Chapter 22 Mari
Twenty-Two
Mari
Iguess I’ve put it off long enough.
It just . . . it happened in a blur. It’s hard for me to remember the finer details now that I’m back in Hamilton, now that the night of the VMAs feels like it happened to someone else in a different life.
Skip
When I saw the final cut of “Hear Me Now,” I knew it would be up for the VMA. We released it so close to the end of the eligibility period, but we just managed to sneak in there, along with an EP that included “Moonbeam,” “September Rain,” and finally, “Hear Me Now.”
I’m not saying that to brag. It was just clear—Ryan’s positioning was right, she was reaching her peak, and it was a particularly well-done video.
Hell, they love spectacle. And they didn’t even know what kind of spectacle she was about to give them.
Kylie
The 2018 VMAs was such a fun night—I mean, up until Ryan disappeared.
She also threw up a little when we were getting ready, but I think it was a combination of nerves and of drinking too much.
Ryan and Mari and I got ready at my penthouse in Washington Heights, and Tatiana and all our stylists came over while we blasted music and ate Doritos and shit.
Ryan came back from the kitchen at one point and had a shot of tequila—I mean, I assume that’s what it was, because she was also carrying tequila for us—in a rocks glass.
We knocked back shot after shot, and we were jumping on my bed, and the next thing I knew, we were flying through Manhattan in the limo on the way to the venue.
Mari
Ryan was never a pusher. But she was really pouring the drinks for us that night. It wasn’t until we were jumping on Kylie’s bed that I was like Shit, I’m really feeling this. And I climbed down and took a breather and said, “Whoa, whoa, Ryan, how many have you had?”
And she threw her head back and laughed and said, “Does it matter? I’m getting a VMA tonight!”
I said, “Yeah, and as part of your marketing team, I want to make sure you can walk to the stage to get it.”
She slid off the bed and smiled at me and sort of patted my hair. “Aww, Mari. It’s all going to be okay. I want you to have fun tonight—you’ve done so much for me.”
And she poured another round of drinks.
Tatiana
I came to Ryan with my ideas for the VMA look.
I thought, maybe a spin on the spidery imagery, something silver again that would be a nod to her beginnings, or an homage to her past music-video characters.
My silhouettes were all the Old Hollywood that she was known for—hourglass, classic shapes, tight bodice.
But no. She said, “I want something completely different. I want modern this time.” Okay, like what?
We talked and talked in circles, it seemed, and finally came around to angular, to boxy. It was a very, very different direction, but I liked it. Ryan often wanted to reinvent herself. I thought perhaps maybe she was doing that again.
So I took cues from Blake Lively, from Janelle Monáe, and suggested an oversize blazer and miniskirt. Bright red, lavish.
“Yes,” Ryan said. “But let’s do blue. I want it to be like my dress at the beginning and end of the video.”
“Okay, okay,” I said. “But we are going to make it rock star.”
It is MTV, after all.
Teen Star Magazine, September 2018
Something Blue
Pop star Ryan Holding wows on the red carpet in an electric-blue Saint Laurent blazer with effortlessly chic bedhead hair.
“My shoes match my shoulders!” the “Hear Me Now” singer commented, pointing out the diamond studs scattered along her shoulders and her sparkly sky-high Jimmy Choos. What’s she most excited about?
“The after-party,” she said with a smile. “Whatever happens tonight, I can’t wait to celebrate with my friends.”
Jasmine
I wasn’t surprised at all when “Hear Me Now” was nominated. But the stakes were very high. If she won, Ryan would become the youngest female artist in history to hold Best New Artist, Best Visual Effects, and Video of the Year.
Skip went as my date that night. It was sweet.
Ryan arrived separately from us—with Mari and Kylie, I think—so I can’t speak to how she was before the show.
Drunk? No, she didn’t seem drunk at all. The girls were definitely tipsy. Maybe more than tipsy. But not Ryan.
It was funny; actually, I just got the sense that she was feeling really alive.
Really wired. She was quiet while the rest of us were talking and laughing, keeping her purse clutched to her chest and just people watching.
Like she was taking it all in. I chalked it up to nerves at the time, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, isn’t it?
Maybe there was something going on. Maybe there wasn’t.
I leaned over at one point in the night, just before they announced her category, and asked, “How are you feeling?”
“Good,” she said. “Ready.”
Video Music Awards Broadcast, August 20, 2018
[A member of Brace for Impact in a colorful paisley suit emcees, standing with an envelope before the microphone.]
EMCEE: . . . And now we come to a truly powerful moment in the night, when we honor the videos that have sparked our imaginations and pushed the bounds of creativity.
Each of our nominees is celebrating an incredible year of work.
But one stood out to our voters as the clear winner. And that video is . . .
[He rips open the envelope.]
EMCEE: . . . “Hear Me Now,” directed and produced by Ryan Holding!
[The applause is thunderous. Ryan ascends the stage with her hand on her heart.]
Ryan: I can’t tell you all what this means to me. Every day, I find it hard to believe this life is mine. But I hope—I hope it’s all been worth it.
[She pauses for a moment, a long moment, seeming briefly as though she wants to say something else. Then she continues.]
Ryan: Thank you, New York. Thank you.
Mari
We were cheering and screaming for her with everything we had in us. Ryan came off the stage, and she was beaming, but her eyes were filled with tears, and she was staring right at me—we all sort of dogpiled her, but she reached out and hugged me tight.
And she spoke very low in my ear, but very clearly and deliberately, to the point where I thought, Wait, are you not drunk? Are you completely sober right now?
She said, “You mean everything to me, Mari. Whatever happens. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Okay? Do you trust me?”
And I said, Yeah, of course, of course. I didn’t know what she meant. I was going to ask her later. But in the moment, she pulled back and smiled wide and started jumping up and down with Kylie. Then everyone else flooded around her as the show concluded.
Frank
My wife and I held a little watch party of the VMAs back in the studio. I was so excited to see her win. I called her right afterward—I knew she wouldn’t pick up, but I wanted to leave a voicemail saying how proud I was of her.
She never called me back.
Victor!a
Yeah, I did see Ryan afterward. Just for a little bit.
I had to congratulate her—she killed it up there!
I’m sure you know about these things, but there’s kind of the preshow on the red carpet, the actual show, and then there’s a valet bottleneck, so everyone hangs around for almost another hour shooting the shit, postshow, before we all head to our after-parties.
I found her in the crush of people and gave her a hug. “You did it, Ryan!” I was jumping up and down and everything, super wound up. I wanted her to match my energy, but she just smiled at me and squeezed my hands.
She said, “Couldn’t have done it without you.”
We caught up a little bit, even though I couldn’t stay long; I was throwing this massive blowout in my loft in Dumbo and had to get over there to kick things off.
“You’re coming, right?” I said.
Ryan said, “Yeah, I have something I want to do. But I might swing by later.”
“Do it, definitely!” I told her. “We’ve gotta celebrate you.”
I don’t know; her vibes were sort of off. I didn’t feel like anything was weird at the time, but looking back now . . . she seemed a little jumpy. Looking around and being distant. We all had drinks on us, but she was clutching that silver astronaut in both hands like she was afraid to lose it.
Tyler
If Ryan was at the VMAs that night, I wouldn’t have known. I pregamed and got shit-faced. It was a great night for me.
Helladonna
I tried to keep my distance. What did I have to say to her? Nothing.
But Ryan did come up to me and congratulate me on my Best Power Anthem win.
“Oh yeah?” I said. I wasn’t even trying to keep the cattiness out of my voice. I didn’t give a damn what she thought. “Did you actually listen to it?”
I have no idea if she realized I’d overheard her that time at the party, years ago. But to her credit, she looked me in the eye and she did say, “Yeah. The bridge is my favorite, how you added the organ and synth in the background. Gives me chills.”
I didn’t want to thank her—didn’t need her opinion—but I managed to say, “That’s my favorite too. Wasn’t sure about the organ, but my producer convinced me.”
She nodded and started walking away. I don’t know, I’m not really sure what came over me. I called out to her and she turned back. I said, “You know that Met Gala dress? The spider one?”
She looked nervous. I’m sure she thought I was going to call her out for it.
But I said, “That was badass.”
She smiled and said, “Thanks, Helladonna.”
What? It was. So sue me.
Evan
I did try to talk to her, yes. But she saw me and walked the other way.
Savannah
I told her congrats because I’m not petty. She said, “Thanks, Savannah. That dress is really cute on you.”
But she said cute really patronizing. So I said, “Thanks! Yours too,” in the same tone.
She smiled and said, “Thanks,” and then turned to talk to someone else.
Kylie
I ignored Savannah and Helladonna. I was ready to go. It was time for the after-party, and the drinks were already flowing.
Honestly, um . . . the rest of the night is kind of fuzzy for me from here on out. If you’d asked me the next day, I would have sworn that Ryan got in the limo with our group on the way to Victor!a’s.
And listen, it’s hard to admit this, but it wasn’t until, like, two days later that I realized that she . . . hadn’t.
Yeah.
I still feel guilty about that. It was what helped me get my drinking under control.
Mari
There was so much going on that it’s hard to remember. I’d made a lot of friends and contacts working for Ryan, too, so people were coming up to me and chatting, asking about the album, the after-party. Everyone was still drinking while we waited for the valet. The lobby was packed.
And then Ryan was trying to say something, leaning down next to my ear—she said, “I have to run back to the hotel first, okay?”
I said, “I’ll go with you.”
“No,” she told me. “Go with Kylie to the after-party, I’ll be right there.”
It was so loud. I should have stopped her. I did ask, “What do you need? Why do you have to go?”
“I just need to work something out quick.”
It was her lingo. She always needed to work out a verse, or a lyric, or pin down some tune that had been playing around in her head. I didn’t question it.
“Okay,” I told her. “Text me when you’re on your way, all right?”
She said she would.
Our limo came, and I made my way with Kylie and the others through the crowd. I remember that I looked back to find Ryan just before I left the lobby.
She was by the stairs, looking back at me.
And that’s the last time I saw her.
Elyse James, author
That was the moment I took my famous photograph of Ryan.
Pausing at the stairs, looking back at Mari, in her blazer of stark, violent blue against the deep red of Radio City Music Hall.
I caught her eye for the briefest moment before she descended to the lower level, not to be seen again.
She did not know me, but she knew of me. I doubt she recognized me in the crowd, but maybe there was something of my brother’s face in mine. Maybe I made her think of him, just before the end.
Wilder was not in attendance at the VMAs in New York City that night, not as far as I know. In fact, I didn’t know where he was.
And although I was there at the VMAs to do my job as a photojournalist, I locked in on Ryan not because she was a record-breaking music-industry legend, but because she was the woman who broke my brother’s heart.
And he disappeared that night too.
From:
Sent: September 22, 2018, 11:37 p.m.
To:
Subject: Quick update
Hey, Ellie. I hope this doesn’t come as a major shock but I need to take some time away. I’m officially quitting the band and going to try to figure out what to do next with my life, so I might be out of commission for a little while.
If you don’t hear from me, I’m fine, okay? I promise. Don’t worry. If I had a crystal ball maybe I could tell you where I’m going and what the next few years of my life will look like.
I’m sorry I can’t say more—it’s hard for even me to see that far.
Love ya.
—W
From:
Sent: September 23, 2018, 1:09 a.m.
To:
Re: Quick update
Wilder, WTF??? the next few Years?? answer your phone!!! now!!!!