Chapter Fifteen
America
“I hope you don’t mind me being here.” Everett pushes his hands into his pocket. “I know I said that you should take all the time you need. But then you didn’t call, and I couldn’t stay away.”
“It’s barely been two days.” I place the book on the counter. There are two coffee mugs next to the machine. There’s sugar all over the hallway floor in front of the bathroom. My sheets smell like Gray and sex. A lot can happen in such a short amount of time. I’m more confused than I’ve ever been.
“America, I like you so much. Too much, maybe…”
“Everett, I like you too.” He’s not the typical douche I tend to date. I finally broke my cycle. I really thought there might be something more here than sex. Maybe even love, eventually.
And then this thing with Gray started.
Obviously I was fooling myself. I’m clearly still as hopelessly in love with Gray as I have ever been.
Why couldn’t he have noticed me instead of Indy all those years ago? It’s a question I’ve asked myself a million times, but it hit me differently when he wished for it earlier. Like we’re both aware that we could have had something real if she hadn’t gotten between us. And now he’s not with Indy.
I feel guilty thinking of her as the barrier between us. She is my home and my heart. She is this piece of me that I never want to be without. Almost losing her really brought that into focus.
There can never be anything real between me and Gray because it would hurt her too much. But it doesn’t make me want him any less. Telling myself all the reasons why he can never be mine has never stopped me loving him.
A new text from Indy chirps on my phone, heightening my guilt. I ignore it, because I can’t stomach looking at it. She has such perfect timing.
“Then be my girlfriend.” Everett grabs my waist and pulls me into his arms. “Let me introduce you to my teammates, their wives and girlfriends. I want to see you at my games. I want to take you out. Let the public see us together.”
“Everett.” I press at his chest, needing to extricate myself from his grip. I need to end things with him. I can’t lead him on when there is nothing here for him. “I like you, but—”
The Beatles start playing “Hey Jude” from the depths of his pocket. The pressure in my chest eases up as he digs it out.
“Hold that thought.” He walks into my living room to answer the call. “Hey, Mum.”
I pick up my phone and read the message Indy left for me.
Indy: Is this HE?
Above it is a picture of me and Everett outside the restaurant the other night. He’s holding my hand and I look like I wanted to avoid the cameras, when really, I wanted to avoid Gray and the mess I was running headlong into.
Maybe Everett could be my he if Gray wasn’t in the picture.
America: Not HE.
Indy: Damnit. I was so certain. Theo thought I might be onto something too. Tell me you’re dating him as well. I’ve been reading a lot of Why Choose romances lately.
America: What romances?
Indy: Polyamorous. Like maybe the guys have a relationship as well. Or like she has three boyfriends or more.
America: Do you wish you had that? In real life? Do you wish you still had Gray?
Indy: …
Indy: …
“That was my mum.” Everett stumbles back into the kitchen before Indy finishes typing. He’s pale under his tan. He rubs his forehead. “My pops fell off the roof.”
“Oh my God! Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure. He’s in the hospital. I’m sorry, I have to go.”
“Of course.” I grab my purse, shove my phone into it. Whatever Gray and I need to talk about can wait. Everett needs someone at his side while he waits to find out if his pops will be okay. Like I’d had Dove to help me through the shock when Indy finally told me about her brain tumor. “I’ll go with you.”
Everett slips his fingers between mine as we hurry through the hospital. I curl mine around them to offer him support. Everyone needs that in these situations. Right now he needs that from me.
“Thank you for coming with me,” he says as we make it to the room where his grandfather is laid up.
His mom sits beside a version of Everett that was born in the fifties. The two men share some spectacularly strong genetics.
His pops’s face is deeply lined and rugged, but they have the same strong jaw, Roman nose, and brown eyes. When he turns them on his grandson, they brighten. “Took your time, boy.”
“So he’s all right then?” Everett asks his mom, letting go of my hand.
“He’s all right, love.” She smiles softly, her gaze landing on me with curiosity but then focusing back on her dad. “You gave us quite a scare though, you old codger.”
“What were you doing on the roof?” Everett picks up a chair from the other side of the room and puts it down opposite his mom’s. He takes his hat off and sits, twisting it between his hands.
Gray says he’s a player and that I should be careful around him, but seeing him with his family… he’s so sweet. It can’t be true.
“Someone has to clean the gutters,” his pops mutters.
“I paid someone to do that.” Everett frowns.
“He sent them away,” his mom says as I lean against the wall just inside the door. “You know how he gets.”
“Those lazy lay-abouts didn’t do the job right.” His pops’s busy brows draw tightly together, and his mouth takes on a sullen set.
“So you thought you’d climb up and do it yourself.” Everett shakes his head. “You’re so stubborn. You could have broken a hip or something.”
His pops scoffs. “I didn’t even get a scratch.”
“Sure. That’s why you’re in the hospital.”
Now that he knows his grandfather is okay, I feel out of place in this room. Especially since he hasn’t introduced me. Not that I want him to introduce me in any capacity while I’m in knots over Gray.
His mom keeps sending glances my way that make me uncomfortable, and I don’t know if it’s the color of my skin or that she can see my bra through the holes in my sweater—I really should have changed before I left the flat—or that it’s that unusual for her to see Everett with a woman.
Or something else entirely.
My phone rings and I straighten away from the wall. “I’m going to go take this, go for a walk.”
“You’re not dating her, are you?” Everett’s mom asks as I leave.
Yeah, I love the way that feels. I wish I could just disappear as I put my phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hi. This is Ruby. I’m the admissions counselor at the University of Cambridge. Can I talk to you about your course load?”
“I’m sorry. This isn’t a good time.” Oh no, I really can’t deal with this on top of everything else right now. I cross my arm against my waist and rhythmically pinch my elbow to create a pain point that will keep the anxiety in check.
“You haven’t attended classes for quite a while. But you haven’t submitted the paperwork to drop out either. Is there something I can do to help you? Some way that I can support you?”
Quitting was not the plan, but I can’t go back. I don’t know how I’ll explain it to my parents or to Indy. After everything she’s been through, not being able to stick to the plan feels like I’m failing her too. I don’t have a clue what I’ll do long-term without my doctorate. But the idea of walking those university halls, seeing him, I can’t do it. “I need to withdraw.”
“Can you drop by my office next week?” she asks. “We can go through what you’ll need to do. Discuss your options moving forward.”
“Okay.” I bite my thumb nail. Perhaps I can get Gray to come with me so I don’t have to do it alone. I won’t have to worry about running into him if Gray is with me.
“I’ll see you then.” Ruby hangs up.
I have a bunch of notifications and time to kill so I go back to my conversation with Indy. Her first message makes me snort.
Indy: God no. I meant for you. I only need Theo. His hands are huge and his penis is pierced. You know what I’m talking about. ;p
I don’t believe for one second that my bestie didn’t write some huge essay on her feelings for Gray. And for Theo. Before settling on being flippant. Not because she wants Gray back. But because of how they ended.
And while I have come across a pierced peen or two in my time, I’m not sure they measure up in any way to Gray and his mouth. But that’s my opinion. One I will take to the grave.
Another message comes through.
Indy: I love Theo so much. In case that wasn’t clear.
America: We all love him. We’re so glad you found each other.
Indy: I hope one day you’ll know what it’s like. To look at your man and just want to explode with love. But you better introduce me first. I need to vet him, and make sure he’s right for my bestie.
How could that possibly work? If I showed up to Christmas dinner with Gray holding my hand. Hey babe, this is my boyfriend. You know him… on a biblical level .
Not the perverted level I’m getting to know him on though. She always said he was sweet and considerate. I took that as code for boring. Or at least that’s what I told myself in an attempt to quiet my attraction to him.
She never told me I’d want to tongue-in-cheek call him sir while falling to my knees before him. She never admitted he had such a dirty, perverted mouth.
This slutty, panty-ripping level I’m getting to experience makes my knees weak, and a dribble run down my thigh. Both because thinking about a replay of this afternoon gives me tingles, and because my panties are still moist and messy from the afterglow.
I drop into the closest chair as I type out a response. I’m getting ahead of myself, imagining any kind of future where the three of us are in the same place at the same time. Just because he said we have things to talk about doesn’t mean that he wants more than what we’re currently doing. On our best days we’re friends, and the sex… it’s fantastic, but it’s just sex.
He loved her so much. He still loves her. Even if he’s convinced himself it’s hate. And Indy loves him too, though it’s different for her because she loves Theo as well.
You don’t spend your entire life with someone, and not need time to grieve when they’re no longer a part of you. They say it can take half as long as you loved someone to come to peace with losing them.
I don’t know what that means for Gray and me. I’m a distraction. I know that. But after today, it feels like we could be more. Except…
America: I’m not telling you who HE is.
Indy: Oh come on. I’m dying over here. We don’t keep secrets from each other.
America: You’re not dying anymore, you can’t use that excuse.
Indy: Too soon? That wasn’t what I meant. I’m just excited to meet your hot British boytoy.
America: I promise if anyone meets him, you’ll be the first.
She has no inkling that I’ve been in love with Gray forever and that as much as I moved here for the university it was also to put some distance between us when she was supposed to be marrying him.
I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. Gray wants to talk. Maybe when we’re done talking, I’ll have more idea of what, if anything, I should tell my best friend.