Thornbird

Chapter Forty-Four You Make It Worthwhile

Forty-four

You Make It Worthwhile

Over the next few weeks, things begin to settle, in the way wounds slowly close but never quite disappear.

There’s a somber procession of memorials and burial services for my father’s victims. I don’t attend any of them.

I don’t feel like it’s my place, even though I’m one of the people who found their remains.

Which means I get one-fifth of the reward.

For all of five minutes, that is.

Of my two-hundred-thousand-dollar cut, I only keep enough for myself to live off for a year while I decide what to do after graduation.

The rest I ask Natalie and the other family members to donate to a charity for victims of violence.

It doesn’t feel right to keep it when my father is the reason for the families’ suffering.

The truth about Everett’s mother barely makes a blip on the nightly news.

Since he was only seven, he isn’t charged, but JP doesn’t escape unscathed.

Everett’s dad is charged with obstruction of justice and improper disposal of human remains but is eventually given a slap on the wrist, the sheriff deciding the James family has suffered enough.

The community takes a divided stance, some murmuring about JP’s grave sin, others whispering that he acted only to protect his child.

With no more bombshells left to drop, the media is gradually leaving the area, and now Starling is almost back to normal.

I skip prom, but Jasmine attends with Bo, and Connor takes Sam, and Jasmine is practically floating on air when she returns later that night.

She did indeed give up her V-card, and “Oh my God, cousin, it was so magical,” she declares when she fills me in the next morning.

A couple of days before graduation, Everett and I meet on the trail between our houses. I haven’t seen him since the night in the well. He looks thinner and a lot less cocky, and his eyes hold shadows they didn’t have before.

“Nikki’s still not speaking to me,” he says when I ask how he’s doing. “Or to Dad, for that matter.”

I frown. “That’s hard. But I get it. She’s dealing with a lot.”

“Yeah.” He rakes a hand through his hair. “I’m deferring my scholarship for a year. I’m going to stay and try to patch things up with her. Try to be the big brother she deserves.”

“That’s good.”

He reaches out, gently brushing a strand of hair from my face, his fingers lingering on my cheek.

His gaze softens, and then he leans in. I know he’s going to kiss me, and I let him.

It’s a lingering kiss that holds everything we’ve been through and everything we never were.

When we pull back, there’s a sadness between us.

“Do you forgive me for sending those messages?” he asks.

“Yeah. I do.”

“I really did like you, Gemini.”

I smile at him. “I liked you too, Everest. But let’s face it—you’re too cheerful and optimistic for a cynic like me.”

“Hey. Might I remind you, I killed someone? Technically that makes me a bad boy now, doesn’t it?”

His voice is light, but the joke is a dark one, the kind I never thought he’d make. It makes me laugh in spite of myself.

“Maybe.” I nudge his shoulder. “But even bad boys need a fresh start. After you fix things with Nikki and your dad, go to Alabama. Roll Tide. Start over. Leave all of this behind.”

“I will.”

“And forgive yourself. You were just a kid, and what happened with your mom was an accident.”

As I say those words, something shifts in me. I feel the weight of my own childhood, the terror and helplessness of hiding under the bed while my father shot my mother. I was just a kid too. I couldn’t have stopped him. I hid because I was scared.

That doesn’t make me weak; it makes me human.

I feel the shackles of guilt start to loosen. I’ve carried this for so long, but now I realize I don’t have to.

We both deserve to start again.

I need to pick up my cap and gown at the high school today, but I’ve been helping Maggie with an open house, so I’m cutting it super close by the time I make it to the gym.

I get there just as they’re about to wrap things up. Most of the gowns have already been claimed.

“You almost missed it, Miss Shipley,” Principal Healey chides as the volunteer hands me the cap, gown, and tassel. “I hope you’re not late for graduation.” I’m about to apologize when she adds, “That goes for you too, Mr. Hedlund.”

I turn to see Chase sauntering into the gym. “I’m hurt,” he says. “I’d wait around all day for you, Principal Healey.”

He collects his cap and gown, winking at me.

As we walk down the empty hall together afterward, he says, “Have you made up your mind yet?”

“About what?”

“The epic road trip? I’m leaving the day after graduation.”

I hug the garment bag to my chest as I try to keep up with his long strides. “I still can’t tell if you’re joking.”

“I never joke.”

“I don’t know if I can. Or, I guess, if I should.”

Chase flashes a cocky grin. “You definitely should.”

“What about everything that happened? What about Everett?”

“What about him? Everett’s my friend, sure, but I know he’d get it. He’d want you to be happy.”

I let out a breath, wanting so badly to believe him. To believe that I deserve something good after everything. But another part still fights, still clings to the darkness because it’s the only thing that’s felt certain for so long.

“Chase,” I start, but he shakes his head, stepping in closer until there’s barely any space between us.

“You think I don’t have darkness too?” he murmurs. “That’s part of life, Ryan. The dark just makes the light feel worthwhile. And you…you make it worthwhile.”

I open my eyes, meeting his, and the intensity in his gaze makes it hard to breathe.

“I…” I fiddle with the locket around my neck. My mom’s diamond. I haven’t taken it off since I got it back. “I…should go,” I finally say, and then hurry off before he can stop me.

Graduation feels surreal, like I’m floating above it all, watching the crowd of beaming parents and graduates, hearing their goodbyes and see you soons.

My mind is already on the road ahead of me, which is more bittersweet than I expected.

I found a real family in this town, and while I don’t want to say goodbye to them, every part of me feels ready to leave Starling behind.

After the ceremony, Maggie, Dan, and my cousins take me out to lunch, and we pile into a booth at the diner. It’s supposed to be a celebration, but I pick at my food, trying to push down the emotions tightening my throat and eddying in my stomach.

Maggie reaches across the table for my hand, giving me that gentle, motherly smile she’s been wearing a lot lately. “You’re really leaving us, huh?”

I nod, looking down at our joined hands. “Only for a little while. I’m visiting my friend Jess in Philly, and then…I don’t know. Wherever I end up, I guess.”

Dan clears his throat, his voice a bit rough. “Wherever you go, you’ve got us. We’re here. Always.”

I smile, swallowing hard. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

“But don’t you dare go silent on us,” Maggie warns. “I’m serious. You check in once a week or we’re coming to find you.”

“Once a week,” I promise with a laugh. “I can do that.”

I can tell this is harder for them than they’re letting on. Saying goodbye. We talk about other things after that. Jasmine’s summer plans, Connor’s attempt to find a part-time job.

There’s another goodbye I’ve been putting off.

Chase leaves tomorrow too, on his parallel road trip.

Which makes me feel a bit foolish, because why should we take two different trips when we could be taking one epic trip together?

But the idea of committing to leaving town with him, committing to being with him…

it’s terrifying. Overwhelming. And it makes me want to run. Hide.

That night, I’m placing clothes in my suitcase when Jasmine walks into our bedroom. Soon to be her bedroom again. She perches on the edge of my bed, watching me pack.

“So you’re really going through with it?” she asks, looking at the piles of stuff strewn across the bed.

I nod, folding a sweater. “I think it’s what I need.”

She picks at a loose thread on my comforter, averting her gaze. “Just don’t forget us, okay? You know, when you’re off being cool and taking all these amazing nature photos, just remember we exist back here.”

“Like I could ever forget you, Jazzy. One, you’re, like, the most unforgettable person ever. And two, you’re my family.”

Jasmine shrugs, but I glimpse the shine of emotion in her eyes. “Stop being so sappy, cousin.”

She leaves me to my packing, but I’m distracted when a text from Mar pops up on my phone. She sent me the selfie that the three of us—Mar, Ty, and I—took after the ceremony earlier. As I stare at our smiling faces, I can’t help but wonder what the future holds for all of us.

Well, for Mar, it’s college out of state. She’s majoring in photography and art, and I know she’ll kick ass at both. For Ty, it’s Vanderbilt.

For me…it’s a little fuzzier.

I’m still not sure, but I think I’m actually excited. Even a little hopeful. I haven’t felt this way in, well…ever.

Although I haven’t had a nightmare since we found my father’s bunker, I’m still not the best sleeper. I don’t plan on doing any more hypnosis, but maybe Dr. Wilmer has some strategies for how to shut off my brain. It’s always on, no matter how hard I try to turn it off.

I’m grateful when the morning sun starts to filter through the blinds, because it gives me an excuse to get up. I have breakfast with Maggie and Dan at the kitchen counter. By the time the twins roll out of bed, my suitcase is on the porch and the Uber driver is pulling up to collect me.

Still wearing her pajamas, Jasmine steps onto the porch and pouts at me. “I can’t believe you’re leaving.”

“I’ll call and text,” I assure her.

“You’d better,” Connor says, tugging me in for a hug. “And you’d better come back and visit us.”

“I will. I promise.”

I hoist my backpack over my shoulder and look at my aunt and uncle.

They pull me into a tight embrace, and emotion clogs my throat because it’s so fricking nice to feel like I’m part of a family.

Like I belong. As Dan said yesterday, it doesn’t matter where I am—I’ll always have them to lean on. That’s what family is for.

“Thank you for everything,” I tell them. “I, um, love you guys.”

My aunt’s eyes get a little misty. “We love you too, darlin’.”

I glance at the Uber. “I have to go.”

“Call us!” Maggie shouts as I carry my suitcase to the waiting car.

I greet the driver, a gray-haired man with kind eyes, but my gaze stays glued to the window. As he turns the car around and steers up the driveway, I watch the Shipley home get smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears into the trees.

Once we’re on the road, the driver says, “Nashville, here we come.”

I lean forward, catching his eye in the rearview mirror. “Actually, I have one stop to make first.”

Ten minutes later, we’re in Starling, and the driver pulls up in front of the animal shelter.

“Do you mind waiting for me? I won’t be long.” I offer a rueful smile. “I tip really well.”

That makes him chuckle. “Take your time, hon.”

When I enter the shelter, JP looks up from the desk, his face breaking into a warm smile at the sight of me.

“Well, look who decided to stop by!” he says, clearly touched. “Didn’t think I’d get a goodbye visit.”

I force a smile, but it feels tight. “I’m not here to say goodbye.”

Everett’s dad raises an eyebrow, his smile fading a little. “Oh. All right.”

Without another word, I set my purse down on the counter. I reach inside and pull out a small plastic baggie, holding it up for him to see.

Inside, two chipped red fingernails glint under the fluorescent lights.

JP stares at the baggie. “What…what’s that?”

“These,” I say quietly, “are fingernails, JP. They were stuck in the stone at the top of your wishing well. They fell out when I was climbing the ladder, but I didn’t realize what they were at the time. I thought it was chunks of concrete until I got home later and saw them, caught on my sweater.”

JP’s eyes shutter. He swallows hard, looking anywhere but at the bag.

“Thing is, these were thirty feet above the ground,” I continue, my voice growing softer.

“Thirty feet above where your wife supposedly died on impact.” A shiver runs through me.

“Someone in that well tried to climb the ladder. Tried to push the lid off, to pry it open. Tried so hard that she ripped her own nails out.”

I let that sink in, watching his reaction. He doesn’t even blink.

“And considering what I’ve heard about Leah’s love of red nail polish and how she used to paint Nikki’s nails the same shade…I’m guessing that someone was Leah.”

Only the slight twitch at the corner of his jaw betrays his agitation.

“Did you know?” My voice is sharper now, no longer a question I need him to answer but one I demand he does. “Did you know she was still alive when you sealed her in?”

His shoulders slump. I can see the fight slowly draining from him.

“Yes,” he says. “I did.”