Chapter 40
forty
JOHANNA
It’s taken me longer than usual to get to the lookout point.
I’ve spent my time on the hike up taking in the view and collecting my thoughts. The effects of my anxiety had disappeared by the time I snuck out of the back of Just Brew It , swearing Quinn to secrecy about where I was going. I wasn’t stupid enough to not tell anyone I was headed to the park, not wanting to risk spraining my ankle and no one knowing where to find me.
About halfway up, I notice a manmade path branching off the main trail. My watch tells me I have half an hour until the sun sets, so I go to investigate. Rays of sunshine stream through the thick canopy of pine trees, and like little spotlights, they light up a small clearing of wildflowers. Bluets , Marigolds , and Wild Strawberry . Picking a few of the larger stems, I make up a small bouquet before finding my way back to the trail and continuing my trek.
Once I reach that familiar ridge on the horizon, I’m met with the most stunning sky. The once-white clouds are now backlit with all different shades of pinks, purples, and oranges, each melting into the other. The horizon glows brightly, shifting ever so slightly as the sun begins its descent. The smaller islands and pine trees sitting out on the bay are black silhouettes, with the sky stealing the show behind them.
I feel at peace up here, like the calm waters in front of me. There’s no breeze in the air as I tip my head back and bask in the sun’s last few moments.
With the small bouquet of flowers, I slowly walk up to the strikingly large and thick pine tree, a few feet from the cliff edge. It must be at least two hundred feet tall now, overshadowing all the other pines, spruce, and oak surrounding it. I run my fingers over the rough bark before placing the flowers at its base.
I’ve only been out here once since I’ve returned—when I took Quinn hiking—but I didn’t want an audience for what I’m about to do. Craning my neck to stare up the length of the tree, I find my voice.
“ Hi , Mom ,” I whisper, voice cracking. “ I’m sorry we haven’t spoken in a while.”
I’ve never put much thought into what happens once we die, but I do like to think we leave a presence behind. Something that allows our memories to live on. This spot is exactly where I always feel closest to my mom. It’s my favorite place on the bay, because it was hers, and it was where we came to scatter her ashes before the first snowfall that year.
“ I’ve missed you. But I know you’re watching over us all. I hope Ted is with you too. We all miss you both so much, but I’m glad you have each other. I know Dad misses you too. He says he comes up here a lot to see you.” I crouch down and run my fingertips across the soft petals of the flowers, ignoring the tears that splash on the dirt beneath my feet. “ I hope you haven’t been too disappointed or worried about me. I had— I had a tough few years, but I’m okay now. I’m more than okay.
“ I finally came home and I’m so glad I did. I miss Harriet , but I missed Dad too. I missed the memories we made here together as a family. I missed seeing reminders of you in the restaurant, at the beach, and in the flowers that bloom every spring. I didn’t want to miss you more than I had to. The memories of you weren’t what kept me away, I realize that now. And although it hurts, I’ve learned to treasure all the time we had together.
“ I met someone. Well , you know who Patrick is.” I chuckle, just as a light breeze cuts through the trees. “ I have never been so sure of something in my life, but I had to make sure my heart and mind were ready to give him the love he deserved. You always told me that to love, we had to love ourselves first. I hope you’re glad we found our way back to each other. Patrick makes me feel complete, treasured, and so happy. Some days are hard, but I’m loved by so many people, and I still feel your love.”
I wipe at my cheeks with the sleeves of my sweater. Kissing the tips of my fingers and pressing them into the wood, I slowly stand. “ Thank you for creating so many memories for us, Mom . I promise I’ll visit again soon. I love you.”
Peace washes over me.
I needed to do this before heading back into town and finding Patrick . I turned my cell off after his first few calls, but not because I’m avoiding him; I just know I would have begged him to come up here with me. This is something I had to do alone. With one final look at the sunset, I turn to make my way down the trail.
Only my feet stop working when my eyes meet another pair so green, they rival the trees surrounding us.
Patrick .
His are bright with tears, and I have no idea how long he’s been standing there.
But he’s here.
One of his hands is tucked into the front pocket of his jeans, while the other is behind his back. The sunset paints him in orange, making him look ethereal, as if he fell from the sky itself. So many emotions are etched into his handsome face, but relief and tenderness shine the brightest.
“ Are you following me?” I ask. Despite the humor in my voice, tears collect in the corners of my eyes.
“ I think I’ve been following you my entire life, why stop now?” A gentle smile pulls at the corners of his mouth as he takes a few steps toward me. “ Do you mind?” He nods toward the large pine tree. Before I can ask him what he’s doing, he’s leaning forward, placing a kiss at the corner of my mouth, and walking toward the tree. It’s only then I see what’s behind his back.
As Patrick crouches down in the same spot I was at moments before, he gently rearranges the small bouquet I collected as he adds delicate, star-shaped flowers.
Mayflower .
My heart flutters, and I suspect it’s going to be doing that a lot now.
“ My mom’s?—”
“ Favorite flower, I know. And your namesake,” he adds.
“ Are you going to finish all of my sentences for me?”
“ If you let me do it for the rest of our lives, then yes, I am.” His smile grows wider, but I’m in too much shock to respond. He turns toward the tree and like me, he places a kiss in the palm of his hand and lays it against the bark but doesn’t remove his hand when he speaks.
“ Hey , Valerie . I hope you remember me.” There goes my heart again. “ This will be short, because there’s something important I need to tell your daughter. But I just wanted to stop by and thank you for bringing Johanna into my life, and for being the best friend my parents could have asked for. I suspect you know this already, but Johanna is one of the strongest people I know. You and George should be so proud of the woman she’s grown into.” His voice drops a level; I almost don’t make out his words, but when I do, there’s no controlling the flow of tears. “ If you see my dad, thank him for me and tell him this. I’m finally chasing after what I want, and I won’t waste a second of it once I have it.”
He slowly stands and walks back to where I’m standing stock-still. An air of calmness radiates off him, so different from the man I saw earlier today. My chest aches and vibrates with every step he takes.
“ I know you wanted your space,” he says, standing in front of me now. “ And I promise I’ll always give that to you, but I needed to say two things. First , I’m sorry for how I reacted at the restaurant. I didn’t mean a word of what I said and I’m an idiot.”
“ I didn’t need space from you, Patrick . I just needed space in general. I had to take my meds, and then the idea of coming out here suddenly felt like the right thing to do. Like the final step in my journey to coming home. It’s always been so special to me, and I’m sorry if I had you worrying or thinking I’d left you again.”
“ I didn’t think you’d left. And even if you did, I would have followed you and waited until you were ready. You’re worth the wait. I know what this place means to you, I’ll bring you here whenever you want.”
He holds out his hand to me and I look at it in confusion. “ Friends ?” he asks and nudges his outstretched hand, palm facing down, against my arm. “ I promise I won’t spit in it this time.”
Laughing , I decide to go along with it. My head is spinning too much to try to make sense of it.
I reach out and slip my hand under his, when something hard digs into my palm. My head tilts in question, and when I see what he’s handed me, something between a gasp, cry, and laugh echoes around us.
The colors of the sky. The white tip of the mountain. Even down to the curvature of the edges, is exactly how I imagined it would look.
“ The missing piece,” I whisper. “ How did I not know you had it this whole time?”
I look up at him and expect to see his face lit with a smug smile, but he stares at the puzzle piece with such fondness.
“ I’m not even sorry for taking it. It’s a good thing I did, too, because it told me where I could find you.” He points out at the bay and to the sunset behind us, the sun minutes from sinking behind the horizon.
“ You found me.”
“ I found you.”
“ What was the second thing you wanted to say?” He closes the distance between us and cups the side of my face with his hand, the other looping around my back and pulling me close until there isn’t a sliver of space between us. It’s amazing how his touch stokes a fire within me and keeps me steady simultaneously.
“ I thought it would be obvious by now.” He shakes his head, and his smile grows even bigger as he looks at me. “ I love you.”
And off my heart goes, taking flight in my chest with such a force, I might float up into the orange-tinted clouds if he didn’t have such a tight grip on me.
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, because he lowers his head and brushes his lips teasingly, not quite a kiss, against mine.
“ When I felt lost or sad, that missing piece kept me grounded. It reminded me of all the amazing times we had together, and I suppose of all the times I spent too scared or nervous to chase after you. I never stopped loving you, not when you left, not ever. You make me so happy, love. The type of happiness I can’t put into words. The kind that hurts when I think about it too much, but it’s a good type of hurt. I won’t regret our time apart, not if it brought us to this very moment. You have and will always be the holder of all my joy and my heart.
“ I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. To see that beautiful smile on your face every day when I wake up, and every night when I go to sleep.” He cradles my face in both hands and whispers his next words against my lips, exhaling the love he has for me deep into my bones. “ Can we spend the rest of our lives making each other happy?”
Does he not know he’s been doing that my entire life?
On my darkest of days, Patrick was there. In my memories, in the note I kept, and in my heart. Even when I thought our time together was short lived, knowing we shared years of memories together was such a comfort.
“ I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. That love is what led me home. You led me home. Loving you was never a question. I had to love myself first. I’m sorry it took me so long, but my heart is yours, if you’ll give me yours in return?”
He slowly shakes his head, the green of his eyes glowing brighter from the burning sky.
“ Johanna , my love. You can’t have my heart, because you already own it. I don’t want it back, but please don’t make me watch you walk away with it again.” His fingers caress the back of my head as his thumbs wipe away my tears.
I bring my hand up to his chest and place it over his heart, the beat of it matching the tempo of my own. “ Never , Patrick . Never again.”
We decide we’ve done enough talking, as we close that small distance between our lips, allowing ourselves to become even more consumed with the other. If that’s even possible. And with this kiss, and our words, everything clicks into place.
Like the last piece of a puzzle.
He tugs me closer and lets me know how much he loves me with this kiss. It’s slow and sweet, needy and desperate. Our lips glide over each other before we’re nipping and sucking.
There are only two words left to say.
“ I’m yours,” I say between kisses.
“ And I’m yours. Forever ,” he declares.
We lose ourselves in the kiss but never loosen our hold. Only when the sun is about to wink out of the sky do we stop, not wanting to miss the sunset. Patrick wraps me in his arms, and I lean into his strong chest, as we watch the fiery watercolors disappear behind the ocean.
By the time we get back to town, twilight has faded, and the stars twinkle and flicker high in the sky.
We tumble into my apartment, half of our clothes already gone from our journey up the stairs. We come together in a frenzy of limbs right there on my living room floor.
Hours later, Patrick wakes me up in the middle of the night and makes love to me slowly. With his body curled against mine, he whispers sweet promises of our future together, the children we’re going to have, and how he wants to watch me walk down the aisle with a bouquet of wildflowers.
I whisper my promises to care for him until the end of my days, how I’ll love Lottie like she is my own, and how I hope to make him even half as happy as he makes me.
I fall back to sleep in his arms.
Feeling so happy. So loved. And finally his.
For all the unspoken words, it took only two to put us back together.