Chapter 20
twenty
PATRICK
I loathe the words the second they leave my mouth, and from the crushed look on Jo’s face, so does she.
Half of me wants to snatch the words still hanging heavy in the air between us, shove them back down my throat, and kiss her senseless again. The other half, the half I wish wasn’t making the most sense, tells me this isn’t a good idea.
That I never stopped…
So close to finishing that sentence and contradicting what I confessed outside the bar the other night.
There’s no point in trying to come up with some half-assed excuse, like I don’t know what came over me. Of course I do. She came over me. Pulling me and tempting me with everything she is. I’m hardwired to need her.
I should know better. The bruises on my heart should be warning enough.
All the progress we’ve made eviscerated. It’s written all over her face. I saw glimpses of my old friend today, and it felt monumental that she trusted me enough to share something that clearly made her feel uncomfortable and exposed .
This is why you should never let your heart take the lead. It goes in blindly and has you making stupid decisions.
Like kissing the woman you’ve tried to forget.
I take a step toward her. “ Jo .”
That snaps her out of whatever daze she was in. Her eyes lock with mine, but as I take another tentative step forward, she skirts around me and darts out of the room.
I’m hot on her heels, calling her name, and when I catch up with her a few feet from the front door, I step in her path, blocking her exit. She seems so intent on escaping me that she’s about to run out of my house with no shoes on.
“ Johanna , stop. Please .”
“ We have stopped. And now I’m going to go,” she says flatly, crossing her arms over her chest. The hurt in her eyes is gone and I only see determination. I’ll take that over sadness any day, but it still doesn’t make me feel better.
“ How are you going to get home?”
“ I’ll call a cab. It’s really not your concern. Nothing is your concern actually, and I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess. Forget this happened.”
I know I’m sending mixed messages when I take her hand in mine, but I can’t bear for us to part ways like this. “ Nothing about you is a mess, and I meant what I said earlier— I want to be there for you. What happened just then can’t happen again, though. There’s so much at stake with the restaurant.”
“ The restaurant?” she asks with a tilt of her head, challenge burning in her eyes.
I’m an open book to her, and she sees right through that pathetic excuse. It’s not just the restaurant; it’s also my daughter and my heart at stake.
When I don’t answer, she yanks her hands away and throws them up in exasperation. “ Patrick , can I please remind you that you’re the one who kissed me.”
“ I know, and I’m sorry. I can’t let whatever is happening between us distract me. I have so much on my plate. But I also can’t do it again.”
“ Do what again?” she asks.
“ To know what it’s like to have you and then find out it’s too good to be true. I care about you so much, but losing you again isn’t something I think I can survive. I’ve got to keep my priorities in order, and right now, they’re Lottie and the restaurant.”
Her eyelids flutter closed, and I watch as she takes a steadying breath. I know the honesty in my words hurts her. They hurt me.
When they open, I’m met with a blank stare as she nods slowly and swallows. “ Thank you for last night and for breakfast.”
“ I don’t want to leave it like this. Stay , we can talk this out, or at least let me drive you home,” I plead, but she holds up a hand.
“ I think you’ve said enough for today. We both have, and I’d really like to go home.”
The finality in her words tells me it’s pointless fighting her on this, she’s made up her mind.
Ten minutes later, she’s climbing into a cab, and as I watch the car pull away, I worry we’ve gone right back to the beginning again.
I’ve been idling in my mom’s driveway for about twenty minutes, playing this afternoon over and over in my head. Another example where I haven’t thought my actions or words through, and acted on impulse. It seems every time we interact, I come away regretting something.
But not that kiss.
Because that kiss was everything and more.
The memories of our last kiss didn’t do this reunion any justice.
I can still taste her on my tongue. The subtle sweetness from her coffee and a taste I know only as Jo . The delicious moans she made when I backed her up against the desk, the way she clung to me and met my lips with as much zeal.
While my heart might be skipping in my chest, my brain is screaming at me to slow down, always in conflict with one another. I wish I knew which one I want to come out on top.
Deciding I’ve spent enough time stewing over what I said and did, I turn off the engine. The moment I shut the door behind me, a small body collides with me.
“ Daddy !” a muffled voice shouts into my thigh. The chaos in my head vanishes the second I lift Lottie into my arms and squeeze her tight. “ Ugh , you’re squishing me.”
“ Sorry , spud, but you’re just so squishy.” I give her one last squeeze before pulling back to look at her. She grins up at me, her cheeky smile doing wonders for my mood. It also reminds me why drawing a line between Jo and me is the right thing to do. As much as Jo says she’s here to stay, I can’t let Lottie become attached to her. I have firsthand experience with how badly that can turn out.
“ How are you today? Grandma said you’re feeling much better.” We walk up the path to the house, and I spot my mom, who’s watching us from the doorway.
“ Uh -huh. The bugs is gone from my belly now. Were they like spiders?”
Laughing , I shake my head. “ Not real bugs like you see in the forest, tiny ones that make us a bit sick sometimes. But you fought them off.” I poke her in the belly. “ My big, strong girl.”
“ Oh , man. I like bugs. Is JoJo feeling better? Grandma said she was sick too.”
I glance at my mom as we walk up the final step. “ Umm , yeah, she wasn’t feeling too good either. ”
“ Hey , sweetheart.” My mom greets me and looks over at Lottie . “ Hey , why don’t you go and finish that picture you started drawing for Johanna ?”
“ Okayyyyy ,” she says excitedly, before wiggling out of my hold to run into the kitchen.
“ Mom , you shouldn’t have said anything.” I follow to where she is walking into the living room.
“ Pfft , all I said was Jo was a little under the weather too. I’m not lying to my grandbaby. Now sit your ass down and tell me what kept you out all night. Is she okay?” She might be bossing me around, but I catch the concern in my mom’s voice. My mom has cared for Jo like another daughter since, well, forever.
I tidy up a few of Lottie’s toys, hoping to stall the interrogation coming my way. My mom sees right through it and throws a cushion at my head. “ Ass . Sofa . Now ,” she instructs. Even at thirty-four years old, her Mom voice still does the trick and I do as she says without argument.
Dropping myself on the sofa, I get a sense of déjà vu. Not even twenty-four hours ago we sat in these exact spots before I ran out of the house, knowing something was wrong.
“ Is she okay?” she asks again.
“ Yes , she’s okay now.” Well , she was before I kissed her and fucked it all up. “ I found her at the restaurant, and she wasn’t in a good place.”
“ Oh , Patrick . I should have come with you, I wasn’t thinking. Are you okay?”
“ I’m good. Truly ,” I assure my mom. Seeing Jo like that, in the restaurant alone, brought up a lot of old trauma, but I don’t need my mom worrying about that.
“ I don’t know what you know…”
“ Hm . I know a little from her dad. I’ve pieced a few things together over the years too. I get the impression it’s been happening for a long time. Well before she left. ”
My head drops, and guilt stirs in my chest. Guilty that my mom somehow understood what was going on with Jo , but me, her best friend, I was clueless. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I could tell Jo didn’t want to divulge any more details about her anxiety than she already had, but I was able to make my assumptions.
“ Don’t think like that, Patrick . I’m not one hundred percent certain what had her moving away, or what went on between you two. That’s for her to share. The one thing her dad said to me was that Johanna did a good job of pretending she was okay for a long time.”
Is Jo’s anxiety the reason she left? No . I would have noticed the signs, I know her. She was happy, always at work or out with family and friends. Even in the years we were away at college, she was out at parties or telling me about the next dickhead she decided to date. She had her ups and downs, but there were more ups, right?
Nothing about her behavior would lead me to believe she had an anxiety disorder back then. My rapid thinking must be written on my face, because my mom shuffles forward, catching my eye before she speaks.
“ I’m not sure you could have helped, for all that it’s worth. She’s home now, but I think this time away was for the best. Maybe for the both of you. You had so much to deal with as well.”
“ I want to believe that.”
“ Sometimes , the heart wants what we’re not ready for. We have to heal first before going after what we want.”
My mom pats my shoulder and gives me a sympathetic look, before standing and leaving the room. Once again, I’m left with my thoughts.
The idea of being with Jo again scares the shit out of me, my injured heart has never let me forget that, but it’s also never stopped the feelings that should have died when she left this town. They’ve never gone away, and it’s what drove me to kiss her this afternoon.
There was no denying she wanted that kiss as much as I did, but does she still feel the same way? How many more chances do we get before the universe says enough? Looking back now, we’ve missed out on plenty. The classic, right person, wrong time scenario.
I stare down at the bouquet of flowers at my feet and cringe. I’ve debated throwing them into the trash can across the quad for the last twenty minutes, but then I remember her telling me that her idiot of a boyfriend didn’t buy her flowers once during their two-year relationship.
Good . Fucking . Riddance .
I hope she likes them.
I hope she likes dinner. Actually , I know she will because I found a restaurant in the city that cooks everything with cheese. Literally every item on the menu has cheese in it.
I hope she likes that I’ve turned up unannounced outside her last class of the day.
The biggest hope I have is that she realizes this is the first time we’re both single and maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way I do.
My flight was already booked when she texted me to say that she and Aaron had broken up. It made this impromptu trip to Florida that much more important.
The moment I spot a long blonde ponytail swinging in the crowd of students, I shoot to my feet and scoop up the sad-looking white tulips that now slip between my sweaty fingers.
“ Hey , YoYo ,” I shout, and all heads turn my way. It’s only one person I want to see, and when she turns toward the sound of my voice, my heart somersaults. How is she prettier now then when I last saw her during Spring Break ?
She squeals and runs toward me. “ What are you doing here?”
Before I can answer, she’s catapulting herself into my waiting arms. The second I have a hold of her, I don’t want to let go. My face is pressed against her neck as I hold her tight, drinking in her scent.
“ You only turn twenty-one once. Happy birthday, Jo ,” I whisper. How easy it would be to lay a soft kiss right here. Or on her cheek. Her mouth. I pull my head back and take her in. Her freckles, bright smile, everything. I can’t take it in fast enough or get enough of her, needing to catalog every small detail, as if I don’t have her face memorized already.
“ I can’t believe you’re here! And for my birthday. Oh my god, I think I might cry.” She punches me in the arm. “ How dare you make me cry on my birthday, Patrick Sadler .”
“ Ouch . You can’t get your present if you beat me up.”
“ Oh , gimme gimme,” she says, holding out two grabby hands toward me.
“ Ah -ah. After dinner. I booked this great place and I would love to take you out. Whaddya say?” I don’t have it with me anyway, it’s back at my hotel. My parents helped cover the cost of the trip, but the tickets to see Green Day in the fall were all me.
“ Oh . Patr —” I hate the way her voice deflates with disappointment, but her words are cut short when two arms loop around her from behind, pulling her back abruptly. Right into the chest of a guy I don’t know. I’m about to ask what the fuck he thinks he’s doing, but when he opens his mouth, my heart drops.
“ Babe , you need to get ready. The party starts soon,” he says before slapping her on the ass and making her jump. The laugh she lets out is fake. “ Oh , hey, man, didn’t see you standing there. I’m Aaron .”
Clearing my throat, I hold out my hand to him, hoping Jo doesn’t see the devastation seeping out of me. “ Hey . I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Patrick .”
“ Ohhh , Joey’s little school friend, right?”
Joey . She hates that name, so why doesn’t she correct him? She just stands there awkwardly in his hold, her dejected stare never leaving mine.
“ Yeah , that’s the one. Umm , you guys headed to a party? Is it for you?”
“ Oh nah, this is my buddy’s. He got this sick apartment off campus and we’re going to check it out, right, babe?”
“ Yeah . You should come, Patrick ?” Jo asks with pleading eyes.
This fucking douche isn’t even taking her out on her birthday. He’s dragging her to someone else’s party. And by the looks of it, Aaron is no longer an ex.
“ No , I don’t wanna ruin your plans. This was just a flying visit, I’m headed home tonight.” Jo knows I’m lying, but I can’t stand here for a moment longer. Thrusting the flowers toward her, she takes them slowly. “ These are for you. I think they’re dying, though. I hope you have a great birthday. Good to meet you, Aaron .”
I take a step back and go to turn away when she pulls herself from Aaron’s grasp and grabs hold of my hand.
She steps into me, lowering her voice, but Aaron is already too busy chatting to some guy behind him. “ Pat , is your flight really tonight?”
“ Yeah , Jo , I wish I could stay. Really . I’ll text you when I land, and I’ll see you at Thanksgiving .” Leaning down, I place that small kiss after all, laying it softly on her cheek. “ You deserve better than him,” I whisper, but give her the best smile I can muster up, even though it’s cracking at the edges. Cracks are breaking out everywhere. Even where she can’t see.
Her eyes widen at my words, and her mouth opens and closes as she fumbles to find her voice.
I take that as my cue. Turning on my heel, I hightail it out of the quad. I don’t dare look back.
Because if I do, I’ll see all the hope I had splattered on the floor where it spilled from my chest.
Groaning , I scrub a hand down my face, wincing at the memory. We were young, seniors in college, and that was the summer I decided to seize the day. I’d finally let Jo know how I felt—how I’d felt for a while .
It didn’t work out, clearly, and from there, we found ourselves cemented in a “friends only” status that only became more concrete the older we became.
Until that night.
Those years of friendship are ones I cherish, I just wish we’d acted sooner on our feelings.
But the thing is, she’s here.
Back in Sutton Bay .
I convinced myself almost six years ago that we had clocked in all our chances. Convinced she was happy in Tennessee , the memories of our time together a thing of the past. But no, she’s here, and friends don’t kiss each other like that. We’ve proven that before.
I know we’re scared. Fuck , I’m petrified, but maybe it’s more about her not feeling the same way, and less about our past. We can’t change what happened, but we can decide our future. I have questions, she has answers. From what I’ve pieced together, I can’t rush Jo for those answers, with the fear of pushing her away.
If I let this chance pass us by, I fear it’s the last one we’ll ever get. It would be the biggest regret of my life if I don’t at least speak to her and see what she wants. My mom says that we have to heal first, and I don’t know if it was Jo or me that needed to do the healing. Perhaps both.
If we’re done healing, what do our hearts want?
Mine wants her. It never stopped yearning after Johanna Thomas .
Now all I have to do is convince her to give this another chance.
To give us another chance.