Chapter 36
Enid
Iblinked my eyes open to sunlight, warmth, and a firm mattress under my back. I tried to sit up, but strong hands pushed me back down.
“Don’t,” a voice that I would recognize anywhere said. “Just rest.”
“Nevan.” His hands released me, and I shot up despite his warning, then winced as a sharp pain ricocheted through my head.
“Enid,” Nevan warned, “remember who the healer is here?”
I didn’t care. My blurry vision focused on him, and I threw my arms around his neck. “You’re alive. You’re alive, you’re alive, you’re alive.” I kissed all over his face, unable to stop touching him and feeling his body. “Wait. How are you alive?”
“You’re going to have to stop touching me like that.” He gently pushed me to arm’s length.
“What happened?” I asked, unable to remember much of anything, my brain so foggy and tired. All I knew was that I’d been close to losing Nevan, and now he was here in front of me, and he was okay.
Vine was curled up beside me, coiled and still.
“It’s been by your side since we got back. Hasn’t left, not even to catch food. It’s been really worried about you.”
“How long have I been asleep?” I asked.
“A day,” Nevan said.
I wasn’t surprised.
“And I don’t know what happened. I was hoping you’d tell me.” I realized Nevan wasn’t wearing his spectacles. The sound of crunching glass filled my ears, and suddenly it all came rushing back.
“You fell in the mud pit chasing me,” I said. “Stupid, stubborn man.”
He grinned. “It was worth it.”
My heart clenched tight. “Don’t say that.”
“You saved me,” he said. “But how? How did you get me out of that mud? I woke up, half my body still encased while you were passed out next to me. I dug the rest of the way out, then carried you back to Fairwitch. Luckily a lily pad was waiting for us right inside the barrier.”
I swallowed and looked down at my amulet. “I managed to get the plants in the bog to help, and I pulled you along with them, but I exerted so much effort I must’ve lost consciousness.”
He rubbed his jaw, his mind working through what I’d just told him.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said quickly, hoping he’d just leave it at that and not ask any more questions. “Either way, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for running away.”
Our entire conversation before I’d taken off flooded my memories, and my heart felt like it might implode all over again.
I’d been a coward. I had no problem telling off his entire family, but when it came to Nevan, I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart. Or maybe I was afraid of breaking my own. Either way, nothing had changed between last night and now.
My magic had always been twisted, warped, and if Nevan found out my identity, he’d also find out all the terrible ways my magic had hurt people over the years. Had destroyed. He wouldn’t love me then.
“Can we finish our conversation?” he asked. “Or would you rather wait—”
“No,” I said quickly. I leaned back against the headboard.
I couldn’t keep running from this. I’d run last night, and look what had happened.
Nevan had nearly died trying to tell me how he felt.
I had to let him say what he needed, and then I’d have to completely break his heart.
And the worst part of it all was that I wouldn’t be able to tell him why.
At least not every detail.
“Enid, what I was trying to say last night before you ran away . . .”
My breath hitched, my heart squeezing tighter and tighter, and I braced for impact.
“Is that I don’t want this to be pretend anymore.
” He grabbed my hands, his impossibly warm and strong.
I wanted so badly to squeeze them in return, to lean into him, but I made myself stay still.
“I love you,” he said breathlessly. “I love you in a way I never thought I could love anyone. You make me better. You make me braver. You make me want things for myself, and most of all, you make me not afraid to go after those things for the first time ever. But right now, what I want more than anything is you. So I’m going after it, and I’m telling you that I want this for real. No more pretending.”
Tears welled in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. Stupid fucking tear ducts. I was ready to rip these things out.
“Hey.” Nevan thumbed them away. “What’s going on?”
“Nevan.” I shook my head. “I can’t—We can’t do this.”
His face fell, but a determined look flashed in his eyes.
“No. I’m not taking no for an answer. I know that you love me too.
I can feel it in the way you kiss me . .
.” He leaned forward, voice dropping low, warm breath dusting my skin.
“In the way you look at me.” His cheek pressed to mine as he whispered, “In the way you stood up for me.”
I wrenched backward violently, the movement making me dizzy. “Yes. I love you. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Yeah,” he said with a laugh. “It is, actually.”
“It doesn’t change anything.”
Confusion flitted across his face. “Why?”
“Because you and I are from different worlds, Nevan.”
“Why does that matter?”
I backed to the edge of the bed. “It just does. No one will ever accept me. And eventually you’ll tire of it.”
“No, I won’t,” he argued.
“You’ll resent me.”
“Never.”
I curled my hands into fists. “Enough,” I said, voice a deadly calm. “Enough of this.”
Nevan’s eyes grew wide, pain flashing in them.
“My answer is no. I do love you, but love isn’t enough, not when I don’t want a relationship with you.”
His jaw ticked. “Okay,” he said finally, sounding so defeated it utterly crushed me. He looked away. “I guess I’ll leave you alone, then.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t even look at him. I just needed him to leave. To get out of here before I completely lost all my composure.
He got up from the bed, sniffling, tears wetting his eyes. “I forgot to tell you. I brought you some tea and a cupcake. Figured they’d make you feel better.”
With that, he walked down the stairs, his boots thudding across the floor, and finally, the cottage door creaked open and clicked shut.
Tears streamed down my face, and I covered my mouth to muffle my sobs. Vine stretched around my shoulders, squeezing me tight.
“I can’t be with him,” I said through tears.
Vine let go of me and pointed to my heart.
“Oh, so someone was awake during our conversation?” I raised a brow, but Vine refused to let me deflect.
It laid its tail against my heart.
“Yes, I love him,” I said miserably. “But it doesn’t matter. You know why I can’t be with him. It would be disingenuous to start a relationship with someone who doesn’t even know who I really am. If he’s making the choice to love me, to be with me, he should know me.”
Vine lifted my amulet and shook it in front of my face, the green smoke swishing and swirling.
“Why don’t I tell him about my magic?” I huffed. “How can you ask that? I’m a”—I lowered my voice—“a demi-godwitch. And not just any demi-godwitch. The one who created all these monstrosities that attack people.”
Vine stiffened.
“Sorry,” I said. “But that’s how everyone views you, you know.”
It shook its head, and I collapsed back onto the bed.
“Yes it is. They might like to pet you and coo at you, but at the end of the day, they’ll turn on you. They’ll turn on me.” I swallowed, thinking about Nevan hating me, giving me up to the brotherhood or experimenting on me. I couldn’t bear it.
Vine shook its head again.
I crossed my arms. “I wasn’t aware you knew Nevan so well. You can’t tell me you know for certain he wouldn’t turn on me if he found out my identity.”
Vine stubbornly kept its tail pressed to my heart.
I groaned, growing frustrated. It felt like we were talking in circles. “He doesn’t love the real me, Vine. He loves the Enid who’s just a peculiar woman with an affinity for plants.”
Vine slumped to the bed, finally giving up.
I swallowed back my tears. I’d cried enough for one day. Cried enough for a lifetime. Now I just wanted to sleep and forget all of this ever happened.
My gaze caught on the teacup and the little cake with frosting that sat on my nightstand.
I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing it would be ginger tea, exactly what I’d told Nevan I’d want if I needed comfort.
And that little cake—Nevan had called it a cupcake.
I’d been staring at it through the bakery window on our first date, and Nevan had noticed. Of course he had.
I grabbed the dessert and took a bite, finally letting my heart break into a million pieces.