Chapter Two
America
He looks good. Scruffier. His dark blond hair has lighter streaks in it and curls at the edges now. He’s more tanned under that navy Henley with the buttons open at the throat. It’s weird seeing him without a tie. It takes me back in time to when both he and EJ were still in college and weren’t taking themselves as seriously as they do now.
But there’s a coolness in his eyes. A wariness toward me that wasn’t there the last time we spoke. He takes a drink from the second glass he’s carrying. “What are you doing here?”
“Well…er…” I am never tongue-tied. But heartbreak looks good on him. God, so good. I have a thing for aloof men. And he is the original untouchable that started that trend.
“Girls’ weekend,” Dove explains so that I don’t have to announce that I’m failing at life, which feels like exactly what is burbling to the surface. Or accidentally reveal that I have a more than decade-long crush on him by saying something equally stupid about how he’s looking good for someone who is not single by choice.
He gives me butterflies and heart palpitations, while I remind him of his ex. Talk about awkward.
I don’t know what else I expected though. This is the first time I’ve seen him since Indy chose Theo over him. It’s not like with EJ where their relationship existed long before he got involved with Indy, although I’m sure their friendship has had to weather difficult moments these past few months. He and Indy were officially together for eight years.
It’s probably why he and EJ are meeting here in Positano. Thousands of miles from home. Because everything about home must be painful to Gray.
Including me. I was the third wheel. Always included because I was Indy’s best friend, and we were inseparable from the time we learned how to crawl until I left for Cambridge. And while Gray and I became friends, it doesn’t feel like we are now. But I can’t really blame him for seeing memories of her when he sees me.
“I’d love to buy you a drink,” EJ says to Dove.
“I’d love you to buy me a drink too,” Dove rests her hand on his chest and moves closer to his side.
“Hang on. Didn’t we just swear off dicks, men, and men who are dicks?” EJ isn’t a dick most of the time, but he qualifies on the other two points.
“That was before.” Dove tips her head toward EJ with a coy smile.
“Wait,” Gray grumps. “Did you just call us dicks?”
“No. That wasn’t what I was saying.” I rub the dip at the base of my throat. That truly was not what I meant.
“You two coming?” EJ asks, casually ignoring our dick conversation. He places his hand on the small of Dove’s back. “I’m buying.”
“Please. I need this,” Dove mouths at me while EJ makes deep and meaningful conversation with Gray via his eyebrows.
“It’ll be fun,” EJ says.
“Fine.” Gray shakes his head as though he can’t believe his best friend would hang him out to dry for a chance at spending time with a hot blonde with a British accent.
It is unusual behavior for EJ, but then the man doesn’t have a lot of time to relax between arguing in court and writing ridiculously long documents full of legalese. The women he usually mingles with outside of work tend to be people he’s met through work, so that his downtime too becomes an extension of his career.
So if he wants to hang out with Dove for fun, that should be encouraged. Besides, I miss hanging out with him. So this will be good, right? It won’t be any more awkward than it already has been. “I’m in.”
Drinks are bought and we find an empty booth to pile into. Dove is practically on EJ’s lap while I slide in opposite her. Next to me Gray concentrates on the drink in his glass, tipping it this way and that like it’s uniquely interesting.
I’ve been the third wheel enough times to know when a couple is oblivious to anyone else. EJ moves Dove fully onto his lap within a few minutes of their conversation growing more intense.
I should say something to Gray considering EJ and Dove aren’t going to carry on a conversation outside of the two of them.
“Look at him. He can’t stop touching her.” Gray shakes his head.
It takes a moment for it to sink in that he’s talking to me.
I watch my cousin thread his fingers into the loose waves tumbling down my friend’s back. Curl his knuckles and tug her head back.
“Whoa, I didn’t think he’d have something like that in him.” Gray chuckles. “At least not in public anyway.”
“Can’t say that I’ve ever wanted that much information about my cousin.” I wrinkle my nose. “But you’re right, he’s usually way too stuck up and straightlaced.”
“Your friend must be at fault for his personality slip.” Gray starts to loosen up, relaxing into the worn leather of the booth. “How long do you think it will last?”
“Hmm. I don’t know. We’re here for three days.”
“Do you think he can keep it up for three days?” Gray’s demeanor changes as we make fun of our friends. His expression softens.
“Probably not. It would take one phone call from work to make him all serious and vexed.”
“True.” A server swings past, and he grabs her attention, ordering another round of drinks though three of us haven’t finished the ones we have.
“We’re going to dance,” Dove announces, climbing out of the booth with EJ on her heels. He stares at her like he can’t see anyone else as he follows her to the dance floor.
“I’ve definitely never seen that look on him,” I say.
Gray’s brow wrinkles. “Me either.”
We fall into an uncomfortable silence. I don’t love it. It’s loaded with all the things that I want to ask him and all the things I want to say. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you. After—”
“You don’t need to apologize,” he says. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“It just felt like In—”
“How about we don’t talk about her.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into the kind of friendly sideways hug he’s always reserved for me.
The kind of embrace that I avoided those last few months before I moved away, because inhaling the scent of your best friend’s fiancé’s skin and wishing those small ounces of affection meant far more than they ever could is a big no-no.
He’s not for me. Will never be for me, and that is something I have learned to accept. But sitting here with him… without Indy… knowing she’s happy and in love with someone else, I lean into the hug a fraction too long. I cradle his scent in my lungs like it could turn into the very oxygen I breathe.
I should get up and walk away.
“Tell me about school,” he says, pulling back. “Tell me about your life now. Let’s stick to the present. I want to know about you.”
“I’m not going to school,” I say.
He arches back, his brows lifted. “Why not?”
“It’s been hard to concentrate recently. I failed most of my classes. And the class that I was doing well in…” I start to fidget. “I made such a colossal mistake, Gray.”
“Surely, it’s not that bad.”
“Oh, it was pretty bad.” I drain my cocktail and then reach for Dove’s since she hasn’t touched it.
“So you’re not going to tell me about it?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone about it.” Anyone else, other than Dove. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell my parents that I’ve wasted the money they spent on tuition. And I’m working in a coffee shop. You know how my mom and dad will feel about that. They literally gave me every advantage. They encouraged and supported me every step of the way, and I’m throwing it back in their faces. Thanks for adopting me, guys. Here’s how much of a screw up I am.”
“You’ve been sitting on that for a little while then?” He raises one eyebrow.
“A few weeks.” I swallow another mouthful of Dove’s cocktail. There’s a nice buzz under my skin from the booze. It doesn’t soften how much I miss my family. I missed them before, but now I’m hiding things from them too and the distance has grown. “I still can’t find the words.”
“You could just tell them.” Gray says. “Your parents are understanding.”
“But what if they think I’ve wasted their time? And mine. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I don’t have a backup plan. Or any plan at all.” After almost losing Indy six months ago, what I’m going through… it all feels so insignificant.
My doctor suggested I might have a touch of depression. That’s another thing I keep to myself. My best friend didn’t die. My family, as far away as they are, love me. What have I got to be down about, really?
I stand up and exit the booth. “I think I’m going to go dance. Will you join me?”
“You want me to dance?” Gray looks surprised.
“Don’t tell me you don’t dance. I’ve seen you.” I waggle my fingers in his face. “EJ can’t be the only one of us cutting loose. That wouldn’t make sense.”
“You’re right.” He takes my hand and leads me onto the floor.
Sweaty bodies grind and press all around us, forcing us into each other’s personal space.
“So no school. You work at a coffee shop. Any boyfriend I should be worried might take our dancing together the wrong way?”
I’m jostled from behind and wrap my arms around Gray’s neck to steady myself. “No boys on this girls’ trip. No boyfriend at all.”
“You always preferred your independence,” he muses. He grips my hips before I can pull away.
I always preferred him.
I settle into this feeling of not having to avoid touching him. The drink in me says it’s okay. Right now it’s okay to be attracted to him and to pretend that he isn’t my friend and my best friend’s ex. At this moment being this close to him is acceptable.
“Dating didn’t work for me.” Because comparison is the thief of joy, and no one measured up to him. Friendly situationships and casual hookups are so much easier to end. “There was someone I was seeing.”
“Yeah?” he bows his head, bringing his cheek closer to mine so it’s easier to hear.
“He was older. Wiser. And it turns out… married.”
“Oh, America.” There’s disappointment in his voice. I’m disappointed in myself too. Why do I keep making such bad choices? Why can’t I move on to someone who could be good for me?
“I ended it as soon as I found out.” I missed this. Being able to talk to him about what was going on in my world. It’s comfortable, like putting on an old sweater. But it’s one I’ve borrowed from my girl, and it’s still covered in her perfume. “He didn’t like when I told him it was over.”
He grits his teeth. “You deserve better. The whole world. You know that, right? You’re a force, America. You always have been. You have so many options.”
“What about you?” I ask, and immediately regret it when a storm of emotion gathers in his eyes. There’s parfum de Indy again.
He cranes his neck and glances around instead of answering. “I can’t see EJ anywhere.”