you take?” Something compelled me to ask, though I didn’t know if it would affect my decision to leave or not.
Janae touched my arms, and my resistance wavered. “Xanax. Just a stronger dose than what doctors prescribe. You know I haven’t been able to sleep. I was determined not to use anything. I finally had control over my nerves until my mother messed me up all over again.” Her voice broke. “I wanted to hurt myself…”
She sat on the sofa, lifting the hem of the oversized T-shirt she loved to sleep in. Spreading her legs slightly, she pointed to her inner thigh. “These are my old scars, the ones I covered with my sunburst tattoo.”
My breath caught as she traced the ink with her fingers, her expression distant, lost in a place I couldn’t reach.
“Yesterday, I grabbed scissors.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I wanted to cut myself.” She inhaled sharply. “I didn’t… because I knew you’d ask about it. I knew you’d notice.” Her eyes met mine, glassy with unshed tears. “Almost all of my tattoos hide scars.”
The confession hit me like a blow to the chest.
“The pain was so bad after my mother left my dressing room,” she continued. “I thought I needed something to get on that stage.”
Her words hung between us, heavy and raw. I clenched my fists, overwhelmed by the depth of what she had just admitted, by the pain she had carried alone.
As I tried to digest all that, she moved to me and said, “Go check on your mother and meet me in Austin next week, please. Dr. K warned me that I would need a break after the tour… that I needed nature. Just come see me and let me love on you, and I can explain the ugly of me.”
I shook my head. “You already showed me your ugly side. I poured my heart out to you in front of everyone, and you shattered it in pieces like I didn’t matter. My parents made me feel that way. Other people have made me feel that way. I hate myself for forgetting what I already knew, that you wouldn’t need me sooner or later. I hate myself for getting caught up in your web. I believed you would never make me feel that way.”
Her head snapped back. “My web? I didn’t trap you.”
I hit my chest. “I meant I knew better. I knew how much I was attracted to you and how much I wanted you to pay attention to me. And when you did, I thought I won the lottery, and whatever doubts I had about you faded whenever you looked at me or kissed me.”
“So you think I tricked you… that my love for you isn’t real?”
“I believe you love me, and I’ll always love you.”
She unfolded my arms and slid under them. “Then let’s just work it out.”
I closed my eyes briefly. “Love isn’t always enough. I’m not the man for you. Performing is in your blood, and as much as I think it’s too much for you, I can’t expect you to give up your dream. You might not use anything again for a long time, and then something will trigger you. I can’t watch you go through that again because I’m always going to deny what you think you need. I can’t.”
Janae gripped my wrists, but my hands remained fists. “I’m not going to go through that again.”
“Until something else triggers you.”
“Do you know how it felt to see you melt down in front of me? I actually thought you might die for a second, and I’d never been more frightened in my life. You rejected me that night, embarrassed for me to see you like that, and I never once thought about leaving you. Not once. Because I took some stupid pills that your friends take too, you can’t forgive me, and we’re done?”
“Exactly why I said I’m not the man for you. You asked me to be your moral compass for a reason. You need someone like Cedrick, or any other man who can handle their emotions better than I can, or who doesn’t care if you use drugs, because to men like them, it’s not a big deal. And for me, it’s a deal-breaker.”
“I don’t want another man. I want you,” she implored me. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”
I pulled her into me, holding her. “Knowing you could hurt yourself makes me want to stay and fix it, but that’s not up to me. You told me you didn’t need a knight, and you really don’t.” I kissed her neck one last time. “I need to go before I miss my flight.”
She pushed back from me. “You need everything on your terms. You decided when we made love for the first time and when we became a couple. I asked you about a future, and you refused to say anything until yesterday, when you dangled it like a carrot to get me to do what you wanted.” Her voice wavered, but the fire in her eyes didn’t. “Now you’re upset because last night, you couldn’t steer things the way you wanted. And instead of talking to me, you just walk away ?”
Janae threw her arm toward the bedroom, her breath coming fast. “I almost ended this days ago because I knew, sooner or later, I’d do something you couldn’t forgive. And you—” her voice cracked before she forced herself to go on, “—you made me feel like that was impossible. Like you would always love me.”
She let out a humorless laugh, swiping at her face. “I was a fool. You never loved me. You wanted me until you didn’t.”
Every word was a stab through the heart, and if I contradicted anything she said, my actions right then would negate them. There was nothing left to say. I stood.
“Get the hell out of my house.” Janae stalked to the door and opened it. Photographers stood just beyond the gate, cameras lifted, fingers clicking away as reporters spoke urgently into their mics. The sight of them had her slamming the door shut and falling against it. “Nope. You can’t go out there.”
My stomach lurched. “How many are out there?”
She marched to me and jabbed my chest hard. “You’re going to pretend we’re good. Do you hear me? If the world knows we broke up the day after the last stop, then they’ll believe we tricked them to boost ticket sales and our song. They’ll hate me but still love you. We don’t have to talk, but you better rebook your flight, because your ass isn’t going anywhere right now. Especially when your face shows every emotion of what just happened between us.”
I turned to the window and peeked through the blinds. A swarm of paparazzi and fans crowded outside the complex’s gate, cameras ready, waiting for us to step outside. When I looked back, Janae stood with her arms crossed, her foot tapping in rapid succession. Her glare reminded me of a wife who’d had enough of her husband’s shit.
I looked up at the ceiling and then back at her. Help me. I wanted to be that husband.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I blurted, “Let’s go to Austin.”
Her foot stilled. “What?”
“Throw some pants on, take a quick shower, and let’s go. I’ll buy whatever else you need. We’ll take your car. Not up for crowds at the airport.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You’re serious? Now you want to be impulsive?”
“I don’t want to be accused of always calling the shots. So, if you don’t want to go because I suggested it, then we don’t have to.”
Her gaze turned ice cold. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you. I’m done with this relationship.”
A slow, deep gnawing spread through my chest. I shoved my hands into my pockets, resisting the urge to reach for her. “Okay. I’ll sit on the balcony, play my guitar, and catch a flight late tonight.”
Janae’s lip curled in disgust, and she turned on her heel, stomping into her bedroom and slamming the door so hard the walls shuddered.
I exhaled, peeking out the window again. The crowd outside had doubled. Cameras flashed. Reporters clutched their mics, already practicing whatever story they’d spin from the first sight of us. Could I just walk out, wave like a politician, slip into some car, and disappear?
Probably.
But I had a feeling Janae would murder me in my sleep if I left without playing along.
The sound of running water filled the apartment.
I blinked, momentarily surprised.
She was actually going.
A few minutes later, the door swung open.
Janae wore leggings and a fitted hoodie, sleek and effortless, the kind of look that let her move through the world unnoticed when she wanted to. Her damp curls peeked out from under the cap she slid on as she yanked open the closet, pulling out sneakers.
“It’s a twenty-three-hour drive, and I’m not touching the wheel.” She still wouldn’t look at me as she grabbed her purse. “And I’m going on the most expensive shopping spree in Austin that your wallet can afford.”
I arched a brow. “Anything else?”
“Yeah. Don’t say one word to me until we get to my house.”
Why did this woman vex me so?
We weren’t good for each other. Or maybe we were perfect.
I’d spent all night convincing myself to leave. Now, we were about to spend almost an entire day together, locked in a car with nothing but silence and miles of open road.
My head spun from the emotional whiplash. My body ached from exhaustion and nerves. My heart?
My heart was damn near soaring.
Janae must have caught my expression because she scowled. “Get that smile off your face. You don’t get to be happy after ruining my morning with your bullshit.” She stormed past me toward the stairs.
I bit my lip, fighting the grin I hadn’t even realized I was wearing. Grabbing my bags, I followed her downstairs to the garage where she kept her pewter G-Wagon.
As soon as we pulled out, the paparazzi surged forward. Janae flashed them a dazzling smile, waving like nothing in the world was wrong. I followed her lead, raising my hand in a half-wave, my own grin practiced but effortless.
And just like that, we hit the road.
Our real journey had begun.