Chapter 42 June #2
My head rested on his shoulder. I drew in a deeper breath. “I lied to you.”
His arms tightened around me. “About what?”
“I don’t hate you.”
I felt him swallow hard.
“I don’t hate you at all. And the kiss did ruin everything because I was perfectly fine living my life just being your friend. I never had a crush on you. I never wanted you. I know you didn’t want me either.”
“That’s not true,” he whispered. “I’ve wanted you the last few years, but I never did anything. But then . . .”
“We kissed.”
He nodded. “And I couldn’t ignore the way you made me feel.”
“It scares me so much,” I whispered. “It’s so much easier to push you away than let you in.
To push Madi away. God.” I squeezed my eyes shut, more tears spilling over.
“I was so mean to her for no reason. She was trying to be vulnerable and I pushed her away. I push anyone away that tries to see me. I’ve never dated anyone seriously.
I’ve never let myself be loved. Anytime someone got close or anytime I started feeling that way, I always ended the relationship.
But I can’t end a relationship with you because you’re my friend. ”
Dallas released a soft hum. A beat of silence followed, but then he shook his head. “Is this why you made the friends-with-benefits proposal?”
I nodded, feeling myself sinking.
“And today is homecoming. She sent us a text this morning.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I hurt her feelings. I hurt your feelings. I’m . . .”
“Sorry?”
I leaned back. “What?”
Dallas let out a soft snort and waited for it to click. Patiently.
My eyes widened slightly. “I am sorry. Of course I am.”
“Are you?”
“I am,” I insisted. “I hate how I am. I hate this part of myself. I hate myself.”
“June.” He slid his fingers through my hair, cradling the back of my head.
“You’ve got to stop thinking of yourself the way your mother wants you to.
You don’t deserve it. Something you said to Madi and I stuck with me through the night, which is that we’ve earned our love.
We’ve earned being seen and cared for by someone else. But why do you think you haven’t?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “It’s so ingrained into me. I’ve fought to let go of all the things I was told growing up, but that one still sticks to me like glue.”
“You know the best way to get glue off?”
I fought a smile. “What?”
“Letting two people love you.”
“I don’t think that’s how you get glue off.” But, I found myself really smiling. “It’s scary. You’re scary. Madi is scary.”
“You know what’s scarier?”
“What?”
“The thought of losing you.”
His answer left me speechless. His expression buckled and I saw the pain there. The sadness.
“You have no idea how much I want you in my life, June. How much I wish that every morning I’d wake up with you by my side.
I want us to give this a chance. A real chance.
Without a sex proposal, without any rules, without any fear.
All of us deserve that.” He sucked in a breath.
“But I can’t be the only one who wants it. ”
I wanted it.
I knew that I did. I’d been fighting that desire so much, but it was there. Deep and longing and wishing.
Dallas and Madi made all the hardened parts of me softer.
They’d dug their way through the chainmail around my heart.
“It makes me want to run away,” I whispered. “But I want it too.”
“As long as I know you want it, I’ll always catch you.”
“Hmm . . .” I pressed my forehead to his. “Won’t you get tired?”
“No. Never. Besides, running is my favorite thing to do as long as it’s running toward you. I love you, June. I love you. I want you to be in my life forever. Madi loves you too.”
I sucked in a breath. “What? Did she say that?”
“She doesn’t have to. It’s written all over her face every time she looks at you. It’s there on her lips every time she kisses you. I love you. She loves you. And we . . .”
“Love her,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “I love her.”
He nodded. He’d known.
“And I love you.” I shook my head as a weight lifted off my chest. “I love you.”
“I know,” he whispered, his smile soft.
For the first time—I didn’t fight the feeling of being loved.
I let it wrap itself around me like my favorite wool blanket.
I let it hold me like steady, strong arms.
I let it rescue me from all of the sadness, the fear, the pain that I’d been letting drag me down for so long.
I let myself rest in it instead of running.
No more running.
“I need to make a few calls,” I whispered. “I need to call my brother and tell him about our mom. We need to make a report or something to document that she’s trying to cause problems. But, more than that, we need to go to homecoming.”
Dallas slowly smiled. “I never thought I’d hear you, of all people, say that. Should I get you a mum?”
“God, no. I’d be happy if I never saw one again.”
“You say that every year.”
“And I’ll keep saying it every year.” I smiled and slid my hand into his, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Will you go to homecoming with me, Dallas Whynot? And help me beg Madi for a chance. A real chance.”
“I will.”