Chapter 8
eight
JOHANNA
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
I knew he didn’t want me here. The truth and finality in his words hit their mark, slicing me right down the middle. I ran out of there before he could see me fall to pieces. So much of what he said wasn’t true, but I understand how my leaving would look that way.
This town wasn’t enough for her anymore.
How wrong he is. This town was more than enough for me. It was also too much for me at the same time. If the telling sign of my anxiety didn’t warn me that I needed to get out of there, I would have stayed and corrected him. Told him he was why it was so hard for me to walk away in the first place. But I’m not brave enough for that conversation, and I don’t know if I ever will be.
Tears cloud my vision as I sit defeated on the dusty stockroom floor. My head falls against the wooden shelves behind me—rows and rows of liquor, wine, beer, and sodas line them.
The callousness and indifference is so unlike him, and I know this is as hard and confusing for him as it is for me. He’s nothing like the man I remember, but perhaps what he said is true.
People change.
I’m wiping away my tears with the sleeves of my sweater when the door cracks open, allowing a sliver of light to illuminate the space. The specks of dust I’ve disturbed dance around in the air like floating glitter, but what catches my eye is the row of initials and dates etched into the frame of the door. PS . JT . GS . BS . HT . FS . Each set of initials working its way up the wood as the years go on. Booth drops to the floor next to me, while I keep my eyes trained on the letters.
I’m not disappointed that he’s the one to come find me, but a small part of me hoped a different Sadler brother would be the one to do it.
He leans in until we’re shoulder to shoulder. “ Hey , you.”
“ Hey .” My voice cracks from either crying or inhaling dust mites.
It’s pretty dark in here, and when I finally turn my attention to Booth , I see the sympathy in his eyes. I haven’t spoken to him much since I arrived back in town, and I know he speaks to Harriet regularly. Growing up, Booth was always an energetic kid who expressed his feelings freely. As he got older, it was clear he wore his heart on his sleeve and was loyal to the core, and the fact he’s sitting on this dirty floor with me now shows that hasn’t changed at all.
He tilts his head slightly and reveals one of those dimples I loved to poke when he was younger. “ He didn’t mean it, you know.” I do a bad job at hiding my sadness, because he bumps his shoulder with mine when my face falls. “ I’m not going to apologize on his behalf, he’s a big boy; he’s trying to come to terms with this all. He’s changed a lot since you left and I’m not saying it’s your fault, he’s just different. A little quieter; a lot more serious. His heart and brain are competing over what they think is best. ”
“ I suppose becoming a parent will do that to you.” There’s no bitterness in my tone, and I allow my mind to drift back to the day I found out he was going to be a dad. It gutted me for so many reasons, and though we never really got to see where our relationship could have taken us, I pictured parenthood going a lot differently for us both.
“ Weirdly , Lottie is the only one who seems to bring out the old Pat and she didn’t even know that version of him. Probably because she is in no way quiet or serious. You’ll love her.”
The name of Patrick’s daughter stings less than it did when I first heard it, and I bob my head in agreement, because I’m happy for him, but seeing him play house with another woman is too much for my tattered heart to take. One brutal truth at a time, please.
“ He just needs time to adjust to things,” Booth continues.
“ You mean to me being here?”
“ Yes …but he knows it’s a good thing.”
“ Does he?” I scoff.
“ He will,” he corrects. “ We’ve all missed you, and I’m not going to ask what happened. God knows I’ve asked my dumbass brother enough over the years, but he’s tight-lipped about whatever went on between you two.” He gives me a side glance, almost like he’s waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I quirk my brow at him, and his shoulders shake with laughter. “ Just like my big bro. I’m glad you’re back.” He slings his arm over my shoulder and tucks me in close to him. “ How have you been?”
“ I’m …” I stop myself from defaulting to old ways.
I never knew how to truthfully answer that question, and my auto-response was always “ I’m okay.” What does it even mean?
Compared to a few years ago, I’m more than okay. It wasn’t an upward battle, and the one thing I’ve learned is that you might take a few stumbles back to move forward again. Being honest with myself was the biggest step. Knowing how to be kind to my mind, my body, and not bottling it all up inside was both difficult and necessary in being okay.
“ I think I’m a little different too.” It’s a genuine response, but I poke him in the ribs to shift the attention from myself. “ What about you? Harriet says you’re quite the ladies’ man now.”
His chest puffs and shoulders pop back like some alpha male. “ Pssht , YoYo ,” he teases. “ You have so much to catch up on. I’m the town’s hottest bachelor, I’ll have you know. Tourists ’ panties are dropping?—”
“ Ugh , gross. You’re like my little brother; please keep a lid on those sordid details. I’m sure you were a virgin when I left.”
Chuckling , he stands and offers me his hand, hauling me to my feet. He grabs me by the shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes.
“ I want you to know that I saw you during one of the most difficult times in your life. Seeing how you handled the loss of your mom with such grace—” His voice breaks a little and I appreciate that he doesn’t try to hide his vulnerability. “ It helped me a lot when we lost Dad . I’ll always be grateful for that.”
He places a kiss on the crown of my head, squeezes my shoulders, and walks out the door. Fresh tears spring to my eyes for a different reason now. On the outside it might have appeared I handled the passing of my mom well, but behind that fa?ade I was drowning, with no idea how to come up for air.
What no one knows, is that it took over a decade for me to break through the surface.
After Booth left me in the stockroom, I took a few more minutes to collect myself, plastered on a smile, and headed to the front of the restaurant to meet Jules , the assistant manager.
We’ve spent the last couple of hours together, going over what you would for a typical new employee, though there wasn’t much to teach me I didn’t already know. Bless her heart, she even tried to explain that FOH stood for Front of House , until she remembered I was practically raised in this building. What I have learned is the menu is still the same as it was over twenty years ago. Even the customers are the same, just aged with time. We still don’t have a point of sale system, taking customers’ orders the old-school way, which I’m hoping is something I can help with.
She didn’t see it taking long for me to pick things back up, and I couldn’t disagree with her. I know this place inside and out, and it helps that nothing has changed, though, maybe one of the reasons it’s in its current state.
Now , I’m sitting at one of the tables in the restaurant and observing the team at work during the lunch rush. Only it isn’t much of a rush at all. Sure , Mondays are slow, but we’ve only had three tables in since noon. I watch the team stand around, trying to stay busy with odd jobs, and I’m sure one of them has wiped the same table five times.
It’s painful, and I now know exactly what my dad meant when he said they’re struggling.
Movement on my left catches my eye, and I watch Patrick as he carries in a crate of beer from the stockroom. There is one change around here, and I am in full favor of it; it’s the muscles Patrick is now packing. His biceps flex and ripple against his long sleeve shirt, and I am not ashamed of my unabashed perusal. He was always lean, but he’s now filled out in all the right places. His expression is also different. Unless he’s speaking to a customer or a member of the team, it’s solemn. The skin between his brows is permanently creased, and years ago, I would have rubbed that spot away with my thumb.
My ogling is interrupted when a woman and a young girl walk in. I think nothing of it at first. Watching them chat back and forth is quite sweet, reminding me of days out with my own mom. When the little girl makes a beeline for Patrick , my heart sinks.
The slapping of her feet across the floor catches his attention, and the moment he spots her, he crouches down and spreads his arms wide just in time to catch her. His expression lights up when she wraps her little arms around his neck, and they hug each other tightly. She might not have the same hair color as Patrick or the woman standing and laughing next to them, but there’s no doubt in my mind who they are.
I’m so absorbed in watching them I almost don’t notice when Patrick’s gaze flicks to mine as he talks to the woman. Girlfriend ? Partner ? Wife ? No . I would know if he was married. Wouldn’t I ?
I avert my eyes, needing to look anywhere else but at the happy little family on the other side of the room. I keep myself distracted and check the delivery updates for my new throw cushions when a small hand creeps into my peripheral and taps me on the arm. When I look up, the shade of green in the little girl’s eyes would be a dead giveaway as to who she is, if I didn’t know already.
“ I’m Lottie ! How is your food today?”
At first, I’m startled by her question, but I have to suppress the laughter bubbling in my throat when she stares at me with such seriousness. Her lines are clearly rehearsed, because I don’t even have any food in front of me. My heart might be aching in the knowledge of who she is, but when she flashes me a toothy grin, I can’t help but be charmed by her.
“ Do you know what?” I reply with my own grin to match hers, because how could I not? “ This is the best iced coffee I’ve had in a long time.”
“ Iced ? It’s so brrrrrr outside,” she says, shaking her arms and looking outside. “ Don’t you want some hot cocoa?”
“ Your daddy would say the exact same thing.”
Her eyes go comically wide, and I regret my response immediately.
“ You know my daddy?!” she asks excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “ He works here with my uncle Boo . Do you know him too? Sometimes I play waitress and I check on the customers. Did you know the customer is always right?”
I have no idea how to reply to her rambling of words, but god, if she isn’t the cutest. I’m so distracted by her chatter I don’t see Patrick approach us until he’s standing directly behind her.
“ Spud , don’t forget, only a quick question and we move along. Don’t bother people too much,” he says, resting a hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him with a cheeky smile, and I wish seeing the affection warm his eyes didn’t make him even more handsome.
“ She’s really not bothering me at all,” I supply.
“ And she knows you, Daddy . Is she your friend?” Lottie asks eagerly.
“ No , umm, she’s a…”
It’s a slap in the face that he can’t even put a label on us, but I’ve always told myself to be better, not bitter.
“ A coworker ,” I finish for him, echoing his earlier words. “ I’m the new restaurant manager.” Patrick’s shoulders drop. In relief or regret, I’m not sure.
“ Ooooooooh ,” Lottie replies with a lot more enthusiasm than my job title deserves, before a look of confusion washes across her face. “ What’s a cow-worker? Do you work with cows?”
We both laugh at that, but when our gazes meet, the smiles slip from our faces. The laughter falling to flat silence. Jesus , this day needs to be over if we can’t even laugh in front of each other without it being awkward.
“ Okay , spud, that’s enough for today. I’m going to meet you and your mom soon for dinner, say goodbye.”
Her shoulders drop and she curls her bottom lip but does as she’s told and gives me a little wave as she returns to her mom.
Before Patrick can join them, I call out, “ Pat , umm, sorry, Patrick . I don’t want to overstep, but I have a few contacts with a till company that works in the Northeast . Have you ever looked into upgrading?”
He raises an eyebrow, prompting me to continue. “ It should help the staff work more effectively, and I think I can get us a good deal.”
“ I don’t really have time to install and train the staff on something new right now.”
“ That’s why I’m here,” I quickly say, plastering on a smile. “ I can handle it all, I’d just like you onboard before I go inquiring.”
I half expect him to shoot me down, and I know it would be out of pure stubbornness. And if there’s one thing I still know about him, it’s that he’s not a guy to act out of spite, no matter what he thinks of me.
“ Okay , get some quotes over to Gray and me, and we’ll think about it. There’s a pot of money aside for things like this.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he’s turning and walking away.
It’s something, but overall, this day is a big bag of dicks.
I don’t let myself watch Patrick and his family for much longer. And I certainly don’t cry myself to sleep that night thinking about what could have been.