Chapter Twenty-One
America
The windshield wipers thunder across the glass as Dove crawls into the backseat of Everett’s car and crumples. She never made it to the town Everett mentioned. Probably because he overestimated her walking speed and the fact that she wasn’t wearing shoes.
Rain drips from her nose and the tips of her silver hair. Mascara runs down her face. A shoulder strap on her dress has been torn through and the material is sodden. She’s holding her broken heels in one hand.
The agitation and worry that had me squirming in my seat for the entire trip eases now that we’ve found her. It’s replaced with loathing for Nathan and concern about her state.
She shivers violently. The mud-caked heels are tossed on the floor. “You guys are the best for coming to get me.”
Everett drags his jacket off. It’s thick and lined with fleece. He passes it back to her while making gentle eye contact with her. “Put this on.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes well as she pulls it around her shoulders and slides her arms into the sleeves. Drawing it tight around her, she sniffles. Exhaustion is etched on her face. She looks tiny hunched in his big jacket.
“No problem.” He adjusts the thermostat and blasts hot air into the cabin while I get out and climb into the back with her.
I cradle her in my arms as we get back on the road.
Her feet are covered in mud and bits of debris. I hate that she’s been out here all night, alone. “You all right? He didn’t… hurt you?”
“I’m so tired, babes.” She yawns and covers her mouth, but I catch the shadows in her eyes before she rests her head on my shoulder. “Can we do this later?”
“Let her sleep.” Everett reaches back between the seats to squeeze my knee before returning his hand to the steering wheel. “She’s exhausted, and he’ll still be an asshole when we get her home.”
She’s out in less than ten minutes.
A message comes through from Gray, and I ignore it like the others he’s sent this morning. I shut the device down now that I don’t need it to find Dove.
I’m an awful person for the way I’m treating Everett. Gray might have asked me to lie to him, but I agreed to it. I could have said no. I should have said no. But I didn’t. And now I don’t know what to do or say to fix this. Or anything in my life, really.
“Hey. Hey.” Everett catches my attention in the rearview mirror. “Don’t cry. We’ve got her. It’ll be okay.”
I didn’t even realize I was crying, but sure enough tears are dripping from my chin onto my sweater. I wipe them away with the back of my hand. “I am so sorry, Everett.”
He looks at me with confusion. “You don’t need to apologize for crying.”
“No. I do.” I need to bite the bullet and tell him how I feel.
“I don’t understand.”
“I really like you. I wish I could be your girlfriend, but I can’t.” I really do mean it. He’s a good man with a solid heart. I can see a version of my future that could have been with him. A version where I said yes to labelling us, and I didn’t fuck Gray in that bathroom that night.
One where my heart could have held two men, and maybe in time my feelings for Gray would have faded. I have made nothing but bad choices since he showed up. This thing with him… even though it’s over… I can’t let go of these feelings.
Which is why I hate that doing the right thing means jeopardizing his career. But I cannot be this duplicitous. I can’t.
“Sure you can. I know you’re wary but—”
“I have feelings for someone else,” I say quietly but forcefully.
“What are you saying?” I can see his frown in the rearview mirror. The car glides over the center line before he corrects it. “You’re dating someone else?”
“No.” Not exactly. Gray and I… it’s not going anywhere. It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t throw me under the bus for his career. Indy is my best friend. My family. I can’t imagine bringing Gray to the Dells for her remission anniversary and asking her to be okay with me dating him. I can’t imagine him not punching Theo in the face and being bitter to her for all the bad blood between them. “I’m not.”
“You took a long time to think about that.” He exhales heavily, his knuckles white around the steering wheel. “Do you want to date this other person?”
“No. I…It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it’s like,” he says. “You have feelings… but you don’t want to be with this guy?”
“I can’t be with him.” I slap my hand to my mouth, but it’s out there now.
“But you’d rather be with him than me.” He jerks his chin and swallows harshly.
“Does it matter? I can’t be with him. And I can’t keep seeing you. That isn’t fair to you when I’m so confused. When I can’t promise you what you want.”
Glaring out the window, he falls silent.
I stare out at the passing farmland for what feels like an eternity. The tears on my cheeks dry, but the ache in my chest doesn’t quit. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve the pain that I’ve inflicted.
“This guy you’re in love with...” he says eventually. “Does he know how you feel about him?”
“No.” Not entirely. Everett doesn’t need to know that Gray thinks it’s about sex. He has no clue that I’ve been in love with him forever.
“Has anything happened between the two of you since you’ve been seeing me?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Don’t tell me,” he says. “I don’t want the details.”
“I’m sorry.”
Again silence overcomes us. It’s only broken up by the radio and Dove snoring lightly for the rest of the trip.
The rain seems to have followed us home. It’s still coming down when Everett escorts us to our door. We’re all a little wet by the time we make it to the shelter of the portico.
He’s quiet and thoughtful, no doubt still chewing over everything we discussed. But I honestly expected him to drive away the minute we crawled out of the warm car, so there must still be more he wants to say.
“Thank you.” Dove takes off his jacket and hands it back. “I really appreciate everything, Everett.”
“Look after yourself,” he says when she kisses his cheek.
Giving me a look that indicates she may not have been asleep the entire time, she squeezes my shoulder before she disappears inside.
“Everett.” I hug my arms around my waist. I don’t know what to say to him. This is goodbye, but now that we’re here, I’m not ready for it to end. I don’t want this to be the last time I see him. “I really am sorry. You are such a great guy. I wish we could be friends.”
“You mean that?” His voice has a burr in it.
“Of course.” My eyes start to well again. If there was anyone who could help me forget Gray, it would be him.
He uses his thumb to wipe the underside of my eye. “It’s not enough. I want more of you.”
“I don’t know that I have it to give. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.” It was never my intention.
He leans his forehead against mine. His hand curves around the side of my neck. “Whatever happened, is it done? Or do you need to see where it goes?”
“It’s done. It’s so done.” It was over before it began. Gray was never mine. He’s not supposed to be mine. He will always be Indy’s. Indy’s boyfriend. Indy’s fiancé. Indy’s ex. Indy’s heartbreak. My mistake was in letting myself have hope. But last night he made it clear he was just one more in a long string of stupid moves I’ve made.
“I pushed you too hard, too fast,” he says.
“That’s not true.” My heart aches.
“Perhaps. But I should have listened to what you were saying. You told me the other night you weren’t ready.” He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my knuckles. “So I’m listening now. I don’t need the details. I just need you to give me a chance to help you forget him.”
“I…” I shake my head. If only it could be that simple. “What if I can’t?”
“I’m not afraid of the competition, Lucky Charm,” he consoles me. “I’m not scared to fight for what I want. I’m here. He isn’t. And from what you’ve said he’s not going to be. And even if he shows up, I don’t believe he’s the right man for you. Let me prove that to you.”
I want to put Gray behind me so badly. I want Everett to be right when he says he can help me forget. I’m so sick of loving someone who won’t and can’t love me back. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He smiles softly, his eyes softening for the first time since the car ride.
“Yes.”
He tips his head and brushes his lips over mine. I lean into him, opening to him when his tongue touches my lips. Letting my eyes flutter closed while he explores the soft crevices of my mouth. Tasting the salt of the tears I’ve cried.
I kiss him back while I let Gray go. Maybe it’ll take time to forget about him. Perhaps it will always hurt when I think about him. But I will no longer give in to this miserable hope I’ve had since he showed up here. Everett deserves everything, so that’s what he’ll get from me.
He breaks the kiss. His gaze drinks me in as he rubs his thumb across my lips. I smile for him though I think it’ll be a while before I can smile again without any sadness.
“I’m going to go,” he says. “As much as I’d rather stay, I think Dove might need you. But I’ll call you later, okay?”
I nod.
He starts for the steps without letting go of my hand. The move turns my whole body, and there on the garden path stands Gray.
The rain cascades down around him, but he doesn’t seem to notice that he’s soaked to the bone. Or that it drips from his hair into his eyes.
Which are plastered to me.