Chapter Thirty-Eight
landon
June 25
During the week that we spent together in Texas, we were mostly silent together, an unspoken agreement to allow the last three months to fade into the background. Austin became our reset, a place to relax, regroup, and recalibrate before treading on the parts of us that could destroy what we both wanted — a true and forever love.
We’d been hiking in the heat for the last three hours. Today’s walk had been tough yet exhilarating at the same time. I needed nature to help me breathe. To help me see the road ahead. Would the road be a lonely one, or would it be full of love, laughter, and happiness?
I held Janae’s hand for most of the hike. She tripped and stumbled several times, clearly unused to walking across rugged land. I’d expected her to complain or refuse at some point, but she’d suggested doing short hikes every day. I’d told her I often took solo trips to nearby cities and states to hike and bike-ride to decompress. We both agreed nature made everything simple again.
Whenever I thought of Cedrick and Brian, I had a burst of energy to continue walking and dragged Janae behind me. I needed to work through my hurt and explain myself to her. The last thing I wanted was for her to add guilt that she’d broken up The Hollow Bones to whatever else she carried on her shoulders.
“I kept trying to figure out how your body looks like it does. I should’ve realized you rode bikes and walked. Funny how I used to see you. It’s so not like you are,” she said, panting as she rested against a tree trunk.
I scanned the path ahead and then looked at her. “Funny… like I’m someone you used to make fun of?”
Janae frowned. “What? I would never and have never made fun of you, even when I only saw you as a nerdy guitar player. Why would you say that?”
“Because girls like you in high school used to make fun of me.” I started walking again, moving low-hanging branches out of her way as she followed. A colorful butterfly flitted around us.
“Woah.” I recoiled and backed up against Janae, who started laughing.
“Don’t tell me Mr. Love and One with Nature is scared of butterflies?” She snickered.
“I’m not scared. They’re just gross.” I scanned the area for the insect that appeared to float above a bush.
“How are they gross?” she asked, still smirking.
“Keep walking, please, since it doesn’t look like it plans to move anytime soon.” I pulled her by her wrist, and she resisted.
“I love butterflies. They are so majestic and beautiful.”
“Yet still a gross caterpillar in the middle. That’s all I can see.”
Janae shook her head. “If you can only see how she started and not where she ended, you’re missing the whole point.” She moved closer to the bush to inspect the butterfly. “This is a tiger swallowtail. See the blue on the ends?”
“When you told me you loved butterflies, I thought it was on some poetic, flowy dress type of vibe. You really study this.”
“I wouldn’t say study. I just believe their existence is proof that we are meant to change and transform.” She glanced over her shoulder at me. This Janae was still and focused. “It’s why I have butterfly tattoos. Their growth from something ugly and gross to beautiful and mystical fascinates me. It means something special when they fly around you.”
“Okay. Why did that butterfly fly around us?” I nudged her shoulder.
“Butterflies can reflect your inner self.” She placed her hands on her hips and squinted at me. “You’ve been walking around all these years with all of this hurt inside of you, hiding who you are from the world. Maybe you’re finally ready to show me, the type of girl you swore wouldn’t give you the time of day, who you are.”
I scoffed, shaking my head. “Trust me, you wouldn’t have looked twice. No one really did except my teachers, who loved me. I could disappear in my music and spend my lunch in the band room learning how to play any instrument my teacher allowed me to touch.”
“Why the guitar?”
I exhaled, letting my fingers graze the pick in my pocket. “My parents wanted me to learn the instruments they loved so bad. I was naturally drawn to the guitar. I could control how I wanted it to sound more than any other instrument. I felt seen whenever I played, whether anyone was watching or not.”
Janae tugged on the hem of my shirt and made me look down at her. “You’re so striking, though. I can’t imagine no one noticed you then.”
My gaze followed her hand, and I let out a short laugh. “I’ve gained muscle and paid enough attention to hide my geekiness, as you were so happy to point out at the gala. You remember, the one where you didn’t even remember my name?” I tilted my head, studying her. “Would you have noticed me if you didn’t try to run away that night? Would you be more into Cedrick or Brian or the other guys if you hadn’t bumped into me?”
She hugged my waist. “How can I possibly answer that? Once we locked eyes that night, no one else in The Hollow Bones, or any other man, mattered. I noticed your staring at me because I kept staring at you, wondering why I never really saw you.” She rested her chin against my chest and gazed up at me. “We’re here now because, call it fate or serendipity, we noticed each other when we were ready for each other.”
Her soft smile warmed my heart. “That weekend, I didn’t care that you froze up whenever I touched you unexpectedly or that you have to position yourself on the same side of the stage. That you wore your hat all the time, or you have to hold on to that pick when you become uncomfortable, which seems to be every single day whenever it’s not just you and me or the guys. It doesn’t even scare me away that you have panic attacks and that eye contact is a challenge for you unless you’re looking at me. I want to be with you, Landon. I love you.”
I grinned pulling her closer. “I swear you make me feel like the month of October. All chill and cozy.”
Janae laughed as she tapped my chest. “Yet you were ready to leave me.”
“Just because I was going to leave you didn’t mean I wanted to. It took all my power to not break down in front of you. I was afraid I wouldn’t return to New York in one piece. As soon as you slammed the door and said I couldn’t leave, I was so blissfully happy.” I held her face in my hands, my thumbs caressing the softness of her cheek. “You can’t use ever again. This isn’t my trying to control your life or tell you what to do. I can’t be with a woman who uses drugs or alcohol. I grew up with a drunk and physically abusive man and watched my mother get hit. My father has accomplished more than most musicians will ever do, and all I can see is wasted talent. I can’t be my mother to you.”
Her eyes teared up. “An apology can never be enough for what I put you through in L.A.”
“Guess this is where I really talk about me.” I pulled off my backpack and took out two bottles of water and a blanket to spread on the grass. I rested my back on the trunk of a large tree and patted the space between my legs for Janae to sit. We faced the serene Lake Travis, only a few feet away. The shade of the large tree kept the sun bearable.
“My earliest memory of my mother is a happy one. I was three, and she held my hand to help me play the piano. What I first remember about my father was his slapping her when I was five. They were arguing about me. I don’t know why. I just remember that he smacked her across the face, and she picked me up and ran to my bedroom and locked us in there. He banged on the door, furious at first, and then he started apologizing. He didn’t hit her often. I can only recall three times, but there was always that threat when he started drinking. My father used to promise us that he could handle his alcohol. I didn’t allow him to hug me until I was seven. Maybe because I only trusted my mother’s touch, or maybe because I was afraid of him.” I focused on the way her fingers traced slow patterns on her knees.
“Did he hit you, too?” Janae asked quietly.
“More like slam me against the wall when I was sixteen.” The words came easier than I expected. Maybe it was this place, this moment, that made it bearable to say out loud. “I think he believed I was too fragile to hit, and my mother might have killed him if he had. I didn’t speak unless I was around the two of them, and I cried whenever my mother left me for too long. I remember crawling under the table at school when children teased me or when there was too much going on around me. My mother refused to get me any help because her son was perfect. My father was simply ashamed of me and let her deal with me.”
I spoke about my childhood like it wasn’t my own. This space in the middle of the woods in Austin had allowed me to detach from my emotions. Maybe it was the butterfly.
Janae laced our fingers together. “What happened when you were sixteen?”
I let out a slow breath. “I worked hard to finish school by my junior year to focus on my music. I never fit in at school, so prom, graduation, parties, and all the other rites of passage every teenager wanted, I didn’t. I landed an audition at Juilliard. I was proud that I was good enough to even be considered. I practiced my guitar night and day, preparing for my big moment. Two nights before my audition, my parents informed me that they’d used their connections to change up my audition to play either the piano or the trumpet.”
“Wait… you hadn’t even practiced on those instruments, and they expected you to succeed?”
“Not a brag. I’m so good with the trumpet and the piano that I didn’t need to spend hours practicing. My parents knew that.” I swallowed hard. “To spite them, I purposely missed notes on the trumpet. I didn’t know my father had access to my audition tapes. When he came home from work, he barged into my room and pinned me to the wall with his fists. He yelled how he was ashamed that I was his son, and he wanted me out of his house. My father called me a sick fuck.”
Janae let out a soft gasp and squeezed my hand. “The smell of alcohol was on his breath, and he kept knocking me against the wall as he shouted that I’d purposely ruined the audition. The walls started closing in, and I couldn’t breathe. I must have blacked out, because the next thing I remember is my mother crying and turning on the shower in my bathroom, telling me I needed to clean myself.”
I felt her press her face into my shoulder, breathing unsteadily.
“My father was more of an emotional abuser than a physical one, but when he lost control, he always felt guilty afterward. He’d promise me and my mother the world, swearing things would be different. That whole cycle of domestic violence is real.” I pressed the side of my head to hers, grounding myself in her presence. “After he put his hands on me that night, he stood outside my door, apologizing over and over, saying he’d make it up to me. But I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t stay.”
“So you left.” Janae’s voice was quiet, but her grip on my hand tightened.
“I packed a few clothes, grabbed my guitar, and used what little savings I had from my allowance and the music contests I’d won to survive. Cheap hotels and hostels at first, then abandoned buildings and homeless shelters when the money ran low. I played my guitar in subway stations and on the streets of Times Square for food. I recorded myself on my phone, hoping YouTube would be my way out. I told myself I’d apply to other music programs, but I had to make it through each day first.”
I exhaled, staring out at the lake. “The irony? Running away forced me to become everything my parents never thought I could be. I had to communicate more, make decisions, perform in front of strangers. I had no one but myself to rely on.”
Janae traced circles on my forearm, waiting for me to continue.
“I was on the streets for about two months before Cedrick saw my videos. He sought me out. He was the first person who only saw my talent. Nothing else. No baggage, no bullshit. Just my music. He convinced his parents to let me stay with them, and the only condition was that I had to tell my parents where I was. I did, and they were just relieved I was alive. For once, they stopped trying to mold me into something I wasn’t.”
I swallowed, finally looking back at Janae. “I never lived with my parents again. I kept in touch, visited when they asked, but I never let them into my space. Until now, I hadn’t even invited them to my brownstone. Not once.”
Her thumb brushed against my knuckles. “That’s a lot to carry on your own, baby.”
I nodded, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Maybe I don’t have to anymore.”
A weeping Janae pulled back, studying my face through blurry eyes. “All I wanted was to meet them because I pictured them as this power couple, deeply in love, raising their immensely talented son. It was this perfect vision I had for us.”
I exhaled slowly. “You asked if my thoughts on marriage and family had changed, and I told you I didn’t know. And I didn’t. Before you, I never let myself imagine a life with someone long-term. I had one girlfriend before you, if you could even call her that. Dating was fine. Sex was easy. But letting someone all the way in?” I shook my head. “I never thought it was something I’d be capable of.”
Her fingers traced over my wrist, waiting.
“Then you came along. Relentless. Stubborn as hell. A gnat that wouldn’t leave me alone until I had no choice but to love you.”
Janae’s scowl was instant. “A gnat? Really? Of all things, you compare me to a tiny, annoying bug?”
I chuckled, pulling her against me and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I also thought you were an elusive butterfly. Too wild and free for me to ever really catch.”
Her lips curled into a slow smile. “Much better.” She cupped my face. “I want to love you through it all.”
I let out a breath, my forehead pressing against hers. “I believe you. That’s why I’m willing to risk everything for you.”
She sighed. “You don’t have to risk anything, Landon.”
Not ready to talk about The Hollow Bones, I held up a hand. “Just us, right now. While we’re here.”
She blew a raspberry. “Since we’re talking about just us, have you ever been to therapy? Ever been diagnosed?”
I stiffened slightly, the easy moment shifting into something heavier. “No.”
Janae wasn’t deterred. “You’ve always just guessed at what you might be dealing with?”
I ran a hand through my hair. “I figured I had anxiety because of the panic attacks. Thought maybe I was autistic at one point, but I don’t fit that category either. At least not now. I have outgrown some of the things I used to do.”
Her voice softened. “Maybe it is time to stop guessing and actually get answers. You grew up in a violent home, Landon.”
A muscle in my jaw ticked. “I’m good.”
She studied me for a moment, searching my face, but I wasn’t ready for that conversation. Not yet.
I stood abruptly, reaching for her hand. “It’s a long walk back, and I want to try that Mexican place on the other side of the lake.”
“We’re done talking?” Janae frowned.
“For now. I have no plans except to be here with you for the next few days. We have time to talk about everything.”
My words seemed to satisfy her, because she allowed me to take her hand and lead her out of the woods.
July 3
“I swear your pettiness knows no bounds,” I grumbled as I steered the pontoon boat, built for twelve, toward the middle of Lake Travis. Janae had insisted we spend the day on the water, swimming and making music just for fun. My guitar rested across two cushioned seats, and the lunch she had packed sat beside her. “Why are we driving this ourselves when we could’ve rented a yacht with a captain? I told you before the tour started that I don’t do water.”
“Again, how do you love nature and not vibe with water?”
“I’m from Brooklyn,” I replied flatly.
“Can you even swim?”
“Of course,” I said, insulted at the question.
She smirked. “I wanted you to steer the boat so I could have access to your body the whole time.”
I chuckled, prying her hands from my arm and moving them higher. “I want to enjoy this day before you wear me out. Let me steer this boat while I still have energy.”
“I can drive too.” She reached for the wheel, and I popped her hand lightly.
“Hey, that hurt,” she protested.
“You have many talents. Driving isn’t one of them, and I’d like to survive this day.”
She rolled her eyes. “How about you take us near that sandbar so we can chill for a bit?” She pointed toward a small patch of land near the edge of the greenish-blue lake. We were mostly alone in this section of the lake, with only two boats floating in the distance. “Then you can tell me about that conversation with your mother this morning… if you actually heard anything.”
“You knew exactly what you were doing when you changed in front of me, and then you took your sweet time cooking and packing while wearing that.”
“Who, me? In this old thing?” She gestured to the bright pink bikini peeking through her matching mesh cover-up. I had never seen her in a bikini before, and when she pranced around the house this morning, my focus had been shot to hell.
I turned the wheel toward the spot she’d pointed out. “My mother wants me to help her talk to my father about the divorce. I don’t see it going well. He has never listened to me, and he still thinks of her as his property.”
“Maybe this is her way of trying to get you two to talk,” she suggested, lowering her sunglasses and leaning back against the seat, soaking in the sun.
“Maybe.” The sounds of the lake and distant chatter settled me, easing me into a conversation I probably wouldn’t have had under any other circumstance. “I like it out here. My mind races, but my body is always churning, twisting, gnawing. Since we’ve been in Austin, I’ve felt… calm. Until now, I couldn’t talk about my family, let alone how their marriage affected me. Even my guitar couldn’t make that easier.”
“Or maybe you never had anyone you felt safe enough to talk to about them.”
I nodded, a small smile tugging at my lips. “I never thought I’d meet someone like you.”
She stretched lazily. “Apparently, since we were only supposed to be here a few days, and I heard you tell your mother we’re staying until mid-month.”
“I’m not ready to deal with everything yet. And I’m also not ready for us to be in separate cities. I’ve gotten used to you up under me, making it impossible for me to breathe every night.”
She smirked. “So what do we do about that?”
I hated that I couldn’t see her eyes behind the shades. We had spent all this time together, yet she still hadn’t opened up about her mother or what really happened in Los Angeles. I refused to pressure her, but I also knew we couldn’t move forward if we didn’t confront it.
“I don’t know yet,” I admitted. “We can start by visiting each other when we go back home and take it from there.”
She hesitated. “I think you need time to deal with your parents before I visit.”
I met her gaze. “I think you need that same time to deal with your mother and your brother.”
Her mouth tightened. “My brother and I will be fine. I don’t want to deal with my mother. Maybe not ever.”
“Seems like you should,” I started, but she immediately whipped off her shades.
“That’s not your business, just like Hollow Bones isn’t mine.”
I raised my hands in surrender. “You’re right.”
It had been almost three weeks since Los Angeles, and I still hadn’t spoken to Del or anyone in the band. Our album was dropping at the end of August, and we were supposed to start promotional shows in two weeks.
“I’ve been thinking about getting another tattoo while we’re here,” she said, changing the subject.
“Why? I thought you only got them to cover scars.” I quietly assessed her. Was she struggling again and not telling me?
“That’s how it started, but it’s not the only reason. I actually like how they look on my skin.” She rose, running a hand across my chest. “You’d look so good with one. The ink would so eat on your skin. Ever thought about it?”
“Not really. I try to avoid needles at all costs.”
She giggled. “Another thing you’re scared of.”
“Plenty of people hate needles,” I muttered.
“Okay, but if you had to get one, what would it be?”
“Hmm… maybe a crescent moon. Something representing the universe.”
She grinned. “It would look so sexy on your chest.”
I shook my head. “Inside of my wrist. Somewhere I can see it easily. A tattoo on my chest would be for other people to admire.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Good point.”
“Would you get another butterfly?”
“I don’t know. I want something that represents where I am now. Something that represents us.”
I nodded. “I like that. You might be the only person who could make me ignore my fear of needles.”
She cooed. “So sweet. Love you.” She brushed her lips against mine before pulling off her cover-up and diving into the lake.
I stopped the boat, dropping the anchor, and watched her arms move powerfully through the water. She was a strong swimmer. Strong in ways I hadn’t even fully understood.
I had judged her for disappearing years ago, for running away from her responsibilities. But I was doing the same thing now. I had broken my word. Not just to The Hollow Bones and Del, but to the people expecting us to show up. I had already missed three engagements. I had turned a blind eye to my band’s drinking and drug use but had criticized Janae for the same.
A loud scream snapped me out of my thoughts.
“The fuck?” I ran to the edge, ready to dive in. “What’s wrong?”
“Ugh, all these fish are surrounding me!”
“Do they bite?”
“I don’t think so. It just feels weird.” She swam quickly back to the boat. As soon as she reached it, I grabbed her hand and pulled her in, stepping back as she climbed aboard. Water dripped from her skin, and I peered down at the lake, watching the small, brightly colored fish darting just below the surface.
“Yeah… that’s unsettling. Much prefer butterflies.” I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her, resisting the urge to hold her close.
Janae clung to the towel and narrowed her eyes at me as I took another step back. “Seriously, Landon?”
“I mean… those fish were all over you. I’m glad you made fried chicken instead of fish for lunch.” I guided her to a seat. “Sorry, Nae, no sex for you out here. You need to get clean first.”
She huffed dramatically, flopping into the seat with her arms crossed. “Wow.”
I chuckled, grabbing my guitar. “Not until you shower.” I started strumming. “Before you get stuck in attitude mode, tell me what song this is.”
She shot me a glare. “I’m not playing.”
“Suit yourself.” I strummed the strings. “People forget that Prince was an otherworldly musician. That Bruno Mars and H.E.R. can kill a guitar just as well as they sing.”
Janae leaned forward. “No reason to be jealous of anyone. Your talent is unmatched.”
She looked around at the vastness of the lake. “No one knows us out here. Be the you that no one sees. Just play.”
For the first time in a long time, I let go.