Chapter 39 #3
“Then the comments started coming,” he continues.
“ You see me . Thank you . I needed to hear that today . And for the first time in my life, I was doing something that mattered. Something good . There were women who told me they were leaving their husbands after years of abuse and neglect because I convinced them they deserved love. There were women who told me they were taking the leap and going back to school. Starting a new job. Setting boundaries with bosses and kids and parents. There were dudes who told me I’d inspired them to come out to their families and live their truth.
And it kept growing. And growing. And then the money came, and then the paranoia came, and everything kept growing.
I kept working construction so nobody would ask why I didn’t have a job and Emma wouldn’t worry about how I was supporting myself until I asked her to do my taxes and had to tell her.
I quit knowing who to trust and how to act and if the women who hit on me in bars saw the real me and liked it, or if they somehow secretly knew about my GrippaPeen channel.
If they recognized my tattoos or my voice.
I was so fucking glad I didn’t put my face on the screen and still paranoid that?—”
“That they’d only like you for your money,” my mom interjects.
Theo and I both jolt.
He eyes her.
I gape at her.
She’s blinking quickly, like she’s trying not to cry too.
“That,” he says quietly. “Exactly that.”
She nods.
Then she nods again.
Like she knows she is exactly who he didn’t want to know.
He didn’t want her approval because she suddenly found out he had a big bank account.
“I—I apologize if it seems that I’m one of those people,” she says quietly. “I’ll try to only think of you as a porn star.”
I choke on a noise that might be a laugh, or it might be a sob.
I’m not entirely sure which.
“I’m not a porn star,” he replies. “I’m a naked motivational knitter.”
“Of course. I’ll make sure to tell Charles.”
“Are you two serious right now?” I ask them.
They both ignore me.
“I thought you’d take this worse,” Theo says to her. “ You don’t need my money.”
She glances at me but still leaves my question hanging.
“It’s quite the wake-up call to rewatch a video of your daughter yelling at you to shut up over your reactions to her, ah, favorite naked motivational knitter, and then to realize everything you’ve done to protect her has backfired the same way everything your own parents did to try to prepare you for the world made you resent them too. ”
Mom’s face is going a mottled red.
Theo studies her for a minute, then nods. “I could probably get you a sound clip of some of my advice on the subject of parents respecting their kids’ choices.”
“That won’t be necessary. But thank you.”
“Offer stands.”
“What’s happening?” I point between them. “What’s happening here?”
“I’m realizing I’m late to get dinner in the oven at home,” Mom replies. “Laney, sweetheart, if you need anything , you know your father or I can be here in five minutes. Day or night. Anything. Theo, it was…lovely to see you again.”
“Is this reverse psychology?” I ask her.
She shakes her head as she reaches the foyer. “Love you, sweetheart.”
And then she’s pulling the door open before she’s even put on her coat and boots.
And it’s just me and Theo.
Me, Theo, and three kittens who are peeking back in at us from the kitchen.
“Why are you here?” I ask him.
He holds my gaze for an eternity. An eternity when I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him and I don’t know if I can love him as big as he deserves to be loved, and an eternity when I want him to pull me into his arms and tell me that he wants me, only me, and that he’ll do anything to get me back.
Which is ridiculous.
I’m Plainy-Laney .
What in the world can I offer to him that he can’t find anywhere else?
He’s here because he heard I got hurt having an adventure and he feels bad.
“Never mind.” I twist in my seat, wishing I could get up.
“Because you’re my purpose,” he says quietly. “And even if you don’t want me anymore, you deserve to know how special you are and how sorry I am that I was an ass.”
My pulse goes on a breakaway. “If this is just a bunch of guilt?—”
“My whole heart shattered into pieces when I heard you were hurt. Not because I wanted to be there keeping you safe. Because I missed out on being there to watch you fly. To watch you soar. To watch you do what I kept telling myself you wouldn’t do so that I could lie to myself and say it was a kindness to you to be a dick on Saturday night instead of fighting for you like I should’ve.
I don’t want you to move on without me. I want you to move on with me.
I lived in guilt for a lot of years before I found a way to accept myself for who I am, and it made me do a lot of shitty things.
I don’t want to go back to living in guilt for pushing you away when you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted. ”
“But why ? Why me ?”
He leans over and scoops up two kittens that he keeps for himself.
“Because you know all of the darkest, ugliest, worst parts of me. You have a million reasons to hate me. To never want to see me again. But you spent last week believing in me as one of the good guys. You. Laney Kingston. Accepting me. Embracing me. Living with me. There’s nobody else in the world, Laney.
No one else who could understand expectations and boxes and having to fight for the life you want to live.
No one else who can challenge me the same.
No one else who can make me feel like I’m on a bigger adventure than I am when I’m with you.
I don’t want easy. I don’t want superficial.
I meant it when I told you I don’t want some half-ass love. I want it all. And I want it with you.”
My heart is swelling outside of my chest. Tears drip down my nose. “For someone who’s spent our whole lives calling me Plainy-Laney , you sure do know how to make a girl feel special.”
He smiles softly and brushes a lock of hair out of my face. “Won’t get that from some boring-ass banker.”
“I don’t care what you do for work,” I whisper. “You’re doing good in the world.”
He shakes his head. “Time to move on.”
“Theo—”
“Posted my last video already today.”
“You’re quitting because of me.”
“Not quitting. Reconsidering my course. Penises are a dime a dozen. Got a pretty damn fine woody here, but they didn’t come back for my dick. They came back for what I had to say. And as someone very wise reminded me last week…I like to eat.”
My jaw won’t quite close. “ Penises are a dime a dozen ?”
He grins.
And then grins bigger.
And then the butthead giggles.
And it’s so cute that I drop my head to his shoulder and start laughing too.
“I was so mad at you ten minutes ago,” I wheeze into his shoulder.
He wraps an arm around me and kisses my temple, heat radiating out of his body. He needs to lose the jacket. He’s always too hot.
“I love making you laugh,” he says. “Favorite sound in the world.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It is. I’ve waited forever for this. I don’t take it for granted.”
Three more kittens poke their heads out of the kitchen.
Theo kisses my hair again.
My laughter subsides into a deep, contented sigh. “Sabrina told you about my leg, didn’t she?”
“Yep.”
“Was she a pain about it?”
“Yep.”
“Good.”
“She could’ve been a bigger pain. I deserved it.”
“You are so lucky I’m in a cast right now, or I’d be putting you in a headlock until you said three nice things about yourself.”
“Oh, look, the last kitten. Hey, did you see I brought you chocolate chip cookies?”
This man.
He’s a little bit of a mess. But so am I. And our fun together is just starting.
I lean back a bit so I can look up at him. “I’m going to demand proper dates.”
“Like the one with bacon?”
“Yes.”
He smiles at me, and then he’s kissing me.
Soft and slow and gentle, like he’s afraid all of me is as damaged as my leg is.
“I missed you,” I say against his lips.
“I’m still terrified this is a dream and you’ll never forgive me.”
“This isn’t a dream.”
“Are you sure?”
I kiss him again. “Nope. You’re right. Feels like a dream.”
He smiles at me. “A dream come true.”
“I’m your dream?”
“You’ve always been my dream, Laney. Always.”
“That must’ve been pretty awful.”
“Worth it.”
I smile back at him. The words slipped out so easily, but I fully believe him.
For all the years he annoyed me, I know exactly how he feels.
He starts chuckling again. “You’re thinking it was way worse for you, aren’t you?”
I shake my head. “Stay with me tonight?”
“Any night.”
“I don’t think I can make you pancakes for a few days.”
“I don’t want to stay for your pancakes.”
“Not even these pancakes?” I move his hand to my breast.
He squeezes.
My clit tingles.
And I officially regret my skiing decision yesterday.
Except for the part that breaking my leg is what brought Theo back here.
“How about I be in charge of everything related to you and your pancakes for the next few weeks?” he murmurs.
“That doesn’t seem fair to you.”
“Consider it an extended apology that I’ll enjoy very, very much.”
“You know I forgive you, right? You don’t have to keep making this up to me.”
He lifts his gaze again and studies me.
And I don’t think it’s because I’m leaping to the wrong conclusions.
I think it’s because he’s surprised I leapt to exactly the right one.
“You know what’s scariest right now?” he asks quietly.
“That you’re scared at all?”
He shakes his head. “Just how easy it is to love you.”
Just when I thought I was done with the tears for the day. “I think that means we’re doing something right.”
“ Right and I have never been super tight.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you. We’ll get you through.”
He smiles at me again.
I kiss him again.
I can’t seem to stop myself. And I don’t want to. “I love you too,” I whisper between kisses. “But I think I have the harder job of the two of us.”
He outright laughs this time.
And then he shows me that it doesn’t matter that my leg’s in a cast.
He meant it when he said he’d take care of all of my pancakes.