Chapter Eleven
America
I’m exhausted and my feet ache. There were a couple of boys, late teens, on the train who kept leering at me and then joking to each other about all the dirty things they’d like to do to my body.
Now I’m grumpy too.
Not that it’s anything I haven’t heard before. For as long as I can remember I’ve put up with looks and snide comments about my appearance. In my teen years a lot of those comments became sexual in nature. I developed earlier than other girls, before boys my age learned any kind of tact.
I’m very fuckable. That’s one I overhear a lot.
Women like to sneer and suggest that I should put my boobs away. Like maybe if I just hide them I wouldn’t get so much male attention. But how much clothing must I wear to get the coverage they desire?
They don’t understand that I don’t want the catcalls. Or the ‘you look like Zendaya only not as hot’ comments that are often followed by… ‘If I squint just right while I fuck her, I could pretend it really was her, just with bigger tits.’
Perhaps that’s why my taste in men is so shitty. I just want someone who sees me for who I really am. Sees past my breasts, and my ass, and my passing resemblance to a gorgeous actress.
Gray was the first guy to do that who wasn’t a relative.
I hold my umbrella in one hand, my purse and the bags with the curry and gin in the other, as I hop puddles in my hurry to get home.
My phone rings as I pass the garden gate. It’s a tiny courtyard that we share with our neighbors. Mrs. Coleman grows tomatoes out here. And Mr. Banjo, the friendly tuxedo cat that lives three doors down can often be found sunning himself on the small workbench.
I manage to juggle my phone out of my pocket and cradle it between my shoulder and ear without dropping anything or skewing the umbrella. “Hey.”
“Oh my God, I caught you.” Indy’s excited voice pipes through the speaker. “It feels like we haven’t had a chance to speak in weeks.”
“Sorry.” Guilt washes over me.
We’ve both been busy these past couple months. Texting is easy, but calling is more difficult so we only manage it a few times a week. But I’ve been missing her calls more often. I don’t want to say on purpose, but definitely to avoid having a conversation.
She doesn’t know that I’m not going to school anymore. She doesn’t know that I’ve been fucking Gray behind her back.
“It’s fine. We’re both so busy these days. But I’m glad I caught you. I hate that you’re so far away. It’s not the same without you and…”
“Gray,” I say.
“Have you heard from him? EJ said he saw you in Positano. And I know he was there with Gray. But you never said anything about it.”
“I saw him.” Flirted with him. Fucked him. And again last night. And this morning. I regret it so goddamn much. So sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
I put the umbrella down to open the flat door. It’s warm inside, the lights on. Dove is singing in the bathroom.
“Is he doing okay?” she asks. “EJ won’t tell me anything, but I just need to know… I’m worried about him. Has he moved on? Or at least having fun? I just wish we could be friends again.”
What we’ve been doing can hardly be called fun. I close the umbrella and put it away. And them becoming friends… that seems as likely as him falling in love with me. “I saw him.”
“And?”
“He looked good, I guess. I think he was having fun.” I dump the bags on the kitchen counter and start unpacking them. She doesn’t need to know the details of that fun or how he told EJ that he’s still heartbroken over her. That will help no one.
“You guess?”
“Well, I was kind of busy.”
“Oh.” Her voice lights up. “You have a new guy, don’t you? Someone you met on your vacation? Is he local? Are you dating? Is that why you’ve been so quiet lately?”
“Hang on.” I take off my jacket and hang it up. I can tell her about Everett. Get her opinion. Maybe it’s time I tell her about school. We don’t need to talk about Gray.
I set the phone up against the portable speaker on the counter then put her on video call.
She’s put on healthy weight. Her hair is short and tipped with blue. She looks much better these days. Seeing her like this makes me so happy I can barely hold back tears. I’m so glad we didn’t lose her.
Her eyes widen and her lips curve. “Is that a hickey?”
“What? Where?” I peer at the small image of me in the corner of the screen. Oh my God, that was not there this morning. Gray gave me a hickey. It’s only a small bruise, but it’s dark. How did I not notice that earlier? The asshole bit me and I’ve been completely oblivious all day.
If I’d planned to see Everett tonight he would have noticed it straight away. The asshole marked me so that I wouldn’t want to see Everett… is that… is he fucking kidding?
And why does that make me all giddy? It’s not cute.
“Curry. Yum. That smells delicious.” Dove comes in, her platinum hair piled high in a bun on her head. The bruising around her eye is much less obvious with all the makeup hiding it. “I’m right starving.”
“Dove!” Indy calls my flatmate's name with delight. “Did you see this bitch has a hickey?”
Dove’s gaze shoots straight to my neck. “Is that—”
I shoot her a look to shut up before she asks me which dick it was. “ He must have done it last night. I can’t believe I didn’t notice.”
“Well, he is a sneaky bastard.” Dove disappears into the fridge and comes up with a bottle of tonic water. “You did get the gin?”
“Of course.” I slide the bottle toward her. It must be all the practice but her G and T’s always taste better than mine. And of course I haven’t told her about Gray showing up at the coffee shop this morning.
“Does this he have a name?” Indy asks. “And can I join in on this girl’s night? Theo just left for work.”
“It’s so new. I’m not ready to make it a thing,” I say.
“The more the merrier.” Dove splashes tonic on top of the gin. “But I have an Uber coming for me in about an hour.”
“Where are you off to?” I ask.
“The label found this place in the countryside. Nathan wants me to spend the weekend there getting track three right. No distractions.”
“Nathan’s a twat.” When Indy raises both eyebrows, I explain, “He’s the worst of the worst.”
“Don’t I know it?” Dove touches the corner of her eye and winces. “But I do what I do for love. And because I am this close to having this album finished.”
“She doesn’t love Nathan,” I clarify for Indy.
“I most definitely do not.” She sips her drink. “The man could step in front of a city bus. And I really mean should. I’m in it for the music. That’s what’s important.”
Which is why I don’t get why she puts up with him.
“So back to your he ,” Indy says while she raids a casserole dish of her mom’s macaroni—well, what’s left of it anyway—and Dove and I settle on the couch with our drinks and the fragrant tikka masala. “I’m going to need more details. Is he cute? Can he hold a conversation or is it all about the gymnastics? Have we got to the gymnastics? Have you met him, Dove?”
“Um. Okay.” I put my fork back in my bowl. “How am I supposed to eat with you prattling questions at me like this?”
“I have more,” Indy says while the microwave whirs behind her.
“He’s ridiculously peng,” Dove says.
Indy’s brow furrows. “I don’t know what that means.”
“He’s attractive, babes.” She laughs. “Ridiculously so.”
I glance at her, uncertain which he we’re talking about. She’s met both, though it’s been months since she saw Gray. Both men are attractive in their own way. Only one of them drives me batshit crazy.
“All blue eyes and snoggable mouth.” She waggles her eyebrows at me. Definitely talking about Gray, not Everett.
“Tell me more,” Indy says.
“I don’t know what to say.” I can’t talk to Indy about Gray. I just can’t. Even if she knows him best. Might even understand what the hell is going on with him and have advice about what I should do. It’s wrong and it’s weird. “I think we’re just fucking around.”
“So there’s definite gymnastics then.” Indy grins and settles on her sectional with her cowgirl boots still on. “Not just hickeys.”
“I don’t think he’s right for me. I think I’m going to end it.” I dig my fork through the chicken, no longer hungry or finding the smell appealing.
“How come?” Indy asks.
Because he’s your ex and every interaction we have is painful because of you. No, that’s not all it is. It’s unfair to blame her when I’m the one that was in love with her fiancé, and he’s the one that keeps telling me what we can’t be and then misleading me with his actions. “He’s hot and cold. It’s confusing. You know me. I always want things to be light and fun. But that’s not what this is.”
“Maybe because it’s real,” Indy says.
“If it was real he wouldn’t tell me we can’t be together and then fuck me up against the wall outside work while telling me I can’t date another man.” I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but it’s clear that I have when both of my friends gape at me. “Forget I said that.”
“I don’t think so,” Indy says.
Dove covers her mouth and then drops her hand to her lap. “Bollocks.”
“He sounds into you. Possessive might even be the word I would use to describe that,” Indy says. “Maybe he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. Could that be his problem?”
Oh, he knows. He was in one for eight years.
“Or maybe he’s confused. Or scared,” she continues.
“We do not need to diagnose his problem.” I clamber off the couch. She’s oblivious and trying to help and I feel like the worst kind of friend.
“I just know that Theo was doing everything he could to avoid emotional attachment when we met,” Indy says. “It crept up on him, just like it crept up on me. But once we were in the thick of it—”
“It’s not the same,” I say, taking my bowl to the kitchen. I can’t have this conversation. I need a minute.
Dove jumps in my spot, hovering closer to the screen as EJ’s voice comes through the speaker. “Hey, sis. Any more of Mom’s mac left?”
He must have popped over to check on Indy while on his lunch break.
“Yeah. I think if you scrape the sides of the dish there’s probably enough for your lunch,” Indy’s voice is full of affection.
“Who are you talking to?” he asks, and it’s followed with a rather loud thump from my living room.
Dove is on the floor behind the coffee table when I come back. Hiding?
“America. We’re having girls’ night. Her friend Dove is hanging out with us too,” Indy says, completely oblivious about everything that happened in Positano.
He grumbles something indecipherable. “Say hi to America for me.”
“You heard him?” she asks.
“Hey EJ,” I say back, but he’s disappeared from frame.
“I need to get my bags,” Dove climbs to her feet and sprints across the living room. “Uber should be here in a few minutes.”
“It was great chatting with you,” Indy tells her. “Catch up soon?”
“Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure.” Dove vanishes into her bedroom. When she comes out, she has her little suitcase and coat. “Debrief when I get back, yeah?”
“Yes.” She and EJ couldn’t get enough of each other. Now they’re… whatever the hell that was. What the hell happened when we left Positano? I want to know.
“This guy…” Indy says as Dove leaves.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Tell me about that tattoo on your wrist. That’s new, isn’t it?”
“This one?” She lifts her arm to show me the circle. “It’s an ouroboros. Snake eating its tail. Circle of life. It felt more fitting than an eternity symbol. But I might get one of those too.”
“I like it. Did Theo ink it?”
“Yes.” She smiles, lighting up from the inside out.
She’s still sad about Gray, but she loves Theo. He’s her whole world. I love that for her. She did the right thing for her even when it hurt like hell.
I want to be that brave. I want to feel that happy. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.
“You look sad,” Indy says. “I worry about you. Is school going okay? Is there anything I can do? Maybe I should come visit.”
“No. You’re still in the honeymoon phase with Theo and you’re barely recovered. Can you even drive yet?”
“I don’t need to drive to come see you,” she argues.
“I’m okay.” I cross my heart. “Just tired. I worked an all day shift at Beans. I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise. Plus, I have so much schoolwork to do. If you came out here, you’d be stuck hanging out on your own while I study.”
I can’t seem to bring myself to admit that I failed. One day soon I will have to quit school and tell my parents—and Indy—but not today.
“At least… let's make girls' night a more regular occurrence. So I can feel like I’m in your life. I’d like to get to know Dove better. I want to hear more about this mysterious he next time though.”
“I’ll tell you all about how I kicked him to the curb.” I laugh.
“I bet you don’t,” she says. “I have a feeling about this one.”
I have a feeling spending any more time with Gray is a bad idea.