This Used to Be Us

23 Does This Feel Like Peace to You Too?

23

does this feel like peace to you too?

Alexander

Jenna’s baby, Sophia, won’t stop crying. Luckily, she was asleep when the patient came in this morning, because her screeching sounds like the last pterodactyl being murdered.

“She’s the worst baby! I can’t believe I had two perfect angel babies and number three is a fusspot. It’s nonstop,” Jenna says.

“It’s not just fussy, she’s, like, wailing . Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with her?”

Jenna rolls her eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just colicky, which is some word doctors use to make you feel like it’s normal that your baby cries twenty-four/seven. I am losing my mind. She won’t stop.”

Jenna is shooshing her and looking into her eyes, silently begging Sophia to be quiet. She’s rocking and changing the baby’s position multiple times. Nothing is helping. Jenna is a very down-to-earth person. She’s not dramatic or whiny, so I know this is getting to her. She’s lost all of the pregnancy weight and then some, and looks hollow, like she hasn’t slept in a year. I feel bad for even asking her to come back to work, but she said she wanted to. And now I think I understand why.

“Do you care that I invited Dani and the boys to come meet her?”

“Do they want to see what a possessed baby looks like?”

I shrug. “She’s really cute.”

The door jingles and in walks Dani and the boys. “Hi,” Dani says cheerily just before her smile disappears. “Oh no, unhappy baby on the loose.” Dani is dressed differently. She’s wearing a flowing skirt and a tank top. It’s very Earth Mothery for her. Maybe this is what she wears on Saturdays now? She seems different, more relaxed today, despite the screaming baby.

Dani walks up to Jenna and kisses her on the cheek. “You look amazing,” she says. It’s a lie…the good kind.

“Can you believe this? I should know how to do this!” Jenna says. “I can’t believe I’m having the hardest time with this one. The labor was fine, but once she was out, she wouldn’t latch and then when she finally did, she destroyed my nipples, now all she does is cry all day.” Ethan winces. Dani just listens and Noah and I are both focused on the baby. I’m hoping someone will get her to shut up soon.

“I’m about to start lactating myself,” Dani says with a laugh.

“Gross, Mom.” Noah frowns.

“Has she eaten?” Dani asks.

“Yes, more than enough,” Jenna says.

“Noah was like this. He was my first, so I got it out of the way. When I had Ethan, it felt like a Sunday stroll in the park.”

Ethan looks at Noah and smiles boastfully.

“I’m losing my mind,” Jenna says, exasperated.

“Here, let me see that baby.”

Dani has the baby in her left arm as she takes the blanket off the desk and wraps it around Sophia several times, very tight. Sophia is screaming bloody murder. Dani takes the end of the blanket and uses it to cover the baby’s eyes. She then puts the wrapped-up baby burrito in the crease of her arm and holds the baby tight against her chest, rocking and making a clicking noise with her tongue every two seconds. Suddenly, I’m right back in those early days—and sleepless nights—with Noah.

Miraculously, Sophia stops crying. She makes a few mewling sounds and then she’s quiet. Dani continues clacking and rocking her while Jenna stares in disbelief. Dani puts a finger to her mouth, and we all stand in silence for about three minutes until Dani slowly stops the noise and motion.

Once it’s completely quiet and she’s standing still with the baby, she whispers, “She’s asleep. This was exactly how Noah was. It took me a couple of months to figure out.”

“What did you do? Isn’t she squished?”

“Not any more squished than she was in your belly.” I’m basically reading lips now because Jenna and Dani are talking in hushed tones. “Sometimes their little brains aren’t ready for all the stimuli and voices. If they can’t see anything, then they can’t be overwhelmed. And the clicking is like something to focus on that’s consistent, like white noise, or your heartbeat, which was cozy to her. My old neighbor taught me this trick. I felt like I was abusing Noah or something by wrapping him up so tight and clacking at him, but it works. They sleep and so do you.”

“Thank you, Dani. This is the first time I’ve felt that there is hope. I’m serious. It’s like I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.” Dani laughs. Jenna is being a little dramatic. She walks up to me quietly and says, “I can’t believe you divorced her. I’d marry her myself.”

Dani is oblivious now, in her own world. She’s sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, holding the baby. She’s just staring at Sophia lovingly and all I want to know is what she’s thinking about at this moment.

I really believe that if it wasn’t for the miscarriages, Dani would have had five kids…at least. It’s bad enough to have one second-term miscarriage, but two? Absolutely crushing; it destroyed her for a very long time.

After the first, we tried again. Noah and Ethan were still toddler-aged, two and three years old. Dani got pregnant right away, but she kept it a secret. She didn’t even tell me until after her doctor’s visit when it was confirmed with a blood test and ultrasound. She saw the heartbeat, came home, and walked up to me at the kitchen sink as I was doing dishes. She had Ethan on her hip—I remember he was twirling her long hair around his index finger.

She leaned in close to my ear and said, “I’m pregnant.” She seemed much more cautious than excited.

I turned around and said, “Really? That’s great.”

“Yeah. I bought a fetal doppler, it was eight hundred dollars. I hope you don’t mind,” she said with zero emotion. It was rare for Dani to be expressionless. You could usually tell within a few moments of being around her what she was feeling. If she wasn’t dancing, cracking jokes, making funny commentary or kissing and hugging you, then she was probably yelling or crying. Occasionally, you’d get an even-keeled version of her, but it was rare. I think she took that side of herself to work, mostly. She’s always been “love hard, fight hard” when it comes to the people in her personal life.

In the kitchen that day, I tried to make light of the situation, which was a bad idea. “Are you planning on checking the weather?”

Her expression stayed cold. “A fetal doppler is so that we can know if the baby is dead inside of me. ”

The way she said it felt so harsh. “Why are you putting that out there?” I asked.

“What?” Mad Dani was starting to come out. “You mean out into the universe? Like I’m capable of willing something to happen with my thoughts and fears? What a gift…and a curse!”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“So if this one dies, it will be my fault for buying a fetal doppler?”

“Dani, you’re being terrible right now.”

She broke down and started crying. Ethan noticed and frowned, so she went and set him on a play mat in the living room, then walked back into our bedroom. When I came in, she was curled up on the bed.

“I’m sorry, Dani.”

“I’m sorry too,” she said in a cracked voice.

“Noah’s already sleeping. I’m going to put Ethan down and I’ll be back,” I told her. I came right back and curled up behind her.

We made love that night. It was slow and tender. She told me it was exactly what she needed to get her mind off the baby…to focus on our love and the family we already had. She was so affectionate and warm then…attentive in a way that made you want to reciprocate it instantly. At that time, I had never felt so close to a person. I haven’t since, and to be honest, I doubt I ever will.

Two months later, she was looking for the heartbeat on the doppler. She called to me from the bedroom. “Alex, come in here, please!”

By the time I got into our room she was almost hyperventilating, standing at the vanity mirror and holding the wand to her stomach.

“What’s wrong? ”

“Let me lie down on the bed and you try it. I can’t find the heartbeat!” she said, out of breath.

“Try and stay calm.” She was lying on her back horizontally across the bed. She held her sweater up above her bra.

I moved the doppler in a grid slowly over her stomach, listening. The volume was all the way up. We picked up Dani’s heartbeat. “That’s me,” she said.

“I know.” I moved it to the lower part of her stomach, where an early baby bump was forming. I was still moving the doppler wand, but I already knew.

I remember so vividly Dani looking up at me, eyes wide, waiting to hear something. After a couple of minutes, tears began streaming down her face. She wasn’t frowning. Her face wasn’t scrunched up and she wasn’t making a sound, but tears were pouring off her cheeks. This went on for the entire hour it took to get the kids to my mom’s and for us to get to the hospital. A constant and steady stream of emotional pain.

When the doctor came in and did the ultrasound, we all saw the tiny baby, but no heartbeat. At that point, Dani was resigned. She was no longer crying, just numb. The doctor apologized and asked her if she wanted to wait to miscarry naturally or if she wanted a D&C to remove what the doctor described as “fetal tissue.”

“Danielle, this is not an indication that you cannot have more children,” Dr. Lee told her. “I know this is a painful process. We’re going to check all your levels and do a thorough exam in a week or so, and then we’ll make a plan for what’s next. Most of the time a miscarriage is because the baby would not have been viable anyway. You understand that, right?”

Dani nods.

“If it’s because of your body, or hormone levels, there are things we can do, but most often it’s your body doing the exact right thing. You’ve proven you’re capable of carrying to term and having healthy, natural births.”

Dani looked exhausted and vacant behind her eyes. She was just nodding, indifferently. “Okay,” she said.

“We can give you progesterone once you’re pregnant again and it will help build up a more stable lining in your uterus. There are a number of things we can do.”

Dr. Lee was young. She didn’t have any children of her own. I think in Dani’s mind the doctor couldn’t possibly understand, so Dani showed her grace.

“It’s okay. I understand. Thank you, Dr. Lee.”

As they wheeled Dani out of the room, heading for the operating room to perform the D&C, I followed next to her bed as far as they would let me.

At one point Dani looked up at the nurse and said, “I want to know what the sex is.”

The older female nurse nodded and smiled sympathetically. “Of course, honey.”

Right before they took her in, I bent and kissed her forehead, but it was like she wasn’t there. She was staring off into space.

They scheduled an appointment for a week later for her to see her OB-GYN. My mom was there to help her. At that point, Irene’s symptoms were becoming obvious. We realized she had been suffering from early-onset Alzheimer’s probably since around the time Ben died, so my mom started helping Dani a lot more and she took care of her after the second miscarriage.

When Dani came home from the hospital, she mostly just slept for that entire week.

The day of her follow-up appointment to plan next steps, I got a text message from a urologist’s office. It was an appointment reminder that I had a vasectomy scheduled for the following Friday. This was news to me. We had never had a single conversation about a vasectomy or about not having any more kids.

I called Dani immediately. “Hey.” I was gentle with her.

“Hi,” she said.

“What is this appointment you made? We haven’t even talked about this.”

“Fine, then you don’t have to do it. I’ll go get my tubes tied. I don’t want to be on birth control and I don’t want any more kids. It’s my choice. I’m happy with our two. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think they would call you. I was going to talk to you about it tonight.”

“Dani, do you think you should be making this decision right now?”

In a flat voice, almost monotone, Dani said, “I just thought since I spent years on birth control, I’ve given birth twice, unmedicated, and I’ve lost two babies…I thought maybe you could just go ahead and do this. It’s a much simpler procedure for you than it is for me anyway.”

I was stunned into silence. Dani made decisions easily, so I knew she was serious. She wasn’t the type to act fickle or hem and haw.

“I’ll do it, okay?” I told her.

It felt strange that she was essentially taking the decision away from me. What about me? Do I still want kids?

As if she was reading my mind, she said, “I don’t think anything will happen, but if for some reason you end up with someone else, someone who wants to have kids, then you should consider that now, before you do it. I know I don’t. I am a hundred percent certain I do not want any more children.”

“How can you be so sure right now, Dani?”

“I’m sure right now because this feeling is fresh in my mind, in my gut, coursing through my veins. I don’t want to get down the road, having forgotten this hellfire I am living in, and decide I’m strong enough to go through it again. I don’t want to forget that I saw a tiny, dead baby girl the size of a fucking Yukon Gold potato wrapped in a blanket. Do you remember that?”

Right before the D&C was about to be performed, Dani’s body started to deliver the baby on its own. She started to actively miscarry while in the operating room. They called me in to support her, but she didn’t need it. She was drugged up and unengaged, but I stood next to her head anyway and held her limp hand. I guess because Dani asked to know the sex earlier, when the tiny baby came out, the nurse showed it to her and said, “Do you want to hold her?”

Dani was heavily sedated and just glanced at the baby for a second and then mumbled, “No. Cremate her.”

That’s what they did with the first one.

Dani shoved the box containing the ashes from the second miscarriage into the back of the hallway closet, next to the box from the first one. Out of sight, out of mind. We didn’t talk about it until we were having the vasectomy conversation a week later.

“Of course I remember seeing her. I’m sorry. It was horrible.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t tell anyone except you this time. I don’t want any more kids, Alex. I want to be a good mother to the two we have. I don’t want to be a damaged, heartbroken person like this. I need to move past it.”

“I understand. I’ll get the vasectomy, Danielle. I know I’ll never want kids with anyone else.”

“We can always adopt.” Her voice got higher, like there was a hint of hope in it. Looking back now, I realize it wasn’t hope, it was surrender and relief. I know because I felt it too.

—

In the clinic waiting room, Dani is still holding a sleeping Sophia while the boys are sitting on each side of her, playing on their phones. I’m wrapping up paperwork on a patient and Jenna is working faster than I’ve ever seen her. It’s that mom efficiency—she knows at any minute, Sophia is going to wake up screaming, so Jenna is utilizing the time.

When all the work is done, Dani puts Sophia in the car seat for Jenna, who’s still watching in awe. “You’re a miracle worker. Can you come to my house every day?”

“Just try that little technique. It feels weird at first, but it’ll work. In a couple of months, the crying nonstop phase will be over and you’ll be on to the next exhausting thing,” Dani says, laughing with ease.

“I know, I know.” Jenna looks back at me. “You gonna lock up, boss?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

After Jenna leaves, Dani and the boys are waiting for me by the back door. “Dani, I’ll take the boys tonight. I’ll start doing four days this week.”

Dani’s just looking blankly at me. “Okay,” she says in a low voice. I know what she’s thinking right now. She’s wondering what she’s going to do with herself and this extra free time.

“Why don’t you take advantage and get some writing in?” I say.

She frowns. “No, I don’t want to work right now.”

“Oh, hold on!” I run back into my office and dig through my desk drawer. A patient had given me a Burke Williams Spa gift card that I was going to give to Jenna, but I’ve decided Dani should have it .

I hand her the gift card. “What’s this?” she says.

“It’s a spa gift card. You can go get a massage or a facial, or whatever.”

She’s staring at it in her hand like it’s a rare gem I just dug out of some dangerous mine in the Congo. She looks up. “Thank you.” For a moment, she’s earnest, and then her mouth breaks into a teasing smile. “This is uncharacteristically thoughtful of you, Alex.”

I roll my eyes. “Dani, just say ‘thank you’ and be done with it.”

“I did,” she whines. “I’m excited. I’m gonna request a male masseuse.” She winks.

“Mom!” Ethan gripes.

“What? They have stronger hands,” she says, batting her eyelashes.

I can’t help but smile.

—

It’s been two months and I’ve been seeing Kate regularly almost every Thursday and Friday.

It’s…nice.

Her kid is starting to treat me like I’m his dad and that’s worrying me, but I let Kate know that she needs to be honest with him. Last night, she asked me what we were to each other and I didn’t know how to answer.

She was naked, standing near her vanity. Tristan was asleep in his room and I was lying on her bed, fully clothed on top of the comforter. I showed up, as I often did, after I knew Tristan would be asleep. My goal was to not confuse him. Kate was just coming out of the shower when I got there. In her room, she dropped her towel unabashedly and was looking for something to wear in her dresser drawers, while I just laid there watching her.

“Can I ask you something?” she said. That is my least favorite question. It’s rhetorical and has absolutely no point.

“Of course.”

She was lifting a lace-embellished nightgown over her head to put on. “What are we to each other, Alex? You come over, we eat dinner, or we go to dinner when I can get a sitter, then we have sex. You make breakfast in the morning for Tristan and me sometimes, then you leave. If we’re lucky, you spend the day with us. But we’ve never talked about what we’re doing, exactly.”

She came over and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Do we have to name it?” I ask.

“I’m in love with you, Alex.” My stomach dropped. “Did you hear me?” she presses.

“I heard you.”

“You’re not going to respond?”

“I…I love you too, Kate.” It was the worst. So obviously forced.

“Thank you for saying that,” she murmurs.

It blew by her. Or she just wanted to hear it so badly, she didn’t care if it was sincere or not.

The truth is that being with Kate is boring. There’s no way around it. I’m just not imagining any significant future with her. A lot of guys would be into her. She’s beautiful and sexy, and most importantly, she’s sweet, but it would be like eating Kraft Mac & Cheese for the rest of my life. Our conversations are banal at best. It’s like chatting with a patient and I hate small talk. Every time I go to her house, she tells me about some current event she read about or saw on the news and what she thinks of it. Or a TV show she likes. Or she talks gossip about her friends, whom I don’t even know. Sometimes she talks aboutfood or working out. The point is that she talks nonstop about nothing…and I just listen. We never have anything remotely resembling a profound conversation.

I believe Kate feels that because of my age, I’m getting the better end of the bargain in the relationship. Like she’s a 10 and I’m an old 5 who used to be a 9 and wants to feel good about himself. I let her believe that because I like the more confident version of her, but what I know about Kate now is that she should be with someone her own age. She should mature alongside someone at the same stage in life. A person who has had similar experiences that she can relate to.

For now, though, the relationship is serving a purpose, as callous as that sounds. I knew I would have to be up-front with her eventually. But last night, instead of having a conversation about it, I avoided it. She started touching me, things were progressing. I got naked quickly before she began heading south.

About two minutes into what she was doing, she paused, looked up at me, and said, “Am I your girlfriend?”

“Yes, Kate, you’re my girlfriend.”

Now it’s Saturday. I’m at the apartment getting ready to go to the house. I need to tell Dani.

I hear my phone buzzing in the other room, so I go to retrieve it. It’s my mom.

I have a Leave It to Beaver family. My mom and dad are still married, going on fifty years, and they’re happy and healthy—nothing to report. I have a little sister, Amanda, an occupational therapist who is ten years younger than me. She used to work at the clinic, but now she lives in Santa Barbara with her long-term boyfriend, Josh, who is a high school PE teacher. Everyone gets along. My mom and dad are both teachers still, and happy. I’m fairly close with Amanda, considering how far apart in age we are. She always seemed like such a little girl to me, and now it suddenly hits me that I’m dating someone younger than her.

I answer the phone. I figure talking to my mom about Kate first will make telling Dani and the boys easier.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, honey. Listen, for Thanksgiving we’re gonna do it here. Your sister and Josh are coming down and they’re staying the whole weekend. Amanda misses you guys. Anyway, your dad wants to show off the winter garden.” She lowers her voice. “He never stops talking about it.” I can almost see her eyes rolling through the phone. “Oh yeah, and guess what? We set up a TV in the garage so the boys can play those virtual murder games.”

“It’s Super Mario Kart, Mom,” I say.

“Whatever, let’s talk about the menu.”

“I have something to tell you.” I realize I haven’t even asked Dani about the holidays.

“Well, go on, then,” she says.

“I’m seeing someone. I have a…girlfriend.”

I wish I could see her face, or maybe I don’t. She loves Dani. “Alex…” She’s quiet and calm. “Alex, that’s really great.” I don’t believe her.

“Great?”

“Dani is bringing that delicious sweet potato casserole she makes and an apple pie. I thought you could bring some rolls?”

Rolls are reserved for the shitty cooks and she knows it. My mother is doing a very good job of changing the subject.

“Mom, I told you about Kate because I was going to tell the boys that I’m seeing her and introduce them to her son. She has a six-year-old.” My mother is still silent. “I want to bring them to Thanksgiving.”

I do not actually want to bring Kate and Tristan to Thanksgiving, but Kate asked if she could meet my family. She also said her parents would be out of town for the holiday—in Idaho, at her sister’s house. I can’t leave Kate and Tristan home alone on Thanksgiving. I don’t know how Dani is going to react, but I figure in a week and a half I should have everyone prepared and accepting of the reality that I am seeing someone.

My mother huffs loudly through the phone, signaling that she’s irritated with the conversation. “Okay, Alex, bring your new girlfriend and her kid. Have you cleared this with Dani?”

“I’m going to talk to her about it today.”

“Who is this person anyway?”

“It’s Kate, remember the temp at the clinic who was taking over for Jenna?”

I hear her laugh once. “Alex…isn’t she like half your age?”

“No, not half.” I already feel like an idiot about this whole thing, but I refuse to walk away from this conversation with my tail between my legs. “I deserve to be happy. Dani deserves to be happy too. Right now, Kate is making me happy and I want to bring her and her kid to Thanksgiving, and I expect everyone to be nice to them.”

“Alex—”

“Mom, listen…can you please call Amanda and tell her and Josh and also let Dad know?”

“Okay, fine,” she says in a low voice.

We say goodbye and I’m somewhat relieved that the first step is out of the way. I gather my stuff and head to the house.

Dani is rinsing off the driveway when I pull up, so I park on the street. “What happened?” I ask as I get out of the car.

“Louie Louie puked in the driveway after I took him for a run.” It’s still funny to me that we named our chocolate Lab Louie Louie and Dani is the only person who calls him by his full name. I think she just likes saying it. She looks so thin right now, it seems concerning that she’s running .

“Why are you running?”

“Because I’m training for the Olympics,” she says, while shutting the hose off and coiling it up.

When she stands up, I block her from going inside. “Funny, Dani, but seriously, you’re so thin.”

“This is how I was when we got married. I’ve been so stressed lately, fatigue from work and writing. I’m not trying to lose any more weight, I just want to get back in shape.”

“Okay.”

There’s a long pause. She looks around as if to say, Why are you still standing in my way?

“Can I talk to you?” I ask.

“I’m all ears.”

“Can we sit down?”

“Are you serious, Alex? No, just tell me. What, do you have a girlfriend or something?”

How does she always know things? It’s a sixth sense. “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay. And?”

“I’m going to tell the boys tonight. She has a son who is six. I’m going to take the boys to meet her and her son at Applebee’s so they can all get to know each other.”

Dani winces. “Applebee’s?”

“Is that really all you have to say?” I ask her.

“No, actually I do have a few questions. Let’s go inside. The boys are upstairs.”

I sit down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and watch Dani wash her hands. She comes over and stands across from me.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Kate.”

She looks to the ceiling like she’s searching her mind. “The teenage temp? ”

“She’s thirty.”

“Well, come on, Alex, do I have to pry this crap out of you? What is she like? You’re obviously serious if the boys are going to meet her. So, she has a kid? Are you prepared to be a stepfather? Have you thought this through?”

“Quit talking down to me, Dani. We’re not married anymore, you don’t have a right to treat me like a child. You didn’t then and you don’t now. And no one said I’m going to marry her anyway.”

She’s staring, unemotional. She blinks a few times. “You’re right. I’m still their mom though.”

I raise my voice and say, “No one is saying you’re not!”

“Goddammit, Alex, let me finish. This conversation is not about you and me. This is about the boys. About how they are going to take it!”

Out of the corner of my eye I spot Ethan in the doorway of the kitchen. “Take what?”

Dani looks up, startled. She then turns to me. That’s my cue.

“Will you go get your brother, please?”

“What’s wrong?” Ethan asks. He looks concerned, his arms folded over his chest. Ethan is smart and mature, but he’s still only twelve. He’s wearing pajama pants with dinosaurs on them, for Christ’s sake. It’s starting to hit me.

How will they take the news?

“It’s nothing bad,” Dani says. “Just go get Noah so we don’t have to repeat this.”

After Ethan walks out, I say, “One last thing, Dani. I’m bringing Kate and Tristan to Thanksgiving at my mom’s.”

In true Dani form, she says, “Whatever, Alex. You better prepare Kate for the fact that your parents like me more than you.” She laughs as she refills her coffee. The boys come into the kitchen and sit at the counter. It’s silent. Dani is staring at me with wide eyes. “Well, I’m not gonna tell them, Alex. This is all you.”

“Guys, listen. I’ve been seeing a woman.”

Dani laughs through her nose once and I know it’s because I called Kate a woman.

“Okay,” Noah says. “So?”

“It’s Kate from the clinic,” I add.

“Okay, Dad. Can we go now?” Ethan asks.

“Listen, she has a son, Tristan, he’s six. I want you guys to meet him and get to know Kate better tonight. We’re going tomeet them at Applebee’s.”

“Applebee’s?” Ethan asks. He’s not being condescending, he’s actually confused.

“Yes, Applebee’s!” I bark. “What is everyone’s problem with it?” Dani is laughing to herself in the corner of the kitchen.

“Okay, whatever,” Noah says as he gets up from the stool and heads for the hallway.

Ethan stands and walks over to Dani. Without saying a word, he wraps his arms around her for a hug, like he’s checking in with her to see if she’s okay.

“All this stuff probably feels a little weird for you guys, but everything will be good,” Dani says to Ethan as he hugs her. “We’re still your mom and dad and we’re still here for you.”

They’re comforting each other. I feel guilt for the first time. It’s hard not to when Dani is handling the situation and the boys with such grace.