Chapter 11
eleven
PATRICK
She shouldn’t look so cute marching out of here in a huff, and I spend too long watching the sway of her hips as she does it. Once the door slams shut behind Jo , I whirl on my best friend.
“ What the fuck was that?” I demand.
“ What was what ?”
I know he’s playing dumb right now. And from the smug look on his face as he closes the latch on his toolbox, he knows he’s got me all riled up.
“ You know what. You were all over her. And a date ? She’s like your sister; you practically grew up with her.”
“ Oh , I’m sorry. Is there a rule that we don’t sleep with women who are like sisters to us now?” he asks with a shrug of his shoulder. “ She looks good, too, don’t you think?”
Dex has been conspiring with my younger brother, I’m positive. I inwardly cringe at my behavior minutes ago. I might as well have beat on my chest and claimed her as mine.
“ What are you getting at, Dex ?” I ask.
“ Nothing , nothing at all. Just catching up with an old friend. I’ve missed her. Haven’t you?”
“ That’s irrelevant, because she clearly didn’t miss us.” I try and fail to hide the pain lacing my accusatory tone.
Dex’s face morphs into that of sympathy and he places his hand on my shoulder. “ I think if you gave her the time of day, you’d be surprised to find out that’s not the case. I worked that out after spending one hour with her.” With his other hand, he runs it over his buzz cut. “ I know a lot went down between you two. It was messy, but it’s also been left unresolved. Don’t you think now is the perfect opportunity to speak to her and find out what happened? A lifetime of friendship swept away over what you think you saw?”
“ I know what I saw,” I grit out, pulling my beanie off in frustration.
“ Okay , okay. You saw what you saw. Maybe now is the ideal time to ask her what it meant though. Shit , only your mom and me know that you flew?—”
A gasp behind us has him pausing, and we turn to find one of the servers standing in the doorway, no doubt shocked to find two grown men in the ladies’ restroom. We apologize and relocate to the office.
Throwing myself into the chair behind the desk, I crack my neck and wait for Dex to continue his friendly lecture.
“ Can you honestly sit there and tell me you’re not curious? Or don’t want to see if you can get a modicum back of what you once had?”
Like my next breath. It’s been brutal silently missing Jo all these years, almost as difficult as secretly pining after her. To have her in my life again and all these memories resurfacing, that’s even tougher.
“ I want to do my job and not let this place be ripped away from us all.”
“ Spend a little bit of time with her. She’s … I don’t know. Something felt off, like she was…”
“ Lost ,” I finish for him.
“ Exactly .” He dips his head to the side and observes me from where he’s sitting on the leather sofa in the corner. “ So you have been paying attention to her?”
Of course I have, I want to shout. I notice everything about her. Always have and always will. But Dex is right. Things have changed since she left; I’m a father, for one. I can’t continue blackballing her. The way she laughs and smiles seems muted, like something in her has been snuffed out and it’s been eating me up inside to find out why since she stepped back into my life.
“ I work with her, so it’s hard not to notice her.”
“ Go easy with her, man. We were all shocked about her moving away. What good is it going to do keeping her at arm’s length? You’ve not dated or shown an interest in any woman since she left. You’re really over her?”
“ God , of course I’m not!” Dex doesn’t flinch at my outburst. “ I haven’t stopped thinking about her. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t wondered what she’s doing, how she is, or if she still thinks about me. I’ve typed out hundreds of texts over the years and then talked myself out of sending them. I let six years pass. I think it’s too late for anything, even a friendship.”
“ If you aren’t going to ask her those burning questions, then you need to move past all this man. It’s not fair on either of you. Sure , you might not get back what you lost, but isn’t it better than walking on eggshells around each other? Try to see past everything that went down, and maybe you can be friends again.”
I shut my eyes and slump down into the chair. My head feels like it’s trapped in a vortex as I try to sort through my thoughts. My wallet digs into me, and I pull it out of my pocket, flinging it on the desk. I hate that he’s so right. But I also don’t, because Jo and I can’t carry on like this.
She has never been just a friend . Hell , we were more than that before she left. We can’t go on pretending there isn’t an ocean of unspoken words between us now that distance is no longer an excuse.
My worn leather wallet screams at me, but I don’t dare open it up in front of Dex . Because that’s a little piece of Johanna that I want to keep for myself.
I’m an idiot. A fucking idiot.
As I sit in a dark corner of Shirley’s , I repeat those words in my head. I have no idea what I’m doing here, but after Dex let it slip where Jo was headed tonight, I decided now would be a good opportunity to speak to her. He tried to talk me out of it, but the moment the seed was planted, there was no telling me otherwise.
He never pushed me to reach out to Jo after I told him the truth. I think he sensed how torn up I was over losing my dad and how things turned out the last time I saw Jo . Perhaps I did jump to conclusions, but I was not in the right headspace to even begin unpacking that. My impending fatherhood was on the horizon, and Jo had made her intentions clear.
I know he’s right. If we can’t move past the history between us, working together is going to be painful for everyone around us and undoubtedly blow up in our faces. We owe it to our parents to not let that happen.
Looking over the rim of my glass, I take a sip of ice-cold IPA and watch the other customers from my hiding spot. The room isn’t big, but the bar itself curves around the room and I’m currently hidden behind the row of liquor bottles and glassware on the back bar. The sound of laughter, glasses clinking, and pool balls ricocheting off one another fills the room. It’s not a fancy establishment, and always smells like a strange combination of stale beer and fresh air .
A small group of people crowd around a couple of high-top tables, but my eyes are only drawn to one person.
Jo is wrapped up in some cream sweater dress that hugs every one of her sweet curves. The temptation to walk over there and run my hands across each dip and bend to test if the material is as soft as it looks is driving me crazy. From the way my knee is bouncing below the bar and how I’ve been half-hard since I spotted her, I’m unsure if going over there is the best thing to do right now.
Seeing her laughing in the middle of the stuffy bar is so different from the last time I saw her in one.
The moment I get her voicemail for what feels like the hundredth time, I hang up. I slowly lower my head to the countertop, the cool granite easing the pressure building between my eyes.
It’s been one month since I felt on top of the world. One moment and one kiss led to what I’d only ever dreamed of happening. Then another moment for that world to come crumbling down until all that remained was a pile of chaos and devastation.
It’s been one month since I last saw my dad. Three weeks since his funeral. And three weeks since she left.
I can’t work out where the pain of one loss starts and where the other one ends. All I know is that it hurts, and I don’t know how to get it to stop.
I have no idea if she’s even seeing these texts, but I type out another one anyway and press Send .
Patrick: Your dad says you still need some time and I want to give that to you. But I miss you. I meant what I said, I want to give this a go between us. I’ll wait for however long you need.
I know she’s safe, George tells me that much, I just can’t wrap my head around why she would leave without a word, and on the evening of my dad’s funeral. It was a hard day for everyone, and we barely got a second to talk after the service. By the time I’d spoken to everyone and helped my mom get home, Jo had already left. With a one-way ticket to Nashville , it turned out.
George reassured me she was okay, said she needed some space, but I’ve heard that so many times in the last few weeks, I worry she actually wants space from me. I respected it at first, but I now reek of desperation and his words do little to stop my mind from overthinking everything that happened since that night.
I want to give her the space, but why can’t she have it while still in this town? Why can’t I help her with whatever is going on? Am I the reason she left?
Before I know it, I’m scrolling through my phone looking at the next available flight to Nashville and entering in my credit card information.
I tell myself that when I set my eyes on her and see that she’s okay, I’ll give her what she needs, but not without letting her know I’m here on the other side waiting.
Fanning my T -shirt away from my sticky chest, I pay the driver and step out of the cab. When I turned up at the apartment Jo and Harriet shared, she wasn’t there. After calling Harriet and asking her where Jo was and arguing for ten minutes, she finally relented and told me. I’m sure she only caved out of pity.
I look up and spot the name of the bar Harriet gave me. The strum of a guitar greets me as I step through the doors, and I look over to where a man is playing an unfamiliar song—likely his own—on the small stage in the middle of the room.
It’s crowded, and the heat is no better in here than it was outside, but I know she’s here. I buzz with excitement and nerves. Excitement at seeing her after weeks of zero contact and nerves at how she’s going to react.
As I scan the room for a familiar head of bright blonde hair, the guy on stage finishes up and thanks the crowd. He steps off the stage and shakes the hands of a few people, and when his eyes drift to the other side of the room, I follow them.
And that’s when I see her. She’s still so beautiful, it makes my chest ache, but she looks thinner and has dark shadows underneath her eyes.
I had no idea what I’d find when I saw her, but embracing another man was not it. When they pull apart, her head is bent low as he whispers in her ear. I can’t see her face, but I’ve already seen too much.
The sound of my heart breaking even further would have been audible if it weren’t so loud in here. I’m certain what was at first a crack, has now fractured right down the middle and split in two.
If this is the space Jo needs, it’s clear I am not welcome in it.
The heat and noise become too much, and when I finally manage to pull my eyes away from the two of them, I spin on my heel and walk right back out of there. As much as I want to walk up to her and demand what the fuck is going on, I don’t have it in me. All the fight and hope I had has evaporated into the humid air.
It took one minute for Johanna to wordlessly tell me that even though I was happy to wait for her, waiting for me wasn’t an option.
I drop Harriet a text and thank her for letting me know where Jo was but that I couldn’t find her. I ask her not to tell Jo I was here and ignore her follow-up text asking what happened and why. And every text that follows.
Hours later, I’m staring at the city lights on my return flight home and bid farewell to my heart, where I’ve left it broken and bruised in Tennessee .
For whatever reason, those memories don’t have the same gut-wrenching impact they’ve previously had. Perhaps it’s the idea that we can move past it all, or the idea that I might finally get the answers I’ve been looking for.
If anything, it confirms that tonight I need to ask her what happened all those years ago, and I’m not leaving without an answer.
Dex was supposed to meet me here, but I’ve been waiting around for almost half an hour with no sign of him. I’m about to try his cell again when someone settles onto the stool next to me.
“ What time do you call this?” I huff out, yet when I turn to face my best friend, I find an unamused Graham instead.
“ Evenin ’,” he mumbles, and waves at Lenny , the owner of the bar.
We were mistaken as twins a lot growing up, with only eleven months between us; we’re easy to tell apart now though. He has the same hair and eye color as me, though his hair is trimmed short, and nothing like the messy waves on top of my head. Plus , he’s permanently scowling behind his signature tortoise shell glasses.
“ What are you doing here?” I glance around for Dex’s towering form.
“ Booth invited me,” he answers with zero explanation.
“ Booth isn’t here.”
“ Yes , I am,” a voice whispers down my ear. The sensation of his creepy breath against my neck almost has me falling backward.
I’m getting dizzy with how many times I’ve spun around on this stool. Booth grins at me, and I know that look means trouble. “ For fuck’s sake, is this some brotherly reunion I didn’t know about?”
“ Of sorts,” Booth replies as he sits on the empty stool to my left, as Lenny takes Graham’s order. “ Hey , Lenny , can I add a gin and tonic to that?”
The surly bar owner grumbles under his breath, mixes up Booth’s drink like he has all the time in the world, and slams the glass on the bar top. No one flinches at the questionable hospitality; it’s just how he is. “ Loada ’ bull that is. Stick to beer and whiskey, boy.”
“ Always a pleasure,” Booth calls as he shuffles away.
Looking left and right, both my brothers have a hint of concern in their eyes, and I sense a conspiracy. My head thumps against the sticky bar as it falls forward.
“ Dex sent you, huh?”
“ We’ve been watching you gawk at Jo for the last thirty minutes. I wish we intervened sooner. What’s your plan here, Pat ?” Booth says, though there’s no teasing in his voice now. When Booth uses a serious tone, you know he means business.
Peeling my forehead off the bar with a groan, I raise my head and keep my eyes trained forward. “ I’ve been trying to work that out since the moment I got here. This is dumb.” I go to stand up, but a strong hand grips me by the elbow and yanks me back.
“ Dex texted me. Said you might need some support tonight. He didn’t say much, but from the way you’ve been staring across the room, I think I know what help you need. Just go and talk to her.” Graham’s gaze doesn’t break with mine. His perception is spot on. Despite me thinking I kept my feelings under wraps—even before Jo left—it’s clear I wasn’t as sly at hiding them as I thought I was. Apparently even now I look at her like a lovesick puppy.
“ I’ve been such a monumental dick to her. I don’t even know if she’ll want to speak to me.”
“ Why don’t we stop creeping on our coworkers in the shadows and join them for some darts? If you talk to her, you talk to her. If you don’t, you don’t. The call is yours, buttercup.” Graham and I jump as Booth slaps his palms on the bar, droplets of warm beer hitting me in the face with the impact. “ Let’s get groveling.”
As he walks toward the table, greeting everyone with a smile or handshake, I suck down my obvious discomfort and stand to follow him. Graham is close behind, who’s more of an introvert than me, and the minute he sees his escape, he’ll be out of here.
Booth must have warmed them up to our arrival, because they’re all smiles and friendly greetings when we join them. Even Jo cracks a small smile at our approach, though it’s one of those fake ones I’ve seen her use over the weeks.
Everyone makes room and drags some extra stools around tables. It’s a tight squeeze, and by the time Booth and Graham have settled, the only spot left is next to Jo .
“ What brings you in, boss man?” Simon asks as I perch on the stool. He’s on Jo’s other side, and when I see how close they’re sitting, I’m reminded that I don’t like him.
“ Just a beer with colleagues, you know,” I say, raising my glass at him.
“ I’m guessing Carrie and Lottie are having a girls’ night?” Simon asks.
“ They sure are. She’s probably on her fifth rewatch of Encanto by now.” I love my daughter, but when does a movie you’ve watched over forty times get boring?
Jo shifts slightly in her seat, and when I glance to her lap, I notice her fingers tapping on the outside of her thigh. I’ve seen her do it a lot lately and it’s not something I ever witnessed before she left.
A nervous tick?
“ I didn’t know you and Jo went so far back,” Simon continues. Because he never seems to shut up. “ She only told me George is her dad the other day.” He pokes her in the ribs from her other side, and nope, don’t like that.
She looks at the group sheepishly. “ I didn’t want anyone to think of me as a nepo baby.”
“ You’re clearly a pro in the restaurant field and the team loves you,” Jules adds and gives Jo a genuine smile. She’s not wrong; Jo’s been a huge asset to the team and already I’ve felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I should probably tell her that. And now I feel like an even bigger dick. I’ve been so busy obsessing over how to avoid her while simultaneously creeping on her, that I’ve failed to acknowledge what amazing work she’s been doing.
“ I think it’s so cool George’s and Ted’s kids are working at Our Place again . I bet it’s a massive relief for your mom”— Jules nods to me—“ And your dad”—now to Jo . “ Ted and Valerie would be so proud.”
“ Thanks , Jules . We miss them both so mu?—”
“ Excuse me.”
Everyone’s eyes dart to Jo as she rushes to get off her stool—almost toppling backward into a young couple in her haste to escape. Her eyes are as wide as saucers and skin practically translucent she’s so pale.
Without any explanation, she runs out of the bar, leaving behind her coat and bag. I don’t even realize I’m standing to follow her until I see Simon rise from his seat, but Booth quickly grabs his attention and gives me a nod.
Then I’m rushing out into the cold night in search of her.