Chapter 47
I inhale and take in my surroundings. Trees, grass, shrubs, water. I recognize it. The sun is blazing up above, the sky a vivid blue, a few fluffy clouds dotted around. No city noise, just tweeting birds and branches swaying in the gentle breeze.
It’s a perfect day.
I smile as I trudge down to the small barrier between the lake and the path, looking across the water to the island. Ducks, hundreds of them, bob on the surface, weaving perfect paths through the water, cute ducklings following them. It’s spring. My favorite season of the year. It’s the season I met my wife.
It’s just past seven in the evening. What the hell am I doing in the park at this time? She’ll be at home waiting for me.
I start walking up the path but slow to a gradual stop when I realize I don’t know where my car’s parked. “Fuck,” I curse, reaching into my pocket for my mobile. No phone. And as I gaze around the park, I realize it’s empty. At seven o’clock in the evening on a beautiful spring day?
I frown, my eyes dropping down my suited front, and some unknown, higher power has me reaching for my jacket. I pull back one side. “What the fuck?” I whisper, staring at the knife plunged in my side. I turn on the spot, my eyes darting, panic rising. But where’s the pain? There’s blood, so much fucking blood, but where’s the pain? I stagger a few paces forward, and then I see someone in the distance. A man with a child on his shoulders. They’re blurry, but definitely there. Help me.
But as they get closer, I realize he’s not a man.
He’s a young lad.
My brother.
“Jake?” I breathe, not nearly loud enough for him to hear me, but he hears, smiling back at me, getting closer while I stand stock-still, mesmerized by the sight of him. His floppy hair, the cheeky twinkle in his eye. I follow his arms up to the hands he’s holding either side of his face. Small, chubby hands. “Oh my God,” I whisper, meeting Rosie’s eyes.
“Daddy,” she sings, jumping up and down on Jake’s shoulders, making him laugh.
“Steady, girl, my shoulders aren’t as big as your dad’s.”
Confused as fuck, I look at my shoulders. Wide shoulders in an expensive suit. Older shoulders. What the hell is going on? Looking up at my girl, I stare, transfixed. Awed. I just want to grab her down and squeeze her. And Jake too. “Where are we?” I ask. “What is this?” I move forward and nearly knock myself out when I crash into something invisible. “The fuck?” I blurt, ricocheting back.
“Watch your mouth, Daddy.”
I recoil, surprised, as Jake laughs his adolescent nuts off and Rosie chuckles, the sound squeaky and completely adorable. “Watch your mouth, bro.” Jake smirks.
I tentatively reach forward with my hand, feeling for the glass blocking my way to them. Could I smash it?
“No,” Jake says. “I wouldn’t even try.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We’re in heaven, Daddy!”
“We are?” I look around, so fucking confused. “It looks like St. James’s Park to me.”
“Heaven is wherever you want it to be,” Jake says. “We chose here, didn’t we, Rosie?”
“Quack, quack, quack.”
I laugh lightly, but it’s tinged with nerves. “Heaven,” I muse, looking down at my stomach. At the knife.
“You’re not in heaven,” Jake says, winning my attention.
“Where am I then?”
“Well, you’re kind of in-between.”
“What? In-between where and where?” Shit, am I going down instead of up?
“It’s not your time yet, Jesse,” Jake says, smiling, backing up. Where’s he going? I’m not done.
“Wait,” I yell, my hands on the invisible barrier between us, my eyes bouncing between my brother and daughter, desperate to go with them. But?—
“Ava,” I whisper. It’s not my time.
“You’re going to have a girl and a boy!” Rosie sings.
“What?”
“You better name the boy after me,” Jake says, chuckling. “And let me tell you, if you think the past twenty years have been a punishment, wait until you meet your little girl.” He’s getting farther and farther away, fading.
“Jake, wait,” I call, my palms feeling across the barrier, my face pushed up close. “Please don’t go.” Don’t leave me.
“You’re needed, bro.” His smile is like a balm, but I see the sadness in his green eyes. He misses me. “We’re good.”
“You’re good,” I murmur.
“And Daddy?” Rosie says, palms on the top of Jake’s head, leaning closer as he continues to back away.
“What, baby girl?” I whisper, taking her in, every beautiful inch of her, refreshing all the memories I have of her. “Take the money.”
“The money?” I frown. “What money? I have money.”
“See you soon, Daddy.”
“It’s not that soon, my girl.” Jake laughs, eyes on me. “You’re never alone, Jesse.” He smiles. “Even when you’re alone.” Jake looks past me, and then I hear her.
“Jesse, please, open your eyes.”
I look back over my shoulder.
“Why isn’t he waking up? It’s been too long.”
“Ava?” I question, searching for her in the blankness.
“Go to her,” Jake calls.
“But what about you?” I ask, my panic rising again. Am I supposed to choose? “I should be with you.” It should have always been me.
I face the glass again, feel it. Search the space beyond.
They’re gone.
And my heart breaks all over again.